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whatchagonnado

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Hi 40+,

Back after 2 weeks of having met with a psychiatrist for the first time and starting the meds. Its been a nightmare of 2 weeks dealing with all the side effects but got quite a few suggestions here that the side effects will pass by the 3rd/4th week and so hanging in and hoping that the side effects go off and the meds start kicking in and for me to start feeling a bit better. So ... am NOT giving up the fight yet .....

All the best to all of you and as Tim always says "be kind to yourselves".

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Hi. Yesterday I went to see the doctor at the clinic I have to go to. She was very nice, but I am feeling like there might not be the help I need. She is going to try and get me in to see a psychiatrist. She told me to call my insurance to get a list of therapists. I already see, now and than, a therapist. Have an appointment on Momday with her. She is great with the ABC's of " getting out there and take small steps ", but I am struggling to do small steps. So, if I get another therapist that doesn't help me address the reasons why...I don't know what the F I will do. I told the doctor, in tears, that I am reserching ways and I think about ways. Told her that I NEED HELP. She gave me the crisis line number. Nothing wrong with that, but I am jusr wanting to scream right now. Not really at anybody, but I want to find strength, to either live, or to die.

There was a day hospital program at a hospital that I was hoping would work out, but they don't take this basic health insurance. Had a touch of hope there, and it is gone. I don't have the strength to fight. And I can't ask anybody else to fight much for me. At least not what I need.

And even though a few people I know have their hearts in the right place, I want to scream! when I hear things like " it's dark right now "..." things will get better ". I have had fifty...years...of ...this. The only thing different now is that I don't have any more holes in which to hide.

I am so alone right now and I need something to happen soon, one way or the other. I am a broken record and I am giving up caring about that. People don't like to hear it, then go.

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Hi, whatchagonnado. I am very disappointed that the only response to your cry for help was a phone number. I have to assume that you are in the US, and underinsured in the worst way possible. Twenty years ago, hospitalization was more than an option for those lucky few whose insurance paid for it - it was mandatory for those whose lives were in danger. I am so sorry you aren't getting the hope you need. If you can, please keep posting here. Even though our words are little solace, maybe just hearing that we care can keep you going one more day. You are in my thoughts. M of P

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Hi Whatchagonnado,

I wish there was something I could do to help. I send good thoughts to you and hope you will find the strength you need.

(((hugs)))

Meirionne

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She told me to call my insurance to get a list of therapists. I already see, now and than, a therapist. Have an appointment on Momday with her. She is great with the ABC's of " getting out there and take small steps ", but I am struggling to do small steps. So, if I get another therapist that doesn't help me address the reasons why...I don't know what the F I will do. I told the doctor, in tears, that I am reserching ways and I think about ways. Told her that I NEED HELP. She gave me the crisis line number. Nothing wrong with that, but I am jusr wanting to scream right now. Not really at anybody, but I want to find strength, to either live, or to die.

Hi whatchagonnado, :console::hugs:

I haven't been on this thread the last days, so I didn't know about your special cry before now! For now Monday has past and you have hopefully seen your therapist again. I hope you told her about how you feel for the time being, the burn out! If you already have a therapist you don't need a new one. It's nothing wrong with a crisis-number. Access to such a number have helped many. It might be the first step to a new beginning ...

If you are struggling with the step by step model, it possibly means that you will need time to recover. In the meantime you need to be connected to someone, something ... Do you have any interests; religious, Red Cross or something ...? If there is a place near you were you can meet others and be yourself (not as a volunteer, but as someone who gets help from the volunteers), it might be a place where you can "rest" mentally while doing your "small steps" forward in life.

Sorry I can't give you more! We live in a world that many experience as cold, but please don't give in ... Use DF as much as you want to ....

Good wishes! :rose:

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I'm glad to have a place to rant here and I hope something I said makes sense, or even helps someone.

:laugh:

Your "ranting" is really good. Hope someone did find it helpful! :nod:

Rosegirl, you are a breath of fresh air, as always,

Thanks! To day I have a bad day, however, ... :verysad3:

I continue to work unpaid, and now am worried that if I quit, I will lose the potential of a paycheck for work done in February (January's work is still outstanding). So, I have decided to finish with my students, because I care about them. I will not, however, take on any more. I feel better finally having made a decision, even if I come out somewhat the loser in the situation. Knowing is almost always better than not knowing.

