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guitarfan1977

Does Anyone Get Jealous Over Other People Accomplishments

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I can totally relate. I don't get angry at the person, so much as maybe at God or the universe or myself or whatever it is I'm blaming for my life not going well while everyone else's seems to be. This is a huge driver of my depression now. So much so that I've described what I'm going through as some sort of 1/3 life crisis. .I'm in my early 30's, single, splitting a house with my also early 30's single brother who is even more of a social hermit than I am. All of my friends (which makes it sound like I have a lot: I don't) are married or divorced and bitter because they are now single parents. Or some of them are married in a sense - to their dream career or to their children because another parent has never been in the picture by choice. And everything always looks good on Facebook. I look happy and functioning on Facebook even because I only post when I have something good or funny to say. I imagine that they are like that, too. But I do hate logging in this time of year especially because - you guessed it - it's wedding season. I'm glad most of this is over for me because my friends and family are all past the stage of big weddings, except for me because I haven't met anyone to go the distance with yet. And that hurts. I've nearly resigned myself to this never happening. So yeah, wedding season means everyone is posting what else on Facebook but wedding PHOTOS, If not their own to celebrate an anniversary (barf), then pics of a wedding they were invited to or were a bridesmaid/groomsman in. And yes, I do get tired of it. 

 

I also get tired of seeing the photos of everyone else's kids growing up. Even the cute babies' videos my friends post of their little people learning to talk and crawl and walk. I know. If I were one of them, I would feel differently. As it is, since I have no kids most of my compliments or comments go ignored unless I'm commenting on a family member's post, When a parent asks a question, they want opinions from other parents, even if it's not related to being a parent and something I'm an expert in. So, eventually I just quit caring about a lot of people who I used to consider friends because it's like the secret knock changed, Frankly, I don't want back into the "club" if I ever do have kids. I know, right? Gosh,  I'm an a******. 

 

Here's an example of how much of an a****** I really am sometimes on account of all this, being serious. My youngest sister had her first child a few days ago. I'm selfishly glad they are all still at the hospital because it means I can delay going to visit them a little while longer. How awful is that? We used to be very close. Then she got pregnant, and as her pregnancy progressed and my mental illness worsened (I am disabled due to MDD, PTSD, and panic disorder), us spending time together was no longer fun for either of us so we've grown apart. Now, I love my sister. I practically raised her and have always been first in line to help and protect her in an emergency. But it was like a protective reflex for myself kicked in as soon as she conceived. I've been a doting aunt all my life, but in the last few years there's a part of me that's wanted to become a parent as well, and that part was triggered when she got essentially what I'd wanted before I did even though she's seven years younger. I felt that way a few years back when she got married, too. So, yes, I definitely think it's natural to have reactions of anger, jealousy, sadness, hurt, pain, and the like when others are living what you might perceive as a better or more functional or normal life while you're stuck battling demons. We feel isolated, too, and that doesn't help. Or, at least I know my sense of isolation certainly doesn't help me when I have those feelings because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't open my mouth about it to anyone who's never been depressed because they just don't get it and I'm immediately the bad guy because they misinterpret what I'm saying as I hate someone's baby or their pregnancy or new spouse, etc., rather than seeing the bigger picture that it has nothing to do with the other people. They are just part of a triggering environment called "the world". And, unfortunately for us, part of that world that we sometimes have to interact with. 

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