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What Has Depression Ultimately Caused In Your Relationship?

what has depression caused on your relationship? Part#2  

361 members have voted

  1. 1. What happened to your relationship when depression came along?

    • Depression has bring us together, our bond is stronger now that we've been through this
      32
    • We broke up, it was impossible to be in a relationship with someone, the depressed partner initiated the break up
      51
    • We broke up, the non-depressed partner initiated the break up
      61
    • Has been an hard time, we reunited only after depression got under control
      11
    • My depression didn't affect much the relationship with my partner
      7
    • I'm in the middle of it and I have no idea what to do !
      198


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I'm 43 and I've struggled with depression since I was about 17. I've been married for 14 years now. We have three children, two of whom are grown. Our middle child just went off to college in August. My husband is one of those extremely independent, in-charge, self-starter types. I don't think he has ever really truly understood how debilitating it is for me, and how much I struggle daily just to do basic chores and get to work. Our house is a mess all the time and always has been, and he thinks I'm happy with it that way. I can't handle my life, so I spend a lot of time reading and ignoring everyone. I try to talk to him about it, but he's not a very self-aware type of person, and has great difficulty putting himself in other people's place. He has thyroid & high blood pressure conditions, and his work is physically exhausting, so he's not much help around the house.

It's just me, it's always been just me. My nearest family is 3 hours away, and we are just barely able to scrape by and pay the bills and put food on the table...a 3 hour trip might as well be a 5 day vacation. I used to take Wellbutrin, but we can't afford the meds, so I took myself off of it. We're one of those families that makes too much money to qualify for help and not enough to pay all the bills. So I've taken a turn for the worse since my middle child went to college. Realizing that my chance to be a great mother to my children is gone has really turned me over bad. They were always my reason for hanging on, for getting up in the morning. Even though I tried my best I still failed them, and it's too late now. My youngest is 13. I can't seem to give up, so suicide isn't an issue, no matter how badly I feel and no matter how raked over my innards get I can't seem to just give up. Sometimes I wish I could, you know?

Note: Just reading over this before I send it, and I want to say that my hubby does his best every day even though it's literally ******* him. He struggles too and does his best not to share it with me because he's realized I'm not as strong as he is.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting

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I think part of my depression comes from my crappy marriage. And my crappy marriage stems in part from my depression. My wife and I have definitely drifted apart over the last two decades. I'm first to admit that I haven't made it easy, but she has done some bizarre, hair-raising things that caused me to lose any romantic feelings for her. It's a grim existence we are living now, but it might be better than both of us living alone. If nothing else, it's cheaper.

After twenty years of no love, I suddenly found myself with a huge crush on someone. She really liked me, too. This happened back in September. We really hit it off and shared a wonderful four weeks. No sex, but some great soul-baring. I unintentionally did something stupid and it ended suddenly, but it was great to be back in the sunshine, if only for a short while. I'd forgotten what passion felt like. Looks like I'm back in the gloom for good, but at least I have the memory of it.

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I'm 43 and I've struggled with depression since I was about 17. I've been married for 14 years now. We have three children, two of whom are grown. Our middle child just went off to college in August. My husband is one of those extremely independent, in-charge, self-starter types. I don't think he has ever really truly understood how debilitating it is for me, and how much I struggle daily just to do basic chores and get to work. Our house is a mess all the time and always has been, and he thinks I'm happy with it that way. I can't handle my life, so I spend a lot of time reading and ignoring everyone. I try to talk to him about it, but he's not a very self-aware type of person, and has great difficulty putting himself in other people's place. He has thyroid & high blood pressure conditions, and his work is physically exhausting, so he's not much help around the house.

It's just me, it's always been just me. My nearest family is 3 hours away, and we are just barely able to scrape by and pay the bills and put food on the table...a 3 hour trip might as well be a 5 day vacation. I used to take Wellbutrin, but we can't afford the meds, so I took myself off of it. We're one of those families that makes too much money to qualify for help and not enough to pay all the bills. So I've taken a turn for the worse since my middle child went to college. Realizing that my chance to be a great mother to my children is gone has really turned me over bad. They were always my reason for hanging on, for getting up in the morning. Even though I tried my best I still failed them, and it's too late now. My youngest is 13. I can't seem to give up, so suicide isn't an issue, no matter how badly I feel and no matter how raked over my innards get I can't seem to just give up. Sometimes I wish I could, you know?

