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AquaViolet

Being Bullied In The Past Still Haunts Me

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I posted this in my blog, but I thought I would post it here too. Maybe others can relate.

I was mercilessly picked on and bullied when I was in school. The pain of it is still with me all these years later. I was picked on about a lot of things...

My clothes.

My name. I have a very unusual first name (which I don't like) that the other kids loved to make fun of.

I wasn't good at sports, so gym was a nightmare. I was always picked last whenever other kids picked who they wanted on their team.

I was taunted, punched, spit on, etc.

What was so wrong with me that I deserved that treatment?

It didn't help matters that I am a quiet shy person.

I had very few friends, and the pain of those years is still with me. I just can't forgive those kids who were so mean to me, and tormented me.

Since then, I've been very reluctant to open up to anyone and try and make friends. I am a loner, I guess. Sometimes that is lonely.

Edited by AquaViolet

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Dear AquaViolet,

I am sincerely sadden and at the same time thankfully choosing to share with us all in here. I really hoping that you're alright at there. Do you have ever discuss on this matter with your family or teachers?

You're not have to be deserve such a treatment like that. Shall received a fair and equality of everyone regardless of any forms.

Please do not silence by yourself in longer period if still continued bullying. Please seek a help from school authorities or relatives...

Please stay connected with us kay!!!

Please take care and be strong will ya

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Morning,

I am 47 years old and way back in the 70's while in school I went through the same thing. I suffered from abuse at home also so constant fear of being bullied was always close by. In fact sadly it was so constant it felt normal. I know how you do feel. What happened 35 years ago still affects me today. I guess I cant deny my childhood. Find inner strength, that is what saved me. I knew through all the bullying that there was something inside me that was good and that know one could destroy. That has never left me, even 40 years later. I know if people who knew me know as a grown man also knew of my past they would never ever belief it. many times life just isn't a fair level playing field. We wont understand or have the answers until perhaps we meet our Maker.

wishing the best for you in peace,

Kevin

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Dear AquaViolet,

I am sincerely sadden and at the same time thankfully choosing to share with us all in here. I really hoping that you're alright at there. Do you have ever discuss on this matter with your family or teachers?

You're not have to be deserve such a treatment like that. Shall received a fair and equality of everyone regardless of any forms.

Please do not silence by yourself in longer period if still continued bullying. Please seek a help from school authorities or relatives...

Please stay connected with us kay!!!

Please take care and be strong will ya

The bullying is all in the past, as I am 38 years old now. But the pain never goes away.

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

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Hey I share you the same matter in a different way but, I just keep telling myself "Hey look, one day, you'll prove them all wrong.. One day, you gonna bull of with something that makes them regret bullying you like that you're gonna be proud of yourself."

It maybe temporary, but it always works try giving yourself a bless of good faith.

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Hi AquaViolet...

my heart is broken from reading this. I can relate because I was bullied throughout my childhood and teens. I grew up in a very abusive environment where I was constantly devalued. Some people enjoy hurting others. I've been through hell. School was very unpleasant and I still seem to be a target for people who need to hurt others in order to feel powerful.

Even now at 28, I still experience bullying sometimes. I know how it feels to have painful memories that never seem to go away no matter what.

I understand what it's like. Sometimes the pain never goes away. Like you, I have no friends. I find it difficult to open up to people because I'm fearful of being hurt. There are VERY few people in my life that I can trust. Being bullied repeatedly for a long period of time will destroy your self-esteem and affect the way you interact with others.

You asked this question: "What was so wrong with me that I deserved that treatment?"

The answer is nothing. There was nothing wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve it. The way you were treated was NOT your fault. You were the victim of cruel, insensitive kids who decided to make your life miserable. They viewed you as weak and made you the target of bullying.

You aren't obligated to forgive them. It is perfectly fine to be angry...but try not to let it consume you. This is something I try to keep in mind on a daily basis. I will always remember the terrible things that people have said and done to me. I will most likely be hurt by the actions of others for a very long time. But you can't rewind the past and change what was done. I wish I could but that's impossible.

I know that most of the people who bullied me have moved on with their lives. The same is probably true of the kids who bullied you. It hurts and you can't erase the memories, but you can decide that living well is the best revenge. Don't continue to let them have power over you. They aren't worth your time or energy. Life is definitely not fair to some of us but there are ways you can heal from this pain. It will never fully disappear but things can be better.

I'm very shy and quiet as well. I can pretend to be bubbly and vivacious, but that isn't really me. I guess the key is understanding that your experiences don't have to define who you are. What the bullies did to you is reflective of their own ugliness and hatred. It's just ironic that in many instances, the victim is the one who carries all the emotional scars while the bullies feel no shame or pain or guilt. It should be the other way around.

