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No One To Talk To


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Hi everybody...

this is the first time I've started a thread since I've been on DF. This is yet another night where I can't sleep because I'm tortured by depression.

I apologize in advance for any potential triggers. I have come to accept that very few people care about me. While I'm sure that some people do love me very much (my mother and my husband), they have other priorities in life and they don't understand my pain. I have no one to talk to. My depression is slowly eating away at me. I am dying inside and no one cares. I am 28 years old. I have no friends, no job because of a severe learning disability, no children, and I'm a mental/emotional wreck.

I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder due to years of bullying and abuse of various kinds, including discrimination based on my race. I rarely leave my apartment anymore. I feel ugly and unworthy of love because of how I've been treated over the years. My husband loves me in his own way but he doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes he will try to comfort me, but at other times, he can be a bit insensitive. He thinks that I have a "woe is me" attitude when this is not the case. I'm not looking for pity...I simply need to feel that I matter to somebody in this world.

The last attempt I made at therapy was a dismal failure. The therapist was not only uncaring but very cruel in her responses to anything I said. She didn't listen. If I can't even find a therapist who cares, there is no hope. My life means nothing. I mean nothing to anyone. My family never loved me. I've always been a joke to them.

Before I met my husband, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that scarred me deeply. I was abused in the same way by my stepfather, who continues to belittle me to this day. My biological father was never really involved in my life that much but now he calls me constantly...I'm hurt, angry, and confused. He was never there when I needed him most and now he is trying to make up for lost time. Where was he when my stepfather was hurting me and destroying me mentally, as well as emotionally?

My mother also played a part in this because she stood by for years and allowed it to happen. This has had a profound impact on my mental/emotional health and my whole life. I've never had stability, security, and the things that many other people enjoy...friendships, a good job, and a sense of self-worth. My life is just a black hole. I will never be somebody in life. I'm a loser. Perhaps I deserve to be hurt.

I'm sorry to complain. I know that others have it worse, but at the same time, I'm sick of having my pain ignored and minimized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of being shunned and misunderstood and rejected. Most of all, I'm sick of life...even as I recognize that there is still some beauty in the world and I shouldn't take it for granted.

Edited by FeelinBlueAllTheTime
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Hi, I can identify with your post. Please don't give up any attempts at another therapist, there is one out there that will listen and do it soon. You need someone to spill it all out to. I had to get stonger, just enough that I could see that most of everyone else was attempting the same thing, using me to validate their shortcomings. The pain is real and your feelings need attention now. I needed a spark, something,anything to make me standup a little taller and it can and will happen to you. I wish you the best and keep posting to let us know if you are able to find a different therapist.

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I agree that it is pointless to say "count your blessings" as it is impossible at times to see them, although you do seem to have a caring husband, and despite the history, a caring mum. Again, we don't know much about the situation, but sometimes people can stand back and while recognising that a loved one is going thro' hell, may feel if they said "Leave that guy/job etc.," that they would be setting you up for an even worse fall. Now my situation is nothing at all in comparison to yours, but was in a role that I HATED but kept asking people what should I do. I asked my father about this recently and he said that he couldn't say go or stay because he felt that decision needed to come from me alone (this is in no way taking from one of the people who I consider to be the wisest in the world ... but don't tell him)

As for theraphy, keep in there. Seek out another theraphist. Like everything, there are good ones and downright evil ones (heard of a theraphist calling a 13 year old girl a "spoilt monster" before she was diagnosed with Aspergers ... insensitive cow should be struck off the list!). Go seek out a proper one and that maybe the start that you need. You do need help and family can only give you personal support.

Again, we do not know of the full story in detail, but we can relate to some of the feelings ... if this forum is only a slight bit of help keep on using it and vent as much as you want. Even helping others can be beneficial.

Edited by StoniumFrog
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((((FeelinBlueAllTheTime)))) I'm so sorry for your pain. You have been through a lot in life.

But you have to remember that you are worth something. You are worth a lot.

I know it can be hard to see that when you are depressed, but it's true.

You are not a loser, and you don't deserve to be hurt.

It's good to see you posting here at Depression Forums again. You won't be judged here, or rejected.

You can count on us here for emotional support.

Are you seeing a doctor about your depression? Are you on any meds?

That can make all the difference. I know it has for me.

Just remember that you are not alone. You are important, and you do matter.

