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What Has Depression Ultimately Caused In Your Relationship?

what has depression caused on your relationship? Part#2  

361 members have voted

  1. 1. What happened to your relationship when depression came along?

    • Depression has bring us together, our bond is stronger now that we've been through this
      32
    • We broke up, it was impossible to be in a relationship with someone, the depressed partner initiated the break up
      51
    • We broke up, the non-depressed partner initiated the break up
      61
    • Has been an hard time, we reunited only after depression got under control
      11
    • My depression didn't affect much the relationship with my partner
      7
    • I'm in the middle of it and I have no idea what to do !
      198


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I have been depressed since I turned 16 and haven't been in any significant relationships until 2 years ago. 2 years ago my father became estranged from me and my sisters and it seems as if his absence might have made me cling to a male presence that I wouldn't have otherwise. I feel like my boyfriend and I have some very deep similarities: I trust him, feel safe with him, we both are attracted to each other and we have a lot of fun together but, as my therapist pointed out, he is not my 'brother in the darkness'. I am not depression-elitist or anything but sometimes its hard trying to convey or deal with things that effect me existentially as oppose to just having a bad day precipitated by an actual event. I find myself trying to hide my depression from him and because of that I experience the most relationship difficulty when my boyfriend is down. I try SO HARD to be 'okay' and on those rare occasions when I am feeling authentically good and he acts moody it makes me upset...I know this is selfish. I broke up with my last boyfriend when he was acting down for a long period of time...maybe I just don't accept my own depression and therefore reject it in others? Has anyone experienced a similar situation?

I have almost the same situation. I've only had one boyfriend (my current one) and I feel exactly how you do when he's in a bad mood. It's almost as if he's not allowed to be in a depressed mood because it brings me down and he should do everything in his power to not bring me down but yet I'm constantly in a depressed mood and he doesn't get upset or selfish with me. He tries to cheer me up and make me laugh but when he's down I find it so difficult to think of a way to cheer him up. I didn't realize I was doing this until I read your post so I guess I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to how I was treating the only person that seems to care about my well-being.

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So I'm not exactly sure how this forum thing works because I've never been brave enough to post on one but I've come to my breaking point so here it goes. A little over a year ago my older sister introduced me to this guy that was her boyfriend's friend. We started talking on the phone and I started to really like him so when he asked if I would be in a relationship with that New Year's Eve (only about a month after we'd started talking) I of course said yes. Well for the first five or six months everything was perfect. He was attentive, we were always together, and he had a good paying job. But everything went from perfect to absolutely horrible when he quit his job. His mom has a history of mental illness and she called him away from work because she needed him to take her to the hospital. It wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't already taken off a couple days to help his dad out on their farm and didn't have anymore time he could take off. So his boss pretty much told him that he couldn't be a reliable worker with his mom in the condition she was and he pretty much was told he should leave his job. Ever since then (this was back in June of 2013) he has been in and out of work constantly because a) the stress of new employment is extremely hard for him to deal with and b) because his mother constantly needs his help to take her to doctors appointments and other things. So since he lost his job back in June he has had three jobs and has attempted to go back to school to get another degree but that crashed and burned shortly after the first week of classes.

So on top of all that stress that his mom brings to his life he thinks of himself as a failure because he can't seem to find good employment and be able to keep it. It also doesn't help that his mom is pretty much dependent on him for almost everything and she manipulates him into doing everything for her even though she is perfectly able to do so many things on her own she just doesn't believe she can. So not only is there that side of things, but my whole family seems to all of a sudden think I should dump him and rid myself of all his issues. I think what really sent me over the edge was when my sister (the one that introduced us) told me that he's a loser and she practically begged me to break up with him. Keep in mind this was all while she was drunk and we were all celebrating my other sister's wedding that's coming up shortly. So she made a scene and physically grabbed me and tried to talk to me even though I'd told her I didn't want to hear anymore of her trash talk about my boyfriend. It came to the point where if my mom hadn't physically come in between us she probably would've tried to take a swing at me. So that whole event has pretty much sent me into a spiraling cycle of severe anger and depression for an unforeseeable amount of time but the worst is that I can't tell my boyfriend that my whole family pretty much wants me to dump him because they think he's dragging me down when in reality their attitude towards every decision I make is what's really causing my depression. I'm in college so they think it's their business to constantly tell me what to do and when to come home (even though they can apparently never drive the 45 minutes it takes to get to my school).

