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Can We Change Life-Long Traits?


Whimberry

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(mods, please delete this if you think it makes me unsafe, ...)

i have a problem, because, i have lifelong traits that are exactly what a predator sees and searches out for.

i am naturally naive, passive mostly, vulnerable, very low self-esteem, too nice, don't think anyone would be attracted to me(which is false), wanting to please, shy, if i love the person enough the relationship will be good, easily influenced, bad boundaries, nurturing to the wrong people, shame, self-doubt, wanting to be rescued or to rescue, motivated by others instead of myself, not good at saying 'no', etc...

can i change these things, especially if life-long??? i can hide them sometimes. i can stay inside so no one sees them. i physically protect myself. i can become a black belt, i suppose.

but, even i can almost smell the vibes i give off in real life. i do try to walk with my head held high, arms swinging at my side, swiveling my head side to side, on alert, high alert. i heard to act like a cat does when they go outside, so careful like that.

but, i've also heard people don't really change, not really.

it is desperately depressing. anyone know if it's possible to change?

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Hi Whimberry. I share most of the things you describe about yourself. People who "prey" on others will find any reason to hurt them. Just because you are shy or have low self-esteem or are too nice is not assurance you are a perfect candidate for bad people to hurt. Those people will find anyone they can, regardless of traits. I wouldn't call what you describe as TRAITS either, that implies it's been determined for you. You can *always* change. Always. It's just very hard to do a lot of times. But anything is possible. That's what I firmly believe.

I would try not to focus too much on this. Just be safe, be careful... these are natural things to want to be. But don't become overly obsessed with it. That will make you feel much worse.

And also, a lot of what you describe are GOOD things. What's wrong with being passive or naive or too nice or nurturing? You just have to learn not to let people take advantage of you. How to channel those good qualities into positive avenues.

People can always change. :)

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thank you very much.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.(are on my mind)....just have had a lot of people plow right through them.

will try hard not to obsess, you are right, that can't be a good thing.

and i was in therapy specifically for learning how to say no, and did see a lot of progress on that. some people won't take no. sorry, i don't mean to be so negative.

okay, forward march here. :smile:

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i wanted to just accept your view on being spotted by predators, but, i know that, in fact, they do see easy victims....

just like a pedophile goes after children who are alone, loners, etc...

i am want they look for, i know that to be true....

and i'm scared.

can't turn off the fear. too recent experience with it.

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