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Obsession With My Best Friend Is Stressing Me Beyond Belief.


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I apologize that this is going to be a really long post but I think it's important to explain some things in detail so that hopefully others can relate to the situation and get a little piece of mind. I feel that my story is a little different from the majority of threads I've read regarding obsessions with people and I understand these feelings and patterns are a majorly unhealthy problem.

I’m currently 22 years old and around 7 years ago I got into my first ever relationship with a girl which turned out to be an awful experience. At the time I was blindly infatuated with her and put up with being emotionally and physically used and abused by her time and time again. She always refused to be in an 'official' relationship with me and would never actually call me her boyfriend, despite being affectionate and having sex with me all of the time when we were together.

It made me feel completely inadequate and like she was embarrassed of me. On top of this she hooked up with numerous other guys and didn't seem to care how it made me feel. I should have ended it but I was unbelievably naive and completely un-aware of how I should be behaving as it was all new to me. It went on for about a year in total, during which I felt anxious and paranoid. I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing her and kept going back only to receive more and more heartache.

To cut a long story short the worst part of what happened is that I never once spoke about it to anybody and completely bottled it up. I actually blamed myself for the whole thing and was so ashamed, rather than viewing myself as being a victim. I've recently come to the conclusion that something must have happened within my subconscious mind that has blocked any interest in anybody since. I haven't been romantically or sexually involved with anybody for 7 years since that happened. Although until recently I didn't think it was a problem or that it even bothered me. I felt like I didn't need that intimacy. I also became, what I think is unhealthily isolated and become extremely lonely, losing the interest in forming bonds.

Although that part is the back-story. I feel that it plays a huge part in what has happened since... The events I'll explain next, aren't the cause of the obsession, but they're some of the things that have happened because of it. I suffer with nearly all of the obsessive symptoms that i've read about in similar threads.

Around three years ago I met an amazing guy who became my best friend. I couldn't believe how similar we were and quickly felt a deep connection with him despite not seeing each other often because of living apart. He's a little younger than me and in the beginning; he kind of looked up to and admired me. He dressed like me and began heavily modeling his appearance on me. I understood that wasn't entirely healthy, but I just loved the attention. We used to text each other every day and talk about pretty much everything.

However... slightly over a year ago he got with his first serious girlfriend who he became absolutely infatuated with and constantly thought about. I didn't like what had happened and felt like he had gone against what I thought were his beliefs. While he was with her, even though we chatted often, I became increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable with him being with her. I didn't like feeling like that and knew it was irrational, but couldn't help it or identify why. The thought of them together made me really agitated and anxious, almost betrayed. I had a few outbursts against some things he did and after a long chat, for the first time I opened up to him about what had happened to me in the past and I began to think I had gotten to the source of a lot of my feelings. However now I don't believe that was the case although it has played a large part. I thought that by totally repressing my feelings about what happened to me, I had developed a real animosity towards relationships, especially when people close to me got into them. After our chat I started to feel better and although it was difficult, I did a lot of thinking and began to understand where those feelings were coming from and attempted to overcome it.

Everything since that had been pretty good although I still felt uncomfortable with his current relationship. I was dealing with things better until a recent event that came completely out of the blue and really shook me up big time. I visited him recently and we just hung out as normal. One night we got very drunk and he seemed to become really excited and told me that he wanted to tell me something. He sat me down and confessed to me that he sometimes thinks of me sexually. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was in complete shock. I don't remember much of what happened but the next thing I remember is that we were on top of each other, very passionately kissing each other. When it came to an end we both said 'what just happened?' and laughed about it.

As the night progressed though, it happened a few more times. Later in the night we both woke up and I put my arm around him and started to drift back off to sleep. However he made advances on me. Although that wasn't what I was after doing, I wen't through with it for a while, he tried to get intimate with me but I refused and didn't want him to touch me. I don't know why I did that and it didn't arouse me, but I guess I thought he might enjoy it.

That was all that happened but in the morning when we spoke about it he became pretty defensive and claimed that 'he was just missing his girlfriend'. A couple of nights later, I put my arm around him again like before but he said that he didn't want me to do that and turned away which I found really hurtful. I just wanted to feel close to him. He again claimed that it was because he missed his girlfriend.

My dilemma is that I don't think of my friend sexually. But I do feel extremely strongly about him, which concerns me no end. That incident happened quite a while a go and made me feel some of the lowest emotions I've ever felt (Almost identical to those I experienced in my first relationship). I eventually started to move past it though and focus on other things and started to feel better and as I did so my obsession with him weakened quite a bit. However I visited him recently and although nothing of that nature happened I feel very similarly to how I felt about him then. I am extremely confused and those feelings of being unwanted and used have returned too. I've been recommended to completely cut ties with him and move on with my life, but I know that isn't the answer because I've felt similarly (although nowhere near as intensely) about other people in the past and I think it will just happened again with somebody else if I take that approach.

Have the years of denying physical intimacy caused me to redirect my repressed emotions towards my friend maybe? I feel like I just want to be close to him and be loved by him. Also, what is going on with my friend? He was terrified about his girlfriend cheating on him, yet he did exactly that. I am so confused right now and would really appreciate somebody’s outside opinion on the situation. Thanks for reading!

