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downandout8

I Once Had A Bright Future. Now It's All Caught Up To Me And Likely To End In The Next Year Or Two

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My first thread here. I'll try to keep it as short as I can.

I'm a guy. I came from a broken home. Grew up as the smart "fat kid". Started college halfway through high school at age 16. Also started dropping weight. Went from 300+lbs to eventually a 190lb, well-toned, athletic body. Also at 16 I started an online business that made quite a bit of money and grew rapidly. Bought first house at 20. Bought another house on acreage at 21. Still own both. Started another business in another industry while also running the first. Both are operated by myself and one or two others depending on the volume. They're still in business and continue to operate(albeit are slowing due to my health).

I was probably suffering from depression and anxiety since puberty but never sought treatment(I didn't know what it was back then). I was one of those guys that could fit in with many different groups in school but didn't have "a" group. I didn't have any close friends. No relationships. Anxiety to go anywhere or do anything kept me holed up alone most of the time.

After high school and college I was a 21 year old, good looking guy, in great shape(diet/training/lifting), had two houses, a good amount of money and an incredible amount of drive. I don't drink(never have). I've never done drugs. I've never partied. I wanted to do so much in terms of bettering myself and society. But, still no real friends, only many "surface" friends. And no real girlfriends.

Then it all came to a halt. At 22 I just sort of lost it. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and later treatment resistant depression. Things got really bad. I put on 160 lbs over the next two years. Over the last three years I've taken: prozac, celexa, lexapro, paxil, zoloft, effexor, and welbutrin for the depression. Nothing has helped much beyond the initial boost a couple have given, only to later wear off. I've had blood tests. I've seen many, many different psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. It gets really expensive, really fast and not something I can afford. If I couldn't operate my businesses from home on my own I wouldn't be able to work. I have three friends; my mom and two younger siblings, who are very supportive.

Anyways, I don't see this ending. I have no drive. I'm in near constant pain. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to get out of bed. I can relate to everyone in the shower thread. I'm 25 now and my life has gone from great to awful in three years, triggered by no specific event, and is getting worse by the month. The only reason I'm still around is because I know it would devastate my mom if I were to go. I provide a lot financially for this family and once my younger sibling can get his degree (1-2 yrs away) he should be able to get a well paying job and provide any needed financial support. As long as this is going I'm doing all I can to generate and leave as much money as I can for them.

I have been waiting on him and my mom's health. This has been my plan for the last year and a half or so. It's the only thing that keeps me going even though it's getting more and more difficult. I'm sure some here have been in similar situations. Any advice, comments, suggestions, criticisms, thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires are welcome.

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Hi downandout8

Being treatment resistant, have any of your docs offered you ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), VNS (Vagus nerve stimulation), TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation) or the likes? As these are all used for treatment resistant depression and some people have truly been helped by them. Never give up because there are always new things coming out all the time, modern medicine and technology is amazing. There is always progress.

Trace

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There are a whole lot of drugs in classes other than the ones you've tried which might be helpful: atypicals like Remeron, MAOIs like Parnate, anti-psychotics like Lithium or Lamictal, lots of tricyclics. Might be worth giving them a go, alone or in combination with others, to see if they help.

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Dear downandout8,

First of all I must commend on all your sucesses, it is amazing what you have accomplished. Second I commend you on your courage to keep going. Depression is a very fickle illnesss and it usually takes a combination of things to make it better. I understand you frustration over trying a lot of things and having them not work (the same thing happened to me and i believe my body has gotten used to my prozac so I am afraid it is about to happen again). Besides medication there is always therapy which can be quite helpful. Anyways I have a theory. If you can find someone who will promise to always be there for you, encourages you and doesn't criticize you, you will have a human lifeline that is much stronger then any medication. And maybe you can find that person here. I have only been on this site a few days but I have connected with more people here then i have in my actual life. The great thing is that you can say anything here and not only do people understand but some even know exactly what you mean. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are no longer alone even if we are just a bunch of strangers. Depression is incredibly hard and frustrating and sometimes a person just needs to rant about how frustrating it is. I know this may not seem like much but I hope this site can become a great comfort to you. Like I said, i have only been here a few days and it has already changed my life. I wish you the best of luck in yours and no matter what is going on right now or how it ends up you are not a failure. Depression is not who you are but just an experience you go through. You are still you no matter how much you may think otherwise. :smile:

