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Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1


itstrevor

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Started KIRA St John's Wort yesterday. Will keep everyone updated on my progress. Fingers ****ing crossed!

I tried SJW yesterday too. On the bottle, it suggests opening the capsule and making tea out of it.

Allow me to describe the taste: Have you ever gone up to someone's winter cabin over the weekend, turned on the water, and out comes this brownish-gray sludge, which you have to wait to exhaust itself before the clean water comes out of the tap? SJW "tea" is very much like if you were to catch the very first cup of water out of that tap and drink it.

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Yeah, to be honest, I don't think I want to get better, and I don't think I want to continue this existence anymore. Humanity makes me sick to my stomach... I can't enjoy anything in life.... everything is meaningless, so why even bother? To be honest, with this complete destruction of anything that made me human... even if recovery was possible, I don't think I want to recover anymore. To me, I'd rather prefer death. I honestly don't even want to continue this existence... I simply don't. I'm not emo or anything, but I just don't even see the point of "life" anymore.

Everyday is the same day. no matter what you do. Nothing means anything... not only have I been destroyed as a human being, I've been destroyed psychologically from this experience. This is my last post, because there's nothing left for me to say anymore. Peace out life.

Handsup you can't give up, you just can't, you have too much to live yet, you have to think how will you feel when you are cured from anhedonia, you will feel like the happiest man alive, you can't resign to that, oh no, you can't.

I know it's really really difficult dealing with the present but you have to think in the future, a future without anhedonia, you can't think It's permanent, because I think it's not, you have to try it everything.

I know you feel destroyed but when you feel emotions again you will fully recuperate, I'm sure, anything is lost.

I have the same as you, this fuc*** anhedonia, and I feel rotten inside but we must to believe in the cure, at least we have a goal, and we have to think in that goal every single day, that no matter how you feel, you will come out from this.

You have to shout to life NO!!!! you can't with me!!!! I will win!!!!, I do it sometimes, and it works, it gives me some strength.

And remember that you are not alone, we are with you, we are together, we all are testing medication, someone will find the cure and will help to the others, but if you can't help yourself, anybody can.

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Handsup, you really need to go get help now, regardless if you don't want to or think there's no point.
handsup: I suggest you go to see your Mom's GP, it doesn't have to be a commitment to any particular form of treatment, I know how you feel about your previous treatment.

Hang in there,

Clip

Yeah, to be honest, I don't think I want to get better, and I don't think I want to continue this existence anymore. Humanity makes me sick to my stomach... I can't enjoy anything in life.... everything is meaningless, so why even bother? To be honest, with this complete destruction of anything that made me human... even if recovery was possible, I don't think I want to recover anymore. To me, I'd rather prefer death. I honestly don't even want to continue this existence... I simply don't. I'm not emo or anything, but I just don't even see the point of "life" anymore.

Everyday is the same day. no matter what you do. Nothing means anything... not only have I been destroyed as a human being, I've been destroyed psychologically from this experience. This is my last post, because there's nothing left for me to say anymore. Peace out life.

Handsup you can't give up, you just can't, you have too much to live yet, you have to think how will you feel when you are cured from anhedonia, you will feel like the happiest man alive, you can't resign to that, oh no, you can't.

I know it's really really difficult dealing with the present but you have to think in the future, a future without anhedonia, you can't think It's permanent, because I think it's not, you have to try it everything.

I know you feel destroyed but when you feel emotions again you will fully recuperate, I'm sure, anything is lost.

I have the same as you, this fuc*** anhedonia, and I feel rotten inside but we must to believe in the cure, at least we have a goal, and we have to think in that goal every single day, that no matter how you feel, you will come out from this.

You have to shout to life NO!!!! you can't with me!!!! I will win!!!!, I do it sometimes, and it works, it gives me some strength.

And remember that you are not alone, we are with you, we are together, we all are testing medication, someone will find the cure and will help to the others, but if you can't help yourself, anybody can.

You see, I literally have nothing to live for anymore. I know we're all suffering from this horrific condition, and I don't want to say I have it worst than others... but I'm not sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys are. You see, I think it's something worst than anhedonia...and I'm not sure how that's possible. I feel like i'm in some sort of dream... everything looks blurry, everything looks unreal... I can't even have a conversation with another human being anymore, because I honestly cannot even relate to them.

