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wanderer82

Things Are Worse Than I Thought, I'm Getting Scared

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First of all I wanted to acknowledge that I sometimes begin topics and never reply back. I do come back to read the responses but somewhere along the way I get too apathetic or avoidant to reply. So I would like to say thank you to anyone who has replied to the last threads that I may have ignored, I really do appreciate the time you take to give feedback.

I decided in 2012 I would work hard on the depression, anxiety, and OCD that have been crippling me for years by sticking with therapy and medication. I accepted the reality that I need these things to be well and could not continue on the same deadend path of sheer will-power. I have been faithfully going to therapy since the beginning of year and trying to stay as engaged as possible in my depressed state. I am currently on my 4th AD since November of last year. I have been on Viibryd for about 7-8 weeks, I experienced a brief lift in mood a week and a half in before it slowly went down again. I increased my dosage in small increments two times until I reached the recommended dosage by my pdoc. I started on 20 mgs this past Sunday but dropped down back to 15 mgs today b/c of extreme jaw pain. I know I should stay on 20 mgs longer but I'm trying to assess whether the jaw pain is from stress or the medication.

I have become increasingly suicidal, worse than I have ever been which I didn't know was possible. The feelings are impulsive which I haven't exprienced before. My OCD is out of control, I spent an hour and a half this morning in a ritual. I'm eating less. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I cry when the sun comes up because I don't want to start another day.

I told my therapist this and her reaction scared me. If she thinks it's bad, it must be bad. She wants me in intensive outpatient therapy 9-12 hours a week. I would consider it but the fall semester is starting and I work full time, I don't have time. Her suggestion of outpatient therapy hit me really hard, I can't believe this is where I'm at. I'm considering cutting my hours back at work to help relieve some stress but I really need the money. For some reason I'm ashamed of the idea. I should be able to handle this.

I think the reality of my condition is hitting me and I'm really shaken up. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff.

I see my pdoc next week. Is it time to switch meds? Should I give this one more time? I don't know where to go from here.

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Hi wanderer, and thanks so much for posting to us. I understand the pain, I really do. Sometimes our mind builds its own defenses to protect us from the anxiety. I remember it was probably a year and a half ago, I had my first ever panic attack while asleep. It was the most intense emotional pain I had ever experienced, I just thought I was about to die there. It sounds like you have a lot of pain that's coming to you in a really harsh and merciless way now. I know it's really hard to focus now and the stress is immense, so remember to reach out there and call a hotline just to get help in an emergency situation. You have to reach out to someone and tell how you truly feel, that's the only way to get help. I understand that you want to handle this alone and make it better yourself. You need to see the positives in her suggestion for intensive therapy, you can truly get intensive emotional support and help. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, I've been to the same place as you and still am. I think you're in a critical stage now, and I have total faith in you that you will get through this and it's going to make everything better. Therapy is the best and most efficient way to deal with this, and it's totally no shame to accept and get that help in this very stage. You're dealing with crucial things, that have so much to do with your life and future. Again, thanks for writing and for your kind words too. We're grateful for them :)

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Please don't be ashamed of what is happening to you, it's not your fault. And no, it's not always possible to handle these issues on your own. In fact, when you insist on handling things on your own you can often get yourself deeper into trouble. This is especially true in light of your suicidal feelings. Please listen to your therapist. Earlier this year I was in a partial hospitalization program and then intensive outpatient therapy, it saved my life. I thought I could handle things on my own, but I was wrong. Allowing myself to get the help I needed was a life saver. I had to take time off of work, which was hard to do, but it was necessary. You have a lot on your plate with work and school, and I understand how cutting back on your hours at work could make things difficult financially, but think about what the consequences could be if you don't get some help. If you absolutely cannot do the intensive outpatient therapy, talk to your therapist for other options. There has to be something that will work for you!

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