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Anyone Else Out There Like Me?


Dreamer451

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This is my first post on this site.

I am 22 and have been dealing with a boatload of emotional issues for the last decade. I've been treated for depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, social disorders, bipolar disorder, insomnia, self mutilation and mood disorders.

I have seen countless therapists at multiple psychiatric wards and residential treatment facilities and have been perscriped to pretty much every anti-depressant I have ever heard of.

Everyday is a struggle. Waking up is my worst nightmare. I hate going to sleep knowing I have to wake up to another day. I loath people; what they are and what they do. I am unable to maintain a job or stay in school because everytime I walk into an environment with people, I consistently feel like I am being judged or looked down upon. At 22, not being able to have a job or a degree has left me in my parents house, in an environment where no one understands the severity of the thoughts running through my head. According to everyone around me, I am only being dramatic and need to "suck it up" and be a responsible adult.

I think about suicide hourly. I have attempted multiple times. The reason I haven't tried again is because each time I have attempted and failed, the outcome has been unbearable. I only want to do it again if I know it will work. I hate seeing what I do to my family when they see me like this.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy who understands that I have issues, but he doesn't understand how much I can't stand living. I have put him through more suffering than I would wish upon my worst enemies. We have gotten in arguements.

I am also plus size. My confidence in myself has been pounded to dirt because of the environment I was raised in. I was raised in a very rich, plastic town where you are bullied and hated if you weigh more than 100lbs. To give you an idea, my high school is the school that the movie 'Mean Girls' was based off of. My father attended Harvard and Brown and the fact that I can't even get through a year of college has devastated him into being an alcoholic. He blames me for his emotional pain.

I could continue typing for hours, but no one would read it. If this sounds familiar to any one, please let me know what you have done to overcome the pain.

Edited by lindahurt
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Hi Dreamer451 and Welcome to DF,

Gosh, at such a young age to have been through so much ! You do have me genuine empathy , at your age you should be starting to enjoy life to the full. It does sound like you have had these emotional and mental health issues from an early age? Did sometime happen in your young life that' tipped' the balance and made you ill.

My own opinion is that we can renew ourselves no matter what illness we are dealing with and I sincerely believe that we can recover sufficiently to lead a quality lifestyle. I was very suicidal many times and I am not in complete remission from severe depression.

It is really a case of 'what do you want to do with the rest of your life' then turning your thinking literally 'upside down' and going for everything you can do . I use The Nurtured Heart Approach' and focus only on the direction of where I want to go, who I want to be and what I want to feel each day.

I do not allow any negativity to 'get to me' I simply use my NHA approach to praise only the good I see and give myself a great boost by working in that way as well.

This may appear hard to do. But my principle is simple: get on the most effective medication for you (this is trial and error) when it becomes effective (at the therapeutic level) then I am in a positive to utilise my conscious nd subconscious mind to my own and others best advantage. I do believe you can ' think yourself well'.

Read' full catastrophic living ' which was written for people with severe illness and life threatening diseases . It is rewally a very positive and informative book about what you mind is able to achieve in your body with the right attitude and mindfulness.

Best Wishes

Jim Bow

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Hello dreamer and welcome to DF!

Sounds like you had your share of challenges and struggles. I hope DF will be a source of encouragement for you. We have tons of resources and kind members so make yourself comfortable and browse around.

Lindahurt

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It's hard to be in a situation where nobody understands you.The best think is to broaden your horizons, find what you want and who you want to be and surround yourself with that support. Know what you want and keep sterring in that direction and you may not realize it when you get there, but the fact that you're getting there is more important.

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Hi Dreamer451, and welcome!

You have been through a lot in life. Here at Depression Forums, you are among others who can relate, and offer you emotional support.

You are not alone.

It is unfair of your father to blame you for his problems. You have enough to deal with.

I am also plus size, and I know how that can affect one's self esteem.

I'm glad you are in a relationship with someone who loves you, and is supportive.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are dealing with a lot.

Keep posting here. We are here for you, and we will listen.

Take care. ((((Hugs))))

Edited by AquaViolet
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Dreamer-

I have not had all of the struggles that you have had (and some different ones), but I want you to know that I did read and I do empathize. This is only my second day on this forum and I had a really hard day yesterday. I can attest that some of the people here helped me through and today is a little better. I think that knowing that there are some people who understand and don't sit in judgement can be a major help. Those people are here. Hang in there!

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I feel a lot of the same things you are going through hun i haven't been through all the same things but many other things that have made my life a challenge. I think the difference for me is I have had a very supportive Family which has made all the difference for me.

I'm glad you have the boyfriend that understands but it seems like you don't want to keep leaning on him. Have you thought of going to some sort of group meetings? That way you can lean on people that will lean back on you and you understand eachother. It gives you a core, face to face relationship. Also something to look forward to each week. They offer things like this in my community for free at the police station you should take a look and see if your community does anyhting like it. I think it could be of great help to you

Best wishes!

XOXO

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I understand too! I am a plus size, depressed, anxious and have an eating disorder. Sigh.

My family understand that I have these problems, but because they don't have disorders themselves, they just really don't understand. Most of the people here on this forum DO understand because we all have issues.

Don't let your Dad's blaming you for his drinking upset you. It is his choice, and he's an adult. I think it's pretty mean to blame his alcoholism on his daughter!

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Hello Dreamer. I can't add much to what's been said already. There are a lot of great people here at DF who know what you're going through. BTW, I also think it's unconscionable that your father (or any family member) would blame you and your problems for his drinking. Hope things get better for you soon.

Peace,

Tim

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Hello Dreamer and welcome.

I can relate to what you're going through, I've been battling my demons for years now.

I just want to say "never give up", there's research and new treatments emerging everyday. You just need to find one that works for you.

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I know how you feel. I can't hold a job either and I skipped school everyday I was in highschool and Im avoiding going to college because I fear getting judged and such. I have a poor perception of people because of how I've been treated. The only time I feel better is when I'm asleep and I wish I could stay asleep in my dreams where, even if I have the craziest of dreams it seems better then waking up and facing reality. I'm 21 myself and I can't stand that this is happening.

I too am in a relationship with an amazing guy, but like you can't understand what I'm going through, he's supportive don't get me wrong but I can see the look on his face when he hears me say "I wish I was dead, then all this would go away" and at times I feel guilty and then there are times I don't feel anything at all. I'm battling with that right now.

I too am plus size, but this isn't anything to be ashamed of, my boyfriend says so too. He says, "who wants to be a stick person? Who you are, is who you are, and I wouldn't change you for any woman in the woman" and though I feel like this should make me happy, it does and it doesn't.

The advise I can give is try and look within yourself like I try. And though I don't often like what I see inside thanks to people's words that have become lodged in my brain in their voices. I try and keep my head high and think that maybe just maybe everything will look up one day and I'll look back on all this and think that I'm a better person for overcoming all of this but that's a long road from now.

I hope you feel better.

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