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I Need Emotional Support...please!!! I'm Badly Hurting :'(


Zareena

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Hello, I'm 21, and in college. I'm severely down for some days and urgently need some emotional support.

This is about a professor of mine at college. He's a little aloof, rude and a trifle arrogant.Yet he's a genius and extremely open to people who can approach him. I used to dislike him for his attitude, yet in the past year I'd begun to find myself somewhat fascinated by his nature. I always find myself criticizing him for his aloofness, yet want to make friendship with him. Like...understand him and dissect him intellectually...he's such an interesting guy. He's not in our class presently, but I'm really fascinated by him and want to get to know him better. As in, forge a close teacher-student relationship. But the trouble is, he seems to behave in a rather stiff and restricted fashion whenever I approach him. Today, I went into his office to show him an interesting book on his subject that I'd bought recently. But I was rather hurt by his reaction. He didn't show much of an interest, just mumbled a few facts about the book, and then right away excused himself and walked out of the room.The way he got up and walked out casually saying, "oh well, got a class now." Though he didn't have any at that moment. Later in the time I saw him chatting with some students. He actually had a class much, much later. It seemed like he was trying to get rid of me. I might be wrong for all you know, but it seemed that way. It was really disheartening for me and it made me feel inferior when I saw him smiling, chatting openly with his close students.

And ever since, I'm feeling like . Nothing I can do would make this depression go away. Please offer a word of consolation.I keep on over-thinking the situation and "why did he do this?" And it hurts me so much. I've had to muster so much courage to go up and talk to him, and he snubs me this way. All I wanted was to be talked to freely, and instead he gives me his disinterest. I know that he probably did not intend it, but even that thought cannot make the hurt go away.

Sorry if I sound ******** , but,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I really need some emotional support right now. I need to be told something to make me feel better. :verysad3:

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Hello, massive ruminator and over thinker here. I have a habit of over analysing peoples reactions to me(especially people I admire, girls mostly haha).

When I get like you I try to think about times I have reacted in a way that could have been perceived negatively towards people I like and I realise how wrongly we can perceive things at times. For example a few weeks ago I was really cold towards a girl I'm mad about but 10 minutes later I was involved in a nice convo with someone I don't really like or respect that much, ie it was nothing personal it was just the way I felt at that moment, doesn't mean I'd rather spend time with the person I wasn't being cold towards if that makes sense.

I'm sure its nothing personal against you, you sound like a lovely person if he doesn't want to forge something with you think of it as his loss.

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Hi Zareena,

Welcome to the forum.

While his manner might seem rude,perhaps he had something else on his mnd. Perhaps you caould ask him after a lecture, when there are other people around. Some Professors feel that their office is a sanctuary, and may not like anyone visiting them

I'm sure his goal was not to make you feel uncomfortable He may not have even realised you were unconfortable, or that it took a lot of courage to talk to him.

You seem to be blaming yourself for his perceived indifference. You don't know how long he had known these other people for.

Is there someone you could talk to at college, like a counsellor? They can offer you the emotional support you need..

The good thing about DF is that someone will always have some advice for you.

Post wheneve you need to

Leebux

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Hi Pearson and Leebux.

Yeah I know what you mean. As far as I can fathom, it's mainly his abrupt walking-out that's bothered me. Like you said Pearson, it's difficult to reason when we're constantly over-thinking a situation. I know that PROBABLY it was nothing personal, (since he didn't have any reason to get mad at me), but still, somehow, I can't get over thinking that, "WHAT IF I ACTED NEEDY WITHOUT BEING AWARE?"

It's hurting like mad :'(

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It is horrible, I'm doing the same over someone I don't even know any more and it does hurt like hell, reliving situations and conversations that happened with them and coming to what I know are ridiculous conclusions. The bad thing about rumination and over thinking is it always looks for a loophole to prove your negative thoughts right. I know it probably seems impossible but try not to over think it and remain positive, when we over think our perceptions can be really foggy which just leads to negative thoughts creating negative emotions. Always remember that you are not your thoughts.

Remember its the depression talking not you.

Edited by Pearson88
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Absolutely Pearson. That's the worst part----you feel like SH!T and are unsure if you'll ever be the same again around them. I know that I'll have to remain positive, but that's the most difficult to do. Like, I'll always be thinking. "Is he laughing at me?" whenever I see him. It's done a great damage to my self-esteem. :verysad3:

And I won't lie, I DID act a little jelly-legged in front of him. Not anything bad, but a little short-of-breath.Probably because I was a li'l nervous. :cry:

How, oh how can I find my self-esteem back?

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Hi,

Try listing all the positive things about yourself. You're obviously smart, well-read, honest..and I don't know you well. You might surprise yourself.

It does sound lame, but give it a go,

Exercise is also very good at making you feel good.

Hope it helps

Leebux

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I'm a confident person but my self esteem is also low, for me there is a difference between confidence and self esteem and you should take confidence from the fact your'e making an effort with someone who you obviously care about(many people wouldn't of been able to go into his office for example). we get anxious/nerves when faced with something/someone important its the bodies flight or fight response. A girl asked for my number a few months back when I got my phone out my hand was visibly shaking(how embarrassing) I obsessed about this and thought how weak I must have looked. I then realised if someone was to judge you from something like showing some nerves are they really worth it?

I'm sure he's not laughing at you, again thats just the negative thoughts talking IT IS NOT YOU.

