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What Has Depression Ultimately Caused In Your Relationship?

what has depression caused on your relationship? Part#2  

361 members have voted

  1. 1. What happened to your relationship when depression came along?

    • Depression has bring us together, our bond is stronger now that we've been through this
      32
    • We broke up, it was impossible to be in a relationship with someone, the depressed partner initiated the break up
      51
    • We broke up, the non-depressed partner initiated the break up
      61
    • Has been an hard time, we reunited only after depression got under control
      11
    • My depression didn't affect much the relationship with my partner
      7
    • I'm in the middle of it and I have no idea what to do !
      198


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NamelessAria,

It may just take time, maturity and hitting impasses in your relationship that will ultimately make him realize that NO relationship is perfect. That would require human perfection and that's not going to happen, so suffice it to say that he will have to continue to learn from what you've told him and what you both go through even when upset. I'm sure it's frustrating, and honestly his joking around and maligning Drs is just denial that he too has a problem that needs to be resolved. However, he has to make that decision on his own, as you well.

I do wish you the best.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouse

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My relationship seems to help my depression but sometimes it tends to add to it. My boyfriend is a very strong willed person, and one of the bravest people I know. Right now he works security in our local hospital, and I wouldn't wish that job on anyone. He's always in the mindset of, "Just tough it out." He will tough out a lot of things I don't think I could ever handle. Especially his job, and the lack of sleep he gets from his daily life. (Midnights, then school, then trying to keep up with a social life. YIKES.) The way he understands the world and his own wills and emotions are very different than mine, and many times it makes it hard for him to fully understand why I am unable to be as strong as any other person could be. He just doesn't get it. One of the harder parts of his personality is his views on medication. He refuses to take any of it himself, even pain killers. There was one point in his life where he ended up with an extremely bad ear infection because he didn't think he needed anti-biotics. (Thankfully this event has made him realize that there are some things his body can't fight off on it's own.) I was on anti-depressants once, but because he has such a strong view on how he doesn't believe people should stay on anti-depressants, I quit them without contacting my doctor. (That was almost half a year ago.) He can be fairly stubborn in his own ways and his own beliefs.

But, he supports me. He does his best to make sure that I feel comfortable around him, that I understand that he doesn't judge me and that he cares for me. He tries to make sure to communicate to me when he sees that I need a better understanding of how he thinks and functions. Like the medication example. He understands and accepts that there are people out there who really, really need to be on medication. His father was an example, being diabetic. So he understands that if I, and my doctor, think I need the anti-depressants, then I should be on them. That I should, "Not care what I think, just do what you think is best for yourself."

He does so much for me that it's unbelievable. He is one of the reasons why I have finally decided to come out to the world that I have problems. He is one of the reasons why I can say that I am stronger than I was before. Unfortunately, because he is so important to me, I hold what he says to me in very high regaurd. If I misunderstand him or his intentions, it can cause problems.

At the moment I feel like he may not be able to handle taking care of me for the rest of his life. It feels like he may be waiting for me to get better. We are gradually getting better at communication, and I am gradually getting better at trusting him, but I don't know if he has ever considered the fact that I may be like this for my entire life.

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It is screwing up a lot of my relationships: romantic, children, freinds. I try not to let it, but sometimes it seems a bit out of my control.

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It has taken a few years, but my wife understands a little of how my depression stuff is. We talk about it now. I tell her when I am having a bad day.

Depression has cost us both in our lives. She used to be angry about it. And I dont blame her. I could not get things done because I was so down.

Now we work together on projects. On my down days she takes the leadership role and helps me to get things done.

-jmg

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Most of my past boyfriend's never really understood it or what to do. I talked to them, hoping it would bring us together and I trusted them, but later on they used whatever I told them against me. Now I find it very hard trying to be open to most people cause my depression and disorder has been used against me.

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Most of my past boyfriend's never really understood it or what to do. I talked to them, hoping it would bring us together and I trusted them, but later on they used whatever I told them against me. Now I find it very hard trying to be open to most people cause my depression and disorder has been used against me.

Yeah, I actually don't tell anyone except a very very few people. I generally just allude to it jokingly about me being "paranoid", which most of my friends can laugh at with me, and at least I can kind of get across what I'm feeling and healthily acknowledge it's just my brain being dumb.

