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I Just. I Have No Idea Anymore.


EastDream

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I have no god damned idea anymore of what's going on. Because I've been told before its you its you, its all you. You are in charge of how you react to people - and all that other bull. Which is usually what I hear when I talk to my Mom or have a conversation about how upset I get with her, or how things make me hurt or angry when people just don't treat you very well. I think I'm such a genuine person. I think I'm a good person, kind at heart...which is why i din't understand why I'm so in such agony all of the time. Just - I fall into depression. Just the way people act. i can't deal with it. I can't stand it. They are so rude. Ugliness is everywhere. Goodness is nowhere or very few places. Am I too sensitive?

Is part of my/ and all our depression a sort of over sensitivity to hurts and disappointments other people cause, and of life? But then I also realize that my feelings are valid. So is it me? I mean.........what is going on? I am so sick of being like this. Its toxic it eats me up its ******* me every day feeling so destructive and full of anger and hate and sadness and hurt.. But the way people do me - i feel is unjust. They , and others often have said to me that the way I react is out of proportion, that why would I get so angry . Its almost like I'm too deep in the situation. I take things too serious. I'm too deep into things. I feel like to hear laughter sounds strange to me because I'm in such a deep state of serious emotions and sadness all of the time. Its like that. I can kind of see what they are saying. Maybe i am just an extreme person? Emotional? I'm in too deep and need to back out a little, lighten up?

I like i said, constantly feel like the way i feel is valid, and can't understand why others treat me the way they do. Or why people don't treat me better. Its like saying - just don't be you!!! that's basically what I think I have to do. which is what i don't understand. I really need help guys. I really need help.

Here is the thing: I know my anger is out of control. I am more or less constantly angry about something that's happened - but this anger is linked directly to a feeling of being hurt. In other words - something has happened to me that has hurt me, I just become extremely angry. But I don't see that its misplaced anger - EXTREME yes...my reactions are out of control . they are. But I feel very much ....and I am a level headed guy who thinks things through...i so much hate the feelings of constant anger but it seems like these situations never end. Im just always let down, upset and dejected because something new will happen. And this is why i don't understand what I'm to do. ...

what can I do? I've treid everything. ..i don't feel like the anger is unwarranted. i constnatly feel like its just from other people letting me down or acting so rudely or inconsiderately. Its just one after the other after the other. Its friday and I'm sick of feeling sick and depressed. **** this!! i want to go out and have fun. for once.

I've tried to shake this depressive attitude as well but it just sinks in on me. it just is there. its just how I am and I feel like I can't be anything else. I'm just a miserable a******. Im used to getting hurt by people or let down...so i just expect it. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS

Edited by EastDream
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I can feel myself fall into this sort of 'victim' depressive mentality.... its not the typical victim mindset. but its just feeling put upon by others, miserable. depression is literally something that comes over us. What can I do to avoid this? How do I get out of a victim sort of mindset, if that's what this is? Is there any way to be less sensitive to the hurts of life, or being shafted by others, etc or let down, or treated inconsiderately? Am I supposed to just let people walk all over me?

I can't go around getting angry at everything...so I don't know what to do? I honestly don't see what's wrong with my reaction, i feel like its warranted, which is what makes me so sad...its the world. But i'm in such pain all the time. I do feel its other people. But I can't continue on feeling so hurt/angry so constantly.What needs to happen here?

Do people need to just stop treating me so bad? But like that will happen. ... I feel so depressed right now. ..god. how do i get out of this. the depression is making me like this. I literally feel myself fall into it and, with it - comes this awful victim or put upon anger, resentment type thing I've been talking about. I also think its like a sort of dwelling upon it. if that m akes sense. its just like this depressive feeling that stays around that. I'm hurt by it so much. I just get into this nasty depressive frame of mind...how do i move myself out of it, or prevent from going in it?This is just awful. Why do I get like this? I mean why is this happening? its like I just get sucked into it. Like a weakness of my psyche. Depression is like a lack of tolerance for a bad mood - and then it becomes like a cold. A cold of the mind. Its something you fall into. I feel myself continually crawling back up or trying to crawl out of it, keeping it at bay? What the hell is going on?

I didn't used to be like this.

What do do I do. What can I do about this?

Edited by EastDream
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Hey there, I am glad I read your post. I am feeling the EXACT same way. You took the words out of my mouth. I'm struggling because I have no idea if its me or them or what. I have reinvented myself a lot over the years and changed a lot and still life is the same and maybe worse. I did it because I believed it was all me. Whatever I did everything was my fault. I think depression is both us and the environment. I really don't think we have full control. The deeper the depression the less control. I about lost hope for society in general. I've seen the bad in this world and even though I seem negative, I think to think of myself as a realist. Its weird people tell us to change though. I really do. I am starting to wonder why jerks never have to. Its the depressed persons fault they feel that way. But no one hassles the bully. Not ever in my lifetime. Your not alone in this and I feel there are others who feel the same way. I hope you can hang in there a lot longer. No one should have to suffer this alone. I just wish for the night I can make your day go better. I really hate for people to feel this way. I have a lot of empathy for people. Also a curse. The brain is one of the most complex systems in the universe. Of course its not going to be easy to ease out of the grasp of depression. I think people who still are depressed do try and I believe everyone has different ways of coping. To be honest I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm as confused as you. And the anger thing I'm working on. I'm afraid of my own emotions. If I could I wish I could find a way to ease your anger. It consumes everything. Its just hard to think positively when the world beats you repeatedly. Don't feel pressured to change immediately. I know people think its a character flaw but it isn't. Everyone figures oiut how to cope at their own pace. Everyone has a different puzzle to solve. Your just might be harder. I wish you the best of luck and wish I have helped in some way.

