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When You Know That Your Life Is Going To Suck Forever


biggestfan

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Without making it sound tedious, here is a short description of my life -

Both parents have neurotic symptoms. Father is bipolar and a control freak. Mother is very prone to depression. Sister has mild mental retardation and borderline personality disorder.

Grew up in a very tense environment. There was very high academic pressure on me and on my sister. I could cope with it but my sister due to her mental retardation couldn't. My mother, very stressed by my sister's inability to cope up academically, used to hit her often. It used to feel like nails on chalkboard to me. I became very stressed inside. At the times I got angry with my sister, I used to hit her too. I regret it now, but what's the point? The damage was permanant.

During my teenage, I developed a very severe case of acne. The medicine I took for it (Isotretinoin) - has a very disastrous side effect - it causes premature fusion of the long bone epiphyses and early termination of growth in height. My height was arrested at 5'7, when at a time, my height was scaled on a percentile to reach 6'2.. But the growth arrest affected only my long bones and not my head. My head grew up to the size it is in a tall and well built person. The result - I look ugly with a very scarred face, unattractive due to my short height and disproportionately large head.

I was bullied often at school. My social skills were very ********, on top of that, my acne was a frequent target for ridicule. I used to get very jealous of the socially forward students/smooth talkers, who had no trouble getting into relationships (To make matters worse, these were the people who used to be very good looking too)

I tried to compensate by doing well academically. But as fate would have it, I peaked at the wrong time by excelling greatly in relatively meaningless exams while failing at the critically important ones.

College is really stressful. All the good looking girls get taken after a year or two. Plus the workload of studies. Having a poor self-esteem really screws up your chances with girls, especially in my case when I am already in the negative because of my bad looks. I have almost reached the end of my college years, and still have never been in a relationship. I see myself getting old, I see the good looking guys pick up the good looking girls smoothly and I see my life withering away.

In March 2009, I declared my love for a girl who didn't love me back (she was quite good looking). Her refusal was kind enough, but still I felt she said no because I'm not the best of guys, looks and personality wise. People say break-ups hurt more than rejection. All I want to say to that is - You have a chance to prevent a break up. Rejections don't give you that privilege. Once you drop the L bomb, there is no picking it back. My friends said I acted 'spontaneously' (a polite term for 'rashly'), and should have given due thought before taking such a wild step. Because, according to them, if I had given due thought to this, I would have 'realised' that an ugly guy like me doesn't have a 'chance' with a good looking girl like her.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2009. Started medication with Cipralex 10mg in March 2010. Doubled the dose to 20mg in July 2011. Improved my social anxiety somewhat. But it doesn't help much in the relationship department if you have bad looks. And the improvement in social anxiety I got from the medication came at a cost. After I doubled my dose, my weight shot up dramatically. I put on 15 kg in 3 months. Add 'fat man' to the long list of negatives about me.

So there you have it.

Family - Pathetic.

Academics - Not good at times when it matters (And it being good in the times when it doesn't matter only adds insult to injury, because of the simple reason that other people (and yourself, subconsciously) know that you 'have' the potential to do good but presume that your faliures at critical junctures are due to your 'lack of hard work' at the right time.

Social life - Recently when a friend of mine asked a girl (incidently the same girl who rejected me), what were my chances of being in a relationship with another good looking girl, the girl responded by saying 'He should stop having such big dreams and see his (scarred) face in the mirror first.'

A month back, I came across an advertisement for a face wash soap - It said 'Use this if you don't want your grandmother to be the only girl to ever kiss you.' Pretty amazing to see the lengths that the ad companies go to promote their product - they are even ready to ridicule a genuine medical condition.

All in all, I know I'm not going to gain anything by posting it. Getting positive replies from people on this forum might stroke my fragile ego for a while, but it still won't help in the long run.

I wish I was kinder to my sister (her social life is a lot worse than mine). I wish I hadn't sent my life on a downward spiral by saying 'I love you' to that girl. I wish I could change some of the wrong things I had done in past. Because, when you already have a lot of negatives which you CAN'T change, it makes it even more tough and depressing to see your inability to improve the negatives which you CAN change.

