Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
stories

I Don't Know Why I Am This Depressed

Recommended Posts

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I've just let my normal depression because too normal. I'm not sure. I doubt this will make much sense but I'm writing it anyway.

About a month ago I was really suicidal. I attempted. I didn't go to the hospital. I just flushed my system with loads of water and let myself rest. My younger brother told me that he wants me to be here and I better not go anywhere. I knew that but when I get stuck in my own head even the reasons to stay don't seem good enough.

Since then it has been, I don't even know what. The anxiety had faded in and out and the suicidal thoughts are not as active as they were. It used to be that I'd think of every and any way to "go". I think my mind has settled down but just become a fog since then.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me or why I'm feeling this way. For a while I was 'nocturnal', as I call it, where I was staying up all night and then sleeping all day. I tried fixing it and it worked for a few days and it was nice to get outside when it was light/sunny out for once. But every couple of days I fall back into my nocturnal patterns. Like today, I went to bed around 5am and officially woke up around 9pm. Also I had a bad night of a binge and then p***ing it. It was bad. I have this massive fear and anxiety that someone heard me in the house I am staying in now and will find out and I will get called out on it. I can't handle that. Especially because it will probably be my younger sister, who I'm rooming with him, questiong me about it.

Part of me thinks that my body doesn't know what to do with itself. I don't have a job so I do not have that routine. But also I have no idea what to do everyday. I have no idea what I want to do as my interests are long gone. It could be not having a job or stable place to live. I am moving soon but it's still so up in the air. My younger brother is visiting and I feel unprepared in a way. We have to figure out where we are staying for the first four days of his trip, and then when I move we need to make beds of some sort.

I am in therapy and I know the only way to see progress, however slow/small it may be, is to put in the effort. That feels so weird. My therapist calls it finding a "new normal". I just find it odd when the way I've been feeling feels so oridnary to me. It feels so weird to have to change who I am, in a way. Putting in the effort feels weird to me. My younger brother said I've been "out of it" more so than usual lately and I had to push it aside like I didn't notice it. I know something is up and I have no idea what it is. I just don't feel like I can tell him or anyone though. I don't quite know why. But I feel like I should know what is going on with me. In therapy I am working on identifying the root causes of my negative thoughts. But this is one massive negative thought I can't figure out.

Edit: The good thing in all of this, saying that there is good in any of this, is that I haven't self-harmed, in a month actually. So that's nice and I need to keep that up.

Edited by stories

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am SO proud of you for not harming yourself for a whole month- AWESOME WORK keep it up!!

Depression is an illness and can strike anyone. Your problems, while you may pull back and attempt to view them logically, are your problems, and they are upsetting you. What I am trying to say is that you don't need a "reason" to be depressed, nor should you feel that you are a bad person or whatever because you can't see a "reason".

Now I say that and I know it is easier to say than actually do! I do this to myself too, "I have this and that and am so fortunate so why am I so SAD???" but that is the depression talking. It is going to take some time in therapy to work out this problem, glad to hear that you are working on that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What I am trying to say is that you don't need a "reason" to be depressed, nor should you feel that you are a bad person or whatever because you can't see a "reason".

Now I say that and I know it is easier to say than actually do! I do this to myself too, "I have this and that and am so fortunate so why am I so SAD???" but that is the depression talking.

I can relate to being able to see many things I am grateful for, yet wondering what is making me depressed. I think I want something to explain it because otherwise I just blame myself.

My therapist calls it finding a "new normal". I just find it odd when the way I've been feeling feels so oridnary to me. It feels so weird to have to change who I am, in a way. Putting in the effort feels weird to me.

Being depressed becomes a norm, and it is easier to stay in that than it is to make changes. Feeling depressed is a norm for me, and when I do things to improve my life, even though it helps, it still seems odd, because it is contrary to my "normal" way of thinking. It is easier when depressed to listen to the depressed thoughts than it is to listen to the very thoughts that could improve your life.

I'm glad you are in therapy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to being able to see many things I am grateful for, yet wondering what is making me depressed. I think I want something to explain it because otherwise I just blame myself.

Thanks bh34465 and cailcosky.

I relate to this a lot. I bame myself far too often. And most times I find every little excuse to put the blame on myself. This in itself is quite 'depressing'.

Edited by stories

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All great advice! Sounds like classic depression to me. You should definitely see your doctor and discuss about referring you to a great mental health provider and go from there. I wish you all the best. Let us know how it goes.

