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Hi.... Confused, Please Help

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Hi there,

Im 20 year old male.

Im not really sure whats wrong or how/if i can be helped.

Most of my life has been unhappy id say. But i feel ive spent most of my life as a spectator, watching my life as if on a movie. Never fully in control, but just keeping up appearances so that from a desired perspective all looks well.

I grew up with just my mother and sister, as my parents separated when i was too young to remember.

Ive never felt normal. I tell small lies, or manipulate the truth to make people think ive had a happy childhood.

I fear telling anyone my real life story as theyd probably think i was being dramatic. Maybe rightly so, as things affect me far deeper than i let on.

No one knows everything about me.

Life was never really happy, At 13 i was suicidal and overweight, 16 I started being bulimic, 17 I was again suicidal, and at 19 i decided to change and the bulimia stopped. By complete luck i managed to scrape the grades to get to University, and am muddling through.

No-one knew or helped with the bulimia which i struccles with for 3 years. I just needed to stop. And the depression, despite ruining my education, didnt get me any help. People just thought i was trying to rebel. Since then ive become cold. I have no feeling towards people who were so close to me and didnt try to help. Best friends at the time have since apologised but still dont know the extent of the damage done. Im worried ive become too cold.

Its becoming clear that putting the facade of normality no longer works. there are too many cracks. Too many cracks, which, if people get close enough will be impossible to hide. So i lie. "my life is normal just like everyone elses" and keep people distant. Because of this i push away friends when they know too much and im still a virgin. But this is lonely.

Ive got through all the depression and bulimia alone but as a result im not keeping up with society.

I guess im scared of what people will think of me if they knew.

Unlike most guys my age who think quite simply, I think very deeply and analytically, so cant help but to remember these times. And still everything has a gloomy undertone, ive just got used to it.

Even when i act happy, it never raises the mood deep down.

Seems i just live to make the movie of my life appear happy. To myself as a spectator and anyone else.

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Hi and Welcome to DF Leo92

There are so many people that go through life wearing masks, hiding the real truth and how they feel from others and even themselves, so you are not alone. I think that what you have done by writing here is a wonderful thing, as you are willing to start letting out how you are really feeling and that can be very therapeutic and rewarding. Sometimes when you fight through things alone and put on a mask, it can cause you to disconnect from your emotions, which can make you feel almost emotionless. Starting to talk about things can help.

It may be a good idea to perhaps write a journal or a blog, it is a good way of letting out how you feel. Being here helps a lot, as there are people who can relate and who also will not judge you. You may also want to see if you could see a university counselor or therapist.

Please make yourself feel at home.


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Hi Leo! I'm sorry to hear about all your trouble. It is of no shame to have tried to protect yourself from other people's critical (?) look. We all want to be as normal as possible, but now you have found out that your "cover" doesn't protect you any more. That means that it's time to seek professional help. After what I have read it takes some time to help people with eating disorders. A skilled therapist to talk to might be the right for you, now (when you know that you can't hide behind a cover anymore). It is possible to help people with eating disorders!! Depression is often a part of that (or the other way around). Both are some sort of signals from deep within your body to tell you that something in your life is wrong. You have all to win to get a proper treatment for this and hopefully, as time pass, get a much better life!

We have a special room for Eating Disorders here at DF.

Your story is sad, but when I read it, I see hope. The "crack in the shelter" might signal a new beginning!

My very best wishes for you!


Edited by Rosegirl
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Hi Leo92, and welcome to DF! We are glad to have you here.

I'm sorry to hear about all you have been through. Here at DF, you will be understood, and not judged.

This is a wonderful community full of kind, supportive people who can relate, and offer you emotional support.

Post wherever you feel the most comfortable.

Best wishes, and take care.

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Hi Leo!

I can certainly relate to the eating problems as I have an eating disorder myself. I have lived most of my life with a facade of being outgoing and jolly all the time. But, behind that I have strugged with depression and anxiety. I was unmedicated for years, and when I finally became suicidal, I decided to get help.

I'm telling you this because I really recommend seeing a Dr and perhaps getting on some meds that might help. Also, journaling or blogging might help you get some things out. I journal a lot, and I find it helps me see what is triggering me to eat or have an anxiety attack. As some of the other posters suggested, check with your university to see if there is free counciling available for you.

Again, welcome to the DF and I hope to see you in the future!

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