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Done Fighting My Depression...


frangipani

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Fighting my depression -- the constant rollercoaster of getting better and then falling down again -- has become the most painful part of my depression.

I'm wondering what life would be like if I just stopped fighting it.

I don't mean suicide. I mean just accepting my depression and not trying to get better anymore.

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I know the feeling, frangipani. The rollercoaster seems worse than the depression, to constantly have normalcy briefly in your hands to have it disappear the next day for no reason whatsoever. And even when it's there, the sinking feeling it won't be there long or the shadow of depression on your shoulder the entire time. I'm actually wondering if the reason I'm going through such a bad period right now is because I've gone so long without it being this awful. I'm "paying the piper" as it were.

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I have wondered the same thing, I feel like I have been on meds for so long and I get tired of taking them all the Time, it seems.

But I am afraid of what my depression will do to me since I was suicidal.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

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Hi Frangi

Accepting depression can sometimes be half the battle won, but it is about a balance of acceptance and doing what you can to cope with depression. I wish you the best of luck!

Trace

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Hi Frangipani,

Accepting depression is the most difficult but very important step towards improvement. Once you accept it you then start to be kinder to yourself and not be harsh and exacting all the time. That itself helps a great deal. Life will be a rollercoaster whether you like it or not - its important that you don't be harsh on yourself during your lows. Don't give up hope ..... and be kind to yourself ....

Take care,

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Hi, everyone, and thanks for your responses and kind words. Sorry for not responding to each of you individually, but I'm writing this from the hospital on my ereader. I decided to go the ER...wasn't feeling too safe tonight. Please keep posting if you have any thoughts on the topic. I appreciate what you all have to say.

Frangi

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Hi Frangi,

Accepting you have depression is one thing, giving up is another.

There are times I want to give up, but I will never stop trying to feel normal

I wonder why I have been burdened with this horrible disease, but I will never let it get the best of me.

You have the right to feel normal and live a happy life, always remember that. I know sometimes it's overwhelming, but you need to keep fighting.

Going to the ER was a good thing, you realized you needed help. That tells me you're not ready to give up.

Please keep us posted on your progress!

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I know exactly how you feel. I was really doing great earlier this year. I was beginning to feel confident. Then, I went on internship, and one person that I had to work with made me feel like I was the most flawed person that she ever met. Now, I am back on that downward slope. I just don't know what to do sometimes.

However, once I am finished with school and I have more free time on my hand, I am going to start looking for a new way to deal with depression. I will even try to seek a doctor that I won't feel scared to share my suicidal feelings with.

Edited by coolchild
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I've accepted it and let it just consume me. From experience I can tell you, you never escape the feeling of wanting to be better and wanting a better life. Sometimes you'll feel better off but for the most part your body and mind will fight you wanting to escape and be normal. Unfortunately...

Edited by RitaBrownEyes
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(((ArthurP))), (((Sandcrab))), (((Trace))), (((addict1968))), (((Nemesis44uk))), (((Onelightburning))), (((Moody Blues))), (((coolchild))), and (((RitaBrownEyes)))

HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!

Thank you so much for your well wishes and input. I got out of the hospital yesterday and am feeling better than I felt when I went in. Not much changed regarding my med cocktail, but the stay did serve as a wake-up call to the fact that what I've been doing in therapy lately hasn't been that effective.

Right now, I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. There are so many changes to be made in my life if I'm really going to recover from my illness. (And, actually, getting on the right path in terms of a sleep routine is one of those changes! Lol! What irony!)

*sigh* I still feel a bit lost and need to start writing things out. But I don't have the brain to do that tonight. I just wish I could sleep...

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Hi again frangipani,

I can relate to how you feel.. very well. I'm glad you got out of the hospital and the stay made you feel better. You are probably going through so many emotions right now it's even hard to describe them, and also making sleeping hard. I have had that sort of anxiety just lately too, and it doesn't feel good. The good thing is you are ready to move forward now, but you're probably wondering where the heck to go, and feeling very anxious because of that. The recovery doesn't come easy, I know that because I'm on the same path. But you have to start somewhere, and take little steps towards it. Remember to be easy on yourself and take one day at a time.

Keep writing here about everything if you wish, we'll be here to listen.

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frangipani,

I hope you are still doing well after your visit to the hospital. That takes so much courage, it's really amazing that you have enough self-awareness to take care of yourself. Awesome!

I just wanted to comment on your first post- the last line held a lot of meaning for me. When we struggle with depression it's inevitable that we feel like there is something "wrong" with us and that we are constantly fighting to get better. This is soooo exhausting! It makes me jealous of people who *seem* just to breeze through life....

Although this is a paradox I still think it makes sense: I also see value in accepting myself for who I am, even if that means I am a "depressed" person. To accept just being depressed, sad, angry and wanting to be alone without any expectations on myself to get better. When I frame it this way it's easier for me to see the perks of being depressed: having access to more creativity, appreciating the little things like the companionship of my cat and a friendly hello from a neighbour, and being able to connect with all the sadness in the world in a very deep way. Depression is isolating, but I also feel like it gives me a deeper connection to what it is to be human. Maybe you don't experience the same "perks", but can you, or anyone else, think of the positive side of being depressed?

This is no way an excuse for not getting help, or making an effort to get better, but I find this creates a more gentle and open space for healing to take place. I usually get launched into depression when I feel like my life is a failure and I'm a complete loser so this works for me. Don't get me wrong, I actively try to heal myself every day! But this acceptance seems to balance things out for me.

Also, I love the 10 rules you have in your signature- I have never come across these before!

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