I've experienced a lot of prejudice because of my appearance and my ethnic background. I've had people call me ugly more times than I can count. I also had a stepfather who treated me very badly. No matter what was done to you, never lose sight of who you are. There is still some beauty in this world and you are still worthy of the good things in life despite what your bullies did to you.

Take care of yourself because you're worth it. :flowers:

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Wow, it's amazing what scars bullying can leave-and sad. :sad: I know I can still remember as clear as day some of the heartache I went through when I was in school. And, you really wish you could go back in time and make others aware of what was going on. I know a few years back bullying wasn't quite as well addressed as it is now.

And, as evident by this thread, obviously many are dealing with some of same emotions that have been shared here. So, at least it's good to know you're not alone. I think it also might help you feel justified in getting some help in dealing with the repercussions of bullying. For instance, I think meeting with a counselor is never a bad idea.

I also work for an organization called Focus on the Family, and during my time there, I've actually run across some books that address some of what's been shared here. In particular, an author by the name of Frank Peretti wrote a book called No More Bullies that describes the emotional pain and physical abuse that he endured at the hands of his classmates and how he learned to work through these issues as an adult. I thought it was a great book, so I'm not sure if anyone else would find it helpful. But, I'm sure you could find it online.

However, most of all, I think it just helps to find sites like these and talk with others in your shoes. Just getting these things out in the open can make a world of difference! Well, hang in there everyone-you're all in my thoughts and prayers!

Edited by rockland45

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For me it has never gone away.

I was bullied from age 7 until I graduated HS. Both physically and mentally. Student and even from some teachers.

I still struggle today.

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I'm sorry you had to go through this. You're the proof that bullying leaves scars not only in childhood/teenage years but also in adulthood. I have a very unsual first name in the way it is written and my last name literally means Suffering in French but I have never been picked on because of it. I don't know what else to tell you. Hang in there. You cannot change the past but you can certainely create the future, leave those years behind you and try to open yourself to the world today. Have you considered seeing a conselor to discuss all of your childhood wounds and be able to free yourself from them?

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Hi AquaViolet...

my heart is broken from reading this. I can relate because I was bullied throughout my childhood and teens. I grew up in a very abusive environment where I was constantly devalued. Some people enjoy hurting others. I've been through hell. School was very unpleasant and I still seem to be a target for people who need to hurt others in order to feel powerful.

Even now at 28, I still experience bullying sometimes. I know how it feels to have painful memories that never seem to go away no matter what.

I understand what it's like. Sometimes the pain never goes away. Like you, I have no friends. I find it difficult to open up to people because I'm fearful of being hurt. There are VERY few people in my life that I can trust. Being bullied repeatedly for a long period of time will destroy your self-esteem and affect the way you interact with others.

You asked this question: "What was so wrong with me that I deserved that treatment?"

The answer is nothing. There was nothing wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve it. The way you were treated was NOT your fault. You were the victim of cruel, insensitive kids who decided to make your life miserable. They viewed you as weak and made you the target of bullying.

You aren't obligated to forgive them. It is perfectly fine to be angry...but try not to let it consume you. This is something I try to keep in mind on a daily basis. I will always remember the terrible things that people have said and done to me. I will most likely be hurt by the actions of others for a very long time. But you can't rewind the past and change what was done. I wish I could but that's impossible.

I know that most of the people who bullied me have moved on with their lives. The same is probably true of the kids who bullied you. It hurts and you can't erase the memories, but you can decide that living well is the best revenge. Don't continue to let them have power over you. They aren't worth your time or energy. Life is definitely not fair to some of us but there are ways you can heal from this pain. It will never fully disappear but things can be better.

I'm very shy and quiet as well. I can pretend to be bubbly and vivacious, but that isn't really me. I guess the key is understanding that your experiences don't have to define who you are. What the bullies did to you is reflective of their own ugliness and hatred. It's just ironic that in many instances, the victim is the one who carries all the emotional scars while the bullies feel no shame or pain or guilt. It should be the other way around.

I've experienced a lot of prejudice because of my appearance and my ethnic background. I've had people call me ugly more times than I can count. I also had a stepfather who treated me very badly. No matter what was done to you, never lose sight of who you are. There is still some beauty in this world and you are still worthy of the good things in life despite what your bullies did to you.

Take care of yourself because you're worth it. :flowers:

I completely agree with this. Well said.

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I feel similarly... I always wondered (and still do, to be honest) what I ever did to deserve what I got, and then I start to blame myself for it and think I am weak for letting it affect me. Reading the above post helps. :)

It's gotten to the point where I isolate myself for fear of getting hurt. I put in my mask of happiness and don't let others get close and downplay myself, make myself not an appeasing enough target. Which of course helps fuel the depression!