I have considered suicide. I know painless methods to **** myself. It is VERY easy to procure the stuff I need to go ahead with it. And a lot of times, I think its not a question of 'if' but a question of 'when'

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You've come to the right place. There are a lot of people in similar situations to yours here. First of all, don't give up. Never, ever. You probably need more help than you have been getting. Try to find a counselor who can help you coach through your life. It's great that you have medication, and it sounds like you are tolerating it well. If the drug you are taking is working for social phobia, maybe you need to supplement with something for other symptoms of depression you are having. Work it out everyone is pulling for you.

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I had a near fatal car accident in 1993 and shortly after I saw 2 t-shirts, one said, where there is life, there is hope. The other one said any day above ground is a good day. I had another brush with death in 2008 with a serious case of Legionnaire's disease that has left me with severe PTSD and depression and neurological problems like memory loss that left me on disability unable to "qualify for gainful employment (I'm 46). I try to cling to those T-shirt mottos and hope that someday, things will get better. Hang in there and know you are definitely not alone in your feelings.

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Hi there. I chose the name "cyrano DB" here for a reason-- the character in the play (Cyrano de Bergerac) looked ridiculously ugly with a huge nose. He loved the fair Roxana but "knew" she would never love him because of his looks. Anyway, there are several movie versions out as well as a modern update, "Roxanne" with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. If you've never seen it, I recommend it-- it often is healing to see yourself in a story.

From your description, you're probably going to have a difficult time dating the prettiest women in the immediate future, and I know that's what we all want at your age, but the biggest mistake I made at your age was falling in "love" with the most beautiful girl I ever saw. She gently tried to steer me to dating her friends, some of whom were quite willing to date me, but no, I had to have Donna. Well, you can guess how well that went. I ached inside, felt like a total outsider because of my looks, it took me years to get over it.

And I don't know if you ever really get over it. I still have a wariness about dealing with people, although I've learned first to be funny then to be interested in others' lives-- people think you're a brilliant conversationalist when you ask them about themselves. My antennae are always up, sensitive to rejection-- but at least I know it, and I know it's self-defeating to stay in my cocoon (or prison), however comfortable it is.

I did what I could for my appearance. I didn't have acne, but I had crooked teeth, so as soon as I could afford to get caps, I did it. When hair styles were longer, I wore mine longer to cover the tops of my huge ears, and worked with a really good haircutter who knew how to make the best of what I had. I grew a goatee about 20 years ago to make my face look longer. I taught myself to smile more even though it's still unnatural. I worked at overcoming my natural desire to slump, a desire to make myself invisible. It's a fight every day but it's worth it. Just standing up straight improves my mood. Maybe you'll need to save for plastic surgery for your acne some time in the future and maybe it'll never look "normal," but normal is boring. Ever see the actor Edward James Olmos? When he was on "Miami Vice" in the 80s, he was the insanely cool boss of the two stars, and he had lots of acne scars.

Big head? I think Einstein had a big head. Had to, to hold that brain, I guess.

Donna? Twenty years after high school, we had a passionate affair-- broke up each others' marriages, then I broke up with her. For years she thought it was payback, but it wasn't-- she wasn't right for me. Some years after that, we became friends. I talked to her today and I am happy she's happy. She supports me, she knows me. I would do almost anything for her, except marry her, of course.

Change is the only constant. Your life will not be the same way it is now. Hopefully it will be better. it will take work. You need to work at repairing the damage inside your heart and mind, like all of us do, like I still have to do every day. But the work is worth it. I have faith in you.

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I just got tossed on my *** by a guy I'm more physically attractive than. I'm 21.

