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I Am So Sick Of Everyone Telling Me That I Caused My Depression Or To Think Positively And That Its My Fault


Icarus21

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I'm on the verge of suicide. I been depressed since I was 5 and never had a normal life. From birth to now I have been abused, bullied, mocked, judged, emotionally abused, and so on. I really cannot remember a day where I didn't have depression. I feel like I been trying for so long to get better. I improved a lot over the years and even though it doesn't seem like much its a big improvement for me. I'm trying to cope and find ways to deal with this. I cannot trust anyone anymore because I've been lied to and used so many times. My friends keep leaving me and people are getting sick of me being depressed. They don't want anything to do with it. I really only have my mother who cares. I am very lucky in that sense. I would be wrecked without her. But I have tried for 15 years and I am sick of people saying its you thats making you feel this way. The brain is very complicated and I do need to do more things like exercise more and eat better but I have done everything else. I've been on medication since I was 7. I been through countless number of therapists. I've talked to people about it and that well backfired. No one was there. I mean I do try ways to think positively and I do find positive things here and there like my mom and how I'm on disability and college paid for but I've been so emotionally scarred from day 1 it is hard to look past the bad. I do try I really really do. I hate being accused that this is all my fault. I have been so nice to people so much in life and all I did was give and give and everyone just took from me. I've always been there for people. I've been as fair as I could be. I'm definitely not perfect but I try. Getting out of bed is almost impossible these days, brushing my teeth is a chore, showering is a bigger chore, and even moving is starting to be a chore. I'm just so exhausted from trying to overcome this depression. I need a rest or a break. I'm in college right now and finals are coming up and have no time to take care of myself. I have less and less time with therapist and other professional help. All my therapist keep leaving. I see a school counselor but only see him twice a week now. I'm at my lowest point lately. I feel society is trying to change me and I do like the way I am. I do not hate myself. I am hard on myself but I think I'm a good guy. I feel pressured. I feel like I have to be happy all the time. I don't know where to turn. Running out of options.

Anyone feel the same way?

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Dstrange18, I think you are a very strong person. You are able to go to college and I think getting out of bed every day and doing necessary tasks is an accomplishment in itself. I really struggle with going to college (and I'm only taking one class!) so I know how much of a challenge it can be. I think it's great that you have your mom's support and that you're already on disability. You sound like a very caring person and I'm sorry people haven't been able to appreciate that.

Is there anything that gives you a break from fighting your depression all the time? Reading a good (comic) book or playing a game? Anything that can give you a mental vacation I've always found helpful. Try to hang in there and just be yourself, you don't have to be anyone else.

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I feel this way almost every single day, now. I felt like I could have written what it was you expressed above. I am also a guy and in college. So our situations are sounding kind of similar. I almost didn't get out of bed this morning. Just would have layed there until the day passed me by, staring up at the ceiling spacing. The depression is enormous.

I read an older post about this member talking about how they felt they were "too nice" and that this was causing their depression. I've often felt like the same way. I know it sounds really lame to say it, but it shouldn't - it just demonstrates what the values are placed on, and it is not being genuine and sincere or on goodness of soul. I've discovered myself a couple years ago and really found that when I stripped away all the crap that I was taught to be, all the things I did that weren't really me - when I really just started embracing and looking inward to what kind of person I am..that in my core I am honest, genuine and kind and warm/caring. And that is NOT a Popular way to be! Anyway, I wish I had this post..but I'm depressed as hell and its because the world just lets you down - constantly. I keep picking myself up from it, but its just always happening. People are so unkind so very often. Its hard to find anything of substance and we are all drowning of loneliness in a sea of other people.

Its just depressing. Try and find some nice people... and work on your anger if you have it. I know its a strange thing, I said I'm this genuine nice person, almost like Winnie the Pooh. I know that sounds lame but it isn't really. That's exactly how I'd describe that core of myself..its like that. I read that Tao book and they talked about that. About being like Pooh. Well anyway, it seems like alot when something disappoints me or people act stupidly or incosiderately I can just get this incredible sense of just being let down. Its being let down, again and again...and seeing things that don't have to be - like people can easily be nicer to eachother but they aren't. Just things like this, anyway and this terrible anger comes to me. It strikes from all the sadness I carry inside, from being a good person and not having it recognized or people just walking all over and take take taking...etc. Well it comes and I turn into a very vicious person - and its funny because people around me they don't understand where it came from.

