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Sometimes I Feel Broken

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I have been ignoring my problems for years and now they are catching up to me.

My anxieties have brought me eczema and hair loss. Depression is slowly eating away my physical health.

I used to be a talented athlete. Always complimented on my appearance.

I feel like i am disappointing, and I am desperate to save what is left.

I am a mediator which means i take care of my family and friends, always fixing other peoples problems.

My family is complicated and I don't want to add my issues to their problems.

Sometimes I feel like when I fix others, i mend my self, but then I look in the mirror and see how broken I am.

I couldn't believe that something strong could shatter so much.

I finally decided to fix my self. I have bought a lot of literature on depression and anxiety, joined this forum, and practice meditation.

I promise each day that I will set an appointment with a professional, but find my self to busy to place that call.

They could ask questions that could add cracks to my armor.

I spent my entire life building my shell of strength. I knew I was different from early childhood, and if my shell is gone, others will find out who I really am.

I don't know what to do. How to fix my self?

-ink

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Hi Ink,

I can relate. I always placed others before myself, and suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. From birth really, it is inherited from my father's side. I did not accept that I had an MI and needed help until I was 50 years old and my 25 year marriage had ended.

Please don't wait as long as I did to go for help. You are never to busy to do something to help yourself. You are a unique and wonderful person Ink. There is not another person in this universe like you. There never has been and there never will be again. You are a fantastic special person and you deserve to have a happy life. Please make that call and start on your path to wellness. We are all here with you and will hold your hand!

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I know i need to call, but I don't want to.

From what i read therapy entails a lot of talking, and I am afraid of drowning in self pity.

My life was messed up from childhood, but i don't want to blame anyone.

It hard to explain, but once I realized who I was I lived a different life.

If my true self returns I might change into something I won't like.

I tried therapy as a child once, it made an impression.

I was sent by the elementary school mainly because I was left handed- and began to develop learning issues because they were forcing me to use my right hand

The therapist discovered my other issues. It build a wall of guilt between my mother and me. She told my mother I was suicidal and that it was her fault. How could anyone say that?

The truth was: my mother was a victim of spousal abuse, thus the short temper with the belt and i was a little more adventurous than most kids.

Then the therapist told me I did everything wrong and that i had to change the way I was to make people happy.

My former self was violent, extremely antisocial, constant runaway, and thrill seeker.

Deep in my thought I still recognize that child, even though I am a different person now.

I know that today, therapy has improved a lot, but i am somewhat cautious.

My therapy was painful and left many scars..it has been years, so i not terribly excited to seek that kind of help.

I will try again, but I am trying to build some stability before making that call.

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Yikes, it sounds like your therapy was pretty awful!

I hope you will make that call someday soon. Not all therapists are the same. There are many good ones out there! Until you feel you can do that, I suggest you visit your local public library and look around for books on depression, anxiety or any other issues you want to look at. Ask the Reference Librarian to help you and don't feel nervous about discussing with the librarian what you are looking for. Most people don't know it, but Librarians have a gigantic sense of confidenciality and keep all their Reference transactions totally confidencial. They are there to help you find the material you need. They WANT to help you!

So, maybe some reading might be the best for you right now. I would recommend some titles for you, but I don't know much about your situation. If you'd rather I help you find books, instead of your local librarian, then pm me and we'll discuss it. I'd be glad to help. I've been a librarian for almost 35 years and have helped thousands of people with their information needs.

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Hello ink. I keep coming across posts from people who sound a lot like me. You are no exception & in many ways we r similar. I had successful therapy several years ago which dealt with many of my issues & i was much happier because i could stand up for myself better & my self-confidence improved.

But at that time, I was unable to let go of the emotions left behind from childhood so i am familiar with pain and the scars such as u describe. I am now seeing a counsellor to deal with these & would strongly encourage u to go back to therapy. Mine was cased on CBT & it was really helpful as I say. Now that i am finally facing all that emotion, Having a counsellor behind me gives me the strength & support i need to explore these deep & painful issues. i wouldnt lie to u & say it would be easy but if you leave that pain suppressed deep inside you, the energy needed to suppress it will suck the life out of you. It will not go away & will continue to eat away at u. It's more productive to put that energy into ridding yourself of the baggage.

It's true that therapy can entail a lot of talking but whilst that doesn't sound like something you want to do, it can be very helpful once you get used to it. in my humble opinion, you wouldnt be drowning in self pity. I don't believe you r that type of person. If your life was messed up from childhood, you dont have to blame anyone. More so it's a case of identifying what is responsible in your past for the coping strategies you learned back then that worked as a child, but now as an adult, those strategies no longer work. Believe me I do know.

That's awful what they did because u r left handed. its annoying for me to hear that because i'm a leftie too. what crap they inflicted on you! Also your experience of therapy was pretty unfortunate, it sounds like that therapist wasn't very helpful & was too opinionated. You know, modern therapy techniques have improved alot. Your instinct is right, therapy has improved a lot, Do please try again, ink because it will be worth it. I won't promise it's an easy ride. I have been going thro a lot of anger and sadness lately with what I have been working thro but my belief is that it's going to help in the end. It has to. I have to believe that.

I can understand why you would prefer some stability before making that call but waiting for that to happen will probably perpetuate the situation. My advice would be to brave it out and make the call. You can take a journey away from frustration and towards freedom from this place u find yourself in now. Self discovery too. As the kind of person who can fix other people's problems, I don't think u are that person from long ago that you didn't like. Not any more.... It's high time u put yourself first for a change. U deserve it, really u do.

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