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modernphilistine

Queer In A Heterosexual Marriage?

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I'm a 27 year old female. Been with my husband for nearly 6 years, been married for nearly two years, have a wonderful four year old daughter and three cats.

At 13 years of age, I was on a field trip when a openly gay female teacher took a moment on the top deck of a ferry to introduce my breast to her hand. That brought on the onslaught of typical worry/confusion/delight/excitement/anger etc that adolescence is prone to, but magnified under the circumstances. Thankfully my current therapist is wonderful.

At 15, I came out. My parent found out by prying through my journal at the time. At school I was openly gay and very active within the school but most proudly as apart of the newly formed Gay Straight Alliance. Time went on and I became less sure I needed or wanted any sort of label on my sexuality. I was attracted to both men and women at one point or another and I could be sure that I’d ever be attracted to just one of them, or both, or any of them for that matter. I stopped participating in GSA-related activities in both high school and college or within the community. It began to seem as silly as the thought of participating in straight only clubs. All of this came about without having ever been intimate with either sex. (Thanks to the guilt of sex brought along with an Irish Roman Catholic upbringing.)

So – I meet my husband at 21 (with whom my first intimate encounter was ever with) and I was attracted to him physically, mentally, and so on. He’s my best friend, I love him and I don’t want to trade any part of our life together.

But (you all knew that was coming) – ever since starting therapy nearly two years ago, and having to confront a lot of these feelings from my past, I’m really REALLY regretting not exploring my sexuality to a fuller extent and its very depressing to know that I may never get to know what it’s like to be with a woman.

So my husband and I talk about this and he properly wigs out. I was selfishly hoping that my husband’s response would be: “Sure honey, go have sex with some chick a few times to get it out of your system.” Instead, he thought I had been with women behind his back (which I haven’t and wouldn’t) and asking for a divorce (which isn’t even close). When it all settled down, and we talked about it rationally he said that he’s okay with me being attracted to other women and that I would be classified as bisexual by societal terms.

I felt better after having this talk, but I feel like I’m back at the beginning with all of it. I’m feeling like my family role doesn’t exactly sync up with who I think I am on the inside, which is someone who desperately wants to come out as queer and be apart of that community without having to ruin my family. I love them and I love my spousal/motherly role with in the family. I just want to expand upon that. I know I can explore my sexuality in ways that doesn’t compromise my relationship (even though the thought of never having sex with a chick really bums me out). But still, I feel conflicted and sad about it all.

Has anyone else been able to create some sort of comfortable “queer” identity, within a traditional heterosexual family lifestyle? Is it even possible?

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moderphilistine

Welcome to DF. It's easy to second guess ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that stuff right? I am a straight guy and happily married too, but even I have wondered, what's it like? I will never find out and I am prepared to live with that. As for you, that decision is your's to make. Here's some food for thought. You could come to an agreement with your husband to enjoy some kinky queer erotic role playing between the two of you. You dream it up together and hope for the best. BUT, if that backfires you have to live with the results. God only knows what could change in the dynamic of the relationship you have together. You both made vows to each other based on the norms of your church and society. Many guys nowadays think watching two women is a turn on. These guys don't think about the consequences of having the love of their life cheating, not to mention exposing them to disease. By breaking your vows you are going to hurt someone. Your daughter, your husband or you! All of the above. My best advise, if you create a queer identity, keep it in your mind. Enjoy what you have and dream about your fantasies.

Please take care!

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moderphilistine

Welcome to DF. It's easy to second guess ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that stuff right? I am a straight guy and happily married too, but even I have wondered, what's it like? I will never find out and I am prepared to live with that. As for you, that decision is your's to make. Here's some food for thought. You could come to an agreement with your husband to enjoy some kinky queer erotic role playing between the two of you. You dream it up together and hope for the best. BUT, if that backfires you have to live with the results. God only knows what could change in the dynamic of the relationship you have together. You both made vows to each other based on the norms of your church and society. Many guys nowadays think watching two women is a turn on. These guys don't think about the consequences of having the love of their life cheating, not to mention exposing them to disease. By breaking your vows you are going to hurt someone. Your daughter, your husband or you! All of the above. My best advise, if you create a queer identity, keep it in your mind. Enjoy what you have and dream about your fantasies.

Please take care!

Okay - perhaps I wasn't as clear as I meant to be towards the end. I have no intention of "breaking our vows" ie: cheating. What I am trying to ask is if anyone had ever entered into a heterosexual relationship with intentions of staying faithful while self-identifying as gay/lesbian and been able to be active in the GLBT community and "out" (to a degree) publicly so to speak, while still maintaining the heterosexual lifestyle at home.

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moderphilistine, I guess I blew that answer. For clarification, would you be "out" at home around your husband & daughter? Being active in GLBT community as a volunteer for projects, or fundraisers would be great. Can you do that with out being drawn in on a deeper more personal level once you become close to that special someone? You tell me, no actually you need to tell yourself.