So they all think it came from nowhere , and I must just be this "angry person". and I get labeled an angry person. Once again, people misunderstand something. Its incredibly frustrating. They don't see the good. They just see the external results of anger. Just try and be good, associate with good people, look for the positive. Try and have more positive experiences in your life - I know its hard. I know there aren't many. Just try to remain positive. And try to absorb that anger, or at least let it settle, just try to have a wide scope for this world and all its crap . There are good things to be found.

Edited by EastDream
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Hi Dstrange18,

Well congratulations for your attainments to date in spite of you early childhood experiences. You have a good opinion of yourself and that is very important. I have a great deal of admiration for people like you who just go on regardless and get moving - great.

Mental health issues are an invisible illness and people do not see you as disabled. When I was severely depressed and suicidila many people thought I could just 'snap out of it'as if!

Well I do hope in that that you get better naturally or with a more effective medication. Keep going on as you are doing the best you can for yourself.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Dstrange,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. As East Dream wrote, I feel like I could have written that post too... but I didn't. Thank you for putting words to the feelings some of us expereince. It is not easy going through what you have gone through, and to fight the good fight, get up out of bed each morning and do what you are doing.

It is incredible that you have the insight and knowing, that you are fine just the way you are and that you are a good person. Sometimes, in growing up with badckgrounds like some of us do, with so much abuse and so much ugliness, it is hard to feel that way about ourselves.

I am proud of you and the things you are accomplishing in your life. I hope you do meet people some day who are real, see the real you and can appreciate you for who you are.

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Hi,

Im very impressed that you are managing

to continue at college - that shows a great

deal of determination. I was wondering if you

were on any meds at this time. If so,

maybe they need some adjustment. I

dont know - it was just a thought. Im

glad you have your mom to support

you and I hope you feel better soon.

best wishes,

starr

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Thank you everyone so much who responded to this post. Its means so much. And I am extremely glad people could relate to this. I thought I was the only one.

DarkRain- Yes, usually I read a book or play video games and draw to keep my mind off things. Thank you!

EastDream- I'm glad you could relate to this somehow so you don't have to feel alone in this. I was saddened that you were going through the same thing. And I agree with what you stated. I hope we can both find the strength to hang in there!

Jimbow- Thank you for the post and the remarkable compliment. That means sooooo much to me. I do try to keep on trudging through life. I cannot let myself slip. And being a Social Worker is my passion. I cannot quit now. Even though most days are extremely tough. I am soooo glad you were able to get a little better. And I think it is time I need a change in medication. We will see and thanks again!

Govinda- just like East dream i'm glad you could relate to this in some way but sad that your experiencing this too. And thank you so much for the compliments. And I hope those people are out there too for all of us.

Starr-Thank you! Its not easy at all and its the worst my depression has gotten. I can't quit because I worked so hard to get myself to this point. I can't give up now. And I think I need a change in medication. i see my psychiatrist on the 15th of may i believe. And thanks again I hope so too.

I love each and everyone of you. I hope for the future people will show more acts of kindness and more understanding. I read in a mans story that he traveled to this 3rd world country and was shocked how these people who had so little to nothing were so giving and kind and were willing to make another house for a homeless person in a picture the guy showed them in his hometown. I will never forget the story. There is a sliver of hope left.

Best wishes

Kyreem!

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Kyreem,

Thank you for your thoughts and kind wishes to everyone.

What you say is so true. I once traveled to a third world country, and it ws culture shock! I felt so badly for these people and cried the first 2 days and then I learned a very important lesson. These people are not to be pittied, we can all learn so much from them. They are happy with the smallest amount of material things in their lives, they are content just to have food, a roof over their heads and eachother. Most would give you the shirit off thier back and the food on thier plate- even if it meant that they would have nothing to eat...

There is something to be said for simplicity and keeping it real. I somtimes feel like that is something we have lost in our American culture.

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