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I Give Up


Nan001

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I dont know anymore. I'm not sure i give up, because i dont even know what giving up means anymore. I dont know if its depression. I know that no one around me understands, not even a single hint. I figured its best if i took care of it by myself. Sometimes i cant even eat cause food disgust me, i stay in bed crying for hours or sleeping because i dont want to do anything, i just want to die. And sometimes i collapse cause i cant cope with it, and cry and cry for hours. And sometimes i get happy, but then when im happy i fear it will all fall down, and then before i know it, it does. No one understands me, everything is simply complex and every color blends with every taste (i have synesthesia) and sometimes the colors remind me of my childhood when i think i was happy. When i thought everyone around me was happy. Now i dont know if i live in the past or the future or the now. The colors switch, disturbs and scares me. I seriously dont know if this is something everyone deals with or is it depression? Im scared of telling people because to start off i cant even form words to describe it, so i just shut up, cause thats convenient and simple. Im scared of telling because i dont want people to judge me every single second and think im mad. But if i gave up, i wouldnt care? But then i'd probably burst, tell everyone and id be sent to a therapist, be given some supposedly good drugs and live my happy life in ignorant bliss, shouldnt i be able to set my own dreams? But i dont have any dreams left. I just live knowing that ill die. That's what keeps me going. And tht i dont have another choice but to stay here. But i so desperately want to die, Being dead is my dream ^^. People dont take me seriously because of my age and because of who they think i am and because of they dont want to accept the dirty truth, blissful ignorant at its best. And suicide its not an option for me anymore. I'll harm the ones i care about more than ill do to myself, thats not my dream. And i feel so numb, everything is grey, no colors at all, the color itself is so depressing. I dont want to take pills, im a strong believer that other things other than man made stuff can make me feel better. But maybe mankind erased it all? did they? And sometimes i even see things and hear things and it scares me. But it scares me more than im becoming crazy...? Does anyone understand? Am i alone? should I give up? No. ofcourse not. But then again, yes ofcourse.

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Nan001, you are NOT alone! You have come to the right place to get support and understanding. We are sufferers too, and we understand in a way that people who have never had depression issues cannot.

You sound like you are having some pretty serious symptoms of depression and/or other related issues. I really, really urge you to go to your Dr and talk about all this. If you have a hard time describing it, then print out your post, which was very well written (!), and take it with you to your appt. Hand it to the Dr to read. They are used to that, it happens all the time.

I understand about wanting to not exist anymore. I've been through that in the recent past. I think what you and I feel is not so much that we want to die, but that we want the pain to stop. Nan, I really think you could get better, if you see a Dr. He/she may or may not perscribe medication. I used to be like you, not wanting to take meds and feeling like I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. However, after a couple of bad episodes, I decided to try medication. What I found is that it didn't change me, the real me, but it cleared away the depression so I could actually be myself for once! I was not so agitated that I couldn't think straight! I was not obsessing over every little thing, and I began to relax and enjoy at least parts of my life. The right meds can give you a new lease on life, so don't rule them out entirely. However, you have to remember that you may have to try several different ones before you find the one that works for you.

There are other things besides meds you could try. There's talk therapy and things like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). There are LOTs of things a Dr can perscribe to you that are not meds and that will help.

Please, please go to see your Dr. I waited until I was 56 years old before I went for help and believe me, all those years were hell. I wish I had gone way sooner!

There are other members here who also see and hear things. That is a definate sign that something is up. It's another big reason to go to your Dr.

Don't give up Nan. No matter what you were told as a child, no matter how you were treated in your life, you are a good worthy person and you deserve to feel better.

My heart goes out to you Nan!

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Thats very very nice of you to say, i appreciate this, thankyou. Although sometimes i do feel like i can be happy, but its almost as if its just for the moment, but i treasure it and cherish it. and when i do get really down, its almost as if everything slows down and get foggy, every color turns grey, but i can listen to it. i can cry to it, and i tell myself i cant cope wiith it, during the moment, but if i couldnt i wouldnt be alive. I try to see things as positive as possible. And its positive that i can see things positive, hah! But im really into philosphy and i question things before i try them, i try to see them in different point of views because i really think taking medicines would be the last way out, even talking to a doctor. I dont consider it as vital for me. I dont know if im an outsider looking inside the bubble of the people who has overcome this stage. I dont know if its convincing, i dont know if this will be the same for me. And i dont have any interest whatsoever in talking to a doctor. I dont think theyre qualified. I just dont know. Im very reliable on my colors, yes. lol. And whenever i talk to someone who is unexperienced i can see that the colors dont match me. They just pour out on the left and theyll never get to me. So they are just outsiders looking inside to me. They have no effect on me. And i think its quite frusterating to try to tell people they should take this and that, because it saved their lives so wonderfully. But it might not for me? I know i should give it a try, but its just foreign to me, its not something i can hold onto. And those things i can hold onto is the only things that colors my life with familiar feelings. When i try new things it feels okay, then i can feel the aftermath, then i give up. But i can atleast know that you understands, maybe not fully, just a little bit, and thats alot. thankyou!

