What Has Depression Ultimately Caused In Your Relationship?

[bluegarden]

Hello, an upgrade to the poll started by Jfrombk in 2010

What depression ultimately caused in your relationship?

Edited July 29, 2012 by bluegarden

[jennilaura83]

Hi Bluegarden,

Great idea :) Depression while not something I'd wish on my worst enemy, has made my relationship stronger. My partner has been amazingly supportive and we've become a lot closer for talking through all that has happened.That said, a couple of my previous relationships ended due to undiagnosed episodes of depression so unfortunately it definitely depends on whether partners understand the condition.

[LilyRain]

There has been some silver linings in my depression. My husband and I are very close, I made sure he knew I had depression before we married, but he's supported me the whole time. Since we're so committed to each other, it's helped me communicate my issues so he can better help me, and to keep from hurting him with my depression I gained the courage to get treatment.

[ThompsonCherry]

I voted for the first option, although it was not always like that. At the beginning I didn't know how to expose my illness to my boyfriend because I was scared of what he would think of me and how he would react. But after a while, I found I couldn't hide it from him anymore even though I tried my best. Reason being because I started having panic attacks when I was around him, at night especially, and also because he found out I was taking medication.

I didn't want him to find out but I now understand it's not something you can or should hide from your partner. If they love you, they will have to understand or at least accept it. If they do not, then you shouldn't be with them in the first place... A relationship is based on trust and mutual understanding. So if you don't have those, you are either on a shallow one or bound to break up soon.

I was glad, I felt relieved when I exposed my problem to him. Granted, I didn't paint the whole picture but I gave him a few head points: that I was a depressive and had anxiety problems. I gradually started talking to him about it and now we do have open conversations regarding the subject without any issues. I do feel I can trust him with my problems because he himself has some of his own and he gets me. He struggles with depression (which I found might be even worse than mine) and has many other issues which we never addressed fully. He says he doesn't want to and I don't press the subject. I just try to be there for him and I get the same from him, which is great.

My mildest panic attacks were with him. He hugged me and taught me breathing exercises to ease them up. He accepted me without judgement and I respect him a lot for that. Any other guy could have just walked away but he stuck around. Maybe because he knows how it feels. I suppose that had a lot to do with it, but of course that alone wouldn't do. I now know that he cares deeply about me and that we do have a very strong bond, in part due to our sickness.

We've been going out for almost a year now and we have been getting closer and closer. I do know this could end any day but I don't think about it too much. I believe the key is to just let things roll as they are and enjoy it while it lasts :) Right now I am the happiest I've been in my life with him and I do owe him my general well-being for his support, care and love, which is more than I could ask.

[AndyJay]

Me and my girlfriend have just split up 2 days ago. I've been expecting it for a few weeks now so it either hasn't hit me yet or it's not actually emotionally affecting me as I've been expecting it - I've only had one or two quick cries.

I'm going to keep it short and explain it:

She was/is depressed badly with her family problems etc.

I went through tough things myself and I became depressed as she was going on holiday with her friends. This meant I found it hard to cope with my depression as I was also missing the person I relied upon the most. My depression got really bad.

She came back from holiday as a new happy person. But because I was depressed things quickly turned back to how they used to be.

She stopped talking to me, no matter how hard I tried she just didn't seem to want a convo with me. When I asked her why she just said she didn't want to talk to any body but I felt like it was just me she didn't want to talk to.

Now things have got worse & worse and she said she just wants to be friends..

Meh I just hate it when one minute your happy with the best relationship you could dream of then the next you don't have it any more. I saw a new picture of her today and I just miss her and the memories so much :/ she's one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen :/ and to think I've now lost it all for good.. Ahh :( even just typing this right now is choking me :/

[HangOnSloth]

Being with my partner DEFINITELY helped me get my anxiety and panic under control. He was a huge influence during those years. I had already begun the work with my therapist when we met, but having such a great support at home really allowed me to open up in therapy and do the hard work I needed to do to overcome chronic panic attacks. Now that I'm dealing more with depression, I find that to be harder on the relationship. Depression is kind of a black hole that sucks everything down. Like the Dementors from Harry Potter, right?! Sucking the joy out of things. However, I think that my approach to depression is what has drawn me closer to my partner. I realized that I couldn't look to him to be my everything: my lover, partner, best friend, social planner, parent, confessor, etc. It was way too much for one person and I needed to take a little more responsibility for getting more support outside the relationship. This was hard for me for many years because I don't really have any family. However, this recent bout of deep depression made me see the vital importance of connecting with others who share my experiences with mental health issues. Joining support groups, this forum, and reconnecting with friends 1-on-1 (rather than as a couple) has helped me deal with my issues without dragging my partner down with me. As a result we're better able to support each other. I helped him overcome his OCD issues and right now I'm helping him through some major family upheaval, despite my own depression. It all comes down to respect, I think. Respect for your partner and respect for yourself, and respecting what your relationship needs in order to thrive.

