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How Can I Deal With Loneliness?


Kyle

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First I want to say that I feel like I'm weak or something just for complaining about this when I know there are people out there with much more serious problems and forms of depression. But this is also only a part of the reason I've become depressed.

Ever since Spring of this year I've slowly grown more and more depressed. Part of the reason is because I have a severely depressed alcoholic mother, and have had to put my life on hold to take care of my youngest brother who happens to be severely disabled. He got meningitis at 3 weeks old and it gave him Cerebral Palsy. Basically he's 19 but has the abilities of a 1 year old minus having sight. He's a vegetable. So since August I've had to take care of him while my mom goes to a training program so she can try to get a job and get her life back on track.

The other part (of many) thats been a source of my depression is that I am extremely lonely, and have been for the past year. I'm 24 and ever since High School when I started caring about relationships, I've always had trouble. I was never a popular kid in school and the majority of girls didn't want anything to do with me, this on top of a lot of other things led me to hating every moment of high school. I somehow managed 1 girlfriend that only lasted 3 months and it wasn't even that good of a relationship.

After high school I moved out of my dads house into my moms in a different city where I didn't know a single person. It was here that I went to community college, and like everyone at community college, I didn't make friends. So for two years I had no friends and nothing even close to a girlfriend. Then in 2007 I got accepted into my #1 pick for college and even though it was bit expensive my family managed to make it work. A few months into school I managed to get a girlfriend where I worked at, and we became really close. We fell in love with each other, and even talked lightly about marriage down the road after school. However it only lasted 2 years ending when she had to move away to go to school. Then shortly after moving she wanted to call it off and then a few weeks after that she was with someone else (which from the way she still talks to me, she doesn't care about him the same as me). All of this crushed my heart. I felt like my best friend and teammate betrayed me.

The next year after, 2009, I tried to concentrate on school and keep my mind busy. Then during my Senior year I tried to put myself out there more, surround myself with people even if it was uncomfortable at first in an attempt to meet a girl or make some sort of friend (3 years into college and I never really had any friends. My girlfriend til then had been my girlfriend and best friend all in one). Ever since my senior year started I've had a 100% rejection/failure rate with girls and as time goes on I get more and more lonely. It's become a part of the reason I'm so sad and depressed lately, but its the one reason I focus on the most. Every waking moment is filled with how lonely I feel. I guess its because I feel its the one I can change.

The first girl told me the day after I met her that she really liked me and thought I was cute and all that, but then as I tried to build some sort of relationship with her she became more and more flakey. Eventually she stood me up one night. The next girl again told me she liked me but when I tried returning the feelings she ended up ignoring me. Another thought I was being needy and desperate because I sent her two next messages in 1 week. Then another girl I met I clicked with really well, then she came out and said she had a crush on me. Too bad she lived on the other side of the country. The next one lasted about a week, and the very last thing she ever said to me was "I really like you I want this to continue". After that she stopped talking to me without reason. After that I pretty much gave up and just wanted to graduate and get a job. Well the job part didn't work out so I had to move back home with my dad. It was here, back in October that I met an amazing girl. Never before had I had a conversation with someone I just met go so well, everything about talking to her just flowed so well. A week later I took her out on a date which led to her inviting me to a party later that night. We hung out a few more times after that and it got to the point where she was always asking me to come visit her at work and keep her company. We were talking almost every day and doing something every few days. Eventually one night after after eating at a restaurant she came back to my house and went straight for my bed. It wasn't anything sexual, which was fine with me, but she then asked me to lay in the bed with her. After playing with her hair and holding her had a bit I tried to kiss her, but was oddly rejected. It didn't have a negative vibe though. Later that night as I was taking her home she said "I hope you don't think I'm a b***h, its just a lot of guys have tried to take advantage of me when I drink". Then a few days later she told me she really likes me but she can't be my girlfriend because she's still in love with her ex. Which she broke up with him two years ago, he doesn't like her, and he lives out of state. She said she hates that she feels that way but she doesn't want to hurt me in the future.

No matter how hard I try or how close I get to obtaining something that will make me happy I'm shut down. Its gotten to the point where I've become an angry person. I've developed trust issues with women since all they do is let me down. Its become all I can expect from girls, nothing but disappointment.