I am currently in therapy, doing CBT.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey :) from my experience having a job or just a routine are really important and may ease your depression. Even if it's not your ideal job or close to your ideal job, if you think you could work it would mean your day has a purpose/a meaning and purpose and meaning are often good antedates to depression. You will also meet new people, and while that might be the last thing you feel like doing it will be a distraction from what you are feeling and you never know what might come of it. Like your therapy, this too will take a bit of effort. Having a stable home is also important, is that something you could work towards at the moment?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to the feeling 'normal' part of your post. I believe I have been depressed for my entire life. So when I get treatment and I get 'normal' I do something to sabotage it and get back to what I am used to. And that is depression of the worst kind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Having a stable home is also important, is that something you could work towards at the moment?

A job would be nice but is not ideal until the end of January as my younger brother is coming on Monday and visiting for two weeks and then I am going back home to see him for three weeks. But after that I do want to get a job, I need to. I just need something that pays. I would love a stable housing situation but I've had no such luck. Maybe something will work out soon. I have an open house to go to tomorrow and I am going to make sure the hosuemates know I really want their place. I just have to figure something out for the time my younge brother is here. Thanks though.

I can relate to the feeling 'normal' part of your post. I believe I have been depressed for my entire life. So when I get treatment and I get 'normal' I do something to sabotage it and get back to what I am used to. And that is depression of the worst kind.

Ah, I hate when that happens. It is so weird to get to 'normal' but the craving comes or whatever it is and it calls/beckons you back. I feel like I don't know what life is like without the fog of depression lingering. And the scary part is that's all I know so changing is compeletly new to me. I haven't been depressed all my life but it definitely feels like a lifetime. I mean, I don't remember what is liek before my depression started, though I know there was a time before this. I barely remember what has happened since it started.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HELP!!

I am just adding this here, as I already have a thread and feel like this will suffice instead of creating a thread in the Members Needing Extra Support Now forum (though this is suitable for that forum).

But I am in complete distress right now. This is a terrible numb feeling. I am panicking, am anxious, depression, triggered to self-harm, etc.

I woke up this morning as my younger brother called. We talked for a bit but after we ended the call I fell straight back asleep. I did not hear my sister calling me numerous times to be let inside the house. I wish I did though. It would have been better than 'dreaming'. Well she came back and I know she shook me once or twice. I know she said the word 'angry' and then I guess something triggered my head. I had the worst nightmare I've ever had. It was graphic and terrifying. In the nightmare everyone was mad at me and everything was my fault. And I just started self-harming, over and over and over again. It wouldn't stop. I know I was squirming and shaking in my sleep. I was crying. I woke up crying. My pillow/sheet is still wet. When I woke up all I could say was "No, make it stop." It was horrible. it was so much pain in a dream. But I couldn't help myself. It just happened constantly and I wouldn't stop nor would anyone help me to stop. I was alone. I felt terrible and scared. It was such a frightening nightmare. I am really triggered right now too. I have no idea what to do. I am just uncomfortable numb and in a bad place right now. I need to get my act together as my younger brother comes in on Monday. I don't want to be like this around him. I really hope I don't self-harm, as I've been a month free, and it'd be nice not to have those scars on me when he comes. I don't know. I'm just really stressed about all of this. And I know my younger sister is still mad at me. I can't get away from that. I also can't avoid her much. She is at work but when she is back here at her place I am stuck. I don't know what to do. But I needed to write this out that this happened in case anyone had any advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay...if you are feeling that you want to hurt yourself, please give this a try: go get two ice cubes, put one in each hand, squeeze as hard as you can. This will cause some discomfort/pain but it will not scar or in any way cause permanent harm. This was helpful to me when I was trying to deal with SI.

Also, while you are doing that, or before or whenever - as you're reading this - breathe in three counts, hold one count, breathe out for three counts. Do this at least 10 times. Focus as much attention as you can on the breathing and counting.

I'm so sorry about the nightmare, I have bad nightmares sometimes too, they can wreck your whole day.

Now, hopefully after doing the above, you are feeling a bit better. Since you said you're staying with your sister, and that she might be angry with you, what about doing something for her while she is at work today, such as clean the bathroom or throw out the gross stuff in the fridge? That might help her not be so angry!

Sending lots of love and light and hugs your way

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sending lots of love and light and hugs your way

Thank you.

I didn't end up hurting myself. I didn't see your post about what to do. I just laid in bed and everyone in awhile started crying again or freaking out. But after a while I finally got out of the house to get away from my bed/sleeping. I was out of the house most of the day. Though it was super stressful and I had a few freak outs. I am back at my place now and am just going to relax and probably watch a television show to distract myself.

Also my sister is probably still angry with me. I am rooming with until next week. In this place I am sleeping in her room, same bed and all (it sucks), and there are two other people who two kids in the house. She is not usually here so my stuff i the only stuff in there and the bathroom's been cleaned. There is not much I can do but let it pass. Eventually she'll get over it, or I hope so. I just want to avoid her. She's not here tonight so I can relax without her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...