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Depressed Boyfriend...confused. :/


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I'm sure this is going to be SUPER long...sorry in advance.

Over a year ago I met a guy online who I instantly felt a connection with. This was really odd for me and I've never really been into the whole meeting people online thing. We talked for awhile then finally he asked me to hang out. After debating it for a few days I decided to go for it. I was so glad I did. That connection was even stronger in person. I'd never felt that way about anyone so suddenly, but we took it slow. We got to know each other really well then after a couple months we became "official".

He was really open about everything. We would talk for hours and hours about our pasts, what we hoped for the future, etc. He admitted very early on that he suffers from depression and anxiety. He told me he was on medication for it. This totally shocked me. He was by far the most normal guy I'd ever met. He seemed like he had a really good head on his shoulders. He was really attentive and made me feel like the most important thing on the planet. He even had a lot of female friends and kept in contact with a lot of ex girlfriends (something that would normally drive me insane...i have terrible jealousy issues) but he was so open and sweet, I trusted him totally. Something very odd for me. But once I got to know his family better, I could see where his issues came from. His mom had him when she was a teenager. His dad was a lot older. They married for the sake of their baby, but it wasn't a happy home. His father was an alcoholic. Apparently so bad that he would verbally and physically abuse his mom...

was so drunk he'd pee around the house and things.

They divorced when he was young, luckily. His mom is bipolar. She is on medication for it, but still has her moments. His father is now in AA getting help and seemingly happily remarried. His mother bounces from man to man..never staying committed, always cheating.My boyfriend sometimes drinks more than I like, but I wouldn't say it's an issue. He does seem to be able to control himself and its never affected his life.He only really drinks before bed. And he has never ever been close to abusive. He's actually a very sweet, sensitive guy.

Then, after a few months I guess I got too comfortable. When he mentioned things about his past I'd suddenly hold it against him. For example, he admitted he tried drugs once and I freaked. At the time I thought I was right in feeling that way. Then I noticed he became less and less open. I couldn't figure out why so I assumed it was that he was up to something so I acted even dumber.

He also used to be VERY affectionate, wanted to talk and hang out all the time and I admit I pushed him away some. He'd mention moving in together, and I'm sure I seemed kinda freaked. Then, I noticed he was distancing himself and I was the one becoming very needy and trying to be super affectionate to make up for it. Again, at the time I couldn't figure it out. Thought something must be up.

January is when we started bickering a good bit. He was very stressed at work. Talked about how he hated his job...felt like a failure...wanted to go back to school, but thought it was too late for him..that he couldn't do it. I tried to be supportive, even with all of the bickering. Told him I'd help him, but he just couldn't stop being hard on himself. I wouldn't say we had any major fights then. And usually he would blame himself and apologize a million times. we've had our ups and downs with his depression before. he would distance himself some out of nowhere...but he always took it out on himself, never me. He would talk about how he wasn't good enough for me...couldn't love me properly, but after a couple days he'd seem wayyyyyy better.

Then, about a month ago we had our first big fight. I think our feelings had been built up and we both just snapped. We were both really stressed and I think we both let it out on each other.plus, i noticed that he'd been spending a lot more time online talking to people....including girls. they seem to flock to him. Plus he seemed like he was really unhappy with everything in his life.This was the first time, though that he acted like he couldn't get over it.I had messed up one too many times. He told me to give him space so he could figure out if he wanted to be with me. He said he loved me, but didn't think we could work so he needed time.He said it was the first time in awhile he was in the middle of a major depression episode. I freaked thinking it was over so every couple days I would try and make him talk which only backfired. We'd end up fighting more. Finally, I tried the nice approach. Instead of trying to get him to talk about us, I would just send him little sweet texts and things. Nothing major. I noticed him warming up after about 2 weeks and then I sent him a long message apologizing. I admitted that I let my jealoust get the best of me. He's a good guy. I trust him. So, Im working on my confidence so we can work. He replied said how much he loved me and we started going back to how we used to be. it actually felt like he was trying hard for the first time in awhile. Like we were both 100% invested again. Then.....I messed it up

About a week after we were back to normal we went to a bar with some friends.

i got really drunk. Don't even remember, but he says I randomly started yelling at him and even tried to slap him.