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I jump from relationship to relationship, each one failing similarly to the last. Sometimes they're short, others a few years. But I always end up becoming distant or cold and wanting more. This is my quest to become happy, because I can't find happiness in myself.

I'm in the middle of a relationship, and I don't know what to do. Some days are better than others; I can smile and laugh, but it doesn't take long for me to question if its genuine. I know he has true love for me, deep and unconditional, but I don't know what my feelings are. I think there's a huge difference between loving someone and being in love. The problem is that I don't know if I'm capable of getting to the latter. I don't know if I have it in me, and that scares me.

Edited by RottenOlive

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Been married 22 years and

my sad spells have taken a toll on my marriage.

I don't think my wife can take it anymore

(i can understand her feeling that way;

I myself don't want to take it anymore.)

I think it wouldn't matter to her if i just disappeared.

Not that she wants that; no.

But it's such a bad trip for her now,

and my death would be a bad trip,

so: half a dozen of one, six of the other.

Your post broke my heart. You "disappearing" would NOT make it better for anybody. You have to belive that. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you.

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I haven't been in a relationship since developing bad depression and anxiety. Not even sure I want one either. It would probably just add stress that I couldn't deal with.

Pretty sure I'm destined to be alone forever. I don't know if I really care or not.

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My boyfriend and I are taking a break because my moods are getting so bad. Once I get in one it's nearly impossible to get out of, and the stress was getting to him. He told me he needed space to be with his friends and I don't blame him. :tear2: I need help.

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Eight years ago my depression cost me my first marriage. I didn't realize it at the time though..I had been married just shy of 15 yrs. A few years before one of my parents died after a 2 yr battle w/cancer..I see now the way I handled (didn't handle) that significant event led me down a path that ended with my filing for divorce. It was literally 8 yrs ago today the divorce was final.

I can tell you had I known then what I know now, about death/dying/depression..I would've handled things differently. In all honesty, my life is not much better divorced, in some ways it's worse, I miss my ex - right or wrong. I did remarry a few years later. My ex remarried much sooner because he had sought out a coworker for comfort..I could be angry about his affair, I was shocked certainly and hurt, but truth be told, I can't really blame him given how I was then. We had no children and now live in different states..there is no contact but I wish there was at times - at least a friendship from what was the ruins of the marriage.. but the fallout from the divorce was much like a death..people I truly never thought I would ever be w/o in life I have not seen or spoken to in close to a decade. The scars from that time remain and remain tender and that all plays a part in my ongoing struggles today. For some, divorce may be the freedom ticket, the ride out of Hell..for me, I see now, I was viewing my former marriage through screwed up thoughts - had convinced myself that so much was my spouses fault..when in fact, it was both of ours so for me, it was ticket to simply a different side of the same damn coin.

Remarried now to someone that I like but do not love. It's companionship and at times I realize this decision - to remarry - was also born out of depression/anxiety/loneliness - not excitement or love. Not a good combo in which to base a major life decision on but I did. I have thought about ending this marriage but why should my current spouse suffer the pain of a divorce for no reason other than I made a mistake? I'm too old, too tired, too well versed in what mental illness can do to a person to go through all of it again.

Leaving this marriage would not make me any happier/less depressed than when I did so w/my first and in fact. would leave me more lonely and more isolated than ever before.

Then there is the career..the lost career, the lost opportunities, the job hopping, the excuses and blame on why a job didn't work out or I didn't accept and offer..bottom line, there were days I was too tired, too anxious or just didn't care to get up and go, or stay or leave. So, I'm once again struggling w/the job issue. Once. Again.

Even for me the losses from this hideous disease are piling up and weighing me down more than ever. My resolve is weakening, my give a [email protected]#$ is broken..I now, more than ever, I cannot do "this" - life - alone. I have tired meds without success. I suppose I will have to try another unless I want to continue to lose more of myself, what little is left, to this beast of burden. So..this story above is that depression has ultimately cost me in my personal and professional relationships. The cost..is too [email protected]#$ing high.

