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Probugh, Here We Go Again...


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Hello there. I am hoping to seek some kind of advice on the relationship topic.

As a little background, I've been abused most of my life, by family and my boyfriends so i don't really trust people,

nor do i have the self confidence to really keep a relationship because i usually push them away..

BUT... In this new year i told myself that i WOULD be mood-happy again (and what a struggle!)

3 years in the making with my therapist and i can ALMOST see the end of the happy tunnel ha ha ha! ( or would it be the beginning ? anywho...)

So i have a spectacular boyfriend now, and yes i have said this before but really and truely he is..

He really cares about me and wanting me to get better,

which is turn makes me i feel worse..

Possible? AH!

I have some insecurities that he will leave me, cheat on me, lose interest... does he show any signs of this? NO, of course not.

But i seem to try to find something about him or set up situations to purposely get into arguments to tell myself,

OH he is horrid! Wow, what my mind goes through to keep up with it's depression!

Bottom line is, I want to get better and he does too, but he doesn't know how to cope with someone who is depressed (I am his first real gf, he is really big into his work ...) So really we have a very hard time seeing eye-to-eye on issues. Plus he is really positive, so when i try to explain depression to him, he basically just doesn't get it. Let's just say he is emotionless and i am over emotional. You can see the conflict that could arise.

How can i get him to become MORE emotional so i can be LESS? I feel like if he were more then i wouldn't feel the need to possibly bring out over emotions to see his emotions, if that makes sense...

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I think it makes sense. I've said this many times before, but it really is hard for people to relate to things which they have not experienced. There is still such a stigma attached to mental illness and many people still don't see it as being a disease. With that said though, I do think that coverage in the media and the more widespread acceptance of mental illness over the past decade have really helped to break down some people's barriers to being able to understand, or trying to understand more about mental illness and the affects it has on those who suffer from it.

In any individual case I think it just depends on the person and how willing they are to both listen to you about your illness, and to be able to support you by maybe reading about it online, or researching the disease you may have so that in some small way they may be able to put themselves in your shoes and have a better comprehension of what you are trying to tell them.

I've had this same problem before, and have had both very supportive, and very unsupportive relationships with people throughout my time with mental illness. The one thing I can say is that patience goes a long way. Even if he doesn't quite understand yet, the fact that he is accepting of it on a basic level and that he seems to show patience I think should give you some hope that he may come around even more to understanding what you're going through. As long as you communicate with him and you both are honest with each other you should be alright, getting to the point of mutual understanding (especially when he hasn't been through what you're going through) really just takes time.

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Thank you so much for the suggestion! I told him (and i admit i was nervous!) and he right away said sure! do you anything specifically you want me to read?!

Wow. what a relief!

I am going to look more into my diagnosis and we can work on it more together :)

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I have depressed since childhood and married a wonderful man who has never been depressed a day in his life. When we met I was in remission but I was very open about my struggles and my worries they would come back. They did come back when we had kids. Even though I was technically in "remission" before, I was and always am very emotional so that's always been a bit of an issue we've had learn to deal with.

One thing that's helped us is just working on purposely building a strong relationship. Sometimes it's just simple things like going out to dinner, a trip, and other times it's heart to heart talks but we're always working on what we can do to be stronger together. This has helped incredibly during the deepest times of my depression. We've had that to fall back on. It sounds like part of yours can be educating him on your illness, which is awesome! But have "fun" too just so you have that strong bond in place to fall back on when you need it. I can't stress how valuable this has been. It is, hands down, the most important part of my support system when I have a really down, dark time.

I hope that makes sense! :console:

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I have depressed since childhood and married a wonderful man who has never been depressed a day in his life. When we met I was in remission but I was very open about my struggles and my worries they would come back. They did come back when we had kids. Even though I was technically in "remission" before, I was and always am very emotional so that's always been a bit of an issue we've had learn to deal with.