Congrats with the solution! Yes to have made a choice is better than just fleeting around (as long as the choice doesn't mean suicide - had to say that. Can't know who reads and some could interpret the choice wrongfully).

Back after 2 weeks of having met with a psychiatrist for the first time and starting the meds. Its been a nightmare of 2 weeks dealing with all the side effects (...) So ... am NOT giving up the fight yet .....

Sure you will make it!!!

....................................................

In my life it is quite a patience test to do some "de-cluttering" a day. To look at all the clutter makes me sick, but there is no other way then to go on, getting rid of some clutter each day, so perhaps in some months (???) it will be OK ... :verysad3:

All the best to everybody!

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MommyofPrecious, thanks, BTW I got a haircut yesterday and it looked awesome when I got out of bed today! :laugh: Maybe awesome is the wrong word, but it sounded good!

whatchagonnado I really feel for you and your difficult situation. I hope you can get some help and feel better. You are fortunate to have the power of knowledge available on the internet. I hope you can get some guidance from your friends on DF and other sites. Sounds like Rosegirl has good advice regarding the crisis line. Any help is help even if it seems like it's not enough, it's definitely worth a call to find out. :) whatchagonnado, you also have my (((hugs))) and prayers. Take Care.

Dear +40 peeps, have any of you had any experience with light therapy. Now that spring is near in the northern hemisphere it may seem like a silly question. I would appreciate any input on light therapy because I'm looking at trying it in the fall.

I hope everyone is having a great day! :icon12:

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Dear +40 peeps, have any of you had any experience with light therapy. Now that spring is near in the northern hemisphere it may seem like a silly question. I would appreciate any input on light therapy because I'm looking at trying it in the fall.

HI Crazyguy-I've used a small Sunbeam "Happy light" before and it helped get me going during those dark hours up here. Well worth a try. Sunbeam also has lightbulbs you can purchase.

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Hi everyone, I'm having a really bad evening so I thought I'd come in here and see if posting here makes me feel a bit better. I made red beans and rice for supper and haven't touched it. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of this divorce, what my ex said on FB, and everything else renting space in my head. Every time I see her, she seems to have blossomed just that much more, losing weight, running every day as she trains for a 10K, looking more beautiful, alive and sexy than it seems she ever was while she was with me. And as I watch her engage in her new life, I feel myself withering that much more, growing more despondent, more insecure, more self-loathing, more and more held in the grip of inertia, unable to take initiative and start carving out a new identity for myself, helplessly clinging to a past I know is gone, but hoping like an irrational junkie that I might get one more "fix".

I'm tired of consistently ignoring my own advice. I'm tired of procrastinating endlessly. I'm tired of complaining about all this. I'm just so tired of everything. To add to all this, I found out tonight that my 85 yo, trusting, not quite mentally competent dad is probably being scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars by his "handyman", that the rest of my siblings have already started taking action to stop it, but nobody informed me until days after the fact. I feel like this family isn't a family. Nobody keeps in touch with anybody, at least not on a consistent basis. I sometimes feel like I'd rather be an orphan than have a family that just doesn't seem to give a [email protected]@@ about staying connected.

I'm tired of feeling frozen, stagnant and unable to accomplish what I think are reasonable goals. I'm 43 and have yet to make more than 30K a year. I know money isn't everything, but I'm not asking for a rolls Royce lifestyle. I'm tired of being held back by my MI. I feel like this depression is an albatross that I've carried around my neck for thirty years. I feel like I've fought and fought and fought with drugs, therapy, activities, meditation and it just hangs on like a rotten barnacle on a dock piling, sinking its teeth in deeper with every passing day. And each day, I feel like my window of opportunity - for a successful career, for a healthy relationship (ha! yeah, right, who am I kidding), for a fulfilling life - gets smaller and smaller, if it hasn't already closed completely.

More and more these days, I see old men in shabby clothes, men who wear looks of cataclysmic loneliness and resigned despair, in my store, on on the sidewalk, at the doctor's office, men who look like they have no one in this world, no family, no friends, no spouse, who are rattling aimlessly through life like empty cornhusks blown by a cold autumn wind, and I shudder to think that I am seeing my future.

I am tired of this life.

:-(

Edited by LonelyHiker

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Oh my gosh, LonelyHiker, you have written so movingly and eloquently and yet with such despair. I am so sad for you and what you are going through, and wish there was something I could say or do that would make you feel even a little bit better.

