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Ready To Step Up And Change


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Well, I've been thinking a lot about this. I've been called out for my laziness, lack of motivation, immaturity, etc. I mean, I think after 32 years, I've earned the right to be a Biotch. I still hold a lot of anger and bitterness inside from various things in my life. I was physically abused at home, bullied at school, never felt like I fit in anywhere...I could go on. Over the last few years, I've noticed just how angry I've become. Never done or said anything about it til recently. Never been good at letting go or forgiveness. A part of me just wants emotional vengeance/karma for a lot of stuff. I do pageants, mostly for self confidence, but partly cause I feel I have something to prove to all the haters/doubters in my life.

So...here I am. I'm ready to make some big changes. I know what I need to change...my lack of motivation/gratitude/organization/self confidence/acceptance/good hygiene, my anger issues, negativity/pessimism, forgiveness, loneliness, paranoia, worrying, priorities, need for attention/praise, time management...you name it. I've said that before, but I never knew where to begin. I don't know...I guess I'm more focused on living in the moment. As long as I'm content, I don't care about anything else. Yeah, I can be selfish, or just not care. I mean, I'd honestly rather be in my head most of the time...and of course, there are those times when being in my head is the worst place I can be.

I know I'm rambling right now, but I just needed to put it out there. I mean...I'm sick of talking and feeling like nobody's listening or caring. Thanks for putting up with me.

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Hi fabulousrockstar,

Since you feel like you might be ready for help, where would you start? Maybe you should set up an appt. with your Dr. and talk about getting into therapy or some recommended treatment of some kind. It sounds like you are very aware of all the things you want to change, which is a great start and more than most of us might say when we started the journey to get help for our conditions.

No need to thank us for putting up with you. We are here to listen and help if we can.



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I think it's great that you want to focus on becoming a better, healthier person! :)

However, I see you've made a huge list of self-admitted faults. It's easy to just re-channel negativity into "becoming a better person," and end up even more frustrated, I know this from first-hand experience. I listed out everything I thought was wrong with me and tried to "achieve" this new me. But the problem is the very person doing the "achieving" naturally expects to be there for the results! XD I think you're on the right track with living in the moment and being content. A lot of our evils stem from the fact that, deep down, we are not content. So rather than "working" on yourself, I'd take a more natural approach, like letting a plant grow. No gardener would criticize a seed for being "rootless and stemless," they would just help it to grow. And remember, if you take action out of self-hatred, the results will be tainted, if you take action out of self-love, you will be truly changed.

Focus on doing things you like, not to improve yourself, just because you enjoy doing them. Try and find out what you like, you might learn a lot about yourself!

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