I've come to the point where I have lost interest in life and everything I used to find enjoyable. My boyfriend tries to cheer me up and sometimes he can manage to do so but as soon as he leaves and I have to face the crushing sadness of not having anyone around or having anyone physically there to hug me or tell me it will be okay I sink back into the desperation of not having anyone. Maybe I just have severe separation anxiety, who knows. I just know that if I don't get some kind of outlet for my sadness and emotions I may very well take drastic measures I would forget in the long run. I have recently started going to the counseling center on campus but I haven't been going long enough to see if it will actually help me.

So if this is the wrong place for me to have posted this I'm sorry and I apologize for taking up space on your forum, but if this is the right place and their is someone somewhere out there who feels they could be a friend to me and maybe can even relate to what I'm going through, a friend would be a great thing to have right now. Thank you.

Hiya,

Never apologise for posting anything on this forum. There's no right or wrong way to ask for help.

I identify with a lot of your struggles and worries. I have gone through a lot of these on my relationship myself. But do you know the amazing thing? You are going through all this while suffering from depression yourself. I'm amazed that people can do this, I find it hard enough to cope with a partner with depression, and I have never suffered from depression myself. You may not feel it right now but you are an amazingly strong person to have coped as well as you have for as long as you have.

Never worry about asking for someone to give advice, or just listen on here. There always seems to someone to lend a friendly ear.

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After 7 years my depression ruined the relationship I was in. I don't blame her for leaving at all. If I were her I wouldn't want to date me either. But I am happy that she is freed from the burden that I was in her life now. I guess there is always a silver lining.

Edited by TheBoyWithRedShoes

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i have had only 3 real relationships. i left all 3 guys.

2 were wonderful caring men, that i beleived were too good for me and deserved better, i hate being a burden to others because i cannot love straight. after i left the last one i gave him 5 thousand pound for him so i could feel better.

i find it hard to give guidance to my kids, although they are in their late teens, so i make up for it by giving them money

overall, i feel pretty useless as a mother, when i hear of other mums getting involved in the schools and communities i feel guilty for not having that much energy and motivation. i am hard on myself a lot because i work full time, and think i should give more.

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My marriage. My soon-to-be-ex filed for divorce yesterday. After almost 30 years officially, but in reality, 32 years.

Edited by JD4010

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After 30 yrs together wifey has decided that all is too far gone, even after couples therapy and 2-1/2 mos of a proposed 6 mos controlled in home therapeutic separation. ... I know that she tried to deal with my illness for 30 years, but after diagnosis, therapy and Wellbutrin, I am 100 per cent better now it is too, seeking little too late. .. she wants a divorce, selling the home and freedom from me. ... Broken hearted and overly anxious now. ..

I just joined the club myself. 30 years here too.

Too little, too late for me as well.

Edited by JD4010

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Wife left me after basically telling me any sane person would leave me. So uh, apparently im supposed to "work on myself." While she "works on herself," the interesting thing is that it is basically a way of telling me to go f myself. She would be divorcing me right now as we speak, im sure, if she didn't need the god damn green-card.

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Girlfriend left me after 14 years to think things over... this happened a few weeks back. Then I recieve an email from her the day after my birthday stating that she will be leaving me for good. My depression and anxiety have destroyed our relationship. So on top of needing a new job and trying to recover from a depressive episode, I am now alone.

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I haven't been in a relationship since developing bad depression and anxiety. Not even sure I want one either. It would probably just add stress that I couldn't deal with.

