Jump to content

Is It Normal To Feel Depressed If You Don't/have Never Had A Girlfriend?


Recommended Posts

Hi,

This has been bugging me for a while. I've never met anyone who has never had a girlfriend so I can't really ask them? Is it normal to feel depressed if you aren't/have never been in a relationship? I'm 20 next month and i've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed so obviously a virgin, and I haven't even had any interest from girls. Does anyone on here feel like this might be true :S? I'm not worth the effort and i'll never be loved, so will I be depressed all my life because of this? Sorry I feel like I wanna explode lol because this is always on my mind. Has anyone on here nevr had a girlfriend and feels the same way I do? Would be nice to know i'm not the only one having trouble I guess :).

Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a 23 year old son who feels very much the same way. He has had dates but never a serious relationship with a girl. I don't know how to get you to accept this but you are a valuable person and you are most definitely worth the effort!!! How often are you in social situations where you might be able to meet someone? It sounds like you have low self esteem and you need to build your confidence. People are often turned off by others who feel worthless and have no self confidence. I know that sounds mean but I think it scares them off. My son has experienced this several times but he is working on building his confidence. I know it's hard, especially when you've faced rejection, but try to remember that you are young. 20 is just the beginning of your adult life! The right girl is out there somewhere!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think so, if you're already clinically depressed then its pretty much impossible to get into good relationships. Depressed people are about as attractive as a two week old dog turd on the sidewalk, only other deranged messed up people are going to want to pick it up.

Everyone wants bubbly happy stupid slavering confidence for some reason. People say its attractive, although I find confidence rather disgusting and repulsive, that's probably because I'm so messed up, depressed and full of bitter hate. I've noticed that the most vile abusive scum humanity has to offer can get in relationships easy if they can project the right things, doesn't matter how horribly they treat their SO. People are stupid like that, it's a god awful meat market where the best BS artist wins.

I'm probably being way overly negative here. I just feel so cheated by everyone and everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is normal to feel that way, I am 23 and never been in a relationship although I have had a few intimate encounters. My opinion is a lot of people, particularly us males, don't go through their sexually attractive stage until a bit later in life, when all the teenage hormones have settled.

I know plenty of girls and guys who were the popular, pretty and sexually active ones at school who are now washed up and haggered looking. Many of them even have kids and they're only in their early 20's.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it is normal to feel depressed in your situation....I was 24 when i had my first date and my first relationship. She was 22 and never had a relationship either so we were both virgins. I guess it worked out that I had to meet someone who was just as awkward with the other sex as I was. Before I met her, I thought that i would never meet anyone and was always depressed about my situation.

You are only 20...don't give up hope!!!

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yah, pretty normal. I've never had a girlfriend and that's the main cause of sorrow in my life. And from knowing a fair few depressed people over the years, it seems like a lot of depressed people have never had relationships. And some of them who have since found someone, now seem a lot happier.

It is indeed rather cruel the way people neglect each other. It's just an evolutionary thing, though. We're all us humans bound by those parameters set up by our existence's inherent requirement of reproduction. So in a way, those careless people are victims, too, of their own inability to see past their noses. I'm personally attracted to kind people, so I'm not missing out on much by being neglected by careless people.

Edited by cool_walking_
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd like to think there's no "normal" or not "normal" in reasons for depression. If you're depressed you're depressed. Any reason is as valid as another if it causes you pain. That said, Not having someone in your life is a pretty common cause for depression, yes.

While alpheus put it a little.. differently...than I would have :) he has a point. Depression can make it hard to find relationships, because confidence is one of the bigger factors in attraction, I've found. Don't give up yet, you've got plenty of time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm 40 and have never had a relationship or had anyone ask me out. Friends, family and work colleagues think I'm bright, funny, confident and self-assured, and yet my lonliness is like a cancer that eats away at my soul. It will eventually **** me, of that I'm certain. I've already blubbered too long about this topic on this forum so I won't subject you to any more, but you are most assuredly not alone, and it's understandable to feel down about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Depressed people are about as attractive as a two week old dog turd on the sidewalk, only other deranged messed up people are going to want to pick it up.

Everyone wants bubbly happy stupid slavering confidence for some reason. People say its attractive, although I find confidence rather disgusting and repulsive, that's probably because I'm so messed up, depressed and full of bitter hate. I've noticed that the most vile abusive scum humanity has to offer can get in relationships easy if they can project the right things, doesn't matter how horribly they treat their SO. People are stupid like that, it's a god awful meat market where the best BS artist wins.