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Nan, we are here for you no matter what you decide to do. You can always come here and talk to us and vent. You have to decide what is best for you. It's different for each person, and as you say, you have to be true to yourself. I respect you for that!

I hope to see you on the forum. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!

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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :(

I've been in a place where I thought it couldn't possibly ever get better ever again and wanted to give up - but it does get better!

It is difficult, but honestly, you'd be amazed how much finding people who understand can help. You have a whole forum full of people to talk it through with now!

It's definately worth going to see you doctor. (s)he won't think you're mad or judge you. They'll be able to talk it through with you, and you'd be amazed how much of a weight comes off your shoulders once you've been told that it IS depression. Before I was diagnosed, I felt like I was losing my marbles!

I totally agree with LibraryLady - take what you've written down to the docs if you're worried you won't be able to explain verbally. In fact, writing down how you're feeling generally can be really helpful, especially if its so overwhelming its making you feel muddled.

I hope things start to get better for you soon :) In the mean time, totally use this forum - I only joined today, but reading through posts, everyone seems so friendly and supportive.

Take care!

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Hey, and thankyou LibraryLady and Bunnie89 (And welcome ^^) Been thinking that there might be the end of a tunnel, seeing everyone say it is so. But everyone take differents paths to reach there, it takes time, and more for to the doctor will help fosome. But i dont think going r me personally. I wanna find another way out. And right now this forum will do. I wish someone would take me seriously, knowing this might be something, but, when people dont understand its easier to be with them. Without the judging look, without the concern and the misunderstanding. When im depressed its easier if i am alone and wait for it to go, for the moment. And if im feeling less depressed then i dont have to face all the people thinking, oh she passed, shes feeling well now. I can just be. If its something i can handle alone, ill do it. I dont need other ways, for all i know. But thanks again ^^ Just those posts helped me very much.

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No you shouldn't give up. You deserve to live in this world just as much as everyone else. I don't think your crazy. I just think you have a different outlook on life than most people and that doesn't mean you are wrong. I love how you used colors to describe how you view things. You seem very perceptive about the world. I'm like that too. Are you seeing a therapist or talking to anyone you can trust. For me I use a therapist as I can't really confide in my friends but if you do have a friend to confide in that would be great. And about the medication. I had the same views as you and in a way I am very neutral on the matter. I think they help to a degree but they don't automatically cure depression. one time I just felt numb on the effects of the medication and really couldn't feel emotion at all. It was strange. I don't want to hassle you into taking medication but its an option that is available. When you are on it it takes a lot of trial and error and takes weeks to come into effect. Its hard to feel positive when the world treats us so poorly. Society has a lot to work on. Its also hard being a complex person when everyone around you seem "simple" A lot of people don't think as deeply and don't get sucked into the troubles of the world. They kind of overlook it. I heard this advice and you don't have to follow it but sometimes making very simple goals for yourself like doing laundry, doing the dishes, making your bed that day, or doing something a little productive can make you feel better. Then you don't feel as crappy. That is a lot easier said than done. I'm still trying to work at it but I think in the long run it will be very effective. I hope you can find the will to want to live again. Being suicidal is one of the worst feelings one can imagine. I hate when I have them. Its like nothing can fix your mood at that point. I hope there is some hope in your life. You seem like a very smart and nice person who puts up with a lot of trouble from other people. Your strong. To have depression for so long takes a very strong person. There are amazing things about you. i can tell. I hope things get better for you and you can find some peace in life! I wish you the best!! :thumbs-up:

Kyreem!

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Thanks Dstrange18 ^^ , i don't feel suicidal anymore, or i don't know, i don't wanna hurt my family, thats the only reason i wont plan a new suicide attempt, and im thinking of going to a therapist, but it costs and i'd have to talk to my mother before i can talk to one. And i dont want her to worry more than she already do. I feel so sorry for her, her life is so tough. And i still don't think i'd ever want to take medication :/ I dont see the need for that personally. I just wish people could understand me and not pressure me so much, seems like this modern community don't think as 'deep' as me at all. And no one takes me seriously because of many reasons. I just don't know what to do. I feel so stuck in life. Everyone feels so surreal. I hear things that scares me alot. I see things. And i always feel like waking up from a dream in the middle of the day and everyone feels so numb, like they don't exist, and im stuck in this nightmare and people just act and treat you as if you have to fit in, in this superficial and shallow community. I just don't know me anymore, I don't know the world anymore. But thank you for the post! Means alot.

