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Just Some Thoughts I'm Having


Icarus21

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Sorry for keep posting. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm giving up hope and don't think I can make it another day without being hospitalized or what. For about a month now my mind has been nothing but negative thoughts that would not give me a break. No matter how hard I try to shake them they keep coming back. I was able to get a days break from it by really concentrating but then got too tired trying to focus on other things and then the depression came back twice as strong as before. Its not like not trying to get over it. I'm trying my best. I'm to the point where my brain is over thinking and I just cannot move. I shouldn't keep checking on facebook because it keeps fueling the fire but find myself coming back. I hate it. My emotions are consuming my every being. I just can't let things go. I had this terrible illness since I was 5 and I'm 21 now. Never had a normal life. Never had a healthy childhood or teen years and then when I tried to change everything I found it almost impossible to live like everyone else. I've always been good to people and treated people fairly. I never got drunk or did any drugs. I did what I was told most of the time. I feel like society wants me to change completely but I like who I am. I don't see why I'm the only one who has to change. I reinvented myself countless times over the past because people told me I should this way instead but it made no difference. I get back up and fight the good fight and something knocks me back down over and over. I been at this for 15 years and tired of fighting it. I need a break. On top of all of this I go to school and its about finals week and I have never felt to stressed. My brain is on overload. I'm really trying people. I'm not a quitter but dang I'm so tired. All I feel like doing is crying and sleeping. I've never felt my emotional pain so strong before. I been through countless of therapists and psychiatrist but I need them more often. I just feel sooo alone. I feel dead but I'm alive. I don't want to live but I don't want to die either. I cannot quit now. I'm just so tired that I can't find happiness. There never was a time in my life to where I was "normal" As sad as it seems some of my most treasured thoughts are watching anime and playing Pokemon and drawing. They were the closest to happy I ever was but I just can't spend my life doing everything alone. And how am I supposed to get better if 1000000 people tell me to do this and there all different. I also feel as though people pay too much attention to my flaws and not their own. They like to nitpick at me. I have so much work to do but cannot focus. The more I try not to think of it the weirder I feel. Its a very uncomfortable feeling. Coming here is my last hope. But sometimes I don't think this is all me. I hold myself responsible for a lot and I'm really hard on myself but I do think I have valid reasons for my happiness. Maybe I'm not thinking as clearly but right now I feel like I'm making sense right now. I feel like I should still be myself while the whole world is telling me to change all of this stuff about me. I'm just tired of all the judgements, the stigma, the ignorance, and the unbalance of society. I don't know what to do anymore.

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Happiness is hard to define, but it is certainly not dependent on society's approval. Try not to worry about what other people are saying now, and focus on the little things that make you feel even just a little better and take it one step at a time. I completely understand what you are saying. First, don't worry about posting too much--can you beat me? :) The purpose of this forum is exactly for people to post things like what you are posting here. Secondly, don't beat yourself up. It is normal to feel this way when you are depressed. A lot of us here have experienced the same thing: not being able to concentrate, not being able to get work done when it should be done, not wanting to do anything when there's a lot to do, etc., etc. This is exactly why depression is a debilitating illness. It looks like you really need time to take care of yourself right now. I know it can be frustrating when you can't see your therapists/psychiatrists as often as you need. Are there other people in your life you could turn to? I totally share and sympathize with your exhaustion...

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Thank you so much for responding! I'm glad I'm not alone in this but sad others are going through it too. I basically have my mom mostly and we get along pretty well. I found out the Facebook is fueling my depression as well so I'm on it less. But I don't have many people I trust lately. I just hope things eventually get better. Especially since its finals. But I'm glad we can all help each other out. I'm glad I found this forum. People are really supportive and helpful. The sad thing is you guys are more supportive than my friends but they don't know what its like so they really can't do much.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Kyreem

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Hi Dstrange,

Sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time in your very young days. It does sound like you are depressed right now, Are you on any medication and if so it does sound like it is not effective.

It is vitally important that you see your Doctor for his professional support and perhaps a complete change of your medication.

I know it is very difficult, but be as active as you can and keep up your essential routines. It will feel difficult to maintain relationships when you feel the way you do. Do love and care for yourself as you must value yourself and your best side.

Do you have a close relatione, a best friend or other person you can talk to in confidence?