I understand about family, and often wish I had a different one, but maybe it can be enough to just keep in touch with your dad and let the others go. It hurts, I know, but it will less as time goes by. For your divorce and the ex, all I can say is that it is natural to feel terrible to see her seemingly thrive while you feel you are failing. I just hope that in a clearer moment you can see everything you are doing to help yourself, and all the challenges you have already overcome. I often think that we with depression have faced and conquered obstacles that would break the average person, and we need to acknowledge ourselves for our strength and resilience. Sometimes, it isn't a pretty or elegant process, but we continue to survive and that takes courage, my friend, and you are so brave to face your demons and express your feelings in the way that you do.

Please don't believe that there is only one window of opportunity - for anything. There are so many windows that are yet to come into view, I truly believe that, and when I'm ready, I will be standing right in front of "my window." Maybe it's not going to be the one I'm looking for (not Rolls Royce, either, but maybe mid-range sedan?), but it will be what I need. Wait for your window, LonelyHiker, as long as it takes, and maybe take a break from trying to accomplish large or set goals. Sometimes, it's OK to just coast for a while.

When I read your posts, and imagine the kind of person you are, the mental picture I conjure up is not of those vacant, defeated unfortunates you described. I picture someone who is alive but hurting, someone in need of comfort instead of judgment. So, if you can, be kinder to yourself, as everyone here at DF would if we were there.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

M of P

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Dear +40 peeps, have any of you had any experience with light therapy. Now that spring is near in the northern hemisphere it may seem like a silly question. I would appreciate any input on light therapy because I'm looking at trying it in the fall.

HI Crazyguy-I've used a small Sunbeam "Happy light" before and it helped get me going during those dark hours up here. Well worth a try. Sunbeam also has lightbulbs you can purchase.

T on C, thanks for the info! Do you just use the light during the winter or all year round? (like on cloudy days) Did getting light in the morning help with sleeping at night?

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T on C, thans for the info! Do you just use the light during the winter or all year round? (like on cloudy days) Did getting light in the morning help with sleeping at night?

Mostly on those days that are grey-up here from Oct to March. Cannot say for the sleeping part as I'm an incurable insomniac, but I'm sure other members have used them and will chime in.

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SSI-Denied...SSDI-Denied. Time to lawyer up...

T on C Sorry you got denied Social Security Disability Insurance and Supplemental Security Income. Lawyers disgust me, I'm not sure what to say but you have my thoughts and prayers. I'm beaming you some good karma ------->>> ((((T on C))))

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SSI-Denied...SSDI-Denied. Time to lawyer up...

Sorry to hear this T on C. Hope your appeal is successful.

(((Lonely Hiker))), I hope by now you might be feeling a little better, and I am sorry to hear you are so down. We all ignore our own advice sometimes and the struggle just gets to be too much. I love the post from MofP and I agree that you should coast for a while gather your strength for the next round.

I've not had a wonderful week either. I seem to have been mired in those negative thoughts again, but next week will be better I hope. Tomorrow we are planning a day out to the coast and a walk.

Take care all

Meirionne

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OK, doing better today. MoP and Meirionne, I appreciate your kind words. Looking at what I wrote the other night, I do admit that I was waxing a bit on the dramatic side. Eh, well.... I AM an actor, and I guess the histrionics do surface from time to time :-)

Saw my pdoc yesterday, upped the Cymbalta from 60 to 90. Worth a shot, anyway.

Sorry about your denial, ToC. Take it to them, brother!

Edited by LonelyHiker

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Hi, T on C. I'm late with the congrats, but I am happy that you have found a place to live. I hope that won't be affected by the denial by social security. I know you will keep on, though, and I will continue with the hopes and prayers.

Meirionne, hope the walk to the coast is restorative, and you get out of what you describe as negative thoughts.

LonelyHiker, glad you're doing a bit better, and you are welcome to pull out the drama from time to time.

I am feeling like a slug, still working the two part time jobs, feeling run down and weepy but holding it together. I wish for so much, but won't write any of it down, don't want to make myself feel worse. Well, Ok, just one: I wish I had a big bag of Doritos, I think that would make me happy for a little while. :rolleyes:

It's Friday tomorrow, hail and hallelujah! Hugs to all, M of P

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Dear +40 peeps, have any of you had any experience with light therapy. Now that spring is near in the northern hemisphere it may seem like a silly question. I would appreciate any input on light therapy because I'm looking at trying it in the fall.