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An indication that my paranoia is more vibrant than ever is something I did and thought today. My obsession and depression revolves largely around my wife, who gives me no reason to doubt her love, but I find reasons in my own mind. I was going for a walk by my work today, and passed a house with the same make and colour van with roof racks and a family sticker on the back. After I passed it, it occured to me that this couldn't be coincidence. After 10 minutes of walking, wondering if my wife is cheating on me, I turned around and went back to look at the van. If course it was missing some key elements to have been our van. I feel like an ***** but possibly vindicated for checking it out anyways, to know it really is all in my head.

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Depression has killed my sex life with my husband, but for some reason we remain close. I try to hide most days when I feel very low but sometimes I just lose it call him at work and tell him that I can't take it anymore. He talks me down from the "ledge" and reminds me what I am fighting for. Him and My children.. I often think of what Paul said in the bible.. To live is Christ and to die is GAIN.. I def think dying would be Gain, but my poor children and husband would be lost. I couldn't do that to them.. So here I sit in this miserable existence hoping one day it will all just go away and I can have my life back.

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I haven't seen any discussion about depression and commitment phobia. I am in my 40s. I have not been able to retain a relationship for very long. Typically after about 2 months I lose interest and come up with very lame reasons why it won't work out, ignoring all the positive things, namely care, kindness, and affection. After 8 months I recently broke up with a gorgeous, kind, generous, and loving woman. She really had to push me into meeting my parents. I was very relucant to and I couldn't explain why. Of course she took this as I was not proud of her which was not the case at all. And when people would ask me about her I would say it was nothing serious. I felt a compulsion to break up with her even after she told me she loved me. After about 6 months all I could think about was wanting to be home alone reading a book; now, after breaking it off, I am devastated and think I missed out on the woman I want to marry; and I can't even spend time alone, or read, because I am paralyzed and sick with a depressive funk, realizing I likely missed out on my life partner. It is a real paradox. It requires me to get on the meds to get out of it. I realize it is either the the insidious nature of depression to seduce you into isolating yourself, or commitment phobia. Or maybe they go hand in hand? Part of my problem may be that I don't share depression with a woman I date out of fear they will not want to be with me. Maybe if tell them early on rather that after the breakup it will allow me to get closer to them because I won't have the subconsious telling me they will reject me if they find out about the depression. Also, when I get healthy, and enter a new realtionship, I think the depression is no longer an issue and I don't need to bring it up. (Although I think that by virtue of spending a lot of time alone and reading dark topics and being drive to sabotaging a realationship are indications that even though I do not feel depressed the depression thing is always there.) It is all very confusing. It is the breaking up with the partner that triggers my depressive episodes that bring me to hopelessness (this has happened three times now). You would think that the horrible pain and hopelessness of a depressive funk which is the result of breaking up a relationship would keep me from breaking up with people! You would think I would learn the lessons that I tell myself after each break up. It makes no sense. Some of the lessons I learned are take it slow, tell them about your depression early, take a deep breath and back off when you feel a compulsion to sabotage the relationship.

Edited by ramkuma

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Depression destroyed my previous relationship and is on course to destroy my current one if things keep going the way they are. My previous partner and I broke up a little over a year ago, we have 2 lovely children together that mean the world to me. When we broke up I ended up very suicidal and spent two months in a psych ward. After that I spent 3 months in a homeless hostel and finally worked my way out of it and started sharing a house with someone. Things really were looking up for me.

A couple months ago I met a wonderful girl which took me as a complete surprise as I was not looking for her and was happy just being me for the first time in a long time. As we got closer I started feeling very down when I wasn't with her. She had become such an important part of my life and we hit it off so well I was starting to contemplate a future with her.

When I wasn't with her I started to think negatively and a couple times I would tell her she was better off without me and I started spiralling downwards to the point where one day I just stopped going to work and she talked me into moving in with her.

Since then things have been tumultuous to say the least. I feel like I am just a burden on everyone and she gets to the point that she says she can't stand the negativity. Which I can totally understand. I just want her to be happy and I feel like she is better off without me. I love her so much though that I don't know what to do

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Depression has killed my sex life with my husband, but for some reason we remain close. I try to hide most days when I feel very low but sometimes I just lose it call him at work and tell him that I can't take it anymore. He talks me down from the "ledge" and reminds me what I am fighting for. Him and My children.. I often think of what Paul said in the bible.. To live is Christ and to die is GAIN.. I def think dying would be Gain, but my poor children and husband would be lost. I couldn't do that to them.. So here I sit in this miserable existence hoping one day it will all just go away and I can have my life back.