I just left my house for the first time in a very long time, and I saw people... people were talking to each other.. everything looked weird. I feel like an observer... I caught a girl looking at me, I'm not sure why she did... maybe because I'm pale as a ghost/I look scary, but let's just say for whatever stupid reason, she thought I was cute... you see, that technically should make me happy or something... it's a positive thing, right? To me, it's not good or bad... it just means nothing... and I don't understand why this person was looking at me at all.

Mean I say I literally don't feel like a human being... I don't. I can't relate to other people... and when I mean complete destruction of anything that made me human, I totally meant it without any exaggeration whatsoever.

I never leave my house, I don't talk to anyone, I barely even speak, and I don't even shower anymore. Everything is meaningless in this state... it looks a lot like depression, but it's not, because I know what it was like to feel depressed, but depression is a JOKE compared to this state. Every single second of the day, I think about blowing my brains out... because I cannot enjoy life/have any human emotion or feelings... and I cannot function in life anymore. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have never taken those pills... but hey, I guess I was meant to suffer.

I literally do not have hope at all... I mean, hope is literally a joke. In this state, nothing good in this world exists. It simply doesn't. There's no such thing as "good things" in life.

One question... why do doctor's push these SSRI zombie pills on everyone, but when you want something like Wellbutrin or stimulants, they think you're a drug addict? (I'm not a doctor, this isn't professional advice, yada yada)? Just something to think about guys.

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Kira SJW acts like a MAOI - I have to watch my tyramine (cheese, red alcohol, liver etc) - why don`t you try this before frying your brain further with powerful prescription meds?

I understand you want to get better......like now!!...... but popping powerful med after med after med can`t be doing us any good!

This little herbal pill DOES work Trevor, I promise.......and it is sooooooo much safer for you.

I'm not sure that taking an MAOI is quite like "frying your brain." I'm not too sure that just because something is "natural" that means that it is better for you. I haven't heard of any long-term effects. If the Parnate doesn't work maybe I'll try the SJW, but essentially both Parnate and SJW work by increasing the levels of monoamine neurotransmitters, and I'm fairly sure that Parnate is more potent at this. There is a significant risk of interactions though. I just would have a hard time living with myself knowing that I hadn't tried EVERYTHING I could have done to help myself to get better and hadn't at least tried the Parnate before giving up on psychiatry. I'm not saying that SJW is ineffective though, it very well may work.

Plus I think that not trying the Parnate would deprive alot of people on this thread of hearing about the experience.

But remember, psych drugs affect everyone differently. Even though Bremelanotide did not work for me, for example, does not mean it would not work for others.

I agree with you Trevor. You know what's best for you and just because SJW helped one person doesn't mean it will help you... didn't help me. My doctor wants me to try abilify but the side effect profile has me seriously concerned. for now we're upping my effexor again and crossing our fingers. I'm thinking of asking him about modafinil / Provigil (though I see others have mentioned it's pricey). Anyone knwo of an add-on other than abilify with better side effect profile? I really couldn't tolerate feeling spacey/foggy or the weight gain. My job depends on me being alert and well, who wants to gain weight?

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Handsup, you really need to go get help now, regardless if you don't want to or think there's no point.
handsup: I suggest you go to see your Mom's GP, it doesn't have to be a commitment to any particular form of treatment, I know how you feel about your previous treatment.

Hang in there,

Clip

Yeah, to be honest, I don't think I want to get better, and I don't think I want to continue this existence anymore. Humanity makes me sick to my stomach... I can't enjoy anything in life.... everything is meaningless, so why even bother? To be honest, with this complete destruction of anything that made me human... even if recovery was possible, I don't think I want to recover anymore. To me, I'd rather prefer death. I honestly don't even want to continue this existence... I simply don't. I'm not emo or anything, but I just don't even see the point of "life" anymore.

Everyday is the same day. no matter what you do. Nothing means anything... not only have I been destroyed as a human being, I've been destroyed psychologically from this experience. This is my last post, because there's nothing left for me to say anymore. Peace out life.

Handsup you can't give up, you just can't, you have too much to live yet, you have to think how will you feel when you are cured from anhedonia, you will feel like the happiest man alive, you can't resign to that, oh no, you can't.

I know it's really really difficult dealing with the present but you have to think in the future, a future without anhedonia, you can't think It's permanent, because I think it's not, you have to try it everything.