I have, crazygy. It was very helpful. I can send you a link if you want too. It is not to be used by Bipolars. For Diabetics it can be used if the eyes are OK (that means no "no" to the light box by you doctor).

RG

Edited by Rosegirl

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Hi to all;

I have read through the posts and I wish everyone of you to be able to carry your burdens through what hurts and into a more lighter path. (Sorry that I don't have the energy to "speak" to each person - but know I did read).

Something unexpected has happened in my life and I feel complete down, sad and depressed. Earlier this day I thought I should have a break down. There is so much, so many things that have to be fixed and I'm not young anymore. I have lost so much time. Since I have come here to DF this day, I feel a bit relaxed. I have not eaten regular meals this week and I had an experience earlier this week that made me sad. I had hoped I could make that because I saw hope for not too long ago. I didn't make it and now I'm self-blaming and feeling that the obstacles on my road are to many.

Well, since I'm here, I have decided to try more (but not more than I can manage). It's soon bedtime here. I will heat some fish (fish makes one sleepy; have you noticed?) pray and go to bed.

As soon as I wake up to morrow I will enter this forum and tell a bit about my plans. I will do it here because this is in a protected room. The one step at a time forum isn't.

Be well all :wub: See you tomorrow! :hugs:

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Hi to all;

I have read through the posts and I wish everyone of you to be able to carry your burdens through what hurts and into a more lighter path. (Sorry that I don't have the energy to "speak" to each person - but know I did read).

Something unexpected has happened in my life and I feel complete down, sad and depressed. Earlier this day I thought I should have a break down. There is so much, so many things that have to be fixed and I'm not young anymore. I have lost so much time. Since I have come here to DF this day, I feel a bit relaxed. I have not eaten regular meals this week and I had an experience earlier this week that made me sad. I had hoped I could make that because I saw hope for not too long ago. I didn't make it and now I'm self-blaming and feeling that the obstacles on my road are to many.

Well, since I'm here, I have decided to try more (but not more than I can manage). It's soon bedtime here. I will heat some fish (fish makes one sleepy; have you noticed?) pray and go to bed.

As soon as I wake up to morrow I will enter this forum and tell a bit about my plans. I will do it here because this is in a protected room. The one step at a time forum isn't.

Be well all :wub: See you tomorrow! :hugs:

Rosegirl I'm checking in on iPhone so gotta be short. I'm thinking of you and praying for your health. Please eat something healthy and take care of yourself. :). God bless!

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T of C good luck with your ssi/ssdi appeals. My work credits expired years ago so I'll never be eligible even though I'm permanently physically disabled and can't work enough to keep a roof over my head and medical care. I've gotten enough information from multiple sources the past couple days to really wonder how I'll survive homeless eventually. This marriage and divorce are gonna leave me without a pan to p*ss in as well as MDD. As usual others are going to benefit from my misfortune. I have no family and I'm betting my daughter will make a break for it as soon as she's of legal age so only 1 1/2 years to go.

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Onmyown. Is there any church or community group that you can get help? I wish there was something I could do to help. You have my thoughts and prayers! :)

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Crazyguy, thanks. The area I'm in is overloaded with people in need so resources aren't keeping up. Until I come up with the retainer and get an attorney and papers filed nobody'll touch me. I can make it for now, sorta, but it's what happens when there's nothing left that scares me. I went through all kinds of testing to try to get re-educated for the job market---it wasted 2 years and the conclusion was there was no money to train me and I should go work retail. They had the doctor's report on my limitations and their answer went against all of it. If I can just make it til my daughter is in college then I can deal with sleeping on couches or whatever like I did in my 20s. I'm going to see if I can qualify for TANF next week to get food stamps and medicaid so I can go to the doctors as often as I really need to---the still being married may knock me out of that though, even though I'm not getting any support.

The BS has me down for the day like I'm sure it will many more. I just hate getting kicked in the teeth when I'm trying to help myself and do my best for myself and others. I'm just plain tired, etc.... I'll keep plugging along though til I need the next break from disappointment. Rinse and repeat....

Best wishes.

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Sorry to hear your having such a rough time, onmyown! I hope you'll be able to get some of the help you need from the social services you mentioned.

Yes, divorce is a kick in the teeth, indeed :-(

Peace,

Tim

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