Edited by darcness
Violation of TOS
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Reading your post I think that sometimes there are times in our lives when we need someone and we mistake our emotions..Its easy to want to be close to someone without wanting to have sex with them. If you have never experienced any gay tendencies then maybe its just you felt affection and the rejection reminded you of your ex girlfriend behaviour?Or is it that both of you are experimenting because you are quite young. However I think that maybe you should be exploring this elsewhere as it appears it might damage your friendship. Its possible he has sexual feelings for you but you only have love for him. Maybe having counselling will help.?

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Thankyou lisa222! It's a very confusing thing, but I agree with what you said about mistaken emotions. I spoke to a friend about some of this and she suggested that it was likely just the natural need to be wanted by somebody that's come about in an unintended way, especially because of the length of time and everything.

Yeah I've considered counselling actually, I'll have to see how I feel in some time and then perhaps it will be something I really look into. Thanks for replying!

Edited by angus18
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(((angus18)))

This must be an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I will give you some advice, hopefully it helps some what.

Firstly I would try to discuss this with your friend. I know it might be a "hot" issue, but you really need to figure out both of your feelings and where you both stand on this. Right now there are too many unanswered questions and that's only going to make things more confusing. You need to have an adult conversation about this because you're dealing with VERY adult issues. It's not something you can hope will work out on it's own.

Secondly I really think you need to put a stop to anything you're not comfortable with. You don't have to let the contact and intimacy happen if you don't want it to. You have a voice and you can say no. Also by letting these kinds of things happen, you're only making the situation more akward and confusing. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but just want you to be aware you have a voice and what you say and think IS important.

Lastly I would suggest that after having the above discussion, you set some clear boundaries and stick to those. You're going to have to figure out if you want to remain friends, or persue something more. That's somethnig you'll both have to agree on obviously. Once that is decided you need to actively work towards repairing the friendship and/or moving forward. Just remember that whatever you decide, you can't keep doing them both. If you do, I really am afraid you'll only end up suffering mentally from it.

I certainly do wish you the best and hope you can get this figured out. Counseling would probably be a good idea for you to learn tools to cope with this, and figure out what you want. Also it will help you stick with your decision, regardless of what that may be.

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Hi

If it helps any, you're not alone. I too have found myself obsessed with my best friend. and when she was sexually attracted to me, I let her do stuff with me for a while even though I'm not bisexual and when she got a gf who didn't like me, she put all of her time and energy into her. She kicked me to the curb as a friend. We also used to talk every day and share everything.

It sounds to me like you may have BPD. Your needyness an fear of abandonment sounds like classic symptoms. I'm not a doctor however. but it might be worth looking into.

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Hello, angus18.

I've read all the other responses, and they have a lot to offer, but I'm going to give you a dissenting opinion, or at least a glimpse into another perspective.

This is a complicated situation, with a lot of potential for hurt feelings. There's also a lot of socially-conditioned bulls*** getting in the way of you two having the kind of frank talk you need to have. To me, your friend sounds like he is discovering that he is gay or bisexual. I don't think there's any doubt about that. For you... because of your history... it might be a little more complicated.

It's funny, because as I was reading along, and you described how your friendship felt so unbelievably close, I thought, wow, they're going to end up in bed together! And then you did (to a certain extent)!

Full disclaimer.

This whole story reminds me VERY MUCH of something that happened to me when I first came out of the closet. (I'm bisexual.) For the sake of describing the parallels here: one time, one of my best friends, who believes herself to be straight (as you do) and who hasn't had much experience with relationships, or has had the wrong kind of experience in relationships (as you admitted you have) came onto me. I was beyond flattered, and overjoyed that someone I cared about and admired so much, might want to explore our bond, and think about taking our friendship to the next level. However, like you, she decided this kind of relationship wasn't for her. I was completely crushed and humiliated, and... honestly... frustrated with her, though I didn't show it and worked very hard to preserve the friendship, which we still enjoy. Unfortunately, sometimes I still wonder, "What if?" but I try not to torture myself too much with the question of what could have been.

ANYWAY. Here is the point I'm getting at: I think that a powerful connection between two individuals is rare and special and should be cherished, regardless of the gender and self-identification of the participants. If you love him, and he loves you, no matter what that means right now, why not at least talk about this, or explore it? Sexual orientation is more than just gay or straight-- there's a whole continuum of totally normal human sexual behavior.

So, in a nutshell, I might be a simple person, but I tend to believe some degree of attraction, either romantic or sexual or both, is necessary for the kind of physical intimacy you just described.

But maybe this is just me and my baggage talking.

All the same, I urge you to consider the idea that maybe, human sexuality is a broad spectrum of behavior. You can be attracted to women sexually, and men romantically, or to both men and women sexually and romantically, or to neither one, etc, etc. It's true that you don't seem to be all that physically attracted to him. But you do sound like you're romantically attracted to each other. I don't know that this is really a question of loneliness-- because you'd be surprised at how much loneliness a human soul can bear without ever engaging in this kind of behavior. Imagine if every single lonely person went around kissing their best same-sex friend in times of need-- we'd have a lot more gay people in the world!

Ah, I don't know. I'm just rambling. This is clearly a complicated situation, and I'm not you, I don't know what the details of these events really are. But remember, that complication is what is most beautiful about love, and life.

/soapbox

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