I promise you, looks are not the most important thing. 5'7" isn't terribly short- I know a handful of guys who are about my height (5'2") or a tiny bit taller. Plus, its uncomfortable to try to kiss anyone over like 5'10" at my height. :happy:

When I met the guy I've been dating for the last three years I didn't find him at all attractive, he was 6'0" and weighed about 140lbs. He hadn't had a proper haircut in ages and he wore clothes that were very poorly fit for his body. He has a scar on his upper lip that was fairly obvious, and overall he just seemed strangely gangly. Since then, the only thing thats changed (physically) is that he's put on about 30lbs, but he's not stronger or anything, he just got a car and stopped walking everywhere, so he's gotten less starved looking and a little belly fat. But somewhere around 4-6 months in, the way I saw him changed. I swear, he got so much more handsome one night. His poorly managed hair became charming, and all I saw when I looked at his face was the gorgeous rosiness of his cheeks and the adorable freckles. I don't see at all the same thing I used to. When I met him, I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, and now I have a hard time finding anyone else who I find nearly as cute. And as I said, most guys find me to be at least moderately attractive.

Don't write yourself off, you're probably your harshest critic. I think you should probably look at getting more out of therapy/meds. If your anxiety is better, thats good, but your depression is clearly still at an unmanageable level. Try to remind yourself that you aren't supposed to have to feel like this. Live for the thought that things can be better. Not the idea that the most beautiful girl you've ever seen will fall for you, but for the idea that the girl you love might love you back. Or, live for the idea that you might find the right combination of meds and therapy, and when that happens, you might wake up one day and not feel like you have to **** yourself. At least give yourself a little time to try out some different things. You really never know where your life might go. So far mines gone down a whole series of consecutive turns toward misery, but it can only go so low, right? Eventually there will be no where to go but up!

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An update -

I have stopped my meds. I took the last 20mg tablet on the morning of 1st dec. So far, I can feel the depression coming back in rebound, but atleast I know what to expect. My weight has obviously gotten out of control. I have faced enough ridicule in my social life, and I don't want 'fat-man' to push it down further. My psych says I should probably take it slow, come down first to 10mg, then stop, but hey come on, this isn't steriods. Plus, I am not experiencing the worst of withdrawal effects, as my psych had warned me. (There is this thing called 'brain zap' where you get a seizure that lasts like half a second if you stop your SSRI meds suddenly). I do get lows (which are mainly responsible for my depressing posts), but isn't this the real me? Haven't I used my crutches enough? And if things do get incredibly tough, I do have a back up plan where I start Zoloft. It doesnt cause weight gain. But if I give a personal opinion, I'm frankly tired of meds. Not that I'm saying they don't work. Trust me, they are incredible and have the potential to turn you into a completely different person, for the better. But I'm just over it. Even now when I look back, I'm still standing at the same place I was four years ago, things haven't changed that much except I have lesser hair and more wrinkles on my face. Girls still think of me as a lecherous freak who is a sore loser (isn't it kind of ironic that the girls who tend to be more pretty, are more likely to think of me as like that - I'm not throwing out fake self invented facts, I have heard it by my own hears, just 2 days ago - A girl said, that most my female colleagues used to consider me to be a disgusting socially, emotionally immature and ********, more so in case of the prettier ones. Obviously they have their dreams of Prince Charming with brilliant white teeth coming one day and sweeping them off their feet, while 'fat-ugly-man' here providing the loser comic relief in this 'big bad world' we call a 'fairy tale', will ultimately settle for the miss ogre with incredibly huge arms and chest hair. Oh yes, its a perfect life. I know its bad and hypocritic to insult 'miss ogre', but honestly I have had enough

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How old are you?

Not sure if you're aware or not, but you likely have some variation (or exactly) this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

You're (probably) focusing on women and relationships a little too much. I get it, you want to have a good looking girlfriend, and you probably want her to have a good personality too. But you come off a little shallow/immature when you mention this in your posts. No offence. That's why I ask your age, I'm guessing somewhere in the 16 - 19 years old range. It helps to know the persons age when giving advice, just sayin'.

Seriously though, focus on one thing at a time and don't get so down on yourself for not having a beautiful take-home girl. Looks aren't everything either, and as you mature you'll learn to appreciate that more.