I know you feel destroyed but when you feel emotions again you will fully recuperate, I'm sure, anything is lost.

I have the same as you, this fuc*** anhedonia, and I feel rotten inside but we must to believe in the cure, at least we have a goal, and we have to think in that goal every single day, that no matter how you feel, you will come out from this.

You have to shout to life NO!!!! you can't with me!!!! I will win!!!!, I do it sometimes, and it works, it gives me some strength.

And remember that you are not alone, we are with you, we are together, we all are testing medication, someone will find the cure and will help to the others, but if you can't help yourself, anybody can.

You see, I literally have nothing to live for anymore. I know we're all suffering from this horrific condition, and I don't want to say I have it worst than others... but I'm not sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys are. You see, I think it's something worst than anhedonia...and I'm not sure how that's possible. I feel like i'm in some sort of dream... everything looks blurry, everything looks unreal... I can't even have a conversation with another human being anymore, because I honestly cannot even relate to them.

I just left my house for the first time in a very long time, and I saw people... people were talking to each other.. everything looked weird. I feel like an observer... I caught a girl looking at me, I'm not sure why she did... maybe because I'm pale as a ghost/I look scary, but let's just say for whatever stupid reason, she thought I was cute... you see, that technically should make me happy or something... it's a positive thing, right? To me, it's not good or bad... it just means nothing... and I don't understand why this person was looking at me at all.

Mean I say I literally don't feel like a human being... I don't. I can't relate to other people... and when I mean complete destruction of anything that made me human, I totally meant it without any exaggeration whatsoever.

I never leave my house, I don't talk to anyone, I barely even speak, and I don't even shower anymore. Everything is meaningless in this state... it looks a lot like depression, but it's not, because I know what it was like to feel depressed, but depression is a JOKE compared to this state. Every single second of the day, I think about blowing my brains out... because I cannot enjoy life/have any human emotion or feelings... and I cannot function in life anymore. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have never taken those pills... but hey, I guess I was meant to suffer.

I literally do not have hope at all... I mean, hope is literally a joke. In this state, nothing good in this world exists. It simply doesn't. There's no such thing as "good things" in life.

One question... why do doctor's push these SSRI zombie pills on everyone, but when you want something like Wellbutrin or stimulants, they think you're a drug addict? (I'm not a doctor, this isn't professional advice, yada yada)? Just something to think about guys.

I don't know, but it seems to surround dopamine, and I'm trying to figure out if they know of some kind of dangers surrounding dopamine or not. I'm very confused over this too.

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Handsup, you really need to go get help now, regardless if you don't want to or think there's no point.
handsup: I suggest you go to see your Mom's GP, it doesn't have to be a commitment to any particular form of treatment, I know how you feel about your previous treatment.

Hang in there,

Clip

Yeah, to be honest, I don't think I want to get better, and I don't think I want to continue this existence anymore. Humanity makes me sick to my stomach... I can't enjoy anything in life.... everything is meaningless, so why even bother? To be honest, with this complete destruction of anything that made me human... even if recovery was possible, I don't think I want to recover anymore. To me, I'd rather prefer death. I honestly don't even want to continue this existence... I simply don't. I'm not emo or anything, but I just don't even see the point of "life" anymore.

Everyday is the same day. no matter what you do. Nothing means anything... not only have I been destroyed as a human being, I've been destroyed psychologically from this experience. This is my last post, because there's nothing left for me to say anymore. Peace out life.

Handsup you can't give up, you just can't, you have too much to live yet, you have to think how will you feel when you are cured from anhedonia, you will feel like the happiest man alive, you can't resign to that, oh no, you can't.

I know it's really really difficult dealing with the present but you have to think in the future, a future without anhedonia, you can't think It's permanent, because I think it's not, you have to try it everything.

I know you feel destroyed but when you feel emotions again you will fully recuperate, I'm sure, anything is lost.

I have the same as you, this fuc*** anhedonia, and I feel rotten inside but we must to believe in the cure, at least we have a goal, and we have to think in that goal every single day, that no matter how you feel, you will come out from this.

You have to shout to life NO!!!! you can't with me!!!! I will win!!!!, I do it sometimes, and it works, it gives me some strength.

