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My Story, Looking For Support (Its Long)

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Hi Folks,

I have been feeling a really desperate need to get a few thing down on paper on out for other people to view, people who aren't my wife and aren't going to charge me $135 am hour to tell me cognitive therapy is the answer to everything.

Overall, I would say I have a good life, I am married, have a house, have had the same job for 12 years. But I have a lot of skeletons in my closet.

When I was a preteen, I was a very sensitive guy, and such i got picked on a lot. I would come home crying every other day from getting picked on at at school. When I reached junior high, I found a group of people who accepted me (kind of), as long as I did drugs with them. I quickly found that a life constantly doped up on anything was better then any reality. I was using an illegal drug, drinking, taking any pill I could get my hands on, Anything to escape reality, cause reality just sucked for me.

That went on for about 6 months,, and then I had a bad experience with an illegal drug, and that sparked my genetic disposition to Panic Disorder. I'm not talking just the shortness off breath type panic disorder, I am talking about the type of panic that made me hallucinate an lose bowel control. Good times.

So my parents put me in rehab, and I saw a Pysche who put me on 1mg of xanax at the age of 13. The Xanax worked great for dealing with my panic, but he did nothing for helping me though me issues. We played chess.

I am now 32, and finally weaned off the xanax at age 31. Now am battling serious issues of self worth, panic, and addition again. I started having really bad panic attacks again, so my GP put me on Klonopin. Now I am battling shaking this crap. I am typing this message on 60mg of valium just to keep the shakes at bay.

My wife and I are trying to have a child, and I can't perform. It makes me feel comletly worthless. I want to be a father so bad it hurts. My job is completely dead end and I did not finish my college degree. Each day leaves a grey cloud potential unemployment over my head. I don't know how much more of this I or my wife can take.

I am looking for a sympathetic ear. I just need someone t talk to. My wife is a chemical dependency counselor, inconveniently - so when I try and talk to her about this stuff the counselor mode comes on and flips all this crap right back on me.

I would appreciate anyone willing to take the time to talk to me more.


Edited by AquaViolet
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The Klonipoin worked wonderfully, but it killed my sex drive ( I think) and my wife and I are trying for child. I took 2 mg twice a day for a month, and was only able to wean myself down to 1mg twice a day without getting all tied up in knots. The Valium is to help me come off the klonopin, cause the withdraw is absolute hell. I took Xanax for 13 years, 1 mg 3x day for 13 years, and I weaned off of it in 6 months. The klonopin is a different beast all together.

I have taken 70mg of valium this AM and my body stil aches all over and I have the shakes. I could go run 5 miles right now, easlily. This valiium isn't doing as much as I had hoped. I took my fair share of recreation drugs for a number of years, and quite smoking cold turkey after 14 years and had a far easier then this. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I took xanax for so long, my GABA receptors are just fried.

I am also taking 150 mg of welbutrin for my general depressive disorders, and 45mg a day of Buspar for GAD. I am starting to think that perhaps its the Buspar that is casuing my sex performance issues. I hope not cause Buspar has done more for my worry patterns then anything I have ever taken.

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Hi Jeff, and welcome to DF! We are glad to have you here. This is a wonderful community full of kind caring people, who can relate, and offer you emotional support.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. I really encourage you to seek therapy to deal with the issues you are facing, and the issues in your past.

Therapy can make a big difference, and help you gain perspective on your life.

There is a password protected Substance Abuse room here on the forum that you may find helpful. If you are interested, please pm any mod or admin for the password, once you have 5 or more quality posts.

We are always here for you here at DF to lean on for emotional support.

I wish you the best. Take care.

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Thanks for the responses, and for educating me on proper etiquette :) its always good to know that we are not alone. My biggest challenges besides the roller coaster of meds, is the inability to have a child because of the meds and the "dead end" feeling I have in my job. I am in mid level management (IT program,operations manager), and recently found out the ALL of the people I mentored and supervise all make more then I do, yet i live in a land where gas costs $4 a gallon. Jut struggling to get a grip of self worth, ya know? I perform a 6 figure a year job at a 52k a year salary. I am fully taken advantage of cause I didn't finish my BA.....Yet I am extremely talented and can manage a program like ones business and save companies hundreds of thousands a dollars a year without breaking a sweat.

Substance abuse isn't a big deal for me anymore, I am a dad, and with fatherhood went away the substance abuse, I don't even drink now. Anything I put in my body is either prescribed within doage allotments, or natural. believe it or not, my GP said for someone like me to take 60mg of Valium is not unheard of, since I took 4mg of Xanax daily for 13 years. I am going back to my GP tomorrow hopefully for a script of Xanax again, cause it worked fine, and it allowed me to engage in the fine art of baby making :)

I am hoping to make some new connections, some new folks I can talk to, and hey, maybe even help some people.

Thanks for your time!


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