Note: Just reading over this before I send it, and I want to say that my hubby does his best every day even though it's literally ******* him. He struggles too and does his best not to share it with me because he's realized I'm not as strong as he is.

"20" Stories like yours are unfortuantely all-too-common....I really feel for ya, and hope you can cut thru the depressive fog, and realise that you've been blessed: you have the LOVE of a good man, raised/am raising 3 great kids, are self-aware, and a roof over your head. In bleak times, it's very hard to see the good over the bad, but do try to stem the BAD thoughts, learn to use bio-feeback techniques for personal peace, possibly see if a local college/university has a psych dept that has either professors or students who have to work in the therapy field for either continuing ed credits, or to get credits towards graduation....also, some therapist groups do Pro-Bono (free or discounted services as well.

As far as Wellbutrin, I'd see your primary care phys and share that your negative thoughts of "ending it all" are creeping-in and that you are not financially able to buy on the market...he/she may be able to offer pharmaceutical rep. samples to you on a monthly basis to see you thru your crisis ("Nothing ventured, nothing gained").

Ma'am, there are a lot of us out here who have and are struggling with our own demons...you are not alone...us us here in the forum for support, comraderie & a safe place for sharing & venting. i wish you nothing but the best in mental & personal health...Have a great Thanksgiving with your family! CD

Edited by BoneSpur

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I wish I had answers on what to do in my relationship. My partner is on disability and is depressed and I am depressed as well. They have a lot better control over their emotions and can work with it better while I am still figuring out how to work with mine. Most days I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed and I have to convince myself to get out of bed. I have tried medications and some of them didn't change my depression, or some gave me extreme paranoia. My partner had experience with this and they are helping me to get mine under control, but I still wish I had more help. I will say I am so very glad that I have someone that I can talk to anything about, even having dark thoughts, but I still have lots of trouble battling my depression.

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I find that depression and a relationship certainly aren't a good combination, in my case anyway. Amongst other stressful things, a failed attempt to a relationship definitely contributed to me being depressed a few times. I never really let my depression show so I doubt anyone knew anyway, and as such it didn't directly do much, its just the way you feel constantly, no matter if you try and hide it.

In my case it was basically this: I loved her, I thought she loved me. I kept this in my mind and continued but never had the courage to tell her my feelings and it dragged on WAY too long. By the time I told her and let it all out, I found out she didn't love me but I clung onto the thought that there could be a chance, and slowly it began to put me down. It still does and I cant help but think about it when I see her, but I don't feel so bad no more.

Edited by Ben5436

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I'm 19 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he was my first boyfriend. I constantly argue with him, over nothing, sometimes I find it fun (I dont think fun is the right word, but I didnt know what else to put) he doesn't really make a conversation, so arguing is the only time he says something.

I would say I've been depressed around two years, however I have not been diagnosed. Although I have been to the doctor for social anxiety, he asked me if I feel suicidal and I lied and said no.

In the past ive mentioned to my boyfriend I am depressed and he basically told me to get over it because there are people worse off, I do agree with him, thats what makes me even worse that theres people in this world, with nothing. I feel like a waste of space, I'm ungrateful of what I have.

The past year I have gotten worse, no one I'm my family knows, only my boyfriend and my friend that I feel depressed. One day I'm happy and looking forward to the future, the same day I Think about what if I got run over, or stabbed in the street, how it would all just end for me. But I know I cant leave my family.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend I was bored of life, bored of the relationship, he told me to "change" thats it. I said if I could change I would, he has no understanding. I don't like sex, although I do it to make him happy.

I get a job, then leave after one day due to my anxiety. My life is waking up, eating, watching a film/tv and going to bed. My boyfriend works and tells me to get a job, when I tell him about my anxiety he tells me to stop being silly.

My boyfriend is Indian, he has been bought up to think about his career and money (not saying all Asians are like this, dont get me wrong) but he has. His dad is going through a divorce, I see him as boring and Moody, his wife cheated on him and left, sometimes I feel like doing this to my boyfriend, but I dont because my mom got cheated on and my dad left with his girlfriend(now wife).

