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Never Getting Better

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I know the title might seem weird to some of you and some of you may dispute it.

But I just know I am never getting better. If I was I would've seen some improvement since my depression (and everything else) started seven years ago. I just know it in my gut that this is how it will be; this is how I am hard-wired. So many people will tell me I am wrong and that it does get better. I believe that it can better, but I know that I won't.

I knew the first time I went into therapy that it wouldn't. I had a breakdown of sorts and told my brother I'd try it out. There was no harm in doing so, even though I doubted it. But I knew it wouldn't work. Regardless of if I actually put in the effort, it wasn't going to work. I didn't like my therapist much but that wasn't an issue. It was me. It always have been. The minute I said I didn't feel like it was working and was told i could change therapists, I did, only to appease others who wanted to see me get better. But I just made my way through that one as well. I saw someone for one session before changing to the therapist I have now. There was nothing wrong with the other one, but with this one if I put in some sort of effort at least I have "progress" to show others so they don't doubt me.

The thing is, even if I try to put in the effort, in the end I just can't. It's not that I know this is how my life is supposed to be. I try to put in the effort, but I just can't. And part of me doesn't want to. No one can really stop me from myself. Even the person who means the most to me in life cannot "save me". Sometimes I wish it was different, but I am comfortable this way. Even though it sucks a lot of the time and I hate depression, it is normal and stable.

I know I'll have people try to dispute this and disagree with me. But I feel it in my gut that this is it. I intuitively know that this won't end until leave this life in the future. Regardless of wanting to be alive now or not I just keep waking up each day. It is just a habit, just something to do. But this is how my life is. I just had to write this out because it was on my mind and letting it mill around on my laptop or in a random journal didn't feel like much. Well, it's after three in the morning. I need to get to sleep, as I have to be awake in seven hours.

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As you know it is only you who know your own emotions and mind. those closest to you can't "make" you get better and I can't either so I won't dispute what you say. I have found that for me there have been things that have helped, I needed to find the right counsellor and medications. I have felt at times that things would never get better and I won't say that I may feel this again, even quite soon.

There is a safeness to depression and some of my counselling has been difficult. As you say although I may hate the way I feel it is "known" (better the devil you know).

If you feel differently or that it may be time to have another go at counselling or medications do go for it. If as you say it is "hard wired" into you then it te future you may want to discuss trying medications that might at least help - in a sense asthma or diabetes (especially type 1 diabetes) is also hard wired and there is treatment that can help alleviate the symptoms even though the meds will not cure the illnesses.

if you do want to try things you may find support at the forums.

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if you do want to try things you may find support at the forums.

Thanks.

I am currently in therapy. I am not on medication. Medication makes me really anxious, even just to be around, so I do not want to take it if I don't have to. For everything else in my life, medication never seemed to work that well.

The thing is I have felt this for years. I have felt this for a number of years that this is the way it is supposed to be for me. Yes, it is safe here. But at the same time this is me. And it is how I am. Not long after it started I started realizing I was 'stuck'. I've dealt with severe depression for seven years. For several of those I have known I am staying this way and not getting better. I might be able to manage it, in a way, but I will never get better. I just know this is the way my life is and is supposed to be. I can't explain why I feel this way or why I know but I just do. It is one of the most true things I know and feel.

I know that if I could get better and if it was possible for me then I would. I would definitely do everything I can. I would have done something significant by now, in terms of progress. I think the reason I spent so long not telling anyone about it and hiding away was because if I told someone I'd have to admit to this illness I was living my life with. I didn't want to admit to it because then it would make it real and I would have to face my life. And since I knew I wasn't getting out of it, I tried to distract myself from it. I never wanted this. But it's not going away.

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For me, medication works. I guess everyone responds differently, but I know I wouldn't make it without my meds. Sure I live a mediocre life on them, but I also know that without them, I would spend most of my time in a deep depression and suicidal and that it could be much much worse. I am some anxiety too, but I take adivan and it helps with anxiety. These forums are a great place to be to find advice and support and the comfort of being with other like minded individuals. I wish you the best!

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