Interesting topic!

[Exelion]

Middle of the road.

Thanks to my depression and some of the things that have gone on I:

1. Am not treating my girlfriend as well as I should. Not being abusive just...distant. But I can't seem to close the gap.
   
2. Am still pining for someone else that I can't have.
   
3. Feel trapped and don't know what to do.
   

[Seabeach]

I wish there was a button for "depression has kept me from having a relationship" because that is my story completely. It pretty much makes me stay to myself.

[alt2872]

I am not sure where I fit in to this. I seem to have a problem picking the right person to be in a relationship with. They all start out good and then bam it ALWAYS turns out I have chosen to be with someone that wants complete control over my life. I am sure this has something to do with my mental illness, although I can't figure it out.

I am in a relationship now, we have been together for a year. He started out wonderful and then he doesn't want me to work, have friends, and so on. When we got together I had a great job and the company went out of business, so me not working was an easy issue for him. When I was weighing options for school he pushed online learning. I went for it as I really don't like going out of the house. I had a cell phone but agreed to discontinue service, we couldn't really afford it anyway. Now he gets mad at my mentioning the words going back to work (I have been looking) or I mention I want to turn my cell phone back on to assist with my job search. He doesn't like when my daughter comes to visit me. Basically he wants me home with no communication or connection to the outside world, which for the most part I am ok with that (it's a bit scary just how ok I am with it). I have a facebook page but I never post or message on it he would be so mad if I did. I thought about deleting it but i haven't.

It is always easy for them to cut contact off with my friends because I am just not that social. I wonder do I chose this type of person because the enable me to hibernate (not deal with reality and society)? All of my relationships have set me back and I know this but I continue on with the pattern. Any advice or opinions?

[ps9999]

When my son died two years ago, my husband expected me to grieve. I mean, come on, who doesn't. Two years later and I'm in the middle of the deepest depression he's seen (not that I've experienced mind you) and he's not sure how to handle it. I finally told him the other day that I was suicidal. He asked me if I've told my doctor about it because I told him I would and all he could say when I told him I did was if she was shocked. I'm really not sure where our relationship is headed. I think he thinks I should just be ok now and I can't. The depression seems to be getting worse and it scares me to death. I can't say I've lost relationships over depression, but there have been some that have been put on hold due to it. Can't seem to pull myself out and don't want others to know how bad it is. I just want to hide and not come out, but I can't. I've done that and lost everything. I can't afford to do that again. Anyway, I hope my husband can put up with me through the long haul, cause that's what it's feeling like - a long haul. I've been through it before and know what to expect - he doesn't. He tries to be supportive, but I sometimes take it that he's being condescending about it. I just hope my meds help me get better soon - that's all I ask!

[Sparklemama33]

Depression has ruined many relationships for me, boyfriend, family members and friends.

I'm currently suffering over the lost of a 10 yr long relationship, I do believe that depression played a big part in the end of that relationship. I am currently living somewhere that makes me unhappy and was not living with my boyfriend.In turn I just got even more depressed and was distant towards him, spaced out, barely leaving the house and finding it sooo hard to do basic day to day things. Then he started to feel like I needed to snap out of it as if it's that easy, I in some ways blamed him for my life being a mess although I know it wasn't all on him. A few days ago we were discussing our living situation since we had agreed that we were moving out of state together in the next few months. Well he tells me that he decided he no longer wants to move and I got a bit angry and he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship any longer. I know in my heart it's the best thing for us he has hurt me in many ways but I stayed with him because it was easier than being alone and depressed. I'm afraid I will never meet someone who will understand what I'm going through and would be able to love me for me. I'm on a path to discovery and to making life changes but depression has me feeling like I can't go on, I feel stuck and sometimes feel like giving up.

[bluegarden]

Made me aloof, self centered (focused on problems and negative stuff), accusing my partner that he was with me out of pity, avoiding conversations and avoid expressing emotions, and a total bully (i'm a female)..Said plenty of insults and things out of self anger and fear. But i'm not excusing this with depression, I don't really think depression makes you an emotional abuser, I was just very depressed when I acted like that

Edited September 16, 2012 by bluegarden

[Hope4theBest]

I married my husband right after my Dad died.

