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wickedx

I Can't Take It Anymore.

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I'm losing my mind. I am alone 24/7. 19 year old girl who was severely bullied in juinior high. Before that, I was happy and normal. After, I fell into a deep depression which seriously ruined my social life. I became invisible and lost all of my friends and never made any new ones. Well, I guess i made one friend. Either way, I was too depressed to go to school daily because I hated it and it was miserable. I skipped so much school that I got kicked out. Now I am just a drop out with no life. I sit at home all day every day. Alone. I can't take it anymore. I feel horrible. All I see around me are teenagers with great lives and everything in the world going for them but not for me. I've been punished for some reason. For some reason I stand alone and there is no one here for me. My dad hates me and is emotionally abusive. My mother is schizophrenic and my one and only person that COULD be useful, my aunt, is far too conceited/arrogant/selfish to be of any help. Too consumed in her lovely lavish house wife lifestyle to waste any time on her loser depressed niece. I can feel the disappointment and disgust when I try telling her how miserable I am. She just says things like, well stop thinking about it then!

Anyway, I've kept my cool through all of this because of men. My first love kept me alive and hopeful but then he left me for another girl. I accepted this and found new love. He cheated on me several times and despite my close relationship with him and his family and friends, I decided I needed to leave him despite that he was my whole world and I now have nothing but a room to be in for hours on end.

I just feel like dying. I know my mother, my grandpa, and my aunt love and care about me but their love isn't enough. I've never felt so alone. I want friends. I wanna be normal and happy but no matter what I do it just seems like bad luck always knocks me down. I could've gotten over the whole junior high thing in high school by finding new friends but of course I didn't. I just feel like a waste of a person. My two exes couldn't care less about me even though I gave them everything. My dad hates me. My aunt sees me as a loser/burden. I am alone all the time. What is the point? I feel like I never had a chance. I've failed school; I've failed myself due to depression and bullying. It got the best of me. Why should I even go on? Nothing ever gets any better. It's been like this for 6 years. I'm going to get my GED this monday and then hopefully go to college and I've been hopeful that maybe I might meet new friends in college but there's a voice in my head telling me that it will probably be just as lonely as high school. I'll wake up, go to school, and come home. I can't take this loneliness anymore. I'm suffering so much. The depression is so sever that I can feel it physically wearing me down. My family can't help me; it was the same when I was thirteen but they would just tell me to basically get over it. My dad won't take me to a therapist or spend money on me for medication because he doesn't care about me. He only cares about kicking the only liability in his life (me) out so that he doesn't have to waste anymore money on me. I know it must be hard to believe that a man can be so cruel to his only child, but believe me, those are the words out of his mouth. No one, no one takes my depression seriously. They see me suffering and withering away but they don't do anything. I need help. I can't do this on my own anymore. My dad laughs in my face and doesn't believe I am depressed. He thinks that I am looking for an excuse to be lazy. But I really need help. I am just dying inside. I don't know what to do.

Edited by wickedx

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Hi wickedx,

I'm really sorry to hear that you were bullied in Junior High. It's sad that people don't realize how their verbal abuse (e.g. name calling) affects the person they are abusing. I think that society is just now beginning to recognize how verbal abuse contributes to suffering, violence and suicide. For example, schools are starting to deal with the issue of bullying after all of the violent shootings that have been happening.

I remember in High School there was a guy who was severely mentally disabled and acted oddly. I heard a few girls refer to him as a "creep" and although I didn't think much of it at the time I'm now looking back on that and realizing how mistreatment from others can affect people. People at times can be oblivious to the fact that others may suffer from developmental disorders, mental disorders or are simply different than them. I'm not sure how to paint a positive picture on the terrible things that humans do to each other. I do take comfort in the fact that not all people are terrible. It seems like there may be some good people out there.

It does seem like people tend to abandon me as I've become more and more depressed. However, I can kind of understand why they do this. It's not easy to be around someone who suffers from depression and sometimes people have to do what's best for themselves and get themselves out of that situation. It's hard for me not to feel angry about it though. When people abandon you then perhaps it's best to start looking for other forms of support. Being a part of these forums was a good choice for you to make.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Hang in there. :)

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