I wish you a very goodnight and wish you all the strength to get through this too. *hug*

Hang in there buddy!!

Best Wishes

Kyreem :)

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Do not change and follow your heart but find ways to combat it. I'm still trying to figure it out. Its like a parasite that wont let go. I think you have just been damaged too much like I have and gave so much and wonders why the world treats you so harshly. It doesn't sound logical. That the evil always win. Its like what is the point of being good. I do not think its us though. I know that much. I think we've experienced something important few have realized. I just don't know how to look at people in a positive light. Well most people in America anyways. You've been having the same thoughts as me too. Let them rest for tonight and come back to them tomorrow. All I can say is I have never felt someone share the EXACT emotions I've been feeling even though I don't all of what you been through. Its like we share the same pain. I believe you are a very good person. People like you are a reason I'm still here. You give me hope for humanity. And again I wish you best of luck. If you ever need someone to talk to I am always here!! Just try to get some sleep or find anyway to rest. No one should suffer this. Have a very goodnight!

Best Wishes

Kyreem!

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Hi EastDream. One of the things I can suggest is to start visualizing yourself as a non-victim, or in laymen's terms, someone who is successful, happy and confident.

Instead of looking at yourself in your standard non-positive frame of mind, make a new picture where you look different, are happy, and are the person you want to be.

This will help you distance yourself from the victim personality that you seem to be pressuring yourself under.

I hope some of this helps.

Every

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Hey I haven't read the other posts so apologise if I'm repeating anything. I think it's good you at least recognise you're getting angry, too angry for what is going on and I know it's also annoying that it feels like you can't help it. My advice is try out CBT, it's really good at logically breaking down stuff in your head rather than pretending not to be angry (which just screws you over even more). What every says above there is also good, there is so much to think about, just keep trying different ways of looking at it, eventually you'll find something that works and then you'll generally apply it more and more

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Well, one thing I've learned in my 45 years is that we do have an influence over how people treat us over time. Not every instant, but you really can affect how others treat you in general. You can decide to just "be yourself" and be damned with how others view that. Or you can try to behave in a way that encourages others to behave in the way you would like them too. Like you say you are always angry at others - what is it that they are doing/saying to make you angry? Is there something you could do or say differently, to make them change what they are doing or saying? It does take effort & calling on your empathy to pull this off, and it doesn't work every time, but it definitely works. I've decided to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. I think the best of them and their intentions, and project how I feel in my dealings with them. Now some times this does take suppressing my "real" feelings for a bit, but over time most people respond to my efforts by becoming easier to get along with. I've even been told, so & so has become a nice person since they met you.

Just some random thoughts - it sounds like you do have a lot going on and this anger at other is only one piece of the puzzle but thought I'd share what has worked for me.

Take care

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I have no god damned idea anymore of what's going on. Because I've been told before its you its you, its all you. You are in charge of how you react to people - and all that other bull. Which is usually what I hear when I talk to my Mom or have a conversation about how upset I get with her, or how things make me hurt or angry when people just don't treat you very well. I think I'm such a genuine person. I think I'm a good person, kind at heart...which is why i din't understand why I'm so in such agony all of the time. Just - I fall into depression. Just the way people act. i can't deal with it. I can't stand it. They are so rude. Ugliness is everywhere. Goodness is nowhere or very few places. Am I too sensitive?

Is part of my/ and all our depression a sort of over sensitivity to hurts and disappointments other people cause, and of life? But then I also realize that my feelings are valid. So is it me? I mean.........what is going on? I am so sick of being like this. Its toxic it eats me up its ******* me every day feeling so destructive and full of anger and hate and sadness and hurt.. But the way people do me - i feel is unjust. They , and others often have said to me that the way I react is out of proportion, that why would I get so angry . Its almost like I'm too deep in the situation. I take things too serious. I'm too deep into things. I feel like to hear laughter sounds strange to me because I'm in such a deep state of serious emotions and sadness all of the time. Its like that. I can kind of see what they are saying. Maybe i am just an extreme person? Emotional? I'm in too deep and need to back out a little, lighten up?

I like i said, constantly feel like the way i feel is valid, and can't understand why others treat me the way they do. Or why people don't treat me better. Its like saying - just don't be you!!! that's basically what I think I have to do. which is what i don't understand. I really need help guys. I really need help.

