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This Is Who I Am.


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I've come back to this several times with the intention of joining, and every time I backed away. I don't know why, but this is a reoccuring thing for me.

I have issues admitting I need help, and I have a near-inability to ask for it from anyone, even people who've never guilted me and have been nothing but supportive.

My boyfriend tells me every night before he goes to bed that if I need him, to wake him up. Every time I've done that, he sits here with me for hours until I calm down. He's never yelled at me, he's never done anything to make me feel unable to ask for help but I just CAN'T. He thinks thats my fathers fault, and it probably is, at least partially. I grew up under the "don't let them ever see your weakness" thing and I suppose it sunk it a bit deeper than necessary.

Combine that with the way I've been backstabbed and abandoned and hurt by almost everyone I've ever known...I just can't do it. He's been my friend for 7 years, and I STILL have to fight off the fear that he's going to hurt me. II hate it.

Its embarrassing, its emasculating, and its just ******* painful. To him, to me, to everyone.

I've been depressed more or less since I was about 9 years old and tried to commit suicide in a school bathroom. I was forced into Catholic school for 6 years, and it was awful. It was horrifying. I was abused throughout most of this stay, right up until seventh grade when I snapped and became incredibly violent.

I put two kids in the hospital, one of them was taken home with seizures and a possible concussion.

I've fallen into alcoholism three times in my life, first when I was about 12, most recently about two years ago. I sold my parents' CDs for drug money when I was in high school, begged people for drugs, didn't eat for days just so I could have the money to buy enough to self medicate. I've tried to **** myself more times than I can remember, most recently back in January.

I've had multiple concussions from headbutting walls and doors, from just trying to knock myself out and stop thinking.

I told my mother that I wish I was her miscarriage, that I'd died and they'd had a normal son instead of this ******* monster.

I realized I was transsexual three years ago, and despite the fact that almost EVERYONE I know is supportive of this, I still feel like a disgusting weight. I feel like a fake man. I feel like a lunatic, I feel like everyone who sees me just sees a ******* girl, and not a man, and I feel like that will never change. I want these weights off my chest, and I know they'll never be gone. I'll never roll out of bed and just throw a shirt on. I'll never go swimming in public, and I'll always shrink back from meeting new people because of this stupid, ugly curse. Because I'm a living joke. because I'm a living lie.

I think back on this s*** and feel like I have no RIGHT to be happy, I have to right to accept myself or anything about me, and it just...

It just hurts. It hurts like I still can't believe.

And its terrifying now more than ever, because despite having two partners that I adore, despite accomplishing some of my biggest goals, I feel so ******* hollow.

I feel so empty. I don't even have that numbing, roiling rage to fill in the void anymore. I feel so constantly, permanently cold. Everything hurts. I'm exhausted constantly, even though I'm getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night (compared to my usual 3-4). I'm smoking more and more, I'm aching to start drinking again, and I've become more antisocial than I ever thought I could.

I only go out at night, and even then its rare. I ignore phone calls from my best friends, I've even stopped checking in on the forum I run. I lie to everyone. I have a constant "cold", that's why my voice is so scratchy. I have a "flu", that's why my eyes are puffy and I haven't been eating.

I don't know what to do anymore. I DO feel happy sometimes, almost deliriously so. Sometimes I feel so genuinely, purely happy that I almost forget this state I always come back to and that scares me. Its taken me forever to say it, but it scares the hell out of me.

This is me. 22 years old, gay trans man, piece of loathsome trash. I don't expect to be wanted or liked here, most people think I'm the scum of the earth just because of some biological joke that was played on me. This is me, not even 30 years old and so ******* tired of everything that its almost comical. This is me, absolutely terrified of hurting the ones I love and yet itching, desperate to wage a war on this excuse for a body that I live in.

Edited by AquaViolet
triggers
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Toska,

Big hugs from an old momma bear. I can't relate exactly to what you are going through, but when I was young I watched friends in similar situations go through many similar kinds of thoughts about themselves because they weren't born into one of the standard human sexuality categories. I wish there were something I could say to help you with what you are going through, but the only thing I can tell you is that you are not trash or scum of the earth because of your biology. I'm sorry that you are going through this and you have value.

I know that there are therapists out there who specialize in supporting people with gender issues. Are you in therapy? Sometimes it's easier to get all of this out with a professional so we don't feel like we are being such a burden on those we care about/that care about us. The fact that you have two people in your life that care for you says you are worthwhile.

Best wishes.

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My best friend in the whole world is gay. I know that it's not the same as being transexual but some of the things these two groups go through externally are the same. I stood by him no matter what and i even got into a few fights making sure people got the point: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING DIFFERENT. I helped him dress in drag for prom and when they almost wouldn't let him in I threatened to call the news stations. I guess what I'm saying is, I know that you;re hurting and that you feel like this loathsome pos but you're not. Not even close. I beleive that some people were born different because they are supposed to make the world better. Even if it's only one persons world or their own world. You are a beautiful person and it sucks so much that you are going through all this. Just know that there are more people like me out there who accept you for who you are and wouldn't want you to change for the world. I send you big virtual hugs and hope that this shows you that even though you feel this way, you are still capable of being loved and wanted.

