Jump to content

Those Of Us Who Are Chemically Imbalanced And Have No "reason" To Be Depressed


betterdays28

Recommended Posts

Just want to reach out to others like myself who are struggling with depression that doesn't have a trigger or a "reason." I've been depressed before--sometimes for a reason, sometimes not--but am currently battling the worst depressive episode I've ever had. I've been on Citalopram for years and that seemed to work fine until the past couple of months when my brain seems to have turned on itself. I've tried Zyprexa and Abilify (both made me gain tons of weight in a very short time), Depakote and now am titrating up to 200mg of Lamictal. My pdoc is certain the Lamictal will be very helpful but it has to be increased very slowly so even after 3 weeks, I'm still 2 more weeks away from the "theraputic dose." In the meantime, I'm missing work, unable to stop crying, and feeling completely hopeless.

The thing is, I don't have any reason to be depressed. I have a nice home, a good job, a wonderful, amazing, incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend, I have three dogs who I absolutely adore, and my life, in general, is pretty dang close to exactly what I've always wanted it to be. Thus, I know it is a biological/physiological/chemical problem that's causing the depression, but having so much to be happy for and being more miserable than I've ever been just sucks. Makes me feel like an a**hole, really. Looking around and seeing so many other people with so many problems, people who have real things to be miserable about... and then there's me, with a great life, and a huge pile of used Kleenex beside me. Grrr. So frustrating.

Today things started to seem a little better, Not so much crying. I talked to some friends, and my mom, all whom I have been isolating myself from. While most people don't understand the fact that it's a chemical imbalance that's causing this, it's important, I think, to at least let people know that you're struggling. My therapist insisted that I do that, even though it was very hard for me to pick up the phone. But today was a beautiful sunny day, I took my favorite dog on a long walk at the park, and the weight in my chest seems a little lighter than yesterday. So still hopeful, still waiting and trying to believe IT WILL GET BETTER.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are right...it WILL get better. I'm in the same boat, and I can relate to what you are feeling. It's good that you are getting help and hopefully you are on the right path with your meds. I don't have much more to add except to say that you are not alone!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I must say that this is the type of post I was hoping to find when I signed up. I have never been to a psychiatrist or diagnosed with anything so I do not know if I have the chemical imbalance that you do, but I know the feeling of hating the fact your sad when you have a life most people would **** for. I live in a huge house with my wealthy parents, they pay for my education (university) and I do not have to work all that much (only part time during the school year) and yet I am usually sad. In fact the guilt I feel for being depressed in the first place makes it all worse. Its like this cycle of feeling sad then getting mad at myself for not appreciating everything I have, which in turns makes my sadness almost unbearable. Frankly I have come to the conclusion that I am either crazy or this world is; and when I say crazy I do not mean it in the usual way most people say it, I mean I have contemplated on whether or not I am actually insane. But at least you can know that there is someone else like you, who (if it makes you feel any better) did absolutely nothing for all the privileges that I enjoy, except to fall out of the right vagina in the right part of the world. Anyways I have an essay due tomorrow that I should probably get back to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

I feell the same... I have a job, a wonderful family, a supportive bf, an amazing dog and amazing friends. I have my health, I live in a nice apt. etc...yet...I wish I wasn't here for all that. Even at the "happiest moments" I still have that thought in the back of my head.

I feel soo awful for having these thoughts..I have tried talking to a licensed Dr. and I didn't like it. I am currently on Effexor.

I don't think it's the meds that make me feel this way. I honestly feel like I will forever feel this. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I hear from family members that even as a small child I was always sad. I feel like there is no hope. I don't cry all the time..and i have no plans of committing the unspoken deed..i just would rather not be around..if that makes any sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...