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Hi Every1

I would just like say hi to everyone. I know this is probably not the best place to start this and ask a question but here it goes anyway:

My History: I have a father and sister who both suffer from Bi-polar depression. I know I most probably also suffer from major depression but I have never seen a specialist mostly because I've always known and accepted that I am a "broken toy" so to speak and because I don't think my mother would be able to handle knowing that as well. At age 23 I have learnt to cope with the lack of emotion, long periods of feeling blue and lack of motivation as an everyday occurrence but in this case not the point I wish to address.

I have be going out with a girl for almost 4 years now (I suspect she might think I am depressed but I never discuss these types of things with her) and social protocol suggests that at some point in the near future getting married will probably be on the agenda. Over the past few years I have gotten use to a feeling of content instead of what I think should be love.

But for a long time now I have been unable to forget about my ex girlfriend. We where high school sweethearts and together for 2.5 years but she cheated on me 3 times and the relationship ended ugly. I have never been able to forget about her and feel that what ever resemblance of emotion and love I had left is stuck in that part of my life. As time goes by I also find myself romanticizing my memories with her and with my friends from that specific time of my life.

I guess what I want to ask of the experts in this forum are as follows:

1. Is this looking back and being stuck in the past a product of depression or my breakup that I never recovered from?

2. If so I know I cannot get married if this is not sorted out, but what can I do if it is not linked to depression?

3. I also have trouble committing new would be happy times to memory since after the breakup with my ex (hence a more than 4 year gap in recalling stuff some times)

If it is part of my depression there is nothing at this stage of my life I can do about it but if it is a product of my breakup I can concentrate on solving that part.

Thanks for any assistance in advance

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Hi Griffen,

Welcome to DF.

We are not experts here in any way I am afraid. We are just fellow sufferers of depression who support each other. However, if you look around the site you will find a lot of helpful information. We are very happy to help if we can.

You ask some very complicated questions which are difficult to answer with the amount of information we have about you. I know you say you do not want to address the lack of emotion, feeling blue and lack of motivation here, but I think perhaps this is where you should start. You describe yourself as a 'broken toy'. My advice to you would be to go and explain this to a doctor and give him/her the opportunity to assess you. If you have depression then you have a genuine condition which is treatable. You know this I think because of your father and sister, and I think your mother would be reassured to see you getting appropriate treatment rather than suffering alone.

If your doctor assesses you and tells you that it is not depression then you can look at self help methods or lifestyle changes to help.

As far as your relationship is concerned, it is difficult and not advisable to make major life decisions while you are feeling down, and that is why I think you should seek advice from your doctor if needed.

I hope you get the advice and help you are looking for. Please keep posting here and let us know how you are and what you decide.

Good luck

Meirionne

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Hi Griffen and Welcome to DF,

Firstly it is very important that you get professional help help and assessment by a mental health specialist. You will feel a great deal better once you have a proper assessment and possibly a treatment plan, if required.

You need to be able to feel love and security in life and most certainty with your partner. Getting married without deep emotional commitment would lead to a very difficult married life.

Hankering after an ex-girlfriend is only going to make your emotional problems much worse, and yes depression can enhance these feelings of loss, but that is not reality , not today s world, but the past.

Put your energy into getting well, sort out your mental health problems and take a deep look at your current relationship . Make yourself happy by looking forward to a joyour future and focus on what is ahead not what is past and gone.

So see your Doctor for an initial assessment and perhaps you will get a referral to see a mental health specialist.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

Edited by jimbow15
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You see the problem is I am a VERY SELF DEPENDANT person to the extent that I will forgo any assessment and treatment for the sake of not relying on anyone else. I have also seen the burden my father and sister have been on my mother emotionally so I can not and will not let her see me as someone she also needs to worry about. In fact I have moved to a different town partly to shield her from such troubles. But as I said not really the point.

If I will get married it would not be a decision I will make but one I will go along with based on my girlfriends feeling because I know my judgment is slightly impaired (getting married was not part of the problem I am trying to solve). I apologize for the difficult questions but what I actually just really need to know is if the ex girlfriend things can be linked to a long history of depression or to the breakup. I can provide any info needed just to get this answer.

Edit: Sorry reading this I realize I look like an insensitive person and I forgot my manners. Thank you for the advice given about the doctors but I just don't want to deal with that part of my life now. I know I should probably hang around a bit and get to know everyone before demanding answers I apologize. It's just that the ex girlfriend thing is just a thorn in my side I really, really, really want to get rid of.

Edited by Griffen
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Hi Griffen,

It would seem to me that you are negating your own needs to some extent?

And yes depression (mood swings/feeling low) is going to be a factor in how you think about your ex-girlfriend.

Getting past this means looking to the future you want for yourself , to a fresh start and making your partner happy.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

Edited by jimbow15
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Hello Griffen and welcome to DF,

There are so many events that can lead to depression including the lost of an ex-girlfriend. I concur with Jimbow and would encourage you to start anew focusing on your future with a new love. I also would encourage you to seek professional help if it comes to that.

I wish you the best.

Lindahurt

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Ok let me give this another try from a different angle. Sadness, unhappiness or "depression" I have been feeling for many years before the breakup and I am not interested in solving that part. I've learnt over the years to cope with everything my brain can trough at me but it seems it finally brought something up I cannot figure out on my own.

From my perspective this is a problem that needs solving and all I need is the pieces on how to cope with this until I forget about it. Life is ok, my current girlfriend is ok, job is ok just need to solve this part. So I guess I am looking for a coping mechanism?

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We have some information on CBT (cognitive behavior therapy/techniques), DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy/techniques) in the Psy Ed 101 Room. I incorporate these techniques to help manage my illnesses. You might find them helpful.

Lindahurt

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Had a look at the Psy Ed 101 room (Thanks lindahurt) and realized I may just have some form of chronic depression. If so this would then in turn mean that I have to cope with the depression first and then with the ex gf problem..... I am just have no desire to solve the first part so I am just going to have to try harder to suppress everything.

Thanks everyone. It seems I just hoped someone talked to a therapist at some point about something similar and I could just use that solution.

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Seeing a therapist is your best bet. We can share some of the coping skills we may have learned in therapy, but it will vary from person to person and may not fit perfectly for you. Holding everything inside can only make you feel worse. I know this as I held everything in for over 30 years and it caused a lot of problems for me at work, relationships, etc. Therapy helped me unburden myself by resolving or coming to terms with issues. Take a look at any of the FAQ sheets here or Google depression. If you can relate to 3 or more symptoms, it's time to seek out professional help.

Sheepwoman

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