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Gratitude - Mention At Least Three Things You


Violet31

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The leaves on the trees in the front yard have somehow grown overnight, it seems.

I've figured out part of my problem at home and how I can make life easier, although I don't like doing it. I think I come across as stronger and more capable than I actually am right now. I told my roommate my midpoint grades in order to reassure her that I'm not staying up late drinking or doing drugs, but I think it's worked to make her feel like I'm not doing enough for her. I'll just share more school and work frustration with her, then, so she'll understand that I'm under a lot of pressure. Just because I don't want to pile it on top of her doesn't mean it isn't there. Her husband recently died, so she's been jolted by the loss of how much he did for her. And seems to expect her daughter and me to pick up where he left off. She expects way too much of me. On top of this, I don't agree with a lot of what she does and how she does it, but I have to go along to get along right now. 

I had another awesome lab last night. I'm going to miss my lab partners. Two of them got on my nerves at first, but not now. Our professor gave us an unknown substance that we have a month to identify. Fortunately, I found a few tests that would narrow down the search by 75% and discovered what mine is on the first night. I still have to run all the tests, but at least I don't have to fret about it for three more weeks.

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I thought I had insomnia, but as soon as I logged in here, my sedative kicked in.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to make more effort to move out of here. My biggest problem is transportation.

Yep. The sedative kicked in.

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I finally got through at least to leave a message for someone so that I can get a document for my taxes. One is being mailed to me already, so this is the last one I need. I usually don't wait this long to do them, but at least they'll be easy this year.

The hope I started to feel recently hasn't wavered. I'm definitely climbing back up. 🙂 

I am going to change my schedule so that I have Fridays off instead of another day. I need to make more effort to have a social life, no matter the client I get at work.

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I'm grateful that life is constantly changing. Even though it feels as though the last few months have dragged on massively, I've grown stronger. I actually had the will to meet one of my friends yesterday. It reminded me of how life used to be and I guess how it could be, once I get better. It's definitely worth fighting for. And at least now I feel I'm getting somewhere, and I won't be stuck in this pit forever.

My friends aren't perfect. They don't always react the way I want them too, but at least they're there, and they never fail to be funny in their own way.

Edited by Soarsie18
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A calm, steady hand with a calm, steady voice to match, I'm sure. ❤️ 

Not giving up when things are difficult, but knowing when something is a lost cause. 😉

One tulip has bloomed!

Using restraint and waiting until I have a level head to make decisions. 

Windchimes on the porch. It's a beautiful morning, and I'm sitting on the porch.

 

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I can be more organized and cut my problems at home down by half or less, I'm sure. I can also remind my roommate that my footing isn't solid. I feel like she's sucking me into her wants like a vacuum, and I'm holding onto the door frame for dear life. Speaking of vacuums. For some reason, she's fixating on me right now. Probably because I'm home more. I need to change my schedule.

I'm happy that I've learned some hard lessons about dealing with people. I used to be so naive. Now I know that people have to earn trust. 

I've found a way to rearrange my schedule for the summer and the fall.

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Someone suggested that only focusing on things I'm grateful for is a way of denying what has happened to me and the negative emotions and distorted thoughts I have about what's happening around me. So, I'll write a tiny bit more about my experience, but not a lot. I just don't have time. It's faster and easier for me to take aspirin and antacids for the headaches and indigestion that denial causes, at least until the end of the summer. I'm grateful for the perspective, though.

I sat on the porch to eat breakfast, and one of the cats entertained me by climbing the tree. 🙂

My roommate has family coming to visit today, so the spotlight will be off of me. I think she's disappointed with me because I'm here in the mornings when she used to have breakfast and a morning routine with her husband. I'm not him. I'm not participating in the old routine. So, Rapunzel will be in her room for the next year and a half, not reminding her roommate of her losses. 😐 

I prefer to rip off bandaids and have the iron guts to do so. It saves time. I'd rather know now.