So what I have is a boring life with a boyfriend who tells me to grow up and get a job, hes not as bad as im making out he is a nice person, hes confident, he gets on with my family, hes just a normal boy with a depressed/moody/angry girlfriend.

Sometimes I feel like running away, and being free from everything.

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Until recently I thought my relationship was good. we have been together for 8 years and all I can remember is happiness and an ease of being together. In the last few months I have been arranging for and purchased an engagement ring. That is when my depression started (or became noticeable) with me having anxiety and ruminating thoughts about how bad our relationship is, and me questioning my love and whether she is the one etc. When I am feeling ok I see our relationship and think what is the problem??? But when I am feeling depressed and anxious it is all I can think of. She loves me soo much, and I thought I loved her too, but now I do not know what to think. I want my life and feelings to go back to the way they were before.

I wish I would have got in touch with these emotions earlier on or had this depression at a different time in my life, and dealt with it than, and not when I am about to have a ring to give to my girlfriend. I am waiting to see a psychologist in a week for the first time to help decipher my negative thoughts and hopefully find a treatment for depression if I have it. I have told my girlfriend most of my feelings, and she said she will wait for as long as it takes to get better, and is not worried about our relationship (so she says), she thinks it is just my fears and new depression taking hold of my brain because of this stressful time (pending engagement and stressful work, Christmas etc)

I don't know what to think of my negative feelings, but I hope that they are just a product of my depression and anxiety because I do not want to break her heart and I know I love her and as of a short while ago I wanted to marry and have kids with her. I want my life to go back to the way it was a few months ago......

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Sometimes I feel like running away, and being free from everything.

Ha. I'm 54 and I get that same feeling. Pretty much daily.

Both my dad and his dad "upped and left" at some point in their marriages. I was 8 when my dad took off. Still kept in touch with him though. In reality, he was a good guy. Very kind and helpful. But marriage and raising kids just wasn't his thing.

My daughter is now a freshman in college. So I've made it this far. I try to stay engaged with "family stuff" but it's a huge struggle for me on a daily basis. That, and a stressful job make me often very withdrawn.

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So sorry for all the struggles you all have shared. My depression is actually caused by my husband and my health issues. My husband makes everything worse, is very negative and does not understand the importance of communication. However, I think that he is depressed as well and that has cause our relationship to dwindle. 34 years is a long time to be married. Regardless of what is going on, I am still trying to fix it, but it is hard doing it alone. Anyway, I am rambling, great poll thanks for sharing.

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I think my marraige failed because of my depression. I was very upfront with him about my issues and he stood by me..in the end I couldn't put him through it any longer..he wasen't happy so we werent happy and I did what was best for him becauase I don't know what to do to better myself.

Since then I have dated and was pretty serious with a guy that I care deeply for. Again, my overthinking a depressive nature pushed him away. I pleded and begged him to stay with me and now he's left me. I know in my mind I deserved it, I did it..I messed it up, but my heart weeps everyday for what I've done to hurt him. Even if I got help and figure myself out I think I've lost him forever.

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After 30 yrs together wifey has decided that all is too far gone, even after couples therapy and 2-1/2 mos of a proposed 6 mos controlled in home therapeutic separation. ... I know that she tried tho deal with my illness for 30 years, but after diagnosis, therapy and Wellbutrin, I am 100 per cent better now it is too, seeking little too late. .. she wants a divorce, selling the home and freedom from me. ... Broken hearted and overly anxious now. ..

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After 30 yrs together wifey has decided that all is too far gone, even after couples therapy and 2-1/2 mos of a proposed 6 mos controlled in home therapeutic separation. ... I know that she tried to deal with my illness for 30 years, but after diagnosis, therapy and Wellbutrin, I am 100 per cent better now it is too, seeking little too late. .. she wants a divorce, selling the home and freedom from me. ... Broken hearted and overly anxious now. ..

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Until recently I thought my relationship was good. we have been together for 8 years and all I can remember is happiness and an ease of being together. In the last few months I have been arranging for and purchased an engagement ring. That is when my depression started (or became noticeable) with me having anxiety and ruminating thoughts about how bad our relationship is, and me questioning my love and whether she is the one etc. When I am feeling ok I see our relationship and think what is the problem??? But when I am feeling depressed and anxious it is all I can think of. She loves me soo much, and I thought I loved her too, but now I do not know what to think. I want my life and feelings to go back to the way they were before.