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Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been struggling with depression for years. 7 to be exact. i have been on

Xanax .5 mg

Prozac 80 mg

Welbutrin XL 300 mg

Buspar 15 mg

Ritalin 20 mg

Vyvanse 30mg

Cymbalta 60mg

Provigil 200 mg

Valium 20 mg

Trazadone 50 mg

Effexor XR 300 mg

And am now Currently:

Celexa 20 mg

Abilify 2 mg

Topamax 10 mg

which now i am also suffering from chronic migraines and fatigue. I just wanted you to know you are not the only one out there. If you need anyone to talk to i am a good listener. And you have to have hope. Currently what i am taking doesnt seem to be helping much and i am probably going to be switching meds pretty soon. Its hard to have patience but i hope that some day i will get to feeling good. You just gotta have hope.

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Today I spent almost all day sleeping. I've been awake maybe three hours and am going back to bed. This is not forced sleeping; I'm exhausted for some reason. I read the replies this morning and felt a responsibility to post since I started the thread.

One thing I want to clear up...I re-read my original post and my intention was not to sound 'braggy'. It was more to show how driven and hard working I was, and how good things were going before this began and how quickly things changed.

Thanks for the replies. It's amazing that so many of you cared enough to offer a response for someone who's never posted - only lurked. Ironically enough, I used to be one of those people. Now it only puzzles me how you find the energy and will to reply when you're going through something so similar.

Trace - I have researched ECT before and to me it seemed to have many "do-or-die" results. I may try this when the time comes. I hadn't looked much into VNS and TMS before, but will now. The biggest problem, of course, is that I don't have health insurance. Thank you very much for the recommendations.

americandownunder - Thanks for the advice. I've been on Lamictal as a secondary for a year now and really like it. It seems to help. Lithium is something we've discussed and that may be the next in line.

liftmeupletmego - Thank you.

Molli_Jean - Thank you. I also have been on, and still take somewhat regularly, Klonopin, Ativan and Xanax(up to 2mg, 3x a day/each - my body is very chemical resistant apparently). I hope you find something that works. I hate this trial and error approach, but there isn't anything else.

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Downandout8, thank goodness I found u! I was reading ur post and was inspired. I wanted to post.

I managed to get signed on, registered and found u! Thank god for search engines, chuckle.

I just wanted to say that my heart grew too big when u said ur best friends were ur mom and ur two younger siblings :).

That's awesome!

But at the same time, ur first sentence (after being a guy) was u come from a broken home.

Ouch!

The missing daddy....

All the love u cld have had, but didn't.

And then u took over the role.

Awesome again...but what a burden for u!

Surely the others are depending on u too much! Isn't there anything the others cld do to ease ur burden?

I know u said u r waiting for ur sibling to grow up...but what if that never happens.

People die unexpectedly every day :(. Sorry to be so gloomy, but its absolutely horrifying to read the daily news.

U gotta find a balance so that u will be safe. Looks like u r gonna need to buy health insurance :(. Even though I know that eats up profits!!!

I am rooting for u!

I don't want u to be hurting so much.

I am a single mom of 3 grown (amazing) kids and have an empty nest for me, my dog and my cat to rattle around in.

I am selling my house so my ex can get his share.

And then...

I just worry abt becoming a buden on my kids.

I guess I don't have any advice except hang in there, no matter what!

Altairstar

Break free!

Climb a mountain...