I have a feeling I am going to need to reread the post by FeelinBlue several times :P

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Boy can I relate to that. I ran across a saying a few weeks ago that I think sums up what we need to do. The saying is: "Never let your past experiences harm your future. Your past can't be altered and your future doesn't deserve the punishment". So often we dwell in those past experiences. Do they reflect on who we are? Yes, because they helped to shape who we became. Do they define us? No. We choose who we will be and the decisions we make determine the paths we follow. Forgive the bullies.In that I mean forgive the person, not the action. That doesn't mean it was right, only that you forgive their actions and are going to move beyond them. Be the better person and learn from their mistakes. You can make the difference in another persons life in a positive way. I hope this helps somewhat. Thinking of you. *hug*

Edited by sufferinsilence

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I can relate to your story. I'm 27 years old, and still have scars from bullying. I never dared to say or do anything back to the bullies, which I guess gave them a reason to continue to bully me. Easy target...

I'm attending a class reunion this fall. I'm not looking forward to it at all. But I think it's a thing I need to do. In my mind I have been playing with this idea of facing them and telling them about the pain they have inflicted me with, and the scars that doesn't seem to heal. I would love to go back in time, to be the happy little girl I was before. The girl who loved to be on a stage, performing. Now I have problems just talking to other people. But then, do I want them to feel guilty for something they did as kids?

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I as well was bullied all they way through school, I was an easy target, and recieved no support I went too teachers, who shared no interest in helping me or punishing the other kids, and my parents just responded, ``Its not that bad`` I felt very alone and disconnected, still today I get the feeling of no hope, and immagine how different I could have been if I just was able to be treated fairly.

Today I try not to spend much energy in that location of my life, There is nothing I can change about it, except come to acceptance and understand that in the end it made me a better person, and understand that it was just a part of my learning curve

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Hi,

It's my first post here but I felt I could relate to getting bullied.

I was an easy target because I'm too nice and people tend to walk all over me and I seldom retaliate.

There were occasional eruptions due to the people reaching my limits after really childish taunts that sometimes involve my parents.

Bullies often work in cliques cause its more fun to outnumber / overshadow the victim (in this case it was me).

Sometimes my birthdays are not spared. The bullies in class thought it would be funny to buy a bar of soap as a present.

Through the years, the scars build.

I still remember all their faces and names.

Edited by AquaViolet
triggers

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You might as well have painted a target on my back, since the bullies could easily find me no matter where I went. I can't recall how many times I ended up being the scapegoat when I finally has enough and lashed out. If it weren't for the elderly, I would not have any friends.

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I've been bullied throughout high school as well. It still scars me to this day. However, I do agree with the extra motivation to do something worthwhile with your life. Show those bullies just how wrong they are. Show them just how strong you can be.

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I was made fun of in high school for my voice and my last name. Didn't really bother me then but sometimes it affects me today. But then I think to myself, how many people have heard my voice and actually made fun of it? Just a few. I have actually had girls compliment my voice. I mean, if they wanna pick on me for something so stupid, then their lives must be pretty sad.

Also, I know if I ever saw them in public today. They wouldn't say anything about it. If they did, then they must have a real sad life making fun of something from 7-9 years ago.

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It feels like you're retelling my school experience, it's difficult to forget. For a while I thought I had dealt with it but some recent events triggered that feeling. And now its all coming back.

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Bullies are themselves going through an insecure stage so they look for "easy" targets; the shy, the sensitive and socially constrained to assail and get a temporary feeling of domination. Some bullies never get past the bully stage and grow into abusive adult tyrants who torment their spouses and children- my brother and I are survivors of severe physical abuse. It is a sad human tendency in people and entire nations that weakness invites aggression.

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Wow, the more I read on this forum the more I realize I'm not as alone as I thought. I was beat up throughout my childhood, because I was too shy to defend myself. In high school, I was still bullied or more so ignored, which made me feel worthless. thoughts I still carry to this day. I'd love to try to say something helpful, but in reading the other's posts I think they covered much of it. My mother in law who passed away, gave me advice I never forgot: She said if you still let your past tormentors haunt you, you are still owned by them. After school I got into weighlifting (and yes stupidly abused steroids to try and fill the hole). I told myself, I would NEVER treat anyone like I was treated & I would never let anyone get to me like that again. After hearing what she told me, it was obvious that in my 20's & 30's, the bullies are still in my head. If I can give you advice it would be to read what people here are telling you, I've been comforted and impressed with their words. I've also felt a connection with people that tells me they know what I went through. Never forget yourself - that bullied person you were went through a lot of pain to teach you a life lesson. I think us who are bullied have softer spots in out hearts since we know what the pain feels like. I have a job where I teach people the function, and my proudest gift is understanding people's personalities and working with that. I think if I wasn't bullied, I wouldn't be a s aware of it. If there is a god who won't give us more than we can handle, then we must be the stronger spirits to endure this and still be caring of others feelings. Lastly, you have to forgive what happened.. NOT for the bullies, but for you & your inner peace. this is too much weight to drag with us for the rest of our lives.