And remember that you are not alone, we are with you, we are together, we all are testing medication, someone will find the cure and will help to the others, but if you can't help yourself, anybody can.

You see, I literally have nothing to live for anymore. I know we're all suffering from this horrific condition, and I don't want to say I have it worst than others... but I'm not sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys are. You see, I think it's something worst than anhedonia...and I'm not sure how that's possible. I feel like i'm in some sort of dream... everything looks blurry, everything looks unreal... I can't even have a conversation with another human being anymore, because I honestly cannot even relate to them.

I just left my house for the first time in a very long time, and I saw people... people were talking to each other.. everything looked weird. I feel like an observer... I caught a girl looking at me, I'm not sure why she did... maybe because I'm pale as a ghost/I look scary, but let's just say for whatever stupid reason, she thought I was cute... you see, that technically should make me happy or something... it's a positive thing, right? To me, it's not good or bad... it just means nothing... and I don't understand why this person was looking at me at all.

Mean I say I literally don't feel like a human being... I don't. I can't relate to other people... and when I mean complete destruction of anything that made me human, I totally meant it without any exaggeration whatsoever.

I never leave my house, I don't talk to anyone, I barely even speak, and I don't even shower anymore. Everything is meaningless in this state... it looks a lot like depression, but it's not, because I know what it was like to feel depressed, but depression is a JOKE compared to this state. Every single second of the day, I think about blowing my brains out... because I cannot enjoy life/have any human emotion or feelings... and I cannot function in life anymore. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have never taken those pills... but hey, I guess I was meant to suffer.

I literally do not have hope at all... I mean, hope is literally a joke. In this state, nothing good in this world exists. It simply doesn't. There's no such thing as "good things" in life.

One question... why do doctor's push these SSRI zombie pills on everyone, but when you want something like Wellbutrin or stimulants, they think you're a drug addict? (I'm not a doctor, this isn't professional advice, yada yada)? Just something to think about guys.

I don't know, but it seems to surround dopamine, and I'm trying to figure out if they know of some kind of dangers surrounding dopamine or not. I'm very confused over this too.

To me, I think they're ok with people becoming zombies, but they don't want to be happy and feel alive. That's my opinion.

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Well, I just had an argument with my mom... apparently she thinks other people on the Internet who are suffering from anhedonia are psychotics/messed up since birth. She doesn't understand that there are innocent people/victims who are suffering from anhedonia, Worst part is, she's blindly optimistic/delusional, and thinks I will recover.

I want to recover... but I know I most likely won't. It's not because I don't... it's because most people don't recover from something like this. It's honestly ruining me, and I think about committing suicide every single day... because what's the point of waking up knowing that every day is the same day, and that there's nothing to look forward to when waking up?

She wants to help me, and that's a great thing, but I guess I'm asking too much for her to understand that anhedonia is practically permanent... she keeps saying "blah blah blah, nothing is permanent, you will recover". I hate hearing this.. I don't want to hear this b.s... this world isn't rainbows and roses. I mean, I've had anhedonia for 5 years now.. i'm pretty sure it's safe to say that it's not going away.

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**** i'm so miserable. We all have one chance at life... so why do we suffer from this? Why suffer from something so inhumane?

Everyone goes out... has fun... enjoys life... but for me, I don't understand why I'd even want to leave the house ever again, because I can't enjoy anything. I think this was honestly meant to be.. I wish I had depression, that would be nice... but whatever, I don't expect to even recover... it's impossible to see recovery as a possibility in this state..

Edited by handsup
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I've never had a "recovery" from this, but I have had remissions that lasted up to three years, once without meds even. In my non-med remission I held down a good job, had a tiny social circle, and even had a relationship with a college student for one summer who was 20 years younger then me. When she had to leave the state and go back to school I feared it my "trigger" the darkness. It didn't, I was simply sad she left and missed her, but it cleared up and everything was fine for almost another year. That's when my remission started to slip away until I could no longer function at work, socially or other.

I am still trying with each breath to get back that remission, I know it's possible so I won't stop trying. But go****t is it ever hard to go on some days with this battle.

Edited by Rhop
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Any day now, and I'll probably lose my mind and just end this existence, because this type of suffering is ruining me day-by-day. Gee, who knows where I would have been in life if I didn't take those pills... but this is my luck, and I have to accept that my life is over. I will no longer post here anymore... unless I try new meds.