One thing that's helped us is just working on purposely building a strong relationship. Sometimes it's just simple things like going out to dinner, a trip, and other times it's heart to heart talks but we're always working on what we can do to be stronger together. This has helped incredibly during the deepest times of my depression. We've had that to fall back on. It sounds like part of yours can be educating him on your illness, which is awesome! But have "fun" too just so you have that strong bond in place to fall back on when you need it. I can't stress how valuable this has been. It is, hands down, the most important part of my support system when I have a really down, dark time.

I hope that makes sense! :console:

I agree! I love going out (and sometimes not - i like laying in bed) so i always try to plan like dinner dates or going out to ice cream or something special. He works a lot with work, so mostly he is very tired but we always have our laughs which is good. I really just need to learn to LIVE and then i believe we would have more fun, since i am usually stressing out like, oh what next!

I think a mixture of both will really help us out! :flirt:

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I have depressed since childhood and married a wonderful man who has never been depressed a day in his life. When we met I was in remission but I was very open about my struggles and my worries they would come back. They did come back when we had kids. Even though I was technically in "remission" before, I was and always am very emotional so that's always been a bit of an issue we've had learn to deal with.

One thing that's helped us is just working on purposely building a strong relationship. Sometimes it's just simple things like going out to dinner, a trip, and other times it's heart to heart talks but we're always working on what we can do to be stronger together. This has helped incredibly during the deepest times of my depression. We've had that to fall back on. It sounds like part of yours can be educating him on your illness, which is awesome! But have "fun" too just so you have that strong bond in place to fall back on when you need it. I can't stress how valuable this has been. It is, hands down, the most important part of my support system when I have a really down, dark time.

I hope that makes sense! :console:

I agree! I love going out (and sometimes not - i like laying in bed) so i always try to plan like dinner dates or going out to ice cream or something special. He works a lot with work, so mostly he is very tired but we always have our laughs which is good. I really just need to learn to LIVE and then i believe we would have more fun, since i am usually stressing out like, oh what next!

I think a mixture of both will really help us out! :flirt:

It sounds like you are very lucky to have him. If he is open to learning about your illness, he's a keeper! :yay: Plus, you don't always have to go out, just hanging out around the house is the best. Those are the times when you really bond. :)

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I have depressed since childhood and married a wonderful man who has never been depressed a day in his life. When we met I was in remission but I was very open about my struggles and my worries they would come back. They did come back when we had kids. Even though I was technically in "remission" before, I was and always am very emotional so that's always been a bit of an issue we've had learn to deal with.

One thing that's helped us is just working on purposely building a strong relationship. Sometimes it's just simple things like going out to dinner, a trip, and other times it's heart to heart talks but we're always working on what we can do to be stronger together. This has helped incredibly during the deepest times of my depression. We've had that to fall back on. It sounds like part of yours can be educating him on your illness, which is awesome! But have "fun" too just so you have that strong bond in place to fall back on when you need it. I can't stress how valuable this has been. It is, hands down, the most important part of my support system when I have a really down, dark time.

I hope that makes sense! :console:

I agree! I love going out (and sometimes not - i like laying in bed) so i always try to plan like dinner dates or going out to ice cream or something special. He works a lot with work, so mostly he is very tired but we always have our laughs which is good. I really just need to learn to LIVE and then i believe we would have more fun, since i am usually stressing out like, oh what next!

I think a mixture of both will really help us out! :flirt:

It sounds like you are very lucky to have him. If he is open to learning about your illness, he's a keeper! :yay: Plus, you don't always have to go out, just hanging out around the house is the best. Those are the times when you really bond. :)

Yeah he really is but sometimes i just want to have fun and not talk about being sick or whatever. It makes me feel guilty. I am seeing him this weekend so i hope we can just have a good relaxing time.

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I've been on all sides of the spectrum with this one. I've dated others who were depressed when I was not, been depressed/anxious while dating a "normal" person, and now I'm married and me and my wife both have struggles with mental illness. It's pretty crazy how all these different situations have so many differing dynamics to them. I personally can't really say which is better or worse because they all have taught me something, and I'm thankful for that. In the end they've all kind of made me the partner that I am so I don't try to read too much into any of them. I just try to make my current relationship as healthy as I can.