I wish I would have got in touch with these emotions earlier on or had this depression at a different time in my life, and dealt with it than, and not when I am about to have a ring to give to my girlfriend. I am waiting to see a psychologist in a week for the first time to help decipher my negative thoughts and hopefully find a treatment for depression if I have it. I have told my girlfriend most of my feelings, and she said she will wait for as long as it takes to get better, and is not worried about our relationship (so she says), she thinks it is just my fears and new depression taking hold of my brain because of this stressful time (pending engagement and stressful work, Christmas etc)

I don't know what to think of my negative feelings, but I hope that they are just a product of my depression and anxiety because I do not want to break her heart and I know I love her and as of a short while ago I wanted to marry and have kids with her. I want my life to go back to the way it was a few months ago.....i

I would like to relate to you my experience maybe it will give you some perspective. First, you are so smart to see a therapist to give you proper perspective. I wish I had done this. Depression totally distorts your perspective. It will absolutely convince you what you are thinking and feeling is true. Its not. Afterall, the goal of depression is to drive you into isolation. Also, there is no such thing as "the one." Love her for how she treats you and for what kind of person she is. When you are depressed your mind distorts things all to the negative. When I get in a relationship I focus on piddly little things and magnify them into huge, deal breaking negatives, and completely disregard all the positives. I only wish I had proposed to my ex. To my lasting regret, I didn't do this. It was only after I broke her heart that I realized what I lost and by that time it was too late because I broke the trust. Just be clear and open to her about your depression and what it can bring to a relationship.

Edited by ramkuma

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I'm in the middle of it and have no idea what to do! I know I love my wife, but my depression and anxiety is telling me to divorce. But I know deep, deep down this is the wrong thing to do. But because of the anxiety, my body is in fight or flight mode and wants to get rid of her.

But I am fighting all I can for her! I love her so damn much, and my brain lying to me over it has been driving me insane!

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I'm in the middle of it and have no idea what to do! I know I love my wife, but my depression and anxiety is telling me to divorce. But I know deep, deep down this is the wrong thing to do. But because of the anxiety, my body is in fight or flight mode and wants to get rid of her.

But I am fighting all I can for her! I love her so damn much, and my brain lying to me over it has been driving me insane!

I feel for ya! Going through a similar situation! I'm engaged to get married to my partner of 1.5 years, I know I love her and know she knows me, but the past few weeks have been so trying on us, and I don't quite know how to communicate it all to her. Lately more and more I've been telling myself breaking it all off and breaking up might be better, but that scares me to think that! I don't want to just give up something meaningful when it becomes hard, but man it is hard sometimes. Considering couples therapy.

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I am fortunate that my wife has not left me. He went through her father's suicide when she was in high school. We were only married less than 3 years when I cam down with Anxiety/Panic and Depression. We have separated once, and talked divorce a number of times recently. It's not the depression relapses that are so bad I think, it's how the meds make me, the sexual side effects, being short with her, the lack of desire like when we were first married.

I would understand if she wanted to leave tomorrow. I am thankful that she is still here today, and am blessed everyday she sticks by my side.

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I am in the middle of it. Although there are other situations at play in what I am going through, I think the depression clouds my ability to think and see things straight.

I react to things differently, more emotionally charged, more mood swings, more ups and downs. More doubt, more uneasiness.

So hopefully the meds and therapy help.

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Its confusing, I dont know what I would be on the poll..but my (2nd) ex was depressed alot...and at the time I was being admitted back in a ward...for a couple of days...so I dont know..but I broke up with him...I dont really remember why...maybe because he always made me feel bad for him...and I didnt do anything to him...I dont know..but bless his soul

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My depression has made me unattractive and intimidating to my partner of 4.5 years. I had an episode in February after I took an inadvertent break from Prozac, it resulted in me cutting myself (very superficially, it is something I have done since adolescence on only a few occasions when things got to be too much) and then pouring my heart out to him for hours on the couch. He was NOT prepared for that. No intimacy or closeness since, and I am thinking about ending the relationship. He said that my depression was scary to him, he made it clear it was an obstacle that he was not sure how to surmount. I can tell he has really withdrawn, we barely talk or touch. I think his reaction has made him unattractive to me too. I feel much better after getting back on Prozac, and I think i deserve better than this.