Omigosh, Alpheus, you are so well-spoken and blatantly negative that I cannot help but admire your frankness. I immediately went to see what else you had to say on the forum and was not disappointed. I used to be oh-so POP-u-lar until I couldn't force the smiles anymore. And even the friends who were closest to me faded away because I refused to be "cheered up." While I never went out of my way to be long-faced or negative, they just couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't "myself" anymore (sorry for the gratuitous use of quotation marks). I have one close friend left, and she is close enough that we even joke about my suicidal tendencies, and when I tell her I need isolation she will leave me alone for as many weeks as I like--always ready to pick up where we left off. I now realize that it isn't the quantity but the quality of friendship.

As far as girlfriends go, Super Nova, don't be in a hurry. As a woman, I can tell you that as women mature they become much better at seeing qualities in men that may not be so obvious to the superficial eye. If you are in the position to be around women, I suggest you focus on making friends. One day that friendship may lead to something deeper. Often if a guy starts out with dating in mind, he may unwittingly make the woman wary. On the other hand, if he doesn't show any such interest, she may wonder why not. Oh, the games people play.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes it is!!! I'm 26 and in the same position as you. I've had a lot of problems in my life but no matter what I do I cannot attract a girl to save my life. I just turned to violent movies and enjoy collecting them instead of chasing uninterested girls

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am in your shoes as well except that I'm a girl. The past year this has made me feel very depressed, I get upset everytime I think about it. It has crushed all my selfesteem and I feel like a piece of s***! I guess I know though why I have never had a bf. I'm very uncomfortable with myself and I don't know why I am, so if I don't even like myself how can someone ever love me? It just doesn't feel good if someone shows me there love because I just feel I'm not worth it.. So yeah I know I will have to change that first before I ever can be in a relationship..

Edited by Broken_girl
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I believe it is 'normal' to feel depressed if you've never committed yourself to a relationship. Like you, I've never been in a relationship. Then again, I'm only 17 almost turning 18, but over here, everyone seems to have had a girlfriend at some stage. Even casual people I know have speculated about me being 'gay' because I've never been in a relationship with someone. The thing is though is that at my age, I might just be too young for a relationship and I don't want to rush into things too quickly. On the other hand, I wish I had someone that's there to support me. I suppose I should find some proper friends first though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course it's normal, I think it would be surprising if someone was not depressed over never having a girlfriend. I haven't and I'm almost 26, and I know I'll be that way for the rest of my life. It's practically impossible for it to be otherwise, so I'll have to live with it. Being doomed to die single will just have to be part of my identity. I hate it when someone says "you have to show confidence" in order to date... I mean you lack confidence / are depressed because you've never had a date, but people won't date you because you don't have confidence. Isn't that a Catch 22? And the same people are the ones who are going to mock, bully, tease you for it. How the hell are you going to show confidence like that? It would be irrational if you did. As an aside, that's another example why I don't buy the popular account of depression as one being "delusional" or "irrational" - if you have bad circumstances, it would be delusional for you to NOT be depressed about it.

But personally I don't get why most people are only attracted to confidence. I would be attracted, in fact in some ways I'd find it more attractive, if the girl was depressed. Because I'd be likely to relate to her and because I'd be able to nurture and care for her. Or maybe it's only women who won't date a depressed man. :veryangry:

People are stupid like that, it's a god awful meat market where the best BS artist wins.

Note this quote also applies somewhere else... where else do you have to be a good BS artist? Yep. Finding a job. Getting a girlfriend is in some ways fundamentally the same process as getting a job. If you can't get someone (or even as a friend for that matter) to "like" you, then how are you going to get an employer to "like" you? As always it's all about BS and lies. I think the definition of a depressed person is being one of the few people on the planet that is honest. Everyone else is a bulls***ter and liar.