Here is the thing: I know my anger is out of control. I am more or less constantly angry about something that's happened - but this anger is linked directly to a feeling of being hurt. In other words - something has happened to me that has hurt me, I just become extremely angry. But I don't see that its misplaced anger - EXTREME yes...my reactions are out of control . they are. But I feel very much ....and I am a level headed guy who thinks things through...i so much hate the feelings of constant anger but it seems like these situations never end. Im just always let down, upset and dejected because something new will happen. And this is why i don't understand what I'm to do. ...

what can I do? I've treid everything. ..i don't feel like the anger is unwarranted. i constnatly feel like its just from other people letting me down or acting so rudely or inconsiderately. Its just one after the other after the other. Its friday and I'm sick of feeling sick and depressed. **** this!! i want to go out and have fun. for once.

I've tried to shake this depressive attitude as well but it just sinks in on me. it just is there. its just how I am and I feel like I can't be anything else. I'm just a miserable a******. Im used to getting hurt by people or let down...so i just expect it. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS

Hey EastDream

I know what you're going through because I went through the same thing except with depression. My depression didn't come in bloom fully until my mom started binging really badly on illegal drug. Since then I've had depression for years and years even though things have calmed down. I just remember during going to doctors and doctors and having them say "I think you're clinically depressed, have you tried medication?"

I remember getting so angry because I HAD something to be depressed about. I remember being somewhat happy before all this s*** happened so why the hell would medication work for me when I'm feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling??? For years I felt like this and it would constantly pi** me off.

So I continued to be depressed and angry about my mom and my situation and everything. I didn't deserve this, why are people constantly trying to ruin my life? Why are people such a******s, why this? why that? Constantly asking questions until one day I tried to **** myself and it failed only because my boyfriend showed up (he was supposed to be going to Puerto Rico) and saved me. Even then I was so angry he saved me and that I had to live another day.

After that I actually felt worse than I did when I wanted to commit suicide the first time so I admitted myself to a mental health center and they started me on medication and provided me with individual therapy and group therapy.

My question to you is did you try medication? That alone can hep very much and did you try therapy? CBT?

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I'm so grateful to you all for respondin'. Much love to everyone on this forum!!!! Seriously i love all of you. I'm goin through some sh*t right now but I'm staying strong, trying to. Everything's too much for me now. Like even going out being around people. Everything's sensory overload I just need time in nature or alone to soothe my nerves. I ******* need this so much and Haven't given it to myself its not very relaxing here. I live in a city in a noisy apartment the stress is everywhere you can never get away from people. I just need a break.

And to top it off I am having these feelings for like my best friend. ..I don't know I can't explain it or what they are, but I just like him so much. I always WANT to be around him and think about him all the time. Its intense. I don't get it. I don't think I'm gay but idk. He said he sort of feels the same way but he's interested in women, he doesn't want to get into that. My feelings are riding high right now everythin'gs so intense. I just , i don't know. This is so confusing because what I feel is not sexual. It isn't like I want to bang my best friend, nothing sexual at all infact I think its rather disgusting when the thought of it comes up which is why this is so confusing. Its like I love him , I love him so much...I just can't explain it.

Trying to hang on guys..things are hard as hell right now and confusing, to boot. I'll keep posted. He's the only one in this miserable stupid city that I give a d*** about or who cares about me. I think that's the reason my Platonic, bordering on intimate extreme feelings for him have developed. ..we love eachother and say it to eachother in texts all the time. And in person. Its confusing.

Edited by EastDream
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Hi East Dream,

Glad others stepped in to help you with your initial question. The riddle of anger is not one I feel qualified to solve, because I feel it too and I wish I didn't, that I was above such feelings. Some religions, such as Buddhism, claim to help their adherents minimize anger. A few years ago I bought the Book of Tao in hopes that it would help me solve this same problem but instead it put me to sleep? Now I know what to reach for when insomnia hits...

As for your other problem, try not to think of your feelings for your friend as a problem just yet. In fact, they may be a blessing. Have you explored this new territory with one another? It might be time for a frank discussion of what might be going on between you two. In any case, if he does not share your feelings, or you both determine your feelings are strictly Platonic, that sounds like a beautiful relationship, and one you should cherish.

Keep posting, and let us know how it goes with your struggle with anger (which is sounds like many of us share) and with your friend.

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Hey East Dream,

I just read your OP and all the answers you got. I think the people on this website are really great!

First I suggest you start seeing a therapist about your anger. None of us are professionals, we are fellow sufferers.

I have had bad problems with anger over the years, and although I still have anger, it is less. One thing I've learned is that in most cases anger is caused by not being in control of something. For instance, if someone you meet says something rude to you, and you seem to have a very over the top anger reaction, it could be caused partly by healthy anger with someone being a jertk, but also unhealthy anger caused by not being able to control that person and keep them from saying those things to you. Does that make sense? I'm not explaining it very well.

Look at some of the instances of when you became really angry. Are you angry about the situation or what was said? Or were you angry that you could not control that situation or person? Think about that the next time you start to get angry. Realizing that my anger comes from feeling a lack of control has really helped me get a handle on my anger.

I can feel in your writing that you have a lot of anger simmering right below your surface. I think it's a good idea to come to the DF and vent and get support, but I really recommend you make an appt to see a therapist or Dr.

I hope to talk to you again soon! ((((East Dream))))

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