Pretty sure I'm destined to be alone forever. I don't know if I really care or not.

You know what's kinda interesting is that I've revised my position somewhat from what I posted above ^ almost a year ago.

I do actually care about this now. I certainly didn't then.

Weird how things can change in such a short period of time I think...

Edited by AloneGuy

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Im new to the forum and im coming from the opposite side to the spectrum so to speak.... And have joined to get a better incite of whats happening.

My boyfriend (now ex) is the one thats suffering with depression, hes 100% pushed me out and ended us.

We was only together a couple of months and sounds cliche but the relationship was perfect, it was fast but it was natural to us both. We met each others children, we had great family days out, We were partners in crime until he became very distant.

Its now been 2 weeks since we broke up, first trying to be his friend (whilst hurting badly) in the hope we could reconcile, i gave him the space he wanted and tried to be strong for him. In between we had the occasional text conversation, some were emotional where hes told me how much hes missed me, how much i mean to him etc.

But last Friday he told me it was time to move on because we want different things? Naturally im confused and questioning myself as to what i could have done to make it work, why wasnt i good enough etc.

I didnt reply to this text as i was too hurt and i didnt wanna add pressure on him at this hard time.. And we havent spoken since.

Does anyone suffering themselves have any sort of advice for me... Like, am i supposed to to really move on from him? Does he want me to leave him alone?

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^^^^From my own experience, I've pushed people away who I've dearly loved. My line of thinking when this happens is, "I just don't want to subject someone else to my problems". I also wonder if I am meant to be alone because of my "negative energy". Constantly. Over and over and over again.

My pending divorce (30+ years!) is a direct result of this.

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^^^^From my own experience, I've pushed people away who I've dearly loved. My line of thinking when this happens is, "I just don't want to subject someone else to my problems". I also wonder if I am meant to be alone because of my "negative energy". Constantly. Over and over and over again.

My pending divorce (30+ years!) is a direct result of this.

My own negative energy has done the same to my thoughts as well. Will I always be alone. Will I eventually find a way to free myself from depression and anxiety. I better, because I don't want to be alone. I need to change. My ex will be coming by sometime before this weekend to pick her things up, and I'm a wreck. I can't let her see me this way, so now my anxiety has kicked into high gear.

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^^^^Misery loves company? You and I are in the same boat. I'm desperately trying to find a place to live. The market for rentals is very tight here. And all of the lawyers & university-related residents in the area drive the price of that rent way up.

A refrigerator carton might be the way to go.

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After 30 yrs together wifey has decided that all is too far gone, even after couples therapy and 2-1/2 mos of a proposed 6 mos controlled in home therapeutic separation. ... I know that she tried to deal with my illness for 30 years, but after diagnosis, therapy and Wellbutrin, I am 100 per cent better now it is too, seeking little too late. .. she wants a divorce, selling the home and freedom from me. ... Broken hearted and overly anxious now. ..

I just joined the club myself. 30 years here too.

Too little, too late for me as well.

JD, Sorry that it's gone that way for you too.....I will tell you that after making the decision, things have been easier for me, as the spectre of a decision is now gone, so less anxiety abouty that aspect. I ahve actually been seeing a lady friend that I've know for 34 years, and it's been wonderful for me. The conversations are so much easier, we have fun with each other, and know that it's a transition relationship for each of us.... I wish you a similar positive come-back....keep the faith and always one foot in front of the other! CD

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While looking at an apartment yesterday, the dude asked me why I was moving. I answered, "the big D". He instantly got it and came back with, "well, just keep smiling".

The dude's obviously been there. :)

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My boyfriend and I are what I like to think is a good relationship, we talk frequently but he is sick of my negativity and I think he is tired of having to reassure me.