He and I are still friends, but divorced, I guess amicable in some ways, though not in financial issues.

Im not sure blaming any of it on depression is productive at this point (he had his own substance abuse issues since being a teenager, and still does).

I own my own feelings, I have to pull myself through it now, alone. Its hard, but I am in a better place, and done with the drama and blame game stuff.

[The Chainsaw]

I have been depressed since I turned 16 and haven't been in any significant relationships until 2 years ago. 2 years ago my father became estranged from me and my sisters and it seems as if his absence might have made me cling to a male presence that I wouldn't have otherwise. I feel like my boyfriend and I have some very deep similarities: I trust him, feel safe with him, we both are attracted to each other and we have a lot of fun together but, as my therapist pointed out, he is not my 'brother in the darkness'. I am not depression-elitist or anything but sometimes its hard trying to convey or deal with things that effect me existentially as oppose to just having a bad day precipitated by an actual event. I find myself trying to hide my depression from him and because of that I experience the most relationship difficulty when my boyfriend is down. I try SO HARD to be 'okay' and on those rare occasions when I am feeling authentically good and he acts moody it makes me upset...I know this is selfish. I broke up with my last boyfriend when he was acting down for a long period of time...maybe I just don't accept my own depression and therefore reject it in others? Has anyone experienced a similar situation?

[Jellyfish]

I went with the non-depressed partner ending the relationship, but for clarity I would say I think theres more at play in that than just my depression. Whether or not I'll ever be diagnosed, I have some definite borderline tendencies that made my relationship very tumultuous. Every time he left my world ended, and my reactions to his constant leaving was definitely more the issue than the depression. The depression, even when it is bad, is something that he could usually handle.

[AntiNorm]

Relationship of many years was fine. Then suddenly it seemed like her job had taken its toll on her, she snapped on me and my friends despite my trying to get her help and talking to her and then she started to take things out on me. Her best friend only served to fan the flames and add fuel to the fire (we saved her from an abusive relationship but she came out of it thinking all men were evil and idiots unless they were doing everything exactly for the benefit of the woman and not the relationship). That threw me into a spiral of depression because no matter what I did, it was either the wrong thing, or never enough. Every day I was made to feel or told that I was a bad partner, that I was always a terrible selfish person, and that I was always wrong and stupid. I woke up every day with panic attacks, sharp stomach pains, and other health issues (I even started getting cavities after 2 decades of cavity free life lol). I broke up with her, moved out, after I couldn't stand it anymore because I was getting to the point where I was wondering what would happen if I had died/disappeared/never been born. Ever since I've had a cloud over my head and as a consequence my work, and my health suffered. :( Need a button for "depressed partner broke up to save sanity". lol

[Pinga]

He told me that I couldn't love him until I learned to love myself.

[CarlyCarly56]

My now ex-boyfriend would shut me out totally when he was feeling depressed which left me wondering. When I wouldn't hear from him after 2 weeks or more I would start getting anxiety and feeling depressed. I thought to myself "if he really loved me, then talk to me"... But he didn't. This behavior just became worse and worse and I couldn't handle it anymore so we broke up.

Carly

[0pheliac]

my partner and i both have mental illness... we met on a psych unit years ago and have always been best friends... but he is doing far better than i am... and it causes conflict... he says he 'doesn't want mysery in his life'...i am insanely depressed all the time and he has a hard time dealing with my anxiety/agoraphobia issues.... he wants to make memories he says... but i make it impossible.... so why stay with me then? *sigh......

[meaggy]

i have had three relationships that have all had completely different dynamics with my depression:

one: sam and the high school blues

sam was my first real boyfriend. we began going out towards the beginning of my grade 12 year. it started off well, we broke up once in december before christmas, again in january and got back together on my birthday. in december i told sam about my depression. i approached it with a great deal of self-shame that i tried not to show, but was likely there anyways. i told him there was something i wanted to tell him that not many people know about me, as long as he wanted to hear it. he said, 'okay, but only if we never talk about it ever again.' after i told him he said well okay, just don't talk about it.

what i learned? (before ole sammykins got emotionally abusive). the hate he had for my depression was his own hate for his own demons. this is pretty common. we all have those people in our lives, who refuse to love or accept sadness in themselves and so they reject it in others. these are usually the people who get annoyed with depression, who screech that it is all for attention, etc etc etc. they usually have so much pain themselves, and refuse that pain the care from others. their demons hate our demons. the bad relationship that came out of my depression wasn't because of my depression or my demons, but because of sam's own contained demons. this is good news.