I rarely drink so this isn't normal. I also think there is never an excuse for violence. I felt so awful that i kept apologizing a million times. He told me to leave him alone. This was by far the angriest he's ever been, but I kept pushing cause I felt so badly. Finally he snapped and said "F*** it. I'm done." I begged him to stop. he said "i'm making my own space. maybe i'll change my mind later, but leave me alone." the next day he changed his relationship status to "it's complicated". We had no contact at all until yesterday. One of my closest friends told me that he messaged her asking if i was okay friday. She then tried to convince him to talk to me. He said "I don't think I can' take it anymore". I finally decided a week was enough space so I sent him a long message apologizing for everything. Not just that night, but for getting mad at him for silly things, nagging him, training him to be distant, etc. I finally realized just how much my behavior has affected him. He never replied. so yesterday morning I called him at work..knowing he'd have to answer the phone. At first I kept it lighthearted, he seemed okay. then i asked if he read the message ".......yeah" "what do you think?" "idk...i'm busy" "can you reply to it later?" "yeah...eventually..." "soon?" "i have to go" "can we talk about it later today" "i'll text you or something...bye" "i love you" "bye" "i love you" "*mumbles*love you"

I gave in and texed him later when I realized he wasn't going to text me. I asked "i know you need space and that you're confused, but don't you think the only way you'll be able to make a decision is if you see i've actually changed? that requires seeing me. why don't we hang soon?" "no. i'm not ready." Then today i decided to try the nice approach again. i texted him "happy easter! :) i got you a basket with some really nifty stuff in it" he just replied with "you too" more than I expected, actually.

now....i realize after reading the book Depression Fallout that everything I've done is the total opposite of how I should handle his depression. I only make it worse. But I don't get how a week later he can still be so mad at me. I get that what I did was wrong, but I feel like this is getting crazy. it's only been a week, but it feels like its been 10 years. I feel like I'm wasting my time and he'll never forgive me. ever. I know we haven't been together long, but I love him more than anything and he is a really amazing guy. I know that depression messes with peoples perception so all he can focus on is the negative so he's confused and doesn't think we can work. but how can i possibly convince him otherwise? should i keep doing the nice approach? stop pushing for a talk and just send little sweet things? send something sweet every couple days? maybe then he'll see the positive....or do i give him all the space he wants? will he actually come to me when he's ready or will he keep being super stubborn? I feel like even if he REALLY wanted to...he wouldn't come to me first. I'd have to go to him. I feel like i'm going crazy.....I know he isn't playing games when he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me at all, but it kills me every single time.....i just feel so confused. i'm so scared that he's just totally done and will move on while I'm still here waiting for him. :/

i have tried to use this break to better myself. I joined a support group for my jealousy issues. I already feel a million times better and feel silly for all the time I wasted being jealousy or angry at him for dumb things. i just don't know how to react or feel anymore. I feel like every step or choice I make is the very worst thing I could do. and i'm sure some of y'all will probably say I should get out while I can or give up or something, but I really don't want to consider that option right now. I want to give this my all first. I know if I don't try my hardest to make this work and just give up right now...I'll regret it forever. I just really want some insight from people who have been through this or are depressed themselves. any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

Edited by nocturneangel
Violation of TOS
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Hi Sarahsmiles

I think it is awesome that you are working on yourself. Unfortunately I don't think this is all down to depression, it sounds like he is feeling fairly hurt and uncomfortable with what you have said and done and that will make most people back off. I think he just needs time, sometimes a week is not enough. Give him time to work out how he feels, he obviously cares about you deeply, but is very upset. Work on yourself for you and not for him, it will help you in many ways, including all relationships.

Keep being there for him, but perhaps try to not send him so many messages, it can appear as if you are desperate, which may also make him back off some more.

Trace

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thank you so much for the advice.

i think you're right that i've spent so much time focusing on the depression that i totally didn't take the time to realize that i truly hurt him....even if he hadn't been already feeling low he wouldve still been hurt.

i need to focus on myself and better myself so i'm in the process of trying to see a therapist.

then hopefully time will heal some things and we'll be able to work things out.

again, thanks so much!

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You sound like a good person and seems like your heart is in the right place but your actions have hurt him and made him uncomfortable. I find it uplifting that you’re choosing to work on yourself. After reading your story, I really hope you are able to eventually work things out with yourself and everything else. He sounds like a good guy, and you sound like a good girl. Hopefully, things work out for the two of you. Just give it some time, learn more about yourself and think carefully about how to approach things in the future. Best wishes!

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