Also, it's good to hear you regret hitting your sister. I hope you never do that again and haven't for as long as you've been aware that it's sick and wrong, especially someone who is not only physically weaker (Determined by sex) but also mentally disabled. I get that you've had things rough, but morality is a pretty easy thing to grasp. No doubt, what you've done is eating at you inside and adding to your ailments. I'd say forgive yourself, but I personally doubt I could forgive myself if I ever did something like that. Frankly, I find it despicable. But if you're sister can forgive you, then acknowledge that and move forward with your life.

You mention your sister is in a bad way socially and with life in general as well. This is something that could form a strong bond between you; use it.

Anyways dude, don't be too hard on yourself. That probably sounds a bit hypocritical coming from me, but I mean it. By the sound of it you have BDD - and that is about as bad as it gets when it comes to mental illness if you ask me. But there will always be a good day on the horizon, and don't you forget it.

Personally, my plan is too live as long as I can, some how get my own apartment and enough money to live in it without ever having to leave. Get food delivered to my door through an airlock so I don't have to make contact with people, and to cover every wall, ceiling, mirror, door, and window with flat screen displays connected to a high-spec PC with a comfy chair in front of it. Then I can spend the rest of my life listening to music, watching movies, playing video games, and browsing the internet. My dream might seem lame to you, but it keeps me going.

Just set a goal for life.

Also, one thing I should mention. Don't set a girl you "fall in love with" as a goal. I did this once and it had dangerous repercussions. I spent ten weeks exercising, eating well, getting up at 5:30AM every morning, studying, practising to smile, and reading up on social skills. The absolute dismissal (rejection) did... something to me that I haven't been able to fix. Set goals in life, because they'll give you drive. But don't focus on women so much. Focus on your academia, your health, other things instead. And (I gather that..) the rest will follow.

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Hi biggestfan. It seems like you're envious of guys who get the attractive females. I feel that way at times also. However, I realize that I'm shallow for thinking this way. What about girls who aren't attractive? Don't they deserve to be loved?

I can't believe that the girl who rejected you would say something like that to your friend. That's pretty messed up man. Some people are really immature. Her immaturity will catch up with her some day and bite her in the *** - that's just how karma works.

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Poloman - I know what I did was digusting. What I'm going through now is probably penance for what I did earlier. But I don't see my life improving in the coming years. There is nothing to give me hope. I have never heard any 'success' stories of fat ugly dorks turning into smooth talking casanovas over the years (and hence, it seems to be a genre in itself in movies and fiction - to give hope - no matter how false it is - to countless of disturbed souls out there like me). And isn't it ironic that the guys like me, who are at the bottom of the relationship 'food chain' get called 'hypocritical' for not 'settling' for someone at or below their level, whereas the guys who are at the top who have a wide variety to select from are very much within their 'rights' to decline someone obnoxiously with a smug face, and then everyone says its the 'lower' person's fault, should have given a thought before having dreams of matching up with someone 'way above them'

Yes, at the end of it all, its me who is always hypocritical. I'm not saying the 'higher guy' is not hypocritical too. But come on, he has so much that an insignificant derogatory tag attached to him isn't going to hurt him at all. After all, nothing will matter once you look into his 'dreamy blue eyes' and everything becomes 'magical'. Oh come on, prince charming can never be hypocritical, after all he is prince charming.

And to the Body dismorphic disorder issue, I have had a talk with my shrink about the possibility of me having it. And I saw the ICD-10 definition about BDD diagnosis criteria - I fail to match any of them criteria - The criteria require the person to be 'excessively' concerened about some 'non-existent or insignificant' disability he/she has. Well for one, if you call a height lag of 7 inches insignificant (after having sessions measuring bone length indices with a radiologist and an endocrinologist - with both doctors approving that my condition warrants 'drastic' treatment measures), I frankly don't understand what is significant in your opinion. Or to just cut to the chase, I should show you a close up photo of mine - have a good long look at the scars and then come up with an opinion.

Despite that, I have never shown concern or excessive worry about my physical shortcomings in front of my friends or other thrid party people. Its only inside me (and hear at DF) that I choose to remove this 'mask' of normalcy I have and show you people how badly my soul is scarred too.

Edited by biggestfan
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