two: the anonymous social entrepreneur we will call aaron

i had a pretty casual relationship with aaron. when i finally told him about my depression, i could feel him recoiling. for him , my depression meant effort. it meant time he would have to spend, and care he would have to share, to be a decent boyfriend (person). i was destroyed, and thought i would never have a relationship with my depression. i thought i would have to hide my demons forever. as it turns out, our relationship was not over because of my depression. our relationship was over because aaron was kind of selfish.

three: the decent lawyer, aka michaeltheboyfriendwhodidn'truinmylife

michael was wonderful. he was so caring and nurturing and wonderful when i told him about my depression. he was perfect. when i told him i wasn't feeling well, he would ask me all the time how i was doing, never missing a day. despite his shortcomings, which were mainly his surrenderings to his own anxiety, he was wonderful in all of these ways. at the time i was sure i had somehow found the only person in the world who would accept my depression. he is not. he is one of several. in the end, we didn't stay together, but we didn't break up because of my depression. my depression made our break up a lot harder, a lot more turbulent. i was in a mad depressive episode, and constantly ambivalent and emotional. i think he still holds some resentment from that, but i hope he will come around (i think he will).

i like to think of it as a screen. it screens out the people i shouldn't want to date anyways: the cold, the selfish, the insecure. and it is sad at the time, but maybe not such a bad thing? who knows.

www.sealovelight.blogspot.ca

[PulledPork]

I generally get a little too anxious, I wouldn't say clingy when I find someone I get along with well. Especially when they reciprocate interest, I sometimes lose perspective.

A lot of that is because the depression takes over and I generally over analyze each and everything said and done.

[Beth42]

I broke up with my last boyfriend when he was acting down for a long period of time...maybe I just don't accept my own depression and therefore reject it in others? Has anyone experienced a similar situation?

I've experienced this from the other side. My first long-term boyfriend had undiagnosed depression that he refused to deal with, and when I had a depressive episode myself he dumped me. I'm not guessing about his diagnosis, btw. We had a long talk about it several years after the break up.

The guy I dated after him had a lot of issues around self-esteem and I suspect, but don't know for sure, that he also was depressed. I would urge him to seek help but he felt very uncomfortable talking about things like that and never did. When I was depressed he would get angry with me and berate me because I couldn't just feel better and it made him feel worthless that he couldn't help me. I ended up leaving him, and one of the reasons was that I felt he didn't respect me and was just using me to feel better about himself.

After that I decided I would only date depressed people if they acknowledged it and were seeking help. My current boyfriend isn't depressed at all. He's one of the most content people I know. It's very nice and refreshing and provides a good counter-balance to me, but it brings it's own set of challenges. He genuinely doesn't understand depression so I really have to advocate for myself and tell him what I need from him and when.

[vega57]

my wife n family have supported n stuck by n with me but I do know of a few marriages, my friends, that have not survived. very sad but it happens

[lavenderblonde]

Hi,

I'm 19 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. Although we are young we have had a consistently strong and serious relationship. I love him dearly but recently I have become bored. I'm unhappy with my life, I feel like I live such a boring life and have achieved nothing. I want to go out into the world and have adventures and new experiences. This may sound cliche but my boyfriend is almost perfect. However, we have different views on life. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to live my life, like I have been forced to grow up and be serious too soon. He is a Christian (which I am not) and very sensible. I have admitted to him that I am bisexual and he tells me that this is wrong and won't accept it. He wants to live a sensible, typical family life whereas I want more of a fast life, with constant adventure and spontaneity. He has admitted to me that he's been feeling suicidal and so I am afraid to leave him in case he harms himself. I feel stuck in a relationship that I am unsure whether I truly want to be in. Sometimes I feel a lot of love for him, but the next moment I feel nothing for him and want my space and independence. Also, I am moving to america in 2 years. He says he'll move with me, and I feel that if he does I won't be able to ever leave him as I will have brought him there. this puts more pressure on me, as I almost have a time-limit. less than 2 years, if i don't break up with him before the move then i feel i will be obliged to marry him. I don't know what to do.

[Carbie]

i couldnt vote because i have not been with anyone since i started to feel depressed. i know this, in my state of mind now, no self respecting woman would give me the time of day. if your not perfect looking, have a nice bank account, a good career, cars/trucks, house, all the good stuff then women will pass you by. i know now that my destiny is to die drunk/stoned and alone, isnt that a nice life?