Self esteem is something that takes time, it sound cheesey as hell but you really need to love yourself first and give yourself a break. I'm also looking to get my self esteem back but it does take time.

Edited by Pearson88
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I can totally see your situation! I'd have DIED of embarrassment if I let my nerve slip THAT VISIBLY. Yeah, getting back yourself on line does take time. I usually have very high self-esteem (you'll be surprised to know) and don't give a hoot about anything anybody says, usually. But with this person....I don't know what happened. Maybe because I'm going through a general low phase right now. :(

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Like you say your'e going through a rough time so give yourself a break, I mean look at old shakin stevens :laugh: over here I almost dropped the phone!. I'm only like that during a depressive episode so I take comfort from the fact its not the real me and its just my messy brain chemistry that some day will be better(hopefully).

No matter how low you get remember you always have people on here who will be able to relate to you somewhat.

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I know Pear. :P

Its all in the low patch. Hahahaha...yeah, when we're low, we all just press on the fact that it's our LOW time, and we'd be back to ourselves in a jiffy! Honestly, I don't mind "Low patches" much, they rather give me a blissful feeling of escaping away to the hills or snuggling into the bed for an infinite sleep, for sometime...lol. But they definitely have a nasty impact as far as Social Life is concerned...it SUCKS! :blues:

I know I need to give myself a break, but this Negative Energy is stuck on me like a spirit. :mad1: All I can think of is the Professor and his, "I've a class right now". Urrrggghhhhh!

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Seems to me that the professor might be an introvert. Not very good with social skills. At the time he maybe needed some alone time , and instead of explaining this and asking you to leave, he made up the excuse of having a class. Something I would have done. Maybe not the logical thing to do , but that might just be his personality. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

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I can understand how that may have hurt you, especially if you are an over thinker like me. He may have been more comfortable talking to a more than one person or his frame of mind may have been different at that time, this is the problem with over thinking so many possibilities can be conjured up but we tend to focus on the worst case scenario.

Edited by Pearson88
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I can understand how that may have hurt you, especially if you are an over thinker like me. He may have been more comfortable talking to a more than one person or his frame of mind may have been different at that time, this is the problem with over thinking so many possibilities can be conjured up but we tend to focus on the worst case scenario.

That's what I'm trying to console myself with, but then his dismissive, uninterested face flashes into my mind and disturbs me up. LOL.

But it ain't like that. He was smiling profusely and joking with them....like I mentioned, he's VERY OPEN to his students who can make the break with him. I felt hurt, insulted and jealous. He's peculiar that way..he's an introvert in general, but he loves to gab with his students. I'm earnestly trying to reason "oh.....c'mon, they were his CLOSE students." And the more I think this way, the more I feel rejected. Lol.

Yeah, over-thinking should be banned!

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I really feel for you as I'm going through something similar, I just don't wanna come across as patronising ie do this think like that etc as I know how hard it is to break from the cycle and it can feel paralysing . I find myself coming to the same conclusions over and over again in a vicious cycle although therapy and meds are helping somewhat it can only take one thought to set me off.

Try not to reinforce the same negative thoughts although I know its so hard. Is there any possibility you could speak to him about this or would this be out the question for you?

Edited by Pearson88
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Nah, it'd be out of question. Hark the fact that he's intimidating.

Yeah, I'm doing some self-counseling, but the weight on my chest just refuses to leave:(

And to make things worse, I'd wanted to be "friends" with him (have a close teacher-student relationship with him) and get to know him for quite a while, so it's broken me inside. I feel restless all the time and lack energy in everything I do.

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Idea, can you befriend those other students that are close to him? That way, next time you will be part of the group he feels comfortable with, and that may be the best way to break the ice with him.

Also, don't put too much weight on befriending him. He's not the only interesting, genius type out there, you know. Give it a try but if he keeps up the aloofness, save your energy and pick someone else more deserving of your friendly attention! ;)

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Zareena,

Having been through a similar situation when I was in college, I'm going to probably give the advice you won't like (because I'm old enough to be your mom-ha!). What immediately stands out as the underlying issue is that you have an unhealthy infatuation with this professor. In other words, you do want to be more than friends, thus the hurt, envy, etc. when you see he can have friendships with others, and seems to blow you off. This would not hurt so badly if that were not the case (in my opinion). Wanting a friendship with this man you revere, and not being able to have it may cause some envy, but the inability to let go tells me your heart feels more. I don't know his marital status, but if married, I strongly advise against it. Not all, but many proffessors can get a feeling of god-like power, and they know they can impact younger people by using it. They may know a great deal academically, but they don't always possess the social skills to communicate. I would just get through the class, not "visit" him and stay away quite frankly. There is probably nothing but hurt in this situation.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

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Hi Zareena,

Do you ask why I feel that some professors feel powerful and that sometimes they act as if students should always yield to their authority? Ha! I know that sounds horribly cynical, and honestly I believe there are millions of fantastic, fascinating, fair college professors in this world. I've had my share of them as well, but those that tend to stand out are those that had serious power trips and used authority in negative ways. I have a master's degree, and certainly appreciate anyone who went as far as getting a doctorate. Being a teacher, I also don't believe in befriending students, even if you are all adults. I am old fashioned in that sense I suppose, but I believe a line needs to be drawn, and a professor is the authority, and you are his student. At the same time you should be treated with respect and fairness as the adults you are.

If you still would like to PM me, feel free. I'd love to talk.

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

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