Best wishes my friend, and take care. :console:

Edited by AquaViolet
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BlueAllTheTime,

i'm sorry that you're going through this, the feelings must be horrible. Please go see a doctor and try to find a way to get on some meds and talk to somebody! Most people know what you're going through on this forum, so don't feel self-conscious when you post here :), keep us updated and let us know how you're doing!

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Thanks so much, guys. I can't tell you how much your kindness means to me. I appreciate that all of you took the time to respond in such a supportive way. It is very difficult for me to open up and share my thoughts/feelings with people, so it really means a lot.

Hey, AquaViolet! How have you been? No, I'm not seeing a doctor. I actually don't have a doctor of any kind...I haven't even been to the dentist in a while. My teeth still seem to be in good shape, though. I'm not on any meds either. Maybe I should be. I don't know. But to tell the truth, I'm afraid of meds and of most doctors because I've only met a few who are willing to listen.

I guess I'm also afraid that if I disclosed just how severe my depression is, somebody would have me hospitalized or worse. I'm terrified of that. It just seems safer to hide it as much as possible. I have literally no support or understanding from the people around me...there is no way I could ever tell them about it. My husband knows and so does my mother, but they are somewhat dismissive.

My mother is in denial. She refuses to accept that I can't be what she wants me to be. I have major depression and she refuses to acknowledge this. I have told her that I'm depressed and she has actually told me I'm not. She still denies that her husband hurt me in the past and continues to hurt me. I do not discuss my depression with her anymore. I love my mum and she loves me too, but there are certain subjects we can't discuss. My depression is one of them. I'm expected to smile, be happy, and present a perfect image at all times. This includes my physical appearance. My stepfather has always put me down and his latest comments have been about my weight. I'm ashamed of the way I look and of who I am. Sometimes I wonder why I was born.

My husband loves me in his own way and he is a good provider, but our marriage is a bit strained lately. I feel guilty because he bears all the financial responsibility. I'm unable to find a job that I can do. Who will hire somebody like me? Not only do I have a learning disability, I can't even get along with most people. I'm too shy and withdrawn, which some people view as rudeness or a bad attitude. I feel like he could be with a woman much better than myself...beautiful, successful, independent, and everything I can never be.

But enough with the self-pity for now, I guess. Thanks to all of you for listening.

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Thanks so much, guys. I can't tell you how much your kindness means to me. I appreciate that all of you took the time to respond in such a supportive way. It is very difficult for me to open up and share my thoughts/feelings with people, so it really means a lot.

Hey, AquaViolet! How have you been? No, I'm not seeing a doctor. I actually don't have a doctor of any kind...I haven't even been to the dentist in a while. My teeth still seem to be in good shape, though. I'm not on any meds either. Maybe I should be. I don't know. But to tell the truth, I'm afraid of meds and of most doctors because I've only met a few who are willing to listen.

When I first was told I needed to see a psychiatrist, I was really scared. I was afraid of being locked up in a mental ward.

But the truth is all the psychiatrists I have seen have been good doctors. The one I see now is excellent!

I told her my fears, and she reassured me, and really put my mind at ease.

I think you should see a doctor. And if he/she recommends medication, why not give it a try?

Medications have made all the difference for me. They gave me my life back.

Also therapy might help you. You've been through a lot in your life, and sometimes it helps to talk it out.

Anyway, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do regarding meds and therapy.

We are always here to listen at Depression Forums. Take care.

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Going into therapy is very difficult and actually going back is often moreso even when your experience was positive like mine. I had a very good therapist but still it was very difficult for me to make the move to go back, so I can't imagine how difficult it is to push through a bad experience. But push though is what you have to do because depression is like a creature that feeds on itself. The less you do to alleviate it, the greater its hold on you. I have good periods and bad periods, but even in a dark period I'm still better than I was before I returned.

Do you have any friends who are doctors who could recommend someone for you? That's how I found my therapist.

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the fact that you are actively trying to get help is good...its a start.

I have a site I go to when I am feeling dreadful...it's Please PM Member for Link and i always seem to feel a bit better realizing that others have just as bad if not worse lives than we do....

i am lonley too.....

Edited by Trace
Non depression related link removed as per TOS
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  • 2 months later...

Going into therapy is very difficult and actually going back is often moreso even when your experience was positive like mine. I had a very good therapist but still it was very difficult for me to make the move to go back, so I can't imagine how difficult it is to push through a bad experience. But push though is what you have to do because depression is like a creature that feeds on itself. The less you do to alleviate it, the greater its hold on you. I have good periods and bad periods, but even in a dark period I'm still better than I was before I returned.

