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Am I Kidding Myself?


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I know exactly what you're both going through having been through those conversations in the last few months and my advice would be to consult a solicitor as soon as possible if you think it is going that way, just for some general advice, normally the first hour or session is free of charge.

If you need any advice then just ask here or via PM.

Take care of yourself.

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Hey Katersbee, thanks for your thoughts and your message. No change for now - got him off suicide watch and lots of talks but no decision yet. I have agreed he can meet her tomorrow and then he has to decide. Unusual move I know but in my mind he has already left really so my tactic is just in case he really does stay I don't want resentment from him that I forced him to leave her and ultimately if he walks I want to know in my mind that he went of his own accord and not because I kicked him out.

There are many complicating factors but basically the next couple of days should be significant.

Keep on going .......

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Hi Fiona, The best bit of comfort I can give is this will sort itself out and you will feel better once it has.

I think it's very wise thing to do to allow him to see her as like you said at least you've done the right thing and not forced him into any decision, which is good for your own well being whichever way it goes. Also, let's be honest he has been devious enough over the last year seeing her anyway so there would be nothing you could do or say to stop him and to be honest why should you. In the end of the day if he stays it's because he wants to not for any other reason. I think you're being incredibly level headed about this, I can not commend your behaviour enough as you must be going through hell yourself :(

Just know we're (I'm) here if you need to vent or get anything off your chest and good luck x

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey PP. Thanks for your message and thoughts - I hope things are ok with you?

I guess a lot has happened here but in a nutshell he has committed to giving us a chance and has ceased all contact with her. He finally decided last Friday and although the first couple of days were really rough as he let the idea sink in that he would not be able to see her again just now he is being ok, affection is returning tentatively and we're taking it day by day.

By no means do i think this is a done deal. Although I know his feelings for her are more about infatuation and fantasy than real love he isn't there yet and there is a very real danger for a long time that he will weaken.

We start couples counselling soon and in the meantime we are talking about the communication problems we have and also fixing the financial pressures that added to this.

It won't be an easy path back to happiness as he has left it so long and muddied the waters with the affair but I am keeping my faith as much as I can.

As far as his depression goes he is now on 40 mg Prozac each day and is starting to see some real improvements (still good and bad days but he says he feels like he's 'waking up' on the good days and I suspect our situation is still a factor in the whole thing).

I will try and keep you posted.....

X

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I'm about the same as I always am, but thanks for asking Fiona!

I'm glad to hear that he's making an effort to give y'all another chance! Best of luck to you. It's going to take time, and there will very likely be times where there are setbacks, but it might make you stronger. I know couples that actually got closer together through things like this. It may seem like crazy talk right now, but maybe it'll work that way for y'all!

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Thanks! Yes although I am not taking it for granted i have read a lot of articles by marriage counsellors that say this situation is not hopeless by any means and I gotta say that if we do make it i do think things will be much stronger in every respect.

Very early days but I have to commend his efforts so far.

Appreciate your positive thoughts for me xx

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Hi folks - thought I would send you a quick update.....

So - things have just carried on in an amazing way, really better than I could ever have hoped for. It seems now his meds have been dosed correctly his depression has lifted and he says he is feeling happier and more like himself than he has in years. He is completely engaged again with our relationship, the other woman is not on his mind at all (when asked he says remembering it feels like it was months ago and is like it was someone else and he was watching it on a film rather than participating in it).

We start counselling next week but we've been talking openly and honestly and there have been no cross words or accusations, just understanding of how this happened from both sides. We're sad he was so ill for so long and neither of us realised.

He is being more loving, attentive and affectionate than he has been for years and he says he is completely happy and he doesn't regret his decision to stay for one minute.

We know there will be bumps in the road ahead as we go through counselling but I have to say we feel prepared and stronger than ever. Just amazing and an outcome I couldn't even have dreamed of. Depression sure is a destructive and all-encompassing thing.

Hope to update with some more in future. Nice to have a happy ending, but it's early days yet so we'll see. I want to keep this updated as there as so few happy endings on the net and it would be nice to give someone some hope that may be going through something similar in future.

:)

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Thanks both.

You know PP a lit of people have told me they don't know if they would be as strong as i have been but I don't feel very strong really and I think people have an amazing capacity when they are faced with such an enormous crisis for real.

I would have said an affair would be the end of us right up until it actually happened (and, indeed, my husband's hesitation in telling me was enormously attributable to him knowing my thoughts and not wanting our marriage to be over) but in reality a mistake on his part - caused by resolvable things - is not worth throwing away what I know was (and is again) an amazing relationship and bond.