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I feel similarly... I always wondered (and still do, to be honest) what I ever did to deserve what I got, and then I start to blame myself for it and think I am weak for letting it affect me. Reading the above post helps. :)

It's gotten to the point where I isolate myself for fear of getting hurt. I put in my mask of happiness and don't let others get close and downplay myself, make myself not an appeasing enough target. Which of course helps fuel the depression!

I have a feeling I am going to need to reread the post by FeelinBlue several times :P

LilyRain, I don't know if you will ever read this...but I'm happy if my post was helpful in some way.

I can relate because I blamed myself for the way others treated me. I tend to internalize the words/actions of other people very often. But then it came to my attention that the way people treated me had very little to do with me. It had more to do with them, if that makes sense.

Some examples...my stepfather treated me badly because most likely he was envious of my relationship with my mother. He also didn't know how to deal with a shy, sensitive teenage girl who was not his biological daughter. And he also grew up in a toxic family. So perhaps he felt threatened by my existence somehow. He had certain notions about authority and discipline, but he was also incapable of showing respect or affection to me as a young girl. So now I try to work on not hating him, but feeling sorry for him.

Another example is my cousins who bullied me. Two of my male cousins bullied me in part because they were angry and hurt that their mother died when they were very young. They never received counseling so I was the target for their bullying. One of my female cousins bullied me because despite the fact that our family treated her better than me, I was thinner and I had a better relationship with my mother than she did with hers.

So it helps to understand bullies sometimes...they are often very miserable people, even if it doesn't show.

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I feel similarly... I always wondered (and still do, to be honest) what I ever did to deserve what I got, and then I start to blame myself for it and think I am weak for letting it affect me. Reading the above post helps. :)

It's gotten to the point where I isolate myself for fear of getting hurt. I put in my mask of happiness and don't let others get close and downplay myself, make myself not an appeasing enough target. Which of course helps fuel the depression!

I have a feeling I am going to need to reread the post by FeelinBlue several times :P

LilyRain, I don't know if you will ever read this...but I'm happy if my post was helpful in some way.

I can relate because I blamed myself for the way others treated me. I tend to internalize the words/actions of other people very often. But then it came to my attention that the way people treated me had very little to do with me. It had more to do with them, if that makes sense.

Some examples...my stepfather treated me badly because most likely he was envious of my relationship with my mother. He also didn't know how to deal with a shy, sensitive teenage girl who was not his biological daughter. And he also grew up in a toxic family. So perhaps he felt threatened by my existence somehow. He had certain notions about authority and discipline, but he was also incapable of showing respect or affection to me as a young girl. So now I try to work on not hating him, but feeling sorry for him.

Another example is my cousins who bullied me. Two of my male cousins bullied me in part because they were angry and hurt that their mother died when they were very young. They never received counseling so I was the target for their bullying. One of my female cousins bullied me because despite the fact that our family treated her better than me, I was thinner and I had a better relationship with my mother than she did with hers.

So it helps to understand bullies sometimes...they are often very miserable people, even if it doesn't show.

Hi, i noticed that u post often in the Bullying thread and u seem to have horrible life of abuse like me. I dont believe that bullying can be forgotten. otherways it can make you so sick, i feel it on myself, i get more depressed with every year and nobody really likes me cos im so sad. i cant make new friends cos i just have nothing to give. My Family is abusive and they doesnt help me with my Depression, cos my mother abused me. i dont even feel like i get help in this Forum, cos nobody want really to talk to me, besides some short polite Messages. I decided to take meds so that maybe it will help not to feel so much pain like right now.

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i often repeatedly replay the hurtful things ppl have said to me. no matter how many positive things ppl tell me, i still feel horrible. this has caused me to feel anxious and paranoid going out because im afraid someone is going to say something mean again, which is going to add to the negativity in my mind. so i often fake confidence so ppl dnt target me. but even tht doesnt work. i feel like i keep falling and falling. bad things seem to always happen when i try to be happy. i honestly cant take much more but all i can do is try to be strong and listen to songs tht will lift me up. tht doesnt stop the negative thoughts but im all out of options. i talk to ppl but tht doesnt do much either. all i can do is keep fighting eventhough it feels like i have no more fight left in me.

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