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Handsup I really don't understand what you are trying to accomplish by going on the way that you are about how miserable the condition is. It sounds like your mother really cares about you and it is probably painful for her to see you doing this. I have had days where I have completely "lost it" and felt hopeless and such, but I always figure that the extra negativity and "giving up" just make things worse and make my mood lower. I don't know if the anhedonia is letting up a bit or if I'm just used to it, but today was actually a very bearable day. I went out with some friends and played frisbee and such.

I know what everyone is saying might not actually change your behavior. I'm not sure if you are just venting, looking for some sympathy, or what, but in my experience its best just to try and ride through it with as little negativity as possible and try to live life the best that you can. I'm not perfect either I've had days where things felt impossible or unbearable. I might have griped a bit and even wrote some negative things in this thread. I don't know, I'm just not sure what you are trying to accomplish by continuing to do what you are doing. Everyone here is trying to look for solutions. If you really have given up, I'm not sure why you are continuing to post here. I'm not saying stop posting or leave or anything I'm just wondering what you would like any of us to do. I have channeled my frustration into trying to come up with information about a cure. My depression seems to actually be approaching a bearable level on some days.

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Kira SJW acts like a MAOI - I have to watch my tyramine (cheese, red alcohol, liver etc) - why don`t you try this before frying your brain further with powerful prescription meds?

I understand you want to get better......like now!!...... but popping powerful med after med after med can`t be doing us any good!

This little herbal pill DOES work Trevor, I promise.......and it is sooooooo much safer for you.

I'm not sure that taking an MAOI is quite like "frying your brain." I'm not too sure that just because something is "natural" that means that it is better for you. I haven't heard of any long-term effects. If the Parnate doesn't work maybe I'll try the SJW, but essentially both Parnate and SJW work by increasing the levels of monoamine neurotransmitters, and I'm fairly sure that Parnate is more potent at this. There is a significant risk of interactions though. I just would have a hard time living with myself knowing that I hadn't tried EVERYTHING I could have done to help myself to get better and hadn't at least tried the Parnate before giving up on psychiatry. I'm not saying that SJW is ineffective though, it very well may work.

Plus I think that not trying the Parnate would deprive alot of people on this thread of hearing about the experience.

But remember, psych drugs affect everyone differently. Even though Bremelanotide did not work for me, for example, does not mean it would not work for others.

I agree with you Trevor. You know what's best for you and just because SJW helped one person doesn't mean it will help you... didn't help me. My doctor wants me to try abilify but the side effect profile has me seriously concerned. for now we're upping my effexor again and crossing our fingers. I'm thinking of asking him about modafinil / Provigil (though I see others have mentioned it's pricey). Anyone knwo of an add-on other than abilify with better side effect profile? I really couldn't tolerate feeling spacey/foggy or the weight gain. My job depends on me being alert and well, who wants to gain weight?

Well, if you can stand the potential anxiety you could try augment with Wellbutrin. You could also augment with Mirtazapine (but for god sake avoid sugar while on it! ).Maybe Chromium would help against the craving and if not the blood sugar levels but they can be intertwined. The latter is a classical combination "California Rocket Fuel". It has been shown as effective as parnate with less sideeffect however I doubt it addresses anhedonia. But maybe Parnate doesnt shine there either. Maybe you get lucky with low doses of abilify and your prolactine still is intact. Abilify might work against anhedonia thanks to Partial D2 agonism. But low doses of amisulpride could also work and must be cheaper. I am taking Provigil as well. It probably helps against tiredness but not much else. At first it was extremely good against my tendencies of procrastination. I just decided for something and then I did it. But that lasted about 2-3 days. If you can get hold of Adrafanil that would be cheaper.

Good luck!

This is just elaborating on augmentionening. If you were into monotherapy options like Agomelatine and other drugs would be taken into account.

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Handsup I really don't understand what you are trying to accomplish by going on the way that you are about how miserable the condition is. It sounds like your mother really cares about you and it is probably painful for her to see you doing this. I have had days where I have completely "lost it" and felt hopeless and such, but I always figure that the extra negativity and "giving up" just make things worse and make my mood lower. I don't know if the anhedonia is letting up a bit or if I'm just used to it, but today was actually a very bearable day. I went out with some friends and played frisbee and such.

