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Hi ...

Im new to this forum. I have joined because I don't have anyone i can talk to even though my mother supposedly suffers from depression. She is probably the most selfish human being I have ever come across. We get along now after years but its very hard at times. ANYWAY!

I was diagnosed with chronic depression about a year n a half ago and the doctor pointed out i've probably had it 4 7 years (from being 16) even though I hav seen endless amounts psychologists, doctors, cpn's etc! Im finding the fact this is for life extremely hard and the fact i will never be as happy as i long to be. :(

My boyfriend is great although he doesnt understand it at all and gets frustrated at times but tries his best. I have cheated on him a few occasions. he knows bout some and not about others , the guilt was ******* me but i am slowly learnin 2 deal wit it cos i will never tell him the extent of it all and I know now i will never hurt him like that again. We live together and its been hard but it WILL work bcoz we love eachother very much and are the best of friends.

I keep pushing my friends away because im very paranoid and accuse them of talking about me and i read situations so diffrently to what they really are but i convince myself i am right. I really need to get to the doctors regarding anxiety as depression is still there , i have become these past 5 months become more anxious and paranoid and prone to panic attacks that seem 2 come on very suddenly.

This depression has affected my relationship with the best most important person in my life or not so now. My little 13yr old sister caitlin, we havent spoke for a while now. In the months leading up to this I had become very irritable and would argue with aswell as my boyfriend infront of her over really petty things and probably end up in a state cryin to the point i cudnt breathe properly. Ive also cut off other people for no reason whatsoever partly paranoia maybe as to what they think of me (the dreaded in laws) as my boyfriend has had a complete different upbringin to me , he's had a good one. me-bad! :( .... resentment could be something too!

I have done many various qualifactions and completed youth groups , done things im very proud of, had many 'none ever lasting longer than a few months' jobs and cant seem to hold one down but really want to work aswell! frustrating...

I smoke garden shrub

, not half as much as i used to and am planning on quittin very soon ( i make alot of do-able plans every day bt rarely go ahead ).

illegal drug

is a factor more than likely so this is very important to do eventually. All i can do is keep on tryin. I drink myself stupid at time and have always used these 2 factors to cope through life. aswell as the occasional use of other drugs.

I would also like to mention about something thats been bothering me regarding hormones .... it seems that when i get too happy, i then plummet into fatigue and depression very rapidly and also before my period i am pretty much bed-bound and evil to others i love , i say evil bcoz i say things to them that shud never hav left my mouth.. I set out to really really hurt them. Hormone imbalance?

Thanks to anyone who reads this and replies, Rachel xxx

Edited by Violet31
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I understand about using crutches (pan, drinking). But its best if you can add in healthier coping techniques. I find if I workout regularly at a gym, it lessens my dependency on artificial crutches, and makes me feel a little better overall.

On the hormones, definitely was a factor for me. Ultimately my only solution was birth control - once I got on Depo Provera shots, the cycles are hardly noticeable & thinks are easier to handle. Was on the Pill for a bit but had to stop that as I have high blood pressure. The Depo Provera has the side effect of causing osteo porosis so it's not ideal either, but for me the best solution for now. Hoping I'll hit menopause in a few years and can stop the bc then. But you sound younger so might be best to look into natural, herbal ways of easing the symptoms caused by your cycle.

I also understand about isolating, pushing others away. I tend to do it without even realizing it. My solution, I consciously force myself to be open & social at least once a week or so. It does take effort for me and a bit of acting. But I feel better overall when I make myself try to relate to others, once in awhile.

Think outside the box, what else can you do to help your symptoms intead of relying on unhealthy crutches? Not criticizing you mind - I still lean on such crutches myself! - but i try to minimize use with working out and trying to open up to others who make me feel better.

Good luck to you.

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Hi Rachel and :welcomeani:

Thanks for sharing your story with us.....

....I know a lot of people here can relate....

...I tend to overeat rather than drink too much or take other stuff. I find that any kind of drug has a strong impact on me including caffeine, sugar and alcohol. I rarely drink because it encourages my nervous system to freak out the next day and gives me panic attacks but I do over- indulge in sugar and caffeine. I know that these things encourage mood swings too and would love to stop relying on them. However, I am wary of trying to change too much at once and am hoping to change gradually.

I seem to make a certain amount of progress with diet/exercise regimes and then a big depression will kick in and I will be too depressed to stick to it. I have to start over. That's where I am again now. Having to start over again. Tomorrow is a new day....Good luck with trying to kick the habit, I think its important that we keep trying. We'll make progress eventually I'm sure! LOL

Love, Jeremiah


There is a section on the forums especially concerning PMT that a few of the girls here are planning to update when under the influence so feel free to join in!...I will be posting there at the end of the month!! LOL.

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