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I just joined the forum after being an infrequent lurker for about a year. My Girlfriend just ended our 2/half year relationship about a month ago. We've been living together for the second year and half. It hasn't all been fun and games. It started great and seemed so "right". Shared interests, acceptance and mutual understanding of our respective needs, similar tastes in healthy foods, music... all that. I accepted her depression and told her I am not perfect either, we could work together on it. We met at work, dated, shared many great experiences and times together. And then, after one year, decided to move in together. About that time, she was also transitioning from Buspirone to Effexor. About 3 months before she moved in with me she stopped seeing her therapist because she was getting busier at work and I made her so happy she didn't see the need for their meetings any longer (her words, not mine).

Around the time she moved in or shortly thereafter, her sex drive began to ebb. Sex was always infrequent, but she told me it became repulsive. We also seemed to have trouble talking about silly things. She could laugh, sure - but "easy conversation" became impossible. Every time she talked, it was about our pets, and that's it. No kidding. She began to say she couldn't feel a connection with me anymore. I began searching online for how to maintain a relationship with a depressed person and found forums like these with people who described my girl with uncanny accuracy. I tried, for this entire year. I suppressed my own desires for her, cuddled with no sex, watched her walk around naked without even thinking about me. I got home early most week nights to make her dinner, walk her dog, and have the laundry done and a candle lit by the time she got home. And yet, she made rude comments and was frustrated with me a lot.

I guess, really, I overanalyzed and tried way too hard.

I never cheated. I never fought with her. I cried in frustration so many times on the way to work even though I have never been depressed or medicated. I'm highly optimistic. And she's still leaving me. I think her meds killed her ability to connect. Can anyone relate? I still love her. I dream of holding her close and telling her everything will be ok. I do want the best for her - but I feel such a sense of loss...

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It's definitely been a roller coaster. My husband is being a lot more supportive now that I have been in therapy and on meds, and less assuming its all his fault. We definitely have had our share of broken moments though. Things seem to be ok right now, my current struggle is that if I'm having a hard time he will immediately suggest not taking my meds or not going to therapy. He hates the stigma of having a "crazy" wife....

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Tension between me and my partner. I don't know what to do. Part of me, the depressed side, wants to give up. The side that isn't depressed, my logical side, is telling me to keep on fighting.

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Definitely closer, my partner known’s me so well. First he knows that I’m a good person and understand that peoples with ADHD are very emotionally intense. I’m so lucky to have found such a great guy who love me so much and who’s always 100% with me in the roller coaster of my up and down emotions. When my emotions are negative he knows better than anyone else how to switch them back to positive. It took me 41 years to found him and after 12 years our relationship is better and stronger than ever.

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Depression, coupled with anxiety, led to my decision to abstain from romantic relationships for life. Not only do I think I could not be a good partner to someone, I also think I couldn't handle that sort of intimacy. People are supposed to remain at an acceptable distance, not get that close to me.

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I couldn't pick any of the buttons because I don't think depression has caused anything ultimately-I think the things leading to depression are the culprit, then depression sets in. My depression began as a small child and I have been around and around with it since then. Being neglected and abused caused the depression and being in therapy has helped me to understand how those things can cause me to experience things the way I do. Depression is sort of an unwelcome byproduct.

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It caused me to be where I am and ultimately hit rock bottom. My failings caused so many issues and all the time I would beat my self up over them and so the circle continued. Why couldn't I just let myself be happy and be loved? No I face the struggle to get back to carry on our life.

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What it's ultimately caused is that I, the depressed one, has gone from someone who was capable and strong to being walked all over, ignored unless it suits him and emotionally abused. I guess that's about as bottom line as it gets. Now add in children who adore him and its fun

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How I know what you are going through, I have been married to a depressed man for 30 years, it's a hard road. I can suggest NAMI they have a great class. But sometimes

I feel like depression is contagious. My husband is a good man a brilliant man, but I sadly Am the the target. I am the one expected to make him happy. If the kids have problems it's always my fault etc. I have been running my ass off trying to help him it never works, no matter how hard I try he still isn't happy. I am 50 and still young not sure how long I can stay with this. Think about your life you too deserve joy and happiness. So do your kids.

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