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Recently Graduated College. At Risk Of Becoming Depressed


Kyle

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I don't know if anyone will remember me, but a few years ago I had made a few threads asking for advice on my mother. To try to keep my situation description to a short minimum. Parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade (I'm 24 now). Mom has been very bitter about it and basically wants my dad to be miserable while she goes off and gets married and lives happily ever after. However when I was in high school the opposite happened, my dad is now happily married while my mom is alone and miserable. I also have two younger brothers, one is 22 and in the military. The other is 18 and severely disabled (can't walk, talk, see very well, and has the mental capability of a 1 year old). My mom has also been stuck in a house thats falling apart more and more every month for the past 8 years and has been without a job for a full year now, which means she hasn't had health insurance for that long either. The scary part is that she has blood pressure and anxiety problems. And has even fainted a couple times, even once giving herself a concussion but was unable to do anything about it because she didn't have the money to see a doctor. She is now at risk of falling into foreclosure on the house. Her only friends are 1000 miles away, and this house and her car have become a giant money pit.

Because of all of this my mom is severely depressed, and for the past 8 years has been an alcoholic. Even threatened suicide a few times during especially bad outbursts. The only sliver of hope she has is that she was recently accepted into a 4 month program where she can get a kidney dialysis license which means she will be qualified to work anywhere in the country. Meaning she's hoping this is her ticket out of this house and town she's stuck in.

NOW, on to me (sorry if that was too long). In 2007 I got accepted into my number 1 school, which I was really happy and excited about. For the past 4 years I worked extremely hard (12 hours a day), and gave up anything resembling a social life while I was in school.

Anyways, this past May I graduated. Given the economy I wasn't expecting a job all that soon, and 3 months later I still don't have one. No offers or anything despite all my best attempts. So like many these days I moved back to live with my dad, not my mom. I chose my dad for a few reasons. 1 being that after 4 years of not really having friends I wanted to go back and live in the town (mom and dad live in sperate towns 2 hours apart) where I have all my friends. I felt it was time I had a social life, Im 24, full of energy, and I don't want to spend it sitting around the house. The second reason is that my dad has a computer that allows me to continue work on my portfolio. My mom doesn't.

For the first two months it was fine. I was at my dads most of the time enjoying being with my friends. But then at the end of July my mom got into this dyalisis program which is awesome and I'm super happy for her. However because my disabled brother lives with my mom and goes to school there and because my mom goes to her own school from 6am to 4pm I have to be there to get my brother up and on the bus in the morning, as well as be there for him when he gets home. This means I have to be at my moms house at least 5 days a week because of my brother.

And while I'm glad to help, its making me depressed. For the past month I haven't seen my friends, and literally sit in the house all day with nothing to do, talking to no one. I can't even go anywhere because I have no car and no money. I feel trapped and it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to escape anytime soon. I'm 24 but I live like a 60 year old hermit.

I'm not even someone that gets depressed and I handle stress very well. But lately its been getting to me. Sometimes during the day I feel like crying because it all feels so hopeless, and other times I just feel angry at my mom and brother as if its their fault. And for the past month I haven't been able to get to sleep before 4am, I just lay there and no matter how hard I try my mind goes nuts.

After 4 years of staring at computer screens I was thinking my life would get better, even without a job after I graduated, but it seems like its just gotten worse. I have been hating my life for the past month, because I don't have one and I'm not sure what to do or how to escape this situation.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it was a bit long and I tend to ramble.

Edited by Kyle
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I'm sorry for you man and for the troubles you are having to face. I congratulate you for getting into the college you wanted and you seem like a really nice guy. You will get a job soon, I'm sure about that. And it's really good that your are so selflessly taking care of your brother - I applaud you for that. Good luck!

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I honestly don't even know if I'm depressed, yet. A lot of times I feel depressed but then there are times when I feel fine. Are there any ways to try to avoid it, or is it something thats just going to happen and unless something drastic happens there's not much I can do?

I ask because thats what i've observed from my mom. The only thing that will make her happy is if she were married and/or living back near her family and friends.

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It is the feeling of being overwhelmed and having no hope that is debilitating. I am impressed with how unselfish you are taking care of your brother. One of my most problematic negative thinking patterns is trying to predict what might or might not happen in the future, I get stuck in not being ble to see any solution to my problems. I know that I must try to take it one day at a time. It must be so hard having to be the caregiver on your own and be socially isolated. I am having difficulties with my desire to keep to myself. And yet you want to be with people and cant. I really hope you can talk to friends and family about your feelings. I have learned that if I keep them inside then I turn into a ticking time bomb. Take good care.

Edited by solarflare
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I really hope you can talk to friends and family about your feelings. I have learned that if I keep them inside then I turn into a ticking time bomb. Take good care.

I've tried talking about how I feel, and I get mixed responses at least from my mom. My parents both understand and feel that I need to have my own life and live on my own and be my own person, so they've said they feel guilty for what I'm having to do. I'm just really afraid to talk to my mom about more specific feelings. She has a tendency to turn everything around into being my dads fault 98% of the time. Somehow everything relates back to how much she hates my dad, and how much everything is his fault.

Sometimes it seems like just being around my mom and her attitude are part of whats making me feel depressed. She's always so negative and bitter about everything these days. Its like I haven't seen my 'real' mom since I was 10, and I'm 24 now! But if I bring up any of these feelings about her she gets really upset, tells me to go live with my dad, no one loves her, etc. Its like I just have to bite my lip the whole time and it just builds up.

Edited by Kyle
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