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I was with a girl for 3 years. We tatted dating when we were 15. I came from a home of 2 alcoholic parents and was angry a lot. I never saw myself as depressed until it was to late. I was yelling at her, screaming atbher, getting mad for no reason.sometimes to the point she would cry. I shut down my social life and stayed inside my room. It was the only place I felt safe. No one there could judge me. She would want to go do things and if I did them I wasn't to thrilled. After about 3 years I finally seek help. I started my meditation celexa on November 7th 2013. I was feeling better to just get dumped November 30th. I was to late. Now I hate myself and her.. I hate that she couldn't give me a chance to show her the new me. I hate myself for doing what I did. Depression caused me my relationship.

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Well I have had a couple relationships that didn't work because of depression and other mental illnesses. But my current husband is actually a trained psychologist, so it has its perks and its down falls as well. But if your partner understand whats going on, it makes it a lot easier to deal with! There is a website that I happen to like, which I read every once in a while to make sure I am conscious of what I do. Thought you guys might like to see it.

http://www.mentalfeel.com/how-to-fix-a-relationship-and-enjoy-a-great-love-life-once-again/

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So I'm not exactly sure how this forum thing works because I've never been brave enough to post on one but I've come to my breaking point so here it goes. A little over a year ago my older sister introduced me to this guy that was her boyfriend's friend. We started talking on the phone and I started to really like him so when he asked if I would be in a relationship with that New Year's Eve (only about a month after we'd started talking) I of course said yes. Well for the first five or six months everything was perfect. He was attentive, we were always together, and he had a good paying job. But everything went from perfect to absolutely horrible when he quit his job. His mom has a history of mental illness and she called him away from work because she needed him to take her to the hospital. It wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't already taken off a couple days to help his dad out on their farm and didn't have anymore time he could take off. So his boss pretty much told him that he couldn't be a reliable worker with his mom in the condition she was and he pretty much was told he should leave his job. Ever since then (this was back in June of 2013) he has been in and out of work constantly because a) the stress of new employment is extremely hard for him to deal with and b) because his mother constantly needs his help to take her to doctors appointments and other things. So since he lost his job back in June he has had three jobs and has attempted to go back to school to get another degree but that crashed and burned shortly after the first week of classes.

So on top of all that stress that his mom brings to his life he thinks of himself as a failure because he can't seem to find good employment and be able to keep it. It also doesn't help that his mom is pretty much dependent on him for almost everything and she manipulates him into doing everything for her even though she is perfectly able to do so many things on her own she just doesn't believe she can. So not only is there that side of things, but my whole family seems to all of a sudden think I should dump him and rid myself of all his issues. I think what really sent me over the edge was when my sister (the one that introduced us) told me that he's a loser and she practically begged me to break up with him. Keep in mind this was all while she was drunk and we were all celebrating my other sister's wedding that's coming up shortly. So she made a scene and physically grabbed me and tried to talk to me even though I'd told her I didn't want to hear anymore of her trash talk about my boyfriend. It came to the point where if my mom hadn't physically come in between us she probably would've tried to take a swing at me. So that whole event has pretty much sent me into a spiraling cycle of severe anger and depression for an unforeseeable amount of time but the worst is that I can't tell my boyfriend that my whole family pretty much wants me to dump him because they think he's dragging me down when in reality their attitude towards every decision I make is what's really causing my depression. I'm in college so they think it's their business to constantly tell me what to do and when to come home (even though they can apparently never drive the 45 minutes it takes to get to my school).

I've come to the point where I have lost interest in life and everything I used to find enjoyable. My boyfriend tries to cheer me up and sometimes he can manage to do so but as soon as he leaves and I have to face the crushing sadness of not having anyone around or having anyone physically there to hug me or tell me it will be okay I sink back into the desperation of not having anyone. Maybe I just have severe separation anxiety, who knows. I just know that if I don't get some kind of outlet for my sadness and emotions I may very well take drastic measures I would forget in the long run. I have recently started going to the counseling center on campus but I haven't been going long enough to see if it will actually help me.

So if this is the wrong place for me to have posted this I'm sorry and I apologize for taking up space on your forum, but if this is the right place and their is someone somewhere out there who feels they could be a friend to me and maybe can even relate to what I'm going through, a friend would be a great thing to have right now. Thank you.

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