Do you have any friends who are doctors who could recommend someone for you? That's how I found my therapist.

As I stated before, I don't have any friends at all, unless you count my mother and my husband. No one cares about me.

Most people are too busy living their own lives to worry about me. But thanks for your help anyway.

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the fact that you are actively trying to get help is good...its a start.

I have a site I go to when I am feeling dreadful...it's Please PM Member for Link and i always seem to feel a bit better realizing that others have just as bad if not worse lives than we do....

i am lonley too.....

I'm not sure why you perceive that I'm actively trying to get help, because I've basically given up on that. This forum is the only place I can come to...it is my last resort.

Therapy isn't really an option anymore. It is expensive and I have yet to meet a therapist who is genuinely interested in helping me.

I don't take comfort in knowing that others have it worse. Besides, I specifically said that I wasn't looking for that sort of advice (i.e. "count your blessings", "others have it worse").

I'm sorry....I know you mean well and I'm not trying to attack you. I simply feel frustrated. :verysad3:

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Guest NotYet

I'm not sure why you perceive that I'm actively trying to get help, because I've basically given up on that. This forum is the only place I can come to...it is my last resort.

When I get like this, I think about fish.

My dad used to take me fishing on a small pier when I was little. I got pretty good at it. Good enough to get bored. When you catch a fish you have to hold it down to get the hook out because no matter what happens to it, all it knows is to flop about.

If you put a fish down on the pier after you get the hook out, it will start flopping and flipping at random with its remaining strength. It doesn't know where its going or probably what its doing. Sometimes they flop toward the edge and land back in the water. I've seen them flop up the pier toward the land. I don't think they're going to sprout legs and run away though.

The fish only knows two things: its in trouble and all it can do is flop around and hope for the best.

So when I get trapped, I (metaphorically) flop around like a fish. I try new things. I read new things. I try to meet new people. Anything to change where I'm at mentally, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. It doesn't have to be a great idea or even a good idea, just an idea. Sometimes it backfires and i get worse, but sometimes I find the edge of the pier and land back in the river.

Be the fish. Start floppin'.

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I'm not sure why you perceive that I'm actively trying to get help, because I've basically given up on that. This forum is the only place I can come to...it is my last resort.

When I get like this, I think about fish.

My dad used to take me fishing on a small pier when I was little. I got pretty good at it. Good enough to get bored. When you catch a fish you have to hold it down to get the hook out because no matter what happens to it, all it knows is to flop about.

If you put a fish down on the pier after you get the hook out, it will start flopping and flipping at random with its remaining strength. It doesn't know where its going or probably what its doing. Sometimes they flop toward the edge and land back in the water. I've seen them flop up the pier toward the land. I don't think they're going to sprout legs and run away though.

The fish only knows two things: its in trouble and all it can do is flop around and hope for the best.

So when I get trapped, I (metaphorically) flop around like a fish. I try new things. I read new things. I try to meet new people. Anything to change where I'm at mentally, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. It doesn't have to be a great idea or even a good idea, just an idea. Sometimes it backfires and i get worse, but sometimes I find the edge of the pier and land back in the river.

Be the fish. Start floppin'.

Interesting analogy. I think I see what you're saying. While it sounds good in theory to "be the fish", what if a person is simply too tired to try anymore?

I don't know what to try. Sure, there are new things I would like to try but I feel like lots of obstacles hold me back from doing what I want to do. Meeting new people is something that really scares me because I feel rejected by most people. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I wish I could explain it fully but that would require me to list all the reasons.

There are so many positive changes I want to make, but I feel like I've completely lost the will to try. I've gained about 50 or 60 lbs. on a very small frame within the last few years due to my depression and some medical issues (ovarian cysts). I can't seem to lose the weight, which makes me feel that I'm being judged even more harshly. I have always felt ugly and now I feel worse about myself. I rarely leave my apartment anymore.

I don't have a job...can't get one for several reasons and I'm so discouraged that I don't try much anymore. I have a severe learning disability that I hide out of shame. I also live in a city where being bilingual is almost a MUST if you want to get a good job. If you live here and you're not bilingual, you'd better have experience and skills of some kind if you want to get a job. I only speak English and it's not like I haven't tried to learn other languages. Plus, it seems that every single job requires experience and complicated skills and a certain type of diploma or training. I've been to school and I'm not sure I can go back or even that I want to. I graduated as recently as 2010 with a degree that no one takes seriously.