I know what everyone is saying might not actually change your behavior. I'm not sure if you are just venting, looking for some sympathy, or what, but in my experience its best just to try and ride through it with as little negativity as possible and try to live life the best that you can. I'm not perfect either I've had days where things felt impossible or unbearable. I might have griped a bit and even wrote some negative things in this thread. I don't know, I'm just not sure what you are trying to accomplish by continuing to do what you are doing. Everyone here is trying to look for solutions. If you really have given up, I'm not sure why you are continuing to post here. I'm not saying stop posting or leave or anything I'm just wondering what you would like any of us to do. I have channeled my frustration into trying to come up with information about a cure. My depression seems to actually be approaching a bearable level on some days.

I'm not trying to accomplish anything, I'm simply frustrated that I'm not a human being anymore. How is it possible to be positive in this state? You know, I hate this thinking where everyone is like "Be postive, be happy! Cheer up!" This type of thinking is for delusional idiots.

I'll be visiting a psychiatrist, but in all honesty, I do not have hope. Most people who ask to try stimulants are accused of being "drug addicts"... and I live in Canada (amazing free health care.... not) and apparently it's hard to get Ritalin/Adderall here. All psychiatrists/doctors here seem to push the SSRI zombie pill on people here... heck, they don't even like prescribing Wellbutrin... LOL.

I don't want to be in this state, but day-by-day, I'm becoming more miserable.

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I'm not trying to accomplish anything, I'm simply frustrated that I'm not a human being anymore. How is it possible to be positive in this state? You know, I hate this thinking where everyone is like "Be postive, be happy! Cheer up!" This type of thinking is for delusional idiots.

I'll be visiting a psychiatrist, but in all honesty, I do not have hope. Most people who ask to try stimulants are accused of being "drug addicts"... and I live in Canada (amazing free health care.... not) and apparently it's hard to get Ritalin/Adderall here. All psychiatrists/doctors here seem to push the SSRI zombie pill on people here... heck, they don't even like prescribing Wellbutrin... LOL.

I don't want to be in this state, but day-by-day, I'm becoming more miserable.

You really need to listen to what advice people give you to help yourself out because honestly, you're not doing yourself any favours. It's a choice from this point onwards, you not taking my advice is a decision. I don't see how someone who has been through the same thing as you and given you a lot of advice on what to do and understands how you feel, you still refuse to help yourself. Once you do help yourself, although you do have to work hard at it for a while, you'll thank yourself. You won't get there till YOU make that DECISION to get better. You're making the decision to remain miserable by relying on pills that you think will help you, which you'll probably regret and the cycle continues. Yes the positive-thinking stuff is bulls*** and even is after you come from depression but your thinking isn't altered and it's more logical. Forget positive-thinking, think logically and rationally.

Edit: Think about your situation extremely deeply, why have you been so miserable for the past 5 years? What real effort have you made to overcome it? Be honest with yourself. When I was going through it, I found it extremely difficult to even think good things as it didn't exist and everyone was shoving positive thinking down my throat too but when I really analysed the situation, I asked myself to answer honestly about what I'm doing, where I want to go and how I'm going to get there. That was the toughest part and things didn't lighten up for 2 extra days but I constantly went back to that action plan and thought it over repeatedly, my depression lifted. No psychologists, no psychiatrists, no medications. And going through the self-reflection extremely deeply was INCREDIBLY painful. It was the hardest due to the fact that I had to muster up the energy to get through the whole thing. But it was worth it. And it wasn't a silly magical thing, I MADE it happen by making a DECISION to get better.

Edited by MusicLover2
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There's a guy named Devoid who magically recovered from his condition, but what he says PERFECTLY describes me:

"With my self and emotions gone, life has been a completely non-existent experience. I spend literally all my time in bed and eating and have gained over 50 pounds. As the days and months pass, I am oblivious. I do nothing, yet I'm not bored.

The world is going by without me, yet I don't care. Because of this broken consciousness, no matter where I go or what I attempt to do, everything is a non-experience for me. Basic feelings about being alive that I always took for granted are no longer there. The concept and schema of summer along with everything it used to mean doesn't exist anymore, so the fact that it has passed me by doesn't matter.

