Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
nocturne

Broken record time again

Recommended Posts

I'm lonely. I'm feeling down. I've wasted my weekend, and I'd had such plans and energy and actual desire to be with people, but the obstacles are so many. I wrote a blog entry last night and I'm pretty sure nobody has even read it. I feel stupid for sitting here refreshing the screen every half hour just to see if my blog entry has been viewed or commented on. There's nobody to talk to, and I've never been one for chat-rooms, I find them disorienting. I don't know, I guess I'll go to bed. I feel bad about making this post because it's so selfish, and yet here I am doing it anyway. I think loneliness has to be the worst state of mind known to humanity. It hurts so much, not just mentally but even physically. This morning I had to hug my pillows it hurt so bad in my chest and my stomach. I binged badly yesterday and today. If you knew the amount and type of food I've consumed over the past two days I'm sure you would be shocked. It shocks me, and I've been living this way for most of the past 8 years, so I really should be used to it by now. But at least I've never lost the awareness that what I'm doing is severely bad for me and NOT in any way normal eating pattern.

Well, this has been quite a ramble. Ironically, I have to say I think the citalopram has actually started to kick in. Anxiety and paranoia is much reduced. Though my sadness, despair and loneliness are still very much there, I'm starting to feel strong desires to get out of the situations. I'm actually feeling driven towards improvements or positive actions, the ideas are at least entering my head, though I'm still finding myself mostly unable to implement them. Not sure what this means, except that it's almost increased my frustration level in a way. Previously I was miserable, and pretty much accepted that I was going to be miserable and that there was no way out. Now I'm starting to feel strongly that there might be a way out, I'm starting to strongly desire good experiences, but I still find I'm unable to get there. I guess the big change is that I'm no longer as resigned to my fate as before, but I still fear I'll be unable to do what needs to be done, and this weekend could certainly be seen as proof that this might be true.

Anyway, this is all about me, more like a blog entry than anything, but I just couldn't face putting another blog entry out there to be met only with silence. Of course this thread could be met with silence as well, and it wouldn't surprise me either way.

If you're here, thanks for reading. Take care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest sarah-nicole

(((((Nocturne))))

I am sorry you are struggling.....I do hope you will feel better soon. Let me go read your blog now :hearts:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Change is a hard especially if you suffer from depression and/or anxiety but it is possible. I think we need to make our goals realistic. It's too easy to become discouraged because we aren't exactly where we want to be. But change is a process, one step at a time. I encourage you to stop looking back at your failures, even if it was on the weekend. There's no point in dwelling on your failures, it achieves nothing except holding you back.

I can relate to having plans for the weekend and yet acheiving nothing. I am like that at times. I have found setting small goals helps a lot and giving myself a pat on the back each time I acheive a small goal... even if it's just taking a shower. I find I start to get motivation when I give myself encouragement but making myself feel shamed, guilty, bad etc about my failures acheives nothing and ends up demotivating me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"I think loneliness has to be the worst state of mind known to humanity. It hurts so much, not just mentally but even physically."

amen to that. I have been feeling utterly alone lately. everyone needs love, everyone needs human contact..ironically you are not alone in feeling alone, just keep writing and making new friends.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You may want to check out the Eating Disorders forum for your binges. You will find a lot of support there.

Glad to hear that your meds appear to be working and that you are beginning to feel more motivated. Little goals, little steps. Do not overwhelm yourself with numerous, impossible to achieve goals. This is a start to recovery and wellness. There are self-help topics in Psych Ed 101 that you may want to read. Positive change in ourself is most important to the way we think and behave. It is also the hardest to do as we must break old habits and thought patterns we perceive about ourself and others (also how we think that they may perceive us).

Lonliness is one of the most depressing feelings we can have. I have felt lonly, too. I couldn't drive for many years and was not able to see my friends on a regular basis. I find the loss of human contact to be the worse. Hopefully, as you begin to feel better, you will be able to be out and with your friends.

Sheepwoman :hearts:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know what you mean about making plans, wanting to be with people, then deciding not to go through with it coz it's too much. I've been setting small goals for myself as well, like neatoboy said; I write a list of things to do each day of the week. Some days are just simple things like stay at home, cook family dinner etc. to give myself a rest, and some are harder, like going out with friends for the day. If you keep it simple and at your own pace you can get through it. :hearts:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...