I have mental health problems. I can not walk into a candy store without becoming a little piggy, therefore I don't go there. I have very little self control. I am lucky I have been able to minimize exposure to my weaknesses and rely on my strength. I also work on making me a better me, by trying to be stronger especially at they weak spots. I still stay out of the candy store.

Enough rambling from me, what do you think?

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Modernphilistine, this may as well have been me writing your post. Seriously, I have almost the same experience as you except that I was never "out" in the queer community when I was younger, I just hung out with queer folks and participated in some culture.

I came dangerously close to cheating on my husband with a woman once, and I still carry a lot of guilt over that. I've jokingly mentioned to my husband before that we should both have girlfriends on the side, but I don't think I would actually want HIM to have one, lol.

So to answer your question, I guess, I have the same yearnings and desire for a queer identity as you do. I'm not sure how to reconcile that with my straight married life, but I hope we can both find the answer someday.

Best wishes,

Henri

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moderphilistine, I guess I blew that answer. For clarification, would you be "out" at home around your husband & daughter? Being active in GLBT community as a volunteer for projects, or fundraisers would be great. Can you do that with out being drawn in on a deeper more personal level once you become close to that special someone? You tell me, no actually you need to tell yourself.

I have mental health problems. I can not walk into a candy store without becoming a little piggy, therefore I don't go there. I have very little self control. I am lucky I have been able to minimize exposure to my weaknesses and rely on my strength. I also work on making me a better me, by trying to be stronger especially at they weak spots. I still stay out of the candy store.

Enough rambling from me, what do you think?

Ehh- you didn't blow anything. Yes, I would be (and am) "out" at home. There is no "special somone" other than my husband who will always be my special someone. He knows I've got crushes on women but he knows and I know that I won't be acting on any part of that. I've become very good at practicing my self control and I don't worry much about myself. I just kinda want to be a lesbian that fell in love with and married and man and that we're happy that way.

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Modernphilistine, this may as well have been me writing your post. Seriously, I have almost the same experience as you except that I was never "out" in the queer community when I was younger, I just hung out with queer folks and participated in some culture.

I came dangerously close to cheating on my husband with a woman once, and I still carry a lot of guilt over that. I've jokingly mentioned to my husband before that we should both have girlfriends on the side, but I don't think I would actually want HIM to have one, lol.

So to answer your question, I guess, I have the same yearnings and desire for a queer identity as you do. I'm not sure how to reconcile that with my straight married life, but I hope we can both find the answer someday.

Best wishes,

Henri

Its so good to hear that our situations are so similar. My therapist tells me that these sorts of family/person relationships can work but it's not like I know a bunch of people advertising that they are gay in a heterosexual marriage to ask questions to. I hope to be able to find a way to reconcile both lifestyles as well, though it seems a bit hopeless.

And if you don't mind answering this - how close is "dangerously close"? Obvisously being physically intimate is beyond being just "close". But the night before thanksgiving We were with a bunch of friends having a few drinks and all us girls went outside and the next thing you know - gay or straight - we're all feeling each other up and or making out. I felt wicked guilty and only told my husband about it two months ago and all he did was laugh and tell me that he didn't care - though to me, it was the worse things I'd ever done.

thanks,

M

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And if you don't mind answering this - how close is "dangerously close"? Obvisously being physically intimate is beyond being just "close". But the night before thanksgiving We were with a bunch of friends having a few drinks and all us girls went outside and the next thing you know - gay or straight - we're all feeling each other up and or making out. I felt wicked guilty and only told my husband about it two months ago and all he did was laugh and tell me that he didn't care - though to me, it was the worse things I'd ever done.

thanks,

M

Well, to be honest I had what might be considered an emotional affair with a woman I met online. Nothing physical ever happened, but the opportunity arose and I managed not to take advantage of it. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned over the make-out session you described, since there was no real emotional context to it that I gather. My husband was VERY hurt when I confessed the emotional affair to him, because I did have feelings for the woman.

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H & M

I guess every one has some kind of burden to carry or guilt to live with. I hope you 2 can both find comfort in your lives. Life can be so complicated these days. Seeking opinions on DF is a good idea anytime you have doubts. I wish you both the best. Good luck!

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I am bisexual and in a heterosexual relationship with my gf. She knows I am attracted to her, other women, as well as other men, but I won't cheat on her. I could never live with myself if I did such a thing. I don't ever want to break her heart. I am pretty open with her about my sexuality as long as she is comfortable with it. Sometimes she goes from acceptance of my sexuality to questioning and back again. It's stressful at times not having her accept me as who i am but we always work it out.

I have had sex with other men before but nothing much or anything good. I do feel bad sometimes about not being able to explore that side but oh well, there is always porn lol

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