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I honestly didn't expect a warm reception, thank you guys for proving my initial suspicions wrong. It means a lot to me, it really does.

onmyown, I'm (unfortunately) not able to see a therapist. I don't work, and we don't have much money. There's a lot of other factors around why, its long and miserable and really confusing, but the only doctors I've been able to see are at the free clinic.

The worst part is the closest gender specialist is something like 2-3 hours away, and none of us have a car or even a D*** license. I'd honestly love to get back into therapy, it helped when I was in high school, but I don't see any way I even could right now. And I DO need to eventually get there somehow, if I'm ever going to even have half a hope of getting my surgery.

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Hi Toska,

I think the people on the DF are so wonderful! I'm glad you are here now, too! We are a very supportive and non-judgemental group.

I'm sorry to hear you are not able to afford a therapist. Does the free clinic not have a therapist also?

Maybe you should check on Amazon, or at your local public library, to see if there are any books out there for transsexual people. I have never helped anyone look for material in that area, but I'm sure there's stuff out there.

I would like to suggest you start journaling. Some people find this helpful, but some don't. Try it for a week or so and see what you think. Since you can't get to a therapist, I think writing down your thoughts and feelings might help some. Write whatever you feel like, about anything.

I think maybe learning about meditation could help. There are lots of books out there about meditation techniques. I like walking meditation myself, but each person needs to figure out the style that works the best for them.

And, of course some sort of exercise might help blow off some steam and frustration.( I should take my own advice!) I always opt for walks when the weather is good.

I don't know what else to say to you Toska. I can't say I understand what you are going through, because I don't. You are in an extremely difficult situation, and I think you have been handling it in the best way you can. You are a good worthwhile person and you need to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that.

We care about you, and we want to help you figure all this out and get better. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

((((Toska))))

Edited by LibraryLady
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Toska, spilling out your emotional guts like that takes courage. Your boyfriend sounds very supportive, sounds like a wealth of understanding at your fingertips, and you should really, really think about opening up to him. Writing a letter helps to get the words across. X

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You're boyfriend sounds like an amazing person as well. It's always really important to have at least one person you can talk to about all of these things and the fact that he is there for you no matter what makes me really think you have nothing to worry about. He sounds like a very loyal and pure hearted man and you're lucky to have him :) Opening up is never an easy thing. It's scary and tummy turning. Even when someone tells you they won't judge you it's still scary. But honestly, your man sounds like he is ready to help you through hell and back. I'd give him and yourself a little more credit and share your heart out. I'm sure you'll feel better :) My best friend who I spoke about earlier is my rock right now. My fiance has not been supportive at all. I've been trying to keep this all away from my future step son and he takes that as me flaking and not loving him as much as he thought I did. When in reality, it's because I love both of them so much that I am trying to keep his son out of this. He's too little and he doesn't need to see me like this. I hope you have a good day today! ((hugs))

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Hello Toska

You've obviously seen already by the previous posts that you are NOT going to be judged or looked down upon here at DF! I echo the comment about the tremendous courage you exhibited by opening up here. You are a person worthy of love and respect, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Peace,

Tim

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@LibraryLady, there are a LOT of books out there. I've thought of buying one but always shyed away, not entirely sure why. I've been on several trans support forums and I've always felt just a huge disconnect from most of the others there, which makes no sense. There probably IS a therapist at the free clinic, but I haven't even come close to working up the courage to ask. I had to ship something out at the post office today and-this is so pathetic-that was almost too much for me. My depression has subsided a bit, but my freakish amounts of social anxiety are into the stratosphere.

@Catagea & lostandalone, he is. God, he really is. I'd be lost without him, in every possible sense of the word. He's incredible, has always been just so supportive its almost scary. The lostandalone, the way you are with your future step son is kind of how I am with my mom, we used to be incredibly close but ever since I started spiraling again I've gotten extremely distant. I hate it, I wish I could just pour and scream it all out to her, but I'm so afraid of what it'd do to her. She blamed herself for years that I was suicidal, even though it was never her fault (she was the only thing that kept me going through catholic school).

I just wish I had the guts to vent like this to anyone other than my boyfriend IRL. There are a lot of things going on right now, it'd take me months to explain all of it, that I would love to be able to fix or at least manage but its just...its just too much, you know? Too many things, too many chains holding too much together. All it takes is one slip, and it all goes down in flames, and I'm so scared of that.

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Being afraid to let go and really try to help yourself is the hardest thing to get over. You just have to understand that once you do let go and you pour your heart out and you cry and you scream and you kick your feet and slam your fists and completely lose it, you will feel so much better. Talking is a wonderful therapy. Even talking on here. Seeing concretely how your feeling in writing is a big thing that has helped me in the past. Writing brings everything into perspective and so does talking. I know it's hard but maybe your mother will understand if you ask her to sit down and pour your heart out. I know that if my step son needed to have me listen to him and help him through something this hard I wouldn't ever refuse him or judge him. I may not have given birth to him but I love him like he was my own son. Maybe even more than that. He's incredible. And your mother sounds like she loves you the same way I love James. Open up to her. :)

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Hello Toska,

Like everyone else here I think you are very brave indeed. It is not an easy road ahead of you, but you have your partner, and your own determination and strength, and now you have us on DF to support you as well.

I hope you find the help you need and I hope you feel better about your life very soon. And you should be proud for all you have achieved so far :)

Take care,

Meirionne

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