Any time depression is involved it CAN make things difficult on a relationship, that much I know. One of the big lessons I've learned is to avoid getting co-dependent. There's a few things that help with that. A big thing is making sure that you take ownership of your mental health. Make sure your boyfriend knows it's not his job to fix you. Make sure that you take the best care of yourself that you can, and show him that you're working to learn to manage your mental health. If he see's this, he won't feel as if he has to intervene in some way and it will keep him from making your happiness feel like his responsibility. Also be sure to set up some boundaries. Make sure that if he's getting stressed by all of this that you give him some space. Likewise if you need space, make sure he understands that and gives it to you. You don't have to be cold or uncaring, you just have to keep each other from being a negative impact on each others mental health. You can still be very supportive and helpful without having to take on ownership of each others emotions. Sometimes we give so much to our partners that we simply wear ourselves out mentally and/or physically. Watching for this and using some healthy boundaries to avoid it goes a long way.

Ok, after that novel...

The issue with him being more sensitive and you being more trusting, that could be something you could look into couples therapy for. I truly believe that it can help us learn to be better communicators and work through situations like this. Sometimes hearing about depression and how it affects us from another person helps it really sink in for our partners. Also by going to therapy together you can work on the things I talked about above. You can find ways to really open up with each other and find healthy solutions to work through the problems you encounter. If therapy isn't something you're both willing to do, then try to have these kinds of conversations on your own. When it comes to any relationship communication is key, but it's even more so when your dealing with relationships and mental illness. It's amazing the kinds of things you can work through if you are willing to sit down and have productive conversations about them.

Don't feel guilty about talking about your depression. We all need support and if talking about it helps you, then don't feel like you need to hide it. It's up to him to accept you for who you are, and that includes your depression. I think you're making great strides and it sounds like you're on a great recovery path, but for now and if you feel depressed again at some point down the road, your both going to have to know how to work through it. I always talk about my anxiety when I'm not doing well, so I know how you feel. It does help to get it out though.

I definitely wish you both the best and hope you can figure this out. Keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself and just remember that all these things take time.

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I've been on all sides of the spectrum with this one. I've dated others who were depressed when I was not, been depressed/anxious while dating a "normal" person, and now I'm married and me and my wife both have struggles with mental illness. It's pretty crazy how all these different situations have so many differing dynamics to them. I personally can't really say which is better or worse because they all have taught me something, and I'm thankful for that. In the end they've all kind of made me the partner that I am so I don't try to read too much into any of them. I just try to make my current relationship as healthy as I can.

Any time depression is involved it CAN make things difficult on a relationship, that much I know. One of the big lessons I've learned is to avoid getting co-dependent. There's a few things that help with that. A big thing is making sure that you take ownership of your mental health. Make sure your boyfriend knows it's not his job to fix you. Make sure that you take the best care of yourself that you can, and show him that you're working to learn to manage your mental health. If he see's this, he won't feel as if he has to intervene in some way and it will keep him from making your happiness feel like his responsibility. Also be sure to set up some boundaries. Make sure that if he's getting stressed by all of this that you give him some space. Likewise if you need space, make sure he understands that and gives it to you. You don't have to be cold or uncaring, you just have to keep each other from being a negative impact on each others mental health. You can still be very supportive and helpful without having to take on ownership of each others emotions. Sometimes we give so much to our partners that we simply wear ourselves out mentally and/or physically. Watching for this and using some healthy boundaries to avoid it goes a long way.

Ok, after that novel...

The issue with him being more sensitive and you being more trusting, that could be something you could look into couples therapy for. I truly believe that it can help us learn to be better communicators and work through situations like this. Sometimes hearing about depression and how it affects us from another person helps it really sink in for our partners. Also by going to therapy together you can work on the things I talked about above. You can find ways to really open up with each other and find healthy solutions to work through the problems you encounter. If therapy isn't something you're both willing to do, then try to have these kinds of conversations on your own. When it comes to any relationship communication is key, but it's even more so when your dealing with relationships and mental illness. It's amazing the kinds of things you can work through if you are willing to sit down and have productive conversations about them.