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Grateful that I got through the worst of it and am alive and breathing right now. Also grateful that my brain has finally started working, can finally use it to do some problem solving questions on my past papers. No better feeling in the world than getting the right answer to a tricky question :)

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I feel a bit better this morning.

The birds are singing.

My roommate showed me an article on grief this morning and said that she thinks I'm grieving after having lost so much. I'm not sure where this newfound interest is coming from, but I'm not complaining! I think I'm mixing people up again. I need a break from everything and everyone. Maybe I'll go spend a night somewhere in between semesters. I do want to see the beach this summer. Maybe now is the best time for me to go.

 

Edited by moodyjuniper
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The ground is wet from a thunderstorm last night, but the sun just burst out of the clouds. Everything is glistening.

My favorite kitty is asleep beside me.

Next week is when I reclaim my time. I have essays, summaries, and a quiz due tomorrow night, so this class owns me this weekend. My coworker is studying to be a personal trainer, so he's motivating me and giving me advice. 

I have another new client today. I like the variety. 🙂

I've decided to immerse myself in things in thoughts and visions of how my life will look when I'm free of the things that are pinning me to my past. It's a motivating escape. I hope it works. 

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I got a quiz out of the way this morning. It's going to be a long night, though. Work, then essays and summaries, which are technically due by midnight. My professor won't be awake to grade it, though, so she lets us stay up until early morning to finish them. 🙂

Our company is leaving today. Not that I've been home to be stressed out. They're really nice people, but I'm absolutely not in a state of mind to entertain right now. I find that really challenging after my ex. I'm working through it, though. I'll get there.

I have two appointments this week that will help me get onto a better track. I need to change my sedative. It's too strong, but I can't function during the day without one right now. Once I get through a few months of real therapy, that'll probably change. 

I know how to make myself feel like I'm standing on more solid ground. Reconnect with family, just in case. I missed my uncle's funeral. I didn't have time, but I'll go to see my aunt alone very soon and take her flowers. I don't think I could have handled the crowd of the funeral.

I really don't feel guilty for not having time for people right now, because I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing the right thing for myself, even though people think my lack of time for them is not the right thing for them. If that makes me selfish, so be it. It'll benefit all of us in the long run.

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Love.

I made it home before the storm last night.

I still have one (easy) extra credit assignment that will make up the loss of missed points last night. The bed won. I turned in my assignment half-finished. Half is better than nothing. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Peer pressure (my roommate) got me up, although it was only in my head. Thankfully, I'm off today, and it feels amazing on the porch this morning.

My imaginary child has kept me from vomiting for over a week now. 🙂 Now he's encouraging me to go out and start my own medical kit again by buying a thermometer because I wish my problem was physical instead of mental.

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Despite it all. I'm grateful that i'm here. I'm grateful that I still have time to make things better. 

I can still get through this. It's not over yet. Just have to keep calming myself down, and getting into that good mental state that allows me to function properly.

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20 hours ago, Soarsie18 said:

Despite it all. I'm grateful that i'm here. I'm grateful that I still have time to make things better. 

I can still get through this. It's not over yet. Just have to keep calming myself down, and getting into that good mental state that allows me to function properly.

In art therapy, we decorated self-care boxes, in which we are supposed to put items that will help us when we're feeling depressed or anxious or triggered. Because I have PTSD, I have a rock in mine that I hold and use to ground myself. Also, tangerine essential oil to attract my attention away from negative thoughts. Our sense of smell is the oldest of our senses and is wired in our brains differently than the others, so it's a powerful tool. FYI. 🙂 

You mentioned somewhere here that you like to meditate. Have you thought of making yourself a meditation corner or spot in your room? You can put things in it that are soothing and remind you to take care of yourself, not to leave your well-being behind when your mind starts taking you on trips you don't want to be on. It helped me long before any of my garbage started up.

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Sounds good, I use calming oils, they have helped me with sleep massively. And i have a meditation spot up on a window ledge that overlooks the sea, the best time is in the morning when the sun is rising and you can see the colours reflect off the waves. I'm grateful for that. Have been neglecting it for too long though. @moodyjuniper

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