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Hang in there buddy. Yeah it sometimes seems strange to come here & post - I lurked for awhile thinking, why should I join these people whining about all their problems, it's just going to bring me down... But so not true. We're all in this together and since I started posting, I feel like I belong to a supportive community. I'll be driving to work thinking about a poster's comments, worrying about another, hoping they pull through a tough phase, thinking about a new drug someone is reporting trying and looking forward to reading how it is working out for them. I guess it's like what they say about volunteering, when you focus a bit on helping others, it makes you feel better about your own life.

More kudos for your great early success & being the man of your family - it seems to me you must have a core of great strength to have accomplished what you have. That can't have disappeared, its just buried under your troubles now. Maybe it will just take some time to take care of yourself, rest, find a combo of meds that works, and that inner strength will come to the fore again & push you on to a new great goal.

You'll be another one I'll be thinking of & pulling for today dude

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Hi buddy,

First of all kudos to your talent and courage. It takes a lot of courage to start a business at such young age when most of people doubt person's ability.

I can't advice on medication and combos but I am sure that somewhere down there you have courage your problems. May be CBT can help. Try excercising and meditation. Winning depression is a long tough war which needs persistance.

One advice I am very sure of is PLEASE PLEASE don't think of suicide!!!! You may feel that it may end all your problems, but pls think of problems it will give to your family. Financial stability won't matter much if you aren't around. Money won't bring you back. Think of your mom. She carried you for 9 months, raised you. Her life must have revolved around you. if you leave, there will be such a big hole in her and will eventually eat her up. She may start having same problems like you. So please don't think of leaving.

PLEASE KEEP A PICTURE OF YOUR FAMILY IN YOUR WALLET ALL THE TIME. WHENEVER YOU THINK OF SUICIDE PLS LOOK AT THE PIC AND ASK YOURSELF WILL THEY BE ABLE TO SMILE OR WILL THERE EYES SPARKEL IF YOU LEAVE???

Suicide is not end of problems, it is end of new chances. It is accepting defeat.

Pls stick around in this forum. it helps a lot. whenever i am angry or disappointed, I log in and have received support.

Best of luck!!!!

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Hi downandout8

Being treatment resistant, have any of your docs offered you ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), VNS (Vagus nerve stimulation), TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation) or the likes? As these are all used for treatment resistant depression and some people have truly been helped by them. Never give up because there are always new things coming out all the time, modern medicine and technology is amazing. There is always progress.

Trace

I agree. You should consider other options.

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You are obviously a gifted person. I hope you stay around; the world doesn't have enough people like you.

I have treatment-resistant depression also. I know, the trial-and-error business can be exhausting. But keep trying. What has helped me a great deal over the last two years has been seeing a psychiatrist who really pays attention to what I tell her. She is so good that she can tell me things about myself that she has watched over time, that I have missed. Perhaps you haven't found the right doctor?

One thing I would love to share with you, and anyone else thinking of suicide: There is a radio show called Radio Lab; you can search for it online and listen to podcasts. There was one episode called "After Life," in which the hosts were sharing stories -- some real and some fictional -- about death, what (if anything) happens after, etc. Somewhere around 25-27 minutes into the episode, I think, is a brief segment that begins with a man telling a true story about a particular day in his life. He said goodbye to his wife and kids that morning, and talks about how he knew that would be the last time he would see them, although they didn't know it. He planned to commit suicide that day. Instead of going to work, he drove to the Golden Gate bridge. After hanging out for a while, he finally climbed over the railing, lowered himself, and then let go.

Obviously, he was unsuccessful in his attempt. But what he said was almost chilling: He can still picture the exact moment that his hands left the railing, and how, at the same time, he thought, "I have made a terrible mistake." He thought all the way down about all the things he was going to miss by not being alive any longer. The story then mentions that, of the 38 people who have jumped off that bridge and survived (and are still around, I guess), every single one of them experienced the same thing.

It's just something to think about.

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