If the area of my brain containing my personality, emotions, self, and psyche were a hard drive, it's as if someone has used KillDisk to format and completely obliterate its contents. None of those aspects of me exist anymore, and so in a very real way I don't exist. I can't "feel" anything towards this, because my capacity to feel has been completely destroyed."

Anyone else feel the exact same?

I am like that since birth. Well I did gain a bit more then 50lbs since then but otherwise it is the same. I didn't even know that you are supposed to expirence emotions in the body before I had read about it (butterflyes, change in hearth beat etc.) since that had never happen to me.

You see, I literally have nothing to live for anymore. I know we're all suffering from this horrific condition, and I don't want to say I have it worst than others... but I'm not sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys are. You see, I think it's something worst than anhedonia...and I'm not sure how that's possible. I feel like i'm in some sort of dream... everything looks blurry, everything looks unreal... I can't even have a conversation with another human being anymore, because I honestly cannot even relate to them.

I just left my house for the first time in a very long time, and I saw people... people were talking to each other.. everything looked weird. I feel like an observer... I caught a girl looking at me, I'm not sure why she did... maybe because I'm pale as a ghost/I look scary, but let's just say for whatever stupid reason, she thought I was cute... you see, that technically should make me happy or something... it's a positive thing, right? To me, it's not good or bad... it just means nothing... and I don't understand why this person was looking at me at all.

I either had felt nothing in such situations or I got annoyed. Not sure if I get annoyed becouse somebody bothers with matters that aren't interesting to me, or if I get annoyed becouse it is supposed to be enjoyable but it isn't.

I did try various drugs mentioned in the first post of this threat with o effect. I got fed up with trying drugs, and for now I don't see any that could help me. I will try gut healing diet now.

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So I have been taking Kira St. John's Wort 2x a day for 4 days now. I am obviously a little early in the game here, but I want to comment on something that has been happening for the past two nights. I have been having VERY feeling-filled dreams, and remembering them. Not usually common for me at all.

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So I have been taking Kira St. John's Wort 2x a day for 4 days now. I am obviously a little early in the game here, but I want to comment on something that has been happening for the past two nights. I have been having VERY feeling-filled dreams, and remembering them. Not usually common for me at all.

One of the very first things I noticed leave back when this all started was I wasn't having dreams anymore. Then back in September when I finally started trying to fix it, one of the first things I noticed as well was I was dreaming again, and that I could remember them.

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I'm not trying to accomplish anything, I'm simply frustrated that I'm not a human being anymore. How is it possible to be positive in this state? You know, I hate this thinking where everyone is like "Be postive, be happy! Cheer up!" This type of thinking is for delusional idiots.

I'll be visiting a psychiatrist, but in all honesty, I do not have hope. Most people who ask to try stimulants are accused of being "drug addicts"... and I live in Canada (amazing free health care.... not) and apparently it's hard to get Ritalin/Adderall here. All psychiatrists/doctors here seem to push the SSRI zombie pill on people here... heck, they don't even like prescribing Wellbutrin... LOL.

I don't want to be in this state, but day-by-day, I'm becoming more miserable.

You really need to listen to what advice people give you to help yourself out because honestly, you're not doing yourself any favours. It's a choice from this point onwards, you not taking my advice is a decision. I don't see how someone who has been through the same thing as you and given you a lot of advice on what to do and understands how you feel, you still refuse to help yourself. Once you do help yourself, although you do have to work hard at it for a while, you'll thank yourself. You won't get there till YOU make that DECISION to get better. You're making the decision to remain miserable by relying on pills that you think will help you, which you'll probably regret and the cycle continues. Yes the positive-thinking stuff is bulls*** and even is after you come from depression but your thinking isn't altered and it's more logical. Forget positive-thinking, think logically and rationally.

Edit: Think about your situation extremely deeply, why have you been so miserable for the past 5 years? What real effort have you made to overcome it? Be honest with yourself. When I was going through it, I found it extremely difficult to even think good things as it didn't exist and everyone was shoving positive thinking down my throat too but when I really analysed the situation, I asked myself to answer honestly about what I'm doing, where I want to go and how I'm going to get there. That was the toughest part and things didn't lighten up for 2 extra days but I constantly went back to that action plan and thought it over repeatedly, my depression lifted. No psychologists, no psychiatrists, no medications. And going through the self-reflection extremely deeply was INCREDIBLY painful. It was the hardest due to the fact that I had to muster up the energy to get through the whole thing. But it was worth it. And it wasn't a silly magical thing, I MADE it happen by making a DECISION to get better.