Don't feel guilty about talking about your depression. We all need support and if talking about it helps you, then don't feel like you need to hide it. It's up to him to accept you for who you are, and that includes your depression. I think you're making great strides and it sounds like you're on a great recovery path, but for now and if you feel depressed again at some point down the road, your both going to have to know how to work through it. I always talk about my anxiety when I'm not doing well, so I know how you feel. It does help to get it out though.

I definitely wish you both the best and hope you can figure this out. Keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself and just remember that all these things take time.

Thank you so much for your advice, I am very co-dependent and i don't want to be but it is VERY strange for me. My parents never gave me an independence, they would pick out what i was doing, when i would do it and how i would do it. I feel like this new medicine i am taking will push me more into the direction i want to be in. I can tell i am getting better and i need to give myself more credit. I have never been in a good relationship until now so needless to say i have a very low level of self confidence, thank my parents again for that one. My motto growing up was you are simply never good enough and as hard as you try you will never please your parents. I know am going off on a rant, but i am sure you can tell how all these things go hand in hand. Growing older really does change you and help you in ways you thought wow, i am so glad i can actually see when i overreact or when i am being too dependent one someone. My boyfriend is amazing, simply put.. there is nothing he wouldn't do to see me get better and in a way that scares the s*** out of me. It is like, wow there is someone who actually loves me? Doesn't judge me... is worth the effort? This must be a joke this seems, but then again it goes back to what i said earlier. I need to learn to love myself more. I have a lot of work to do but this year once it since the new year i was so SICK of my old life, i delayed 3 years of college laying around doing nothing, loathing in self misery and i just finally had enough. I am still a wreck, i still get emotional but i have come to realize it is a process, and that being said it takes TIME. Which as my anxiety knows, doesn't work out for me so much.

I would really love to me independent but i am AFRAID, I wish i could run like hell away from this subject. I can't stand the thought of being alone. 3 hours is my max, i know it is not the greatest thing but i feel if i am alone, i start to think, i start to DWELL and as soon as my anxiety attacks come into play i jump on the phone and will not stop calling him until i get what i need. It is like a fix, once i hear his voice, i am free of all those feelings i felt. I need to trust more in myself and i need to make is it hard. Without his voice, i feel empty.. i want to cry. I go to a therapist every tuesday and i am slowly trying to get over these feelings. It is like my addiction. I haven't not had a boyfriend since i was 13 at least. None of them ever really any good until now. I am 20 now, you can tell how changing right now, just like that is just wishing that you could fly.

As you were saying he is a positive person, he doesn't really have anything to stress over, has great parents etc. He wants to find a solution to my problems because in respect he just wants to help. I tell him now to just listen, and he does so it has been working out better lately. He i feel can talk about anything. I am so lucky to have him in my life and has my therapist says, you are your own self fulling prophecy, which basically means, since i am so afraid of him leaving - i am making him (in the long run) want to leave, I am setting myself up for failure. We broke up for a day because he just thought he couldn't help me, that i didn't want to get better. That felt like more pain then any depression has ever caused me. I felt like i had NOTHING left, I don't think i have ever begged and cried for hours for someone to take me back. He wanted me to prove that i could put forth more effort to get better and ever since they i really haven't given up. I realize is it going to be my depression i want in the long run or him. Well i've had enough with depression and we aren't the greatest pals so i chose him LOL.

I as well have written you a novel, and i am sure i could harp on even more. I love to write. But i just wanted to say thank you because it really opened my eyes to somethings i didn't even know until i wrote them down here....

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(((lisa)))

I'm glad that my post helped. :Coopwink:

It's always nice to feel like I can help others with my experience. As for the co-dependence, just do the best you can to learn to be more independent. It's not something you can learn over night, but it is something you can eventually get a grip on. It's going to take some time working with your therapist and putting in some hard work youself as well. These things will come in time as long as you keep trying to get there. Much like depression, it's a learning process and your going to have to trust in yourself at some point, more than you ever have. It's scary, but you can get there.

