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Hard Times, And Tough Emotions.


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Hi I am finally getting around to posting what I have been feeling recently.

Today I was just sitting around my friends. Just talking. Then moments later into the conversation I start feeling depressed. I was about to cry, but I moved into another room. It is hard to hold back the tears. I hurts my stomach just to try. I have tried telling some people specifically my family since I posted in the newcomers thread. My dad told me I was being spoiled and to get over it. My mom told me that she has enough problems of her own to listen to my whining. My sister called me an emo, and my older sister likes to take advantage of my moments of weakness. I find it hard trying to "stay strong." I have been grinding my teeth, and I have been biting my lip. My fingernails hurt from all the tapping on wooden surfaces. I dont mean to do these on purpose. I tell hundreds of lies a day. It is a reflex for me to lie. Every time someone asks how I am feeling I say I am fine. In my head I scream. I am not fine. I hate myself. In my teenage years I used to be self sacrificing. I was convinced I had traits of a martyr. Now I am older I realize I no longer care about sacrificing myself for others. I just see myself as the best target for the misery that others would suffer. (that last line was hard to type because of how I was raised. Even I think I am a wuss for thinking stuff like that....)

I am very well educated, In fact my major is psychology. I know that what I am feeling is just chemical imbalances in the brain. I keep telling myself that my life is worth living. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, friends to talk to, and computer to type on. I keep telling myself that I am blessed with a good heart, and smart mind. I keep telling myself that there are others who have it worse off than me (these preaching' s given to me every time I try to get help on these kinds of problems) No matter how much I tell myself. No matter how I try to convince myself that this is just a simple chemical imbalance. nothing works. I find myself sitting in silence for hours just thinking about this problem.

I have not eaten in about two days. I do not feel the need to eat either. I have not had a decent thought in my head for over 3 months. I used to play video games to have an outlet for my stressful times. Now those don't even work anymore.

I am glad I am alone atm typing this because tears are streaming down my cheeks onto my keyboard. I feel so pathetic right now. It is going to take alot of courage just to hit the "post new topic" button.

ten minutes later I am still looking at "preview post" I feel so unstable. I am spiraling out of control so bad... this one post took me almost an hour to write because just seeing myself like this makes me hurt so much. Why am I so weak... Why am I so inferior to everyone else..... hopefully my doctor can help me, because my mind is out of my control so much right now.

5 more minutes past, and I still can not manage to press the post button. What am I scared of? I guess I can not run forever. posting now.

ty for your time and ty for reading this.

Edited by Rocky209
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I am glad you hit the "post" button.

First of all, your family sounds like a horrible support system. =[ I hope you have good friends who are able to be there for you. Do NOT pay attention to the things your family says. One, the obviously do NOT understand what you're going through. Two, they don't sound like the nicest people in the world, which may very well be the reason you feel the way you do.

There is NO SHAME in the way you feel, sweetie. =[ *HUGS*

I am proud of you for doing the best you can!!!! You majoring in psychology! That is so impressive! ESPECIALLY because you have depression!

I hope, so very much, that you will someday stop listening to the crap that your family has to say, and start seeing what a wonderful person YOU ARE.

I know it's not easy... After years of thinking certain ways, creating certain thought patters, we have to retrain our brains, which feels IMPOSSIBLE! But, it's not. It took time for us to develop depression, and it will take time to reverse it. However, it can be done.

My biggest concern for you is a support system. You need to surround yourself with positive people who can show you love and concern, who can be there for you and encourage you.

I wish you the very best, hun.

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I'm also glad you hit post. You can get lots of support here. I find these boards to be very friendly and encouraging.

Your family does not sound like a good support system for you.

Do you see and pdoc and tdoc?

I hope you feel better soon.

Michele

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this forum is much more welcoming than I had expected. I scheduled a meeting with my doctor on Monday. Thanks for your support. I honestly had much more to say when I posted last night. I just could not bring myself to type it. I still can not bring myself to type it. but once again thank you guys for your time.

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I too am glad you hit the post button. "weak"? "inferior"? I think not. Your strength was apparent when you 'stopped running' and hit the post button.

Hope you let your doctor know exactly what you've written above. Good Luck and keep on signing in to DF.

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Hi Rocky,

I'm also happy you hit the "post button". There's a great group of people here to help you through the rough times.

You have depression and that does not make you pathetic, it makes you human.

Hopefully you'll find a solid support system right here, thank you for taking the first step and posting.

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it went well. I was not prescribed medication but recommended therapy. I hope this works out. I will be doing regular visits starting next week. I am starting to kinda feel better already. going to find the root of my problems and hopefully extinguish them. reading all these replies brings tears to my eyes. I have not felt this welcome in so many months. it is not a feeling I am so used to. ty guys. tysm for your time and responses.

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