I'm sorry to be a whiner, but seriously...**** my life! I am 28 years old and I'm miserable. I guess I do have a few things to smile about, but I just feel hopeless. Most other people seem to have their sh*t together (excuse my language), while I'm still living in the past and trying to recover from the abuse I went through. My family was abusive in their own way, my stepfather was abusive in his own way. My ex tried to ruin my life. He is now the father of a new baby girl with his girlfriend and I just found out recently. I can't have children and it is like a knife in my heart. My husband won't even talk about having kids. But my ex gets to be happy and live a wonderful life despite all the pain he caused me! It doesn't seem fair. As irrational as it sounds, this is just another way in which he has hurt me. He is on Facebook with his girlfriend, holding the baby and they're all smiles like one big happy family. This hurts me so much. :verysad3:

So yeah, I want to keep on floppin' but part of me doesn't want to try anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry....

Edited by FeelinBlueAllTheTime
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Guest NotYet

So yeah, I want to keep on floppin' but part of me doesn't want to try anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry....

I understand how you feel. I've been very tired for a long time and the spartan nature of my life tends to shock people.

It's great to want to make positive changes but what I'm talking about is smaller in scale. I don't mean that you need to run out and join a Chess club or read that book on relativity that you've had your eye on for years. I just mean shake up your life some.

Do you go grocery shopping? Go to a store across town instead of your usual place. Find a different route to take to get somewhere you often go, skipping highways if possible. If you wear shoes normally, find a pair of boots to wear! Or if you like boots, get some shoes. Rent a movie you think you'll absolutely hate and see if you really do. Try some kind of bizarre food. It might taste good or it might make you sick to your stomach. Try typing your next forum message without using your dominant hand.

To stay true to the analogy you just have to do things differently since what you're currently doing isn't working for you. You don't even have to solve one of your problems. By doing things differently in a contrarian or out-of-character way, you open pathways to new experiences you'd never have. Even small ones. Those experiences will alter your thought patterns and can potentially change your perspective and affect your depression. Occasionally they'll even lead you to the rare gem called inspiration.

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So yeah, I want to keep on floppin' but part of me doesn't want to try anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry....

I understand how you feel. I've been very tired for a long time and the spartan nature of my life tends to shock people.

It's great to want to make positive changes but what I'm talking about is smaller in scale. I don't mean that you need to run out and join a Chess club or read that book on relativity that you've had your eye on for years. I just mean shake up your life some.

Do you go grocery shopping? Go to a store across town instead of your usual place. Find a different route to take to get somewhere you often go, skipping highways if possible. If you wear shoes normally, find a pair of boots to wear! Or if you like boots, get some shoes. Rent a movie you think you'll absolutely hate and see if you really do. Try some kind of bizarre food. It might taste good or it might make you sick to your stomach. Try typing your next forum message without using your dominant hand.

To stay true to the analogy you just have to do things differently since what you're currently doing isn't working for you. You don't even have to solve one of your problems. By doing things differently in a contrarian or out-of-character way, you open pathways to new experiences you'd never have. Even small ones. Those experiences will alter your thought patterns and can potentially change your perspective and affect your depression. Occasionally they'll even lead you to the rare gem called inspiration.

NotYet...I really appreciate your kind words. I know I sound whiny and annoying, but thanks for trying to help me.

It's funny you mention chess, because my husband is an expert chess player! I never learned how to play. Maybe that could be a new hobby someday.

Yes, I do the grocery shopping once a week. I live in kind of an odd location and the store is right around the corner so I'm not sure it would be wise to take a trip out of the way just to buy food.

I took a drive last week while my husband was away on business and I walked around in this outdoor mall, so that provided a small change. He doesn't like me to drive long distances unless I'm visiting my mother, but I needed to get out and do something.

You are right that my life has become very routine although it is unstructured. I don't have a job or anything so I need to find some constructive activities to make me feel better. I also feel like some of the things I want to do require money and serious dedication. I would love to learn how to make roast chicken, or take a dance class, or make jewelry and sell it online. I've been wanting to get a new piercing but that might be a bit too spontaneous! :hmm:

Thanks for your suggestions, though. Maybe I will implement some new ideas tomorrow. BTW...you should consider writing some motivational books. I think you would do really well.

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