As for being single for the rest of my life, I do have one wish. My wish is that my singleness will be known to future generations, not that anyone will likely notice but that they would know if they did. I wish that on my gravestone it will be carved:

"[my name]

died XXXXX

NEVER BEEN LOVED

NEVER BEEN LIKED"

Yes, I want that carved right on there. The problem? I'd be too poor to afford a gravestone or have myself buried. So I guess I'd have to be satisified with putting that in the classified ads. Maybe I won't even be able to afford that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course it's normal, I think it would be surprising if someone was not depressed over never having a girlfriend. I haven't and I'm almost 26, and I know I'll be that way for the rest of my life. It's practically impossible for it to be otherwise, so I'll have to live with it. Being doomed to die single will just have to be part of my identity. I hate it when someone says "you have to show confidence" in order to date... I mean you lack confidence / are depressed because you've never had a date, but people won't date you because you don't have confidence. Isn't that a Catch 22? And the same people are the ones who are going to mock, bully, tease you for it. How the hell are you going to show confidence like that? It would be irrational if you did. As an aside, that's another example why I don't buy the popular account of depression as one being "delusional" or "irrational" - if you have bad circumstances, it would be delusional for you to NOT be depressed about it.

But personally I don't get why most people are only attracted to confidence. I would be attracted, in fact in some ways I'd find it more attractive, if the girl was depressed. Because I'd be likely to relate to her and because I'd be able to nurture and care for her. Or maybe it's only women who won't date a depressed man. :veryangry:

People are stupid like that, it's a god awful meat market where the best BS artist wins.

Note this quote also applies somewhere else... where else do you have to be a good BS artist? Yep. Finding a job. Getting a girlfriend is in some ways fundamentally the same process as getting a job. If you can't get someone (or even as a friend for that matter) to "like" you, then how are you going to get an employer to "like" you? As always it's all about BS and lies. I think the definition of a depressed person is being one of the few people on the planet that is honest. Everyone else is a bulls***ter and liar.

As for being single for the rest of my life, I do have one wish. My wish is that my singleness will be known to future generations, not that anyone will likely notice but that they would know if they did. I wish that on my gravestone it will be carved:

"[my name]

died XXXXX

NEVER BEEN LOVED

NEVER BEEN LIKED"

Yes, I want that carved right on there. The problem? I'd be too poor to afford a gravestone or have myself buried. So I guess I'd have to be satisified with putting that in the classified ads. Maybe I won't even be able to afford that.

I am reminded of a comic with a Robot and a kid where the robot asks the kids what love is, the kid gives some hokey simplistic definition, the robot says that sounds nice let's love each other and the kids says ok but first there's the matter of my $50 registration fee. Dating is a lot harder when you don't have money, most traditional date ideas cost a few, and I think its a biological fact that women tend to be attracted more to males that can provide them with resources, which in this society means $$$. I'm not really sure if I believe in the concept of romantic love anymore, I am tending once again to think it's just a cruel trick of biochemistry to get people close enough to reproduce. Nature is a sadistic Biotch.

Which reminds me, there's a lot of interesting biological theories on depression that attempt to answer the question why would natural selection allow to exist a suite of behaviors & biological reactions that on face seem so blatantly maladaptive. They make me wonder if once, in prehistory, the depression suite of behaviors did serve some survival value that has now become obsolete in our supposedly great industrialized societies but as humans we're still slaves of our obsolete evolutionary heritage?

Edited by alpheus
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheers for the replies guys! But, I still don't really know where to start...

Would it be a better idea to just focus on myself for the time being, even if that is selfish? Such as working on my confidence? Then again I don't really know where to start because tbh I have 0 confidence lol. I have gotten better but I've still got a looonngg way to go. Although I did start my new job last week behind a bar, and and a girl did ask for my number! Fair enough she was drunk but I guess it shows that maybe a few people may be interested?? I dunno. Would work be a good place to meet girls in that way? I guess it would help me practice talking to people :).

Ohh, and would it be a good idea to go for someone who was also depressed? I know some of you said it would be easier to relate, but would it really help me or the other person :S.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheers for the replies guys! But, I still don't really know where to start...

Would it be a better idea to just focus on myself for the time being, even if that is selfish? Such as working on my confidence? Then again I don't really know where to start because tbh I have 0 confidence lol.

Yes that is where you should be starting. I don't know about your life, but whatever it is you feel you have failed at, go out and attempt it and attempt it again. You will fail here and there, but don't look at failure as a finality in itself -- look at it as one step to success. The greatest freedom is having no fear of failure. Everyone on earth fails. The winners are the ones who learn from it.

I have gotten better but I've still got a looonngg way to go. Although I did start my new job last week behind a bar, and and a girl did ask for my number! Fair enough she was drunk but I guess it shows that maybe a few people may be interested?? I dunno. Would work be a good place to meet girls in that way? I guess it would help me practice talking to people :).

Bro, unless you are like 5'1 and ugly as all get out, you can attract a woman (and probably more attractive women than you think).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...