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Nan001,

As a mom, I would urge you to talk to your mom. I think it's wonderful that you care so much that you don't want to cause her anymore worry and that you think of how your family would hurt if you weren't here. We had a beautiful, 13-year-old girl commit suicide in our area this week because of bullying and just seeing what it's doing to her friends and family.....it's so tragic.

I have an 11-year-old son (only 2 years younger than the 13-year-old girl and that scares the crap out of me!) and I try to make him as reassured as I possibly can that he can ALWAYS come to me. I just had a talk with him this week about it. If anything, anything at all, was bothering him, I would want to know and help in any way possible. I pray he always feels comfortable enough to come to me with everything. I'm sure your mom feels the same. It's a MOM thing!

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Thanks for the posts! And im so sorry for the 13-year-old girl taysmom1016. I'm 13 myself and that number alone can make people take me very unseriously. Even if i give a hint of my problems, they always answer with some simple answer saying i should just enjoy my youth and whatnot. They wouldnt think i have depression. Just some teenager problems, nothing big. And i really don't want to tell my mom, i worry for her so much it aches, really. She has her own problems and she's happy she has a nice daughter, i don't want to ruin that. And besides, i dont wanna be labeled instable to the rest of the world, looking at me with their worrying misunderstanding eyes. Sometimes i cant even speak physically because im just too tired of life and everything, i feel as if theres no point in speaking, no point of people understanding, no point of trying. To me, i've ran out of options, and all i can do is live on in despair, really. Everything is so blurry and unclear, grey, literally. I really don't know what to do. And it's scaring me...

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Is there a counselor at school you can talk to? Obviously, people should take everyones problems seriously, even at 13 kids can be troubled enough to do something drastic. Please, I appreciate not wanting to worry your mom but if it gets any worse or before you do something you can't take back, talk to her. Otherwise, she'll be the one with regret that she couldn't help you because she didn't know anything was wrong. That's what the parents and the school of the girl I mentioned said, "they knew about the bullying, but she said everything was fine". The girl left a note, "I'm fine = I wish I could tell you how I really feel". In otherwords when people say they're fine, it equals, not really, but I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to worry you, etc. That's at any age. I'm much, MUCH older than you ;-) but I still say, I'm fine, when my family, friends or aquaintences as how I'm doing. That's why I come here, so I can let it out and really speak my mind. It helps, but it's not the same as having a close human to confide in. I even talk to my son to some extent, without scaring him. I want to keep the lines of communication with him as open as possible and I hope by being honest with him, he will be honest with me too. Like I said, it's a mom thing.

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Not any counselor in school i want to talk to. I've talked to one before about other stuff, and i can tell in her colors where shes standing. I don't think ill do anything drastic though. I desperately want to. But i will never, i've overcome that stage some time ago. And i always think about telling mom, but even so i don't know what to say, words doesnt describe this at all. If i try to tell the words come out in other colors (sorry for confusing with colors) And when i get really depressed i just stay in that state until it has passed. As you said internet is not the same as having a close human in real. And that's what i truly wish for, but one cannot have everything in life. And im not going to try to make people i know understand, i've already seen how hopeless it is though. Thanks for your post!

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I've been reading up on synesthesia and while I won't pretend that I totally understand it, I get what you're trying to say about the colors. It's very interesting, I'm not sure how much research you've done on the web on it but if I were you, read as much as you can. It might just help explain what you're feeling and why. Maybe you can even find a support group of others with the same gift. In the meantime, consider me another mother who will worry about you and if you ever need to, feel free to PM me. I'm not always online on weekends as we go to my dad and my son has to go to his (no internet there), I'm here almost every day during the week, at least until school's out and we'll probably spend more time at my dad's (I'm planning on adding an internet data plan to my phone then so I will be able to check in). I hope you get through this, I see in your first post that you do remember being happy. Hold onto that feeling, it WILL come again! I know it doesn't seem like it at times like this but it will. :hugs:

Edited by taysmom1016
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Thank you! I've done much research on synesthesia, they said with it come some percentage of being more depressed and synesthetes are commonly more emotional in general and artistic (?) i guess that's true when it comes to me atleast. I appreciate all this :) thankyou, ill PM you if i need something :hugs:

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