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Trace, January 7, 2013 in One Step At A Time
I feel depressed, anxious, overheated, tired but unable to sleep.
depressed and scared of it inside
I feel scared and emotionally exhausted. Had to took a few day break from here as I was so low. Trying to activate myself again, in order to I have something more meaningful to do than dwelling on my thoughts.oh no sorry to hear that northern star. Here's all my good thoughts and encouragement wending their way to you. You say such kind things to everyone here.... Now it's our turn to support you.Thank you so much for your kind words Tessar! I'm almost in tears now, I get moved very easily.At the moment I'm a tad nervous, since I'm gonna see a dentist tomorrow morning. Haven't seen one for two years, so it's about time now. Besides I got a small lump in my gums two weeks ago. As it hasn't disappeared yet, I need to have checked it out sooner than later.
I feel scared and emotionally exhausted. Had to took a few day break from here as I was so low. Trying to activate myself again, in order to I have something more meaningful to do than dwelling on my thoughts.oh no sorry to hear that northern star. Here's all my good thoughts and encouragement wending their way to you. You say such kind things to everyone here.... Now it's our turn to support you.
I feel scared and emotionally exhausted. Had to took a few day break from here as I was so low. Trying to activate myself again, in order to I have something more meaningful to do than dwelling on my thoughts.
Thank you so much for your kind words Tessar! I'm almost in tears now, I get moved very easily.
At the moment I'm a tad nervous, since I'm gonna see a dentist tomorrow morning. Haven't seen one for two years, so it's about time now. Besides I got a small lump in my gums two weeks ago. As it hasn't disappeared yet, I need to have checked it out sooner than later.
hows your mouth now? sorry you were feeling very emotional but it happens. it's a good thing to release emotions & not keep them inside. I know that now but it doesnt always make me any better at letting them out! But I am learning.
Emotionally I'm fine again, but physically I feel very stiff and achey. Guess I have to get use to this pendulum of crap.
I'm a bit underslept, but should be OK from that standpoint. But I just had a really weird flashback from 20+ years ago. I was watching TV in the dark in my room, aged 16. My mother and I had had an argument over my grades, which were bad, and I was complaining about something regarding how she was reacting to it, and I had her in tears.
30 minutes later, my father barged in to my room, causing a loud bang of the door and scolded me about it. Something about "Why are you yelling at your mother when it was YOU that screwed up?!"Not necessarily the loudest voice ever, but when he is angry, he can use his voice VERY well to reflect that fact. What's worse is, he was right in this circumstance, as he usually is when he gets short.
I could not sleep at all that night, and I remember later in that year, when he came in to congratulate me on my grades, and didn't knock, I completely lost it, and got scared again.
This is really weird, because he isn't abusive. I was somewhat of a difficult kid, though I could have been worse.
This day was fine. Attended "Learn to draw in one day" training, had a good time and got some goofy pictures.
Turns out I still have a very hard time with letting go of worries and inner criticism. The training was focused on drawing things quickly and without too much thought, as we feel like it, but I constantly compared my works to those of other people, criticized myself, and sometimes it was hard enough that I actually lost inspiration and thought about leaving early, while everyone else seemed to have a terrific time and get results with ease.
Also, can't let go of worries about job, even while doing something else
Blah, off-kilter, slightly lonesome, frustrated with the side effects of my new meds.
Happy enough but tired, had a good fun day out with wifey and we enjoyed getting lots of bargains at various carboots
and spending time together.
I was awful but I am starting to perk up a little.
Woke up early feeling like I could get some house organising done but then things started going through my head. 2 1/2 hours later I get out of bed feeling NOT good. 80% of the time I don't know what I'm feeling or believe I don't feel anything!
Today I feel like I have a little anxiety and it is harder to relax. I had a good day, its just that feeling of anxiety that creeps in and wants to ruin your day kinda thing. What can I do about it? Sleep, exercise, journal and let it go,
I feel scared, fragile, depressed, vulnerable and aloof today. The work induced anxiety is slaying me.
My psychologist wants to see me tomorrow after I had a meltdown session with him last Friday. He wants to admit me into hospital for my depressive episode, suicidal ideation, SI and my protracted addiction to OTC pain killers. I dread the thought of hospital, where I will feel more vulnerable, stigmatized and out of control. I am dreading the codeine withdrawal symptoms that I have to face in hospital. I perceive it as being agonising as I have unsuccessfully tried on my own before. I hate to leave my wife and daughter alone at home but this is a battle I must face if I want to avoid a premature death.
So, ya, I feel really apprehensive and horrible. The stress is so bad I have broken out in eczema and I have a red face which looks like I have been sunburned.
Awful. I have a wicked sore throat and my neck is stiff as a board.
Decent and very hungry.
Like I'm waiting to be saved.
Today I feel like I'm starting to get melancholy, my emotions are starting subside and my anxiety is setting in. I have to find a way to relax and not let the anxiety take over.
great it almost 5pm have to go into town to drop some important paper, I shouldn't have said that I was gonna take the bus, now the bus is going to be full I never know where to place myself, always stupid rude people, I used to love using public transport now I dread it. Plus I used to love going to different place in the city but now I hate it, always feel so damn self conscious. feel like I don't belong there with those perfect people. and there gonna be a manifestation but I understand it for the tuition fee, just hope they are not blocking where I'm going oh well...
Still feeling a bit off from my new med. I don't have a good appetite and I'm a bit nauseous. I recovered from my side effects pretty well the past few days, but no so much today.
Long day, and my mood has been up and down. Spent a total of 4 hours with my mother today, which was overkill.
While alone at my psychologist's, though, I made a very interesting soul collage, within which I am exploring textures and travel anxiety. Where the two concepts will converge, I have no clue.
But yeah, I am burned out on my mother. Trying to improve my mood with stars of the Lid, but I dunno.
Today I really felt bad. I was in that mood where I really don't want anyone to see me not feel well but forced to talk.
The good thing was that I think I hid it well. Just two more days of the week to go.
I feel very anxious, nervous and apprehensive today. I am waiting for a call from the hospital to be admitted when they have found a vacant bed for me. I have to face detox from a long codeine addiction and fight off a bad depressive episode that I am dreading. It is 1pm and no call yet. The psychiatric ward has 80 beds. Its scary that they are all occupied. There are so many people struggling with depression, the hospitals are full! What is becoming of society? In order to release some tension I did a bit of Self Injury. Although it felt good, initially, I felt bad afterwards.
I feel very positive today. I talked to my mother about the reasons I'm afraid to go back to university and why I don't want to see anybody at the moment. I told her that I can fight this episode without any drugs, but I need her support. However, I think I'll start my first medication, because I don't want anybody to say I didn't give them a try, in case I fail.
Actually, I'm not sleeping during the day, I'm staying awake until 22:00. I'll try to sleep through the night. Small steps, right? :)
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