KrissyB, I am so sorry for your daily pain. I know how Depression makes you feel unworthy of your spouse's love...AND the thoughts of "ending it all" too. It's so great that your hubby is staying in your corner, fighting for you...you are one lucky gal. I (through my 40+ yrs of undiagnosed Dysthymia) have emotionally damaged my wife of 30 yrs, to the degree that now I have: been diagnosed, began therapy, went on Wellbutrin & have emerged from the Depression fog.....she loves me, but is no longer IN love with me. She wants a seperation (to find where her head is & how she feels about either divorcing, or re-uniting). I hope that you are in the care of a good therapist & using the appropriate AD meds.....Remember that your hubby loves you and wants you to get well, and you children love & need you to work towards just that. My heart goes out to you & am sending goo vibes your way- CD

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Dwoods...GET HELP NOW!! You need to get into counselling & a correct regimine of AD meds. If you do not get to the root cause of your spiriling-in, you will only continue the cycle over & over again. Therapy will do wonders for you & the meds will enable you to get stabilized....If you truly love this girl, you've got to let her know of your struggles & what you plan on doing to get it under control. Good luck sir, I wish you the best - CD

Edited by BoneSpur

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I would vote for the first and last option.

It's really hard to know how to help each other when we both struggle.. We both wish we could do more..

But she and I both just feel so lost. Lost in our own lives.

We understand each other better than many others, since we've both struggled for a long time, but at the same time, when things are bad, neither of us knows what to do, and often just feel ... out of control..

scared. tired...

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Updated: I left my abusive boyfriend who I was afraid to leave, I stayed with him for 3 and a half years on and off repeatdly. Now I feel very stuck and confused about what to do with my life. I'm currently unemployed cause I lost my job thanks to him and lost pretty much most of all my friends. I'm in a bad spot right now in my life and I'm trying to contact people explaining what happened. A few of them have started talking to me again, but others still remain upset at me and won't talk to me as of right now....

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The election doesn't have the right answer to the the question for me :) I voted for the first choice, relationship is better. I still consider myself as a mental health patient under treatment for depression and anxiety. I would also say that I am still in the middle of treatment.....

Is there ever an end to treatment for long term depression? It doesn't look like it for me. Personally, I would be scared to death if I was told to stop taking my AD meds. My security blanket I guess, it seems to be still working.

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I'm in the middle of it and don't know what to do.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 22 years. I had a brief episode of depression in my twenties related to 6 miscarriages. It was only when we finally had a baby I came out of it.

Now I am in a major depressive episode. I have been diagnosed with two autimmune diseases, psoriatic arthritis, PBC, Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It has had a massive impact on my life. After a 20 year career in nursing, I am now at home and disabled. I hate it!I do not want this for the rest of my life! I'm so confused about my future. I feel like such a burden on my family because of needing help and the piling medical bills. Also my oldest son is now a senior and will be going to college soon. That has me very upset. I will still have my 13 year old son for a few more years. I feel so insignificant. I used to help save lives but now I cannot even save myself.

My husband and boys have been supportive. I try so hard to cry when no one is looking. I just don't want them to know the truth on how bad I hurt. It also has affected my sex life. Or lack there of. My husband deserves better but I am in no state of mind. Wish I could just snap out of this.

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Sassy,

Life is indeed not fair. I am so sorry for your medical maladies, after being a care-giver for so long, the turn-about cannot be easy to handle. I hope your doctor(s) are on the case and exploring all options for abating the pain & disability. As I'm sure you've always shared with your patients, youi can never give-in to the disease....advances are made daily, and I hope your conditions can be managed well. As a parent myself, it is really hard to have a chick leave the nest, but in all reality, that is our role...to nurture & prepare them for this exact event...going out into the real word & being able to make correct decisions & forge their own way in life. Nothing will make you more proud than seeing him flourish on his own....so while saddening, you'll def feel rewarded. Your hubby sounds like a great guy, so don't start the Pity Party for yourself...he can continue to be strong for you & feel fulfilled and important, only if you forge-on in a strong fight for yourself. I wish nothing but the best in health/wellness for you & hope you use this site as a place for support, venting & conmraderie - CD

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