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I'm New.. Depressed For 4 Years.


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Well I'm a 20 year old girl.. I'm depressed for almost 4 years now.

I'm doing a little better though then I use to do. I've lost 30 lbs and for the first time in my life I can say I feel pretty. I have also started college this year, I've made new friends and my grades are good but I am still far from happy.. I'm still feeling miserable about myself. I feel I'm worthless and not good enough and I will never find someone who will love me (I've never even kissed wich is bugging me a lot) If I think about it I burst into tears.. I cry all the time and I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach most of my days. Not just because of that but also over my whole life, I feel it's not even close on how I want it to be and I can't change it no matter how hard I try,

I'm tired of ppl thinking I'm having such a great life. I feel ppl just don't take me seriously, I've told my new friends I am not feeling good and they didn't even believed me. When I tell my friends I am worried to end up alone they say I need to stop being so negative.. Even worse is that counselors don't take me seriously either. I've been to 2 who don't think I'm "worse" enough to take me in. Two weeks ago I finally got a new recommendation for a therapist and she will contact me after Easter. I'm glad with that but I'm also so scared, what if she doesn't take me seriously either, also I've been to 2 other therapists before as well wich didn't went very well.. I'm just so scared nobody can help me and I will always feel like this :( I'm working on my depression for 4 years now and it's still there, some periods I am doing well but then it "suddenly" comes back and I feel worse then ever.

Although I have great support from my parents I still wasn't able to completely get rid of this wich makes me feel very weak. I don't really know how to deal with my inner pain anymore so some time ago I've

started to pinch and scratch myself untill it burns,

I know it is SO wrong but it makes me feel calm and in some way I feel I need to punish myself..

I don't want to do it but I just want the pain to stop. I just want to live instead of feeling I'm watching everyone live while I have to watch then behind a window. I just want to be happy! That's what I want but I'm terrified I will always be a sad unloved person :(

So well, I don't really know what I expect by posting this.. I guess I just needed to get it all out since I'm feeling so bad now. Thanks for reading. Any support is greatly appreciated.

Edited by AquaViolet
TOS, trigger
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Hi Broken_girl, and welcome to DF! We are glad to have you here. This is a wonderful community, filled with kind caring people, who can relate, and offer you emotional support.

I encourage you to see a doctor about your depression, as it is very treatable with the right medications.

There is a lot of good information about depression here on this forum, and the people here are wonderful!

Please make yourself feel at home here, take a look around the site, and post wherever you feel most comfortable.

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Hi Broken Girl and Welcome to DF,

What stands out for me is that you have spent a great deal of time (4 Years) in turmoil and not enjoying your life like you should.Are you on any m3edication for your problems or have you just been managing on your own with some therapy.

A big part of your problems sound like low self esteem, lack of self worth and love for yourself. Now this can just be a mindset issue or other mental health issues - depression?

Something that will make a start to get you feeling differently is a change of perception on who you really are. I am a great believer of the powerful energy of the mind to turn things around with the correct beliefs, determination and a sincere unconditional love for yourself.

The key is that you are unique, have tremendous opportunities and everything to look forward to, the other truth is that you do not believe you are entitled to it? What you now need to do is turn this situation around so it works for you and not against you. Start ringt now and here:

I want you too find somewhere to relax. Then I want you to make a picture (visualisation) of yourself in the future completely better. make this a real as life picture. See yourself feeling really good about yourself, having real fun and loving yourself and your life. Now put in all the sounds, colours and feelings. This is the real you in the near future.

Now start to think about yourself as a wonderful and loveable person who loves herself unconditionally. You are a good and caring friend to everyone and people love you because of your caring nature.

You mind will always believe what you sincerely believe about yourself. So start to have a sincere and honest opinion of yourself which is you are a loving, caring and sincere person. You unresolved conflict.ld opinions were caused by low self esteem. Let these old feelings go as you breath in deeply and feel yourself fill up with new energy.

Every day take time out to run through this future you. Take time to love and care for yourself as the wonderful and unique person you are. Build up you self esteem by loving yourself and believe you deserve the best.

Take life as it comes and enjoy every moment. Be passionate about doing everything with a sense of love and have high expectations of meeting someone you will love in time.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Well no I am not on medication now and I've never been. Sometimes my mom brings me these, well I call them "nature" pills from a regular store who are suppose to calm me down but they never work. I've asked for real pills and my mom as well but they just say I can do it alone because I am a "strong" person.. Uhm ok, if I could do that I would have done it 4 years ago already. Plus I am a "strong" girl? So ppl who take medicine are weak then? That is just stupid because it is not true. Like I said they just don't take me seriously, I've heard a lot these are just normal things for my age to deal with. Well ok even if they are I still can't deal with it normally. I cry all the time and I just feel hopeless about my future.

