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TryingToFindTheAnswer

How Does The Whole "nice Guys Finish Last" Silliness Work Again?

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I agree with leila24 and Henrithecat. I once wanted the kind of guys who were "exciting", dark and dangerous, basically. That was because my self-esteem was non-existant. I wanted men to validate my physical appearance because I was so insecure. I´m still working on this issue because the roots are deep and sometimes my self-esteem is really fragile. I found men who were nice, boring. I didn´t know that I wanted toxic relationships, filled with drama.

I´m still in therapy working on this issue and my turnaround was when I decided to end it with my ex boyfriend. He was - and is - a very handsome, fun, exciting and charming, was always giving me compliments so I felt validated, but when I realized he didn´t care about my personality and creative endevours, I was deeply hurt.

He asked me to marry him and ended the proposal with the words: "In any case, we probably won´t find other people, since we are both depressed, so we might as well..."

I told him that his proposal was the dream of all young women - Not! He then invited me on a trip to Copenhagen, to listen to him speak at a convention for 8 hours. That was it. That was my big enlightenment. He was not very nice. He was not respectful. I deserve more, so much more. Keep being nice, TryingToFindTheAnswer, and stay clear of women who want excitement and drama. It´s toxic and always leads to trouble. Decent women want decent men.

Good luck to you. :hearthrob:

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I think (and I think this is even more major than that), they have a sense of pride feeling that they see a bad boy who they are instantly attracted to, and think "oh, I can change them." When you're a nice guy, girls instantly know they will get everything they want. To some that's great, but I have friends who have told me that it gets boring, and they'd much rather have a relationship where they're challenged to try and make something work. It's almost like the Eminem song "Love the Way You Lie." At least, that's my opinion.

I don't know your friends so I cannot speak to what they say, but I think this is a rather harmful generalization. Straight and bi women are attracted to men with confidence who carry themselves in an assured way. Most women that I know of don't go into a relationship thinking they will change a man, and they aren't attracted to "bad boys" in principle at all. I think we're getting back to the issue of some people being too nice which translates to being too passive, versus being confident and self-assured, which is (in my opinion) more attractive to most people.

Once again you say what I'm thinking. It's not the "bad boy" or "jerk" aspect that attracts women, but the confidence they seem to have (I say "seem" because many times jerkness betrays an inner insecurity) and as depressed people that's not really something we exude. "Normal" people like self-confidence and low self-esteem people practically crave it.

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I think (and I think this is even more major than that), they have a sense of pride feeling that they see a bad boy who they are instantly attracted to, and think "oh, I can change them." When you're a nice guy, girls instantly know they will get everything they want. To some that's great, but I have friends who have told me that it gets boring, and they'd much rather have a relationship where they're challenged to try and make something work. It's almost like the Eminem song "Love the Way You Lie." At least, that's my opinion.

I don't know your friends so I cannot speak to what they say, but I think this is a rather harmful generalization. Straight and bi women are attracted to men with confidence who carry themselves in an assured way. Most women that I know of don't go into a relationship thinking they will change a man, and they aren't attracted to "bad boys" in principle at all. I think we're getting back to the issue of some people being too nice which translates to being too passive, versus being confident and self-assured, which is (in my opinion) more attractive to most people.

I know that's a terrible generalization, and I should have made a note to say that I didn't go to a normal high school where people thought clearly lol. I think confidence is the biggest factor, I absolutely 100 percent agree with that. I'm just saying in some cases there are times when a girl gets turned on by the idea of trying to turn a bad boy nice, which is especially true around me. That's why people stay in abusive relationships over here for long periods of time, because they feel like they can change them and feel like once they go nice, then they'll be the "perfect guy." Not right, but that's a very true statement of how things are in some places.

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