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Naretari

Is He Gay? I Can't Make Him Happy...

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I don't care who is my real boyfriend, I'd do anything to actually make him happy... (I'm a girl btw, and bisexual) But I'm not even sure he likes women. He's the type who could deny it to himself. I won't lie, he's my first (kind of) and it would hurt if he's gay, but it hurts even more to feel that someone I care so deeply about has a huge problem and I can do nothing. I'm worried sick, every single day, and some stories I've heard of health problems that could be related to it don't help at all.

Soooo...

Why I think he may be gay:

-We never had full-on sex up to now, and we’re one and half year together. The first 6 months he acted crazy for me (sexually), but it was physically painful for me. I solved that via hymen surgery, but then he distanced himself physically for almost a year, with only some rare sex games helping me to be patient. A week ago I started crying on him, he said he had an anxiety problem (work and stuff-he almost started crying on me too) and promised to take care of it. Now he seems to have fought his drawbacks and to have all the will to do it, but even if he does, I still don’t know why he seems to want it mainly to keep ME happy. He did tell me he felt bad about it as a man some of the failed times, but now all he's telling me is "you don't deserve such behavior from my side" and "I promise to make you happy every day" as if he won't do it for himself.

-He doesn’t have many friends, the only one I've personally seen all this time is a cousin. And we're talking of a guy who is acting as if I'm marriage material (I don't worry too much about marriage, he's more of a home person than me)

-When he tries to act funny he usually uses female voices and moves. He seems to have a little too much fun joking that way, he does it every time when he's around me and feels relaxed enough to joke. He'd love to play gay roles at the theater too.

Why I don’t think he’s gay:

-When we’re at bed, he likes to look at my face and feel my body on him. He loves my legs too.

-He hugs and kisses me all the time, he really seems to be the sweetest and most caring guy in the world. (He IS warmer when we’re out with friends, but that could be because he’s happier and expresses it)

-Our sexual problems could be because of some problem of him, he seems to have difficulties at ejaculating.

I don't know what the hell is going on. Please give me some opinions...

Edited by Spiritual_Wanderer

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Hi Naretari. I don't necessarily think what you described makes him gay. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. Maybe he is very intimidated or inhibited by sex. That would explain the difficulties with him "finishing." Maybe he feels guilty *because* he has sexual dysfunctions and that is why he seems disinterested. I don't know. Maybe you need to have a talk and let him know you are confused about the way he acts to you.

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As an asexual, I feel at pains to point out that disinterest in women =/= interest in men. I'm not saying he can't be gay but nothing you've said actually gives any evidence to say he's sexually interested in men.

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Thanks for your replies :)

Spiritual Wanderer, I've tried to talk to him about it but I didn't go far. He closed the subject saying "of course I do it for myself too" and similar stuff. Not too convincing after all this time. I'm at the verge of breaking up to tell you the truth, not because I don't love him but because I can't take it anymore. Maybe I should tell him straightforward how close I am to breaking up, and ask him to tell me what the real problem is?

Pandoren, good point. I haven't thought of the possibility of him being asexual, mainly because at the first months we were together he didn't behave like an asexual, in any aspect. Maybe something I don't know about happened in the meantime?

So, I guess he could be female-ish (his face is a little female-ish too) yet still liking women? I saw the term "metrosexual" around the internet, perhaps that could be the case (though I'm not sure I understand the term too well yet...)

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We kind of did it last night (I'm not sure if it counts as first time, but won't get into details). It was weird for some reasons. For esample, he seemed to like it, but when it was over he asked "had I to do this for you to appreciate me?" Then we started warming up again, but he had a phone call from his job and had to leave within 15 mins, he asked if he could go later but the guy in the phone said no. What's weird is that, although I do know he has lessons early at saturday/sunday, I didn't listen to the call. Also, I was thinking of other guys when we started, and though I'm glad he FINALLY did something without hesitation, I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore.

The guy's gonna drive me insane, I swear. Did any of you have such a weird relationship or am I the only one???

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I mean, I'm no expert at relationships but from what you are describing it sounds to me like he could be gay. Even if he is not gay, his behavior is very odd and if he refuses to talk about his strange attitudes toward sex with you, I wouldn't blame you if you broke up with him.

Yes, I suppose he could be asexual, inhibited or ashamed. (Or he could definitely be gay.) The point is that communication needs to happen soon. If he retreats from that, you have a real problem on your hands: someone who can't or won't address the issue of sex in a relationship, which is a very important question that deserves a serious dialogue.

The reason why I think he is gay is that I acted the same way in my heterosexual relationships before I came out. I was all over the person from the waist up, just very affectionate, but when it came time to go below the belt I used to panic and one time I even cried. I also used to force the other person out of my bed as fast as I could, or I'd leave in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. If your bf is doing any of the above to you.... major red flags.

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Oh... that... doesn't sound good.

Thanks a million for telling me, I'll keep it in mind.

He is a person who panics relatively easily (because of overthinking stuff), so I'm confused about the reasons he could be sexually anxious. There are times he loses his focus for minor reasons, and cannot figure out whether it's an excuse or not. Same goes for his body reactions, there are short times he's obviously manly and others (the most) he's just all over me, kissing and stuff. He never forces me out of the bed though, he seems to really like sleeping over, he just won't go all the way down on me unless I beg or something.

And yeah, I do have a MAJOR problem!

I probably need to make a list of questions on the topic for him... I need to try and ask in a way that won't hurt him, though, no matter what he's trying to hide it can't be easy for him.

Edited by Naretari

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Hope I helped, in some way! Remember as you start talking to him about this, that no matter what it turns out to be-- he's asexual, gay, whatever the case may be-- that it's his own issue and it is not you. I'm sure you are beautiful and loveable and desirable, it's just that he can't show his appreciation for those qualities in an affirming way due to something operating within him. I always feel badly for partners of people who have an incompatible orientation, because it can do a number on their self-esteem, some of them. Maybe you're confident enough to get through whatever happens with ease, I don't know. Just wanted to give a little disclaimer there.

I also didn't mean to scare you. For all I know he could have a perfectly acceptable explanation that isn't what I mentioned. Your idea about writing a list of questions is spot-on. That will help the two of you get to the bottom of this, I'm sure.

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Don't worry, I've been scared for a long time already... I can hardly see anything good coming out of this.

Thanks, you're very sweet! (Your guy must be a lucky one :) ) I'm currently away from him because of holidays, so I'm recovering. We're speaking through phone, but we don't have much to say-it's kind of awkward, and in the end I always find an excuse to close the phone early. I hope I don't look like a b*tch, doing that :p

I'll wait till I go back so that we can speak face-to-face... so I guess I'll have news in 2 weeks. Many thanks for your support, I'll tell you how this will end!

Edited by Naretari

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If he is, he hasn't told me about it...

I know about the effects they may have, but since I have no idea what may be happening I can do nothing more :(

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I broke up with him... It feels so strange...

I was crying when I told him, but he was quite cool and kind of comforting. He was expecting it. He tried to change my mind, but not too passionately-just repeated the same old excuses. In the end, all I went through the last year were for nothing.

I don't want to get back in what we had, but I already miss him... I hope he won't disappear. I worry for him too, he's the kind of person that does crazy stuff when something isn't right.

By the way, I saw in his library an old-fashioned book about sexual problems. "Homosexuality" was among the rest. I hope he didn't pick the book for that reason, he'll never be happy if he's gay AND thinks of it that way...

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