Of course there is a lot of work to do on both sides but so far we are both willing and able to do it and we're reaping the rewards already. We have our first counselling session today but we're going in as a honeymoon couple! We have talked about our concerns over what counselling may do - I.e. bring up feelings or information etc. - but we have promised each other we will discuss things so they are understood and clear to us both and we'll keep an eye on the bigger picture.

As always am appreciating your support and hope you're doing ok?

I think you're a lot stronger than you know PP ;-)

X

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I suppose I can understand that. I suppose I am simply too self-conscious to really forgive, but again, I've not been in such a situation.

If you had asked me a few days ago, I'd have said I was doing well, but as it is, not doing very well at all as of late.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all, just thought it was time for an update, hopefully to help anyone that ends up in a similar situation....

PP - firstly I hope my message finds you well? I hope things are going well for you right now?

Things with me and my hubby have continued in a very, very positive way. Our relationship has been stronger than ever, we talk all the time and he is so very grateful that I stuck by him and tells me all the time he feels very lucky that his illness and the subsequent actions from it didn't ruin our marriage. He goes out of his way to reassure me all the time and we have made a lot of small changes to our life that have made a massive difference.

He is still on the higher dose of meds (40mg of Fluoxetine/Proxac each day) and he is scared about coming off it as he feels (in his words) 'better than I think I have ever felt in my life'. We're both keeping an eye on everything and talking very openly about what happened - particularly the affair - but from what he has told me I think he just got very messed up and the mess he created just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger until it got to a point where he couldn't see how there would ever be a way out.

He has said recently that he has no idea how it happened, that his ultimate outcome was always for us to be happy together, but he thought he had ruined everything but was so confused he didn't understand what to do. He realised a few days in (from giving her up) that he didn't miss her, he really realised my forgiveness was real and he said he felt overjoyed. He realised also that all his 'negative' ideas about me and about us were all caused by his depression - he feels confused when he tries to remember them now as he doesn't understand where they had come from. I told him people with depression had expressed to me a view of feeling like they were watching someone else or seeing life through really distorting glasses and he said he totally felt the same way - as if things weren't appearing how they really were.

So the upshot is that a few weeks on we're still great, everything is back on track and better than it has been in many years. He feels positive about the future, he has regained his interest in everything and he has gone back to being the sweet, loving and caring man he used to be - a man I had forgotten existed as his depression had been wearing away at him for so long.

I hope my story gives hope to others who find themselves challenged with depression and the fallout from it. I guess my husband did have mid-life issues thrown in there, but ultimately depression is depression and now he has the right treatment he is transformed. Time will tell how long he has to stay on meds as it seems his depression has been lurking for years, possibly all his adult life, but he knows now how it feels to be 'happy' and he likes it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm so very happy to hear everything has started to turn around so well for you Fiona. It's great news, truly. I wish y'all the best.

As for me, my professional life is getting better, but not my personal life. Even at ****ing 30, unrequited love is like the overall theme of my world. Worst of all, I feel like a teenage girl regarding how frustrating it is.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi PP, sorry for the delay but I only just saw your reply! Very happy to hear your professional life is going well, it's an area I need to work on right now after so much 'personal' time this year!

Unrequited love huh? Gee that is a tough one, don't feel I am any person to give advice re relationships ;) From your posts on here I think you are an incredible, insightful and caring person and any woman would be very lucky to have you, depression or not. At least you know about it and can deal with it going forward. One of my big sadnesses over what happened with my husband is how many years he suffered and had no idea, just thought he was unhappy with life in general and kept making changes to try and fix it which ultimately were just small sticking plasters. He could have sought treatment a lot sooner if we'd had any clue and maybe avoided so much pain. But hey, gotta look at the positives right?

I know I said it a lot but thanks again for all your kindness, support, wisdom and advice on here, it helped me through the darkest time of my life.

Things still going very positively for us, he is still on the higher meds and his doctor wants him on them for a minimum of 6 months before he reassesses the dosage. Hubby was sad at first to be 'a person with depression' but honestly now he has come to terms with it and sees the bigger picture - he has even said that if he ends up on meds the rest of his life it is better than going back to the place he was at.

Often think of you PP and hope things are good for you, stay hopeful if you can!

X

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Well, I'm glad I was able to help you with you're hard times though Fiona. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have to come to terms with certain things in my life, and that's really just the endgame of it all.

I hope that you and your husband have continued to flourish and move past that dark time. You should really be commended for your strength in all of it. I really doubt I'd have had the same strength if I were in your shoes.

Edited by PulledPork
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