I'm horrible at being single. I hate that this happens but I find myself becoming bitter, almost as if I want everyone in a relationship to feel as lonely as I do even if its just for one day. And I've become extremely sad any time I'm by myself, even seeing other people in relationships, talking about them, or fake ones I see on TV or movies. They all give me a pain in my gut and my heart hurts for a moment. Since my girlfriend broke up with me two years ago I've just felt more and more defeated. No matter how hard I try to change things I'm thrown back in the hole again. I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I'm sorry this got so long and that I probably sound like I'm just being a baby. But this has really hurt me and on top of everything else I'm dealing with I just can't take it. There are days where all I want to do is cry. The only upside is that I've managed to see a therapist and after a few sessions she recommended that I try Partial Hospitalization at an outpatient clinic.

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(((Kyle)))

I don't think you're weak or that you're a baby at all. You've got a lot going on right now and that's certainly going to affect your mental health. Without having any one around as a support group your basically taking care of your mother, your brother, and yourself all at once. It's no wonder you're feeling worn out and depressed about all of it. I think many people in your situation would feel the same.

I really wish I could give you some kind of great advice to help you meet people, but I'm not so great at it myself. I've been blessed to have good family and friends in my life. I will say that I've made many good connections on the internet on various forums. That always seems to be the easiest place for me to meet people with like minded hobbies, etc. When it comes to relationships, they always seem to happen when we least expect them. Just remember that you never know what tomorrow may hold. You could meet some one who ends up being a great friend or more. You truly never know when that could happen.

For the time being is there any kind of hobbies or activities that YOU enjoy doing. Right now you're focusing so much on your family and on finding companionship, that you might be neglecting yourself. Really when it comes down to it, we have to be our own best friend. We have to make sure that we give ourselves the time we need to grow stronger, learn to manage our lives, and be strong enough to continue on regardless of who is or isn't in our lives. I know that sounds difficult but it really can be done. It just takes some really hard work, and perhaps some help from a mental health professional.

By the way, going to the therapist is a great start. This will help you find a treatment plan and learn to manage your mental health. I would definitely look into her suggestions of doing an outpatient program if you can. I think it could be a great start to your wellness.

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(((Kyle)))

I don't think you're weak or that you're a baby at all. You've got a lot going on right now and that's certainly going to affect your mental health. Without having any one around as a support group your basically taking care of your mother, your brother, and yourself all at once. It's no wonder you're feeling worn out and depressed about all of it. I think many people in your situation would feel the same.

I really wish I could give you some kind of great advice to help you meet people, but I'm not so great at it myself. I've been blessed to have good family and friends in my life. I will say that I've made many good connections on the internet on various forums. That always seems to be the easiest place for me to meet people with like minded hobbies, etc. When it comes to relationships, they always seem to happen when we least expect them. Just remember that you never know what tomorrow may hold. You could meet some one who ends up being a great friend or more. You truly never know when that could happen.

For the time being is there any kind of hobbies or activities that YOU enjoy doing. Right now you're focusing so much on your family and on finding companionship, that you might be neglecting yourself. Really when it comes down to it, we have to be our own best friend. We have to make sure that we give ourselves the time we need to grow stronger, learn to manage our lives, and be strong enough to continue on regardless of who is or isn't in our lives. I know that sounds difficult but it really can be done. It just takes some really hard work, and perhaps some help from a mental health professional.

By the way, going to the therapist is a great start. This will help you find a treatment plan and learn to manage your mental health. I would definitely look into her suggestions of doing an outpatient program if you can. I think it could be a great start to your wellness.

I guess I at least have a couple of close friends, its just more and more I find myself wanting someone thats more than a friend. You could say romantic relationships aren't a necessity in the way that water, clothes, and shelter are. However I do feel they're a necessity for ones own mental health. All I can think is that getting a relationship is the 1 thing that could really change my mood around. When things were going well with that girl a month ago, every time I talked with her I could feel my mood just increase more and more. And then as I've come to expect it all ended and I was let down. Really what was almost insulting about it is that she said I was attractive, kind, unique, and that everyone knows it and that any girl would be lucky to be with me. Well I can't help but think WHY NOT YOU THEN!? If I'm as awesome as you say I am why won't you let us go further, why aren't other girls giving me more attention. Its gotten to the point where I can't help but think something must be wrong with me.

Its also stupid to think this but I keep feeling like I'm going to be alone til my late 20's. Then I'm going to get desperate, panic and marry the next girl that crosses my path whether its the right thing to do or not. All because I'm afraid of getting old and living most of my life without a companion.

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(((Kyle)))

Well let me tell you that waiting until your late 20's to get married isn't the worst thing there is. In fact, it's probably a better time to get married to be honest. I was in a relationship for 11 years with my ex. After all that time we ended up splitting up and I had to start all over at 31 years old. That lead to me finding my beautiful wife though, and I'm happier than I ever have been in my life. Sometimes we just have to make it through these tough times, learn some tough lessons, and in the end, things work out for the best.

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