You see, no one's advise can be applied to me, because I'm not depressed, and the decision to get better is not up to me. As for depression 5 years ago, I was traumatized and very sad/upset about life... when a loved one passes away, it will make you depressed... and that's normal, but for whatever reason, I took Prozac which destroyed me. What I have is no longer depression, but something that has destroyed me as a human being... you have to understand that. I know you might not understand from my point of view (I'm not even sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys) but I literally feel defeated and destroyed... I know it's hard to understand that, but I literally feel destroyed. When I say I can't relate to other humans, I honestly can't... you can't tell me not wanting to be near people is normal... I use to be a very out going person, I was hyper/energetic... I had an amazing sense of humor.. etc... I use to be a human being, but not anymore.

I'm going to try to get better... all I can do is try... but the decision isn't up to me. What's discouraging is that I'm trying to get better, but if you ask for a certain medication, they will say "you're a drug addict, that's drug seeking behavior" etc.. my psychiatrist didn't even want to prescribe WELLBUTRIN.... LOL. I mean, with these brainless/clueless doctors, there's no such thing as hope. Good doctors no longer exist.

I want to recover and I really want to be alive, but I honestly feel hopeless... (I don't feel, but you get the point) there was something magical about life... I felt so alive before, but now, I feel like a complete zombie... and I wouldn't even call myself a human being anymore. You know that feeling when you have a crush on a person? Man... that feeling was awesome.

I don't know what I want from life anymore, other than to feel human again... and maybe from there, I can decide what I want from life... because in this state, everything is meaningless. My anhedonia is causing me to be depressed now.

You have to understand I do want to recover... and to be a human being again, but I can't control that... I wish I could, though.

There's a guy named Devoid who magically recovered from his condition, but what he says PERFECTLY describes me:

"With my self and emotions gone, life has been a completely non-existent experience. I spend literally all my time in bed and eating and have gained over 50 pounds. As the days and months pass, I am oblivious. I do nothing, yet I'm not bored.

The world is going by without me, yet I don't care. Because of this broken consciousness, no matter where I go or what I attempt to do, everything is a non-experience for me. Basic feelings about being alive that I always took for granted are no longer there. The concept and schema of summer along with everything it used to mean doesn't exist anymore, so the fact that it has passed me by doesn't matter.

If the area of my brain containing my personality, emotions, self, and psyche were a hard drive, it's as if someone has used KillDisk to format and completely obliterate its contents. None of those aspects of me exist anymore, and so in a very real way I don't exist. I can't "feel" anything towards this, because my capacity to feel has been completely destroyed."

Anyone else feel the exact same?

I am like that since birth. Well I did gain a bit more then 50lbs since then but otherwise it is the same. I didn't even know that you are supposed to expirence emotions in the body before I had read about it (butterflyes, change in hearth beat etc.) since that had never happen to me.

You see, I literally have nothing to live for anymore. I know we're all suffering from this horrific condition, and I don't want to say I have it worst than others... but I'm not sure if I'm experiencing the same thing as you guys are. You see, I think it's something worst than anhedonia...and I'm not sure how that's possible. I feel like i'm in some sort of dream... everything looks blurry, everything looks unreal... I can't even have a conversation with another human being anymore, because I honestly cannot even relate to them.

I just left my house for the first time in a very long time, and I saw people... people were talking to each other.. everything looked weird. I feel like an observer... I caught a girl looking at me, I'm not sure why she did... maybe because I'm pale as a ghost/I look scary, but let's just say for whatever stupid reason, she thought I was cute... you see, that technically should make me happy or something... it's a positive thing, right? To me, it's not good or bad... it just means nothing... and I don't understand why this person was looking at me at all.

I either had felt nothing in such situations or I got annoyed. Not sure if I get annoyed becouse somebody bothers with matters that aren't interesting to me, or if I get annoyed becouse it is supposed to be enjoyable but it isn't.

I did try various drugs mentioned in the first post of this threat with o effect. I got fed up with trying drugs, and for now I don't see any that could help me. I will try gut healing diet now.

I'm sorry to hear man... could it be schizophrenia by any chance? I honestly don't know. I just know how terrible it is, and inhumane it is going through this bulls***.

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