And yes I do have very low selfesteem. Because I was overweight I've been bullied quiet a lot and even some family told me I was fat and needed to loose weight, it totally crushed my confidence. I always hid myself and wore these big baggy clothes. Well this summer I decided I was just done with it so I lost like 30/33 lbs, I feel great about it and I also feel much healthier. When it comes to this I made a good step because I just wear whatever I like now.

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hey, im new here as well - i was also really overweight (still am!) through high school and know how awful the bullying can be. its like people think if you are fat you arent even human - im sure you look great now, and more importantly its whats on the inside that counts :)

ps kissing isnt even that great... plus now your in your twenties, the first person you kiss will likely be good at it! my first kiss resulted in him licking my chin :(

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^^ I'm sorry to hear that. It's just aweful to bully a person because he's overweight, why would someone do that? Well I don't know about looking great, I just look average now ;) I only have to loose a few more pounds and then I'm oficially out of the "overweight zone". It's just I don't feel any diffrent. During my HS years I always thought loosing weight and looking pretty would make me happy but I still feel the same. Like I said I wish I could see myself through the eyes of the ppl who give me compliments.. But yeah I have faith it will happen one day. Indeed what's on the inside matters, it's just so annoying ppl always seem to focus on looks. I'm sure you are a great person! If you want to loose weight you can do it, just start with small steps :)

Oh ok, that's awful.. Yeah I hope it will be good, I've waited SO long xD

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Do me a favor and look into a mirror. Look at yourself and tell yourself that you're pretty. That no matter what anyone says, no matter how harsh and cruel it was, that it's in the past and this is the new you. You're a beautiful girl who will be able to accomplish her dreams and has a successful future ahead of yourself. I've been through the bullying, low self-esteem and all that comes with that, as well as the lack of love. But trust me, you're going to find someone who will love you for you. Someone who will understand you, help you, and make you feel good about yourself. Everything will work out, you've just got to keep striving for it and even when you hit a rough spot, keep on going. Don't let anything or anyone get you down. This is your new life, live it to the fullest.

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I really believe in saving up for quality therapy and getting on a waiting list. 225 dollars a session is WORTH IT. I swear. It isn't worth it for a pair of jeans, its worth it for something that will save your well being. Go to the world renouned people and wait for a few months. Find out what disorder you have, look up the world renound places for that diagnosis. They will help you so much. by worl renowned I mean... top 20 or so in the country. Mine is penn behavioral medicine... I think.. i don't know I have adhd. I know there are quite a few "world renowned" places for adhd. I know cleveland clinic, mayo clinic, are all good ones. I'm sure there are quite a few for your disorder. Get on the waitin list!My dad found the penn one. I'm not sure how he knew, but they are so good. just went to an apt today and they were voted top something in the country (saw it on a sign) outside the office.. which was the wrong door.. anyway..

Edited by grace286
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Hi broken_ girl!

Wow, not much I can add to the great responses you've received. Jim bow, I am going to start adding that exercise to my regimen - brilliant!

Congrats, broken_girl, on losing the weight! Outstanding :-) I hope you build on that momentum and realize that you are a beautiful person with the ability to accomplish whatever you wish in this life.

As far as love and meeting someone - you are young! It will happen.

Peace,

Tim

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Hi Broken Girl,

Welcome to DF.

It's great that you have joined us and asked for advice and sharing. I think a new therapist and possibly some medication may help you, but I am no Dr. My aughter is 17 1/2, and was on Lovan (Prozac ) for 18months. She, like you is a very strong person, who had / has an illness. There is nothing to be ashamed about in trying medication, if it is needed.

Youare obviously an intelligent, cating person. Don't try looking for love. Be friendly to those people you like, and someone worthy of your attention will appear. In the meantime, focus on you and feeling better. Journalling can also help you deal with your emotions.

Take care

Leebux

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Yeah I know, I'd like to get some medication and I've asked about it but like I said they just don't think it's nessesary. They think I can do it by myself, but honestly I feel I'm not strong enough for that.. I mean otherwise I wouldn't be struggeling with this for quiet a long time now.

Yes I do journaling already :) I've been doing it for 4 years now and it helps me to organize my thoughts. I just love writing now and the best is I can do it whenever I want to!

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