Do get professional support from your Doctor as soon as possible and be caring and loving to yourself.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Hey Jim thank you for responding. Yes I'm on medication but will need to have them changed. My appointment is in the middle of May. I haven't seen him in like a month and a half. He does like every 2 months. I'm a tad better from that day. I'm improving a little bit but there are still a lot of emotions inside of me. I let myself slip a little in school but now picking things up again. The only person I am really sometimes comfortable in confiding with is my mom but I hate always coming to her for my problems because I don't like being a burden to people. I don't trust people all that much and I do have friends but a lot of them come and go and many don't really understand what is going on. I try talking to tons of them but it always ends up in a fight. I have to keep explaining that its an illness and its not as easy to just get better and try to correct them when they say things like theres always people far worse or to tell me to cheer up. I understand their trying to help but its frustrating. Most of my best times are spent alone but that doesn't mean I don't make an effort to spend time with friends. Every time I do it seems to end horribly though. And I only see my school counselor one every two weeks and see him tomorrow HALLELUJAH! i don't mean to sound negative in this post. i'm still in the process of figuring out what to do to feel happier and do at least something productive. But with finals and depression I'm so exhausted and other things i need to take care of for school.

And again thank you for writing back!

Kyreem!

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Hello its Kyreem again. I'm trying hard to get through this depression. I'm succeeding a little bit but I'm still not exactly sure how to get out of this whole. I mean if it was so easy to just snap out of it I would been out of this 13 years ago. I only had a couple of periods where I felt "normal" but they were really short. The longest I been happy was for a month. The other times I was just numb with no feelings. Its not that I'm not trying as I went through about out about every type of professional help out there and I'm still on medication. There are still things to work on but i really get discouraged when I do try other coping methods or listen to peoples advice knowing full well it won't be as much help for me, things don't get better. There are a lot of times where things will seem like there getting better. I still pick myself back up and try another approach but that fails too. After a while you get tired and it is hard to do things like exercise which I need to do a lot more. And other productive things. My thoughts get stuck and go on a loop sometimes the whole day and I cannot shake them and the harder I try the worse it becomes. but the cycle keeps continuing. Like right now regardless of how I feel now I should just go to the gym right now and work on my paper at this moment. I'm so irritable and so hard on myself and blame myself for not getting better. I then hear comments like Cheer up or if you think positively things will be better or your creating your depression. I mean I know the people are trying to help but its very destructive hearing those things while trying to heal. I put a lot of blame on myself. Then there is the advice. People tell me that its me that causing my depression so i listen to them and believe everyone even though what there saying isn't true. People seem to guilt trip me somehow and I fall for it. I have a great sense of intuition and every time I listen to it things always work out for the best but when everyone seems to say the opposite of what your gut is telling you you can't help but believe them. I get so confused. People tell me to change all sorts of myself if I want to conform with society. I actually like the way I am and hate that I have to change a big part of me to live a "normal" life. I have my flaws which people just love pointing out but then see them ignoring their own advice. My heart is telling me to trust it and I believe that will ultimately give me the peace I need to get through this depression but get so confused when the world wants to steer you in another direction. I can be very sociable, but making friends and keeping friends is a big issue. Eventually they do leave. I guess thats part of how things go I suppose but I can't get out the feeling if my friends are truly my friends. I been severely traumatized from the day I was born up until high school. Every year since I was born I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by people who were supposed to be there for me. I have the worst trouble trusting because I been screwed over by the people closest by me so making friends is a big fear. But I still try anyways. And then later they screw me over. its just hard to get better when everything is so distorted and you don't know whether its you or them or your brain. I hope one day I can get over my clinical depression. Lastly, i do think positively as well. people tell me if I think positively things will get better. I don't think it works like that. When I think positively and have something to look forward to, I'm better but that still doesn't mean I'm gonna be all smiley and sunshine. I just hate that there is so much misconceptions about mental illnesses. It makes coping that much harder. And right now i'm trying to deal with college finals and college affairs on top of this depression. Sometimes I should be easier on myself because I cannot do everything at once. What do you guys think. i know asking this is extremely contradictory to my whole statement. Go figure! Asking for feedback. But i was wondering if anyone else felt this way?

Kyreem

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