I know your boyfriend gets scared and wants to help you. Just make sure he realizes that he can't make this all go away. No matter what he does or how much he tries, it's something he can't will away. It's something he can't fix. That's got to be something that you have to do. He can be caring and supportive, which is GREAT to have, but he also has to trust in you. He has to believe that you can work through this, and let you do that. Hopefully he can realize this and have the patience to let that happen. It sounds like you two have a good relationship and that's what will get you two through all this. It's hard for him to understand because unless some one has been through this, they really can't understand. By trying to though, he's already showing that he's willing to do what it takes.

Don't ever worry about writing too much here on DF. It's one of my favorite forums I've ever been on because people put so much thought and time into their posts. Whatever you need to talk about and whenever you need to let it out, we're always here to listen! :console:

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(((lisa)))

I'm glad that my post helped. :Coopwink:

It's always nice to feel like I can help others with my experience. As for the co-dependence, just do the best you can to learn to be more independent. It's not something you can learn over night, but it is something you can eventually get a grip on. It's going to take some time working with your therapist and putting in some hard work youself as well. These things will come in time as long as you keep trying to get there. Much like depression, it's a learning process and your going to have to trust in yourself at some point, more than you ever have. It's scary, but you can get there.

I know your boyfriend gets scared and wants to help you. Just make sure he realizes that he can't make this all go away. No matter what he does or how much he tries, it's something he can't will away. It's something he can't fix. That's got to be something that you have to do. He can be caring and supportive, which is GREAT to have, but he also has to trust in you. He has to believe that you can work through this, and let you do that. Hopefully he can realize this and have the patience to let that happen. It sounds like you two have a good relationship and that's what will get you two through all this. It's hard for him to understand because unless some one has been through this, they really can't understand. By trying to though, he's already showing that he's willing to do what it takes.

Don't ever worry about writing too much here on DF. It's one of my favorite forums I've ever been on because people put so much thought and time into their posts. Whatever you need to talk about and whenever you need to let it out, we're always here to listen! :console:

(((lisa)))

I'm glad that my post helped. :Coopwink:

It's always nice to feel like I can help others with my experience. As for the co-dependence, just do the best you can to learn to be more independent. It's not something you can learn over night, but it is something you can eventually get a grip on. It's going to take some time working with your therapist and putting in some hard work youself as well. These things will come in time as long as you keep trying to get there. Much like depression, it's a learning process and your going to have to trust in yourself at some point, more than you ever have. It's scary, but you can get there.

I know your boyfriend gets scared and wants to help you. Just make sure he realizes that he can't make this all go away. No matter what he does or how much he tries, it's something he can't will away. It's something he can't fix. That's got to be something that you have to do. He can be caring and supportive, which is GREAT to have, but he also has to trust in you. He has to believe that you can work through this, and let you do that. Hopefully he can realize this and have the patience to let that happen. It sounds like you two have a good relationship and that's what will get you two through all this. It's hard for him to understand because unless some one has been through this, they really can't understand. By trying to though, he's already showing that he's willing to do what it takes.

Don't ever worry about writing too much here on DF. It's one of my favorite forums I've ever been on because people put so much thought and time into their posts. Whatever you need to talk about and whenever you need to let it out, we're always here to listen! :console:

My new medication has really been helping out lately! He is back to work from being off on break for a week so that kind of made me co-dependent even more, but now he is at work and i feel i have the medicine to help me we are doing better and it has only been a couple says! We actually had a convo tonight NOT about me, and he laughed and "made fun of me" and i didn't take it personal (wasn't anything bad, i just always overreact) and joked along and that really made me feel like i am getting somewhere! Even more then makes me happy is we are getting back to the feeling of the happy couple and that really is worth all the struggle. He does what he can, we are both smart people and able to figure things out just sometimes it is a bit harder. Thanks again, :)

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