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Trouble With Husband

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Hi all

I posted undert newbie forum today. I have a problem with my relationship with my husband and my depression.

First, I want to say he is very wonderful, and loves me very much. But my depressin has taken its toll on our marriage. He wants to do something and all i want to do is sleep.

I have Fibromyalgia, and he is very aware of this, so he is compassionate, but I can't get around, almost never. We go out to eat that is all. He wants more, at least an hour in a museum or someting. Not very exciting for me.

I have a HUUUUGE problem. In May, his family is going to Italy. We went there 19 years ago for honeymoon, and I dreamed of the day i could go back. But my body has gotten so bad any trip like that is impossible for me.

My husband is going with them, without me. Now, I should be happy for him, but I can't be, I am DEVASTATED. I am feeling very sorry for myself, and the fact that he is going is interfearing with my feelings and our marriage.

Now he has offered not to go, but i want him to go. it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he works so hard and has had personal hardships recently, he should go. So I insisted he go, despite my feelings.

I don't know how not to keep this from ******* me. It plagues me, and i think about it every day.

We are starting with a marriage counselor soon, but no amount of talking will change my feelings of self pity and depression.

I don't know what to do about these things......Italy, and he wants to do more on the weekends than I want.

I have lost the personality that he wants back.


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I'm sorry to hear that you're illness is keeping you from doing the things you want to do. The thing is, your husband has to learn to accept you for who you are. He can't change that and neither can you, so trying to be that person again isn't going to do either of you any good. I know it's not easy, but it's the only real choice you both have.

As far as him leaving, I can understand why you feel like it's a catch 22. No matter what you pick, either he suffers or you do. I would have a talk with him about it and see what his view is. Maybe you could work something out. I do think that while you're stressed about him going, you would find a way to cope once he was gone. Often times we get so anxious about something, then once the actual event comes, it's not as bad as we thought it would be. You could even talk to your therapist and see if you could set up extra appointments while he's gone. That might help you deal with it a little better. Obviously it's up to you two to decide, but I thought I'd give my advice and support.

Whatever you both decide don't regret the decision. Even if he decides not to go, he will get past that in time. If you simply can't see yourself coping, then there's no reason you should feel guilty about him staying.

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Hi VJoy,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I'm sure you are overwhelmed. Your mixed feelings about your husband's trip are completely understandable. Are you being treated for your depression? Given your circumstances, and your other disorder, frustration and sadness do not seem like abnormal reactions. However, these constant negative thoughts and ruminations can be managed to a certain degree. It is great that you will be starting marriage counseling; I'm sure this will be extremely helpful. Though it may seem like your husband wants the "old" you back, which may be somewhat true, that does not mean he does not love who you are now. I'm sure he is understanding and compassionate, and realizes that you cannot choose the hand you're dealt. Going to counseling is not a sign of weakness, but of a willingness to better your marriage at all costs. Opening up to each other in this type of setting will bring many issues to the surface, and you may begin to realize that your husband has not stopped loving you.

I wish both of you the best of luck. Be sure to keep us posted.

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Hi darcness and Proetic Prose, and peachesmary6,

Thank you for responding....

To answer two questions, yes I am being treated, I have a doctor, a therapist, and meds. (the therapist suggested being happy for my husband.......I am sorry to say that I can't. While I still want him to go, I can't feel happy, i know that sounds selfish, but that is how important this is to me) I live as an invalid with Fibromyalgia and deep depression. I don't do anything.

My husband and I did sit down and talk about this, several times. He has offered not to go, I won't let him. He must go, i have to find a way to deal with it. (It's tearing me apart, and making my depression worse) I realize this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.( which I cannot have), he has been waiting to be able to do it with me, but that will not happen. I cannot stop him from going.

Thank you for your advice....my life is full of nothing, no interests, which makes this stand out all the more, probably, though nothing can compare with Italy.

Edited by VJoy
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