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I Feel Broken, And I Wish I Knew How To Fix Myself.


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Hello, my name is Michelle, and I am 29 years old. Even though I have felt this way as long as I can remember, I have only recently been diagnosed with a major depressive

disorder. I have started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I was also prescribed an anti-depressant to help me feel better. So far though, none of these things are helping

me feel any better. Where do I begin?

I work at a pharmacy and I hate my job. I work 40 hours a week, and commute over 2 hours a day to get there and back. I have no free time. I literally wake up, get ready for work, work,

come home, go to bed, and start it all over again the next day. My job is stressful, and very busy. Customers are nasty to me all day, for no reason at all. Work is the only time my depression

turns to anger. Either I am mad at people for giving me a hard time for things that are not my fault, or I am mad because some of my co - workers lack any kind of work ethic, and I get

extremely tired of having to work harder for people who don't wan to work at all. Sometimes I literally feel like my head is going to explode . . . and I have no release for my anger,

because I'm one of those people that just keeps it all inside. It would take me days to complete my rant about work, so I will just move on.

My mind is always full of negative thoughts. I hate myself, and have zero self esteem. I have no friends. I am tired all the time. I have no motivation to do anything, even things I like. Sometimes

it feels so hard enough to get out of bed, or even take a shower. On days I have off, I don't even want to move, let alone clean the house. My husband will end up doing the housework and making

me feel bad about it.

I love my husband very much, and I know if I ever lost him it would hurt me. But at the same time, I just want to be alone. For the last year or so, it has felt more like living with my

best friend, rather than living with my husband. There is no sex, no romance, no kissing, barely even a hug, and no intimacy of any kind. Not because of him, but because of me. I just have

no interest. I feel like I am broken. He is understanding most of the time, or at least pretends to be. Other times he makes me feel really bad, saying that it feels like I don't love him anymore. If

we do have sex, it is like a chore. I do it because, otherwise I end up feeling scared that he will leave me, or cheat on me. He doesn't understand what I am going through with this depression.

Sometimes it is just too much to have to deal with how I feel and how he is feeling at the same time. Sometimes, I feel selfish that I keep him for myself . . . when someone else would make him

happier than I can right now. I just know that without him, I would be completely lost. But as of this second, I feel I don't deserve him. I feel tremendous guilt about what I must be doing to him. These

are when the scariest and saddest thoughts come into my mind. Running away, or even the slightest thoughts of suicide.

I started therapy but I don't feel like I have gotten much out of it. We talk things over, but never go deep into why I am the way I am or how I can fix it. I just feel like I am setting myself up to eventually

lose everything.

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Hello, I read your post and just wanted to say you are not alone in your pain. There are lots of us here on DF that understand what you are going through just so you know that someone cares. I care enough to sit here and type this message to you that I am hoping you will finally get on the right medication and find a therapist that can really help you. I have a very good therapist and he helps me alot. Its all a matter of *clicking* with the therapist in that you know you have the right one!! You will know because you will come out of his office feeling good about yourself and your situation.

I wanna wish you the best of luck and sorry I dont have any magic answers for you, you didnt say you were looking for help, but alas I am just a person who wants to see you feel better about yourself and hang in the and things will work themselves out for the best - they always do in the long run...

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Hello again, I just wanted to second laurynjcat's message, it was right on the money and I think an excellent response. I wish I could add more help than she has given but she kinda nailed it all right. We do care about you and hope you get this message that again on DF you are not alone and can make some great friends... and your husband has seemed to be standing by you so I think that is a good sign also... I just hope he understands just how horrible depression and anxiety can be..

good luck again..

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Welcome to DF, blindfoldgirl,

ADs are designed to lift your mood which enables you to function better. If you've just started on one, give it some time to work. If you've been on one for a few months and your mood is still low, you should see your pdoc again.

My mind is always full of negative thoughts. I hate myself, and have zero self esteem

CBT was suggested. I am doing it right now for the same reason that you're experiencing. I will admit that it takes a lot of hard self-work to change the negative thoughts. It's a good self-esteem builder also. Try to find a therapist who incorporates therapy in their practice. I think it would be more beneficial for you. There are several topics about CBT and some of the exercises in the Psych Ed 101 forum.

I had a long commute when I worked. I used to take the ferry which mafe it more bearable as I had friends on it. I moved and then started taking the bus. It was crowded and I sometimes had to stand all the way home. Then the office moved to a location where there was no public transportation. I used to go in very early to miss the traffic. I worked with a very dynamic group of people and we got along really well. The manager was horrible, he wouldn't let us talk to each other about our projects. I was the "go to" person whenever there was a problem on aproject. Lack of communication destryed the job for me and it became so stressful, I had to go out on disability. I was eventually terminated as my doc said I couldn't return unless I was put in a fifferent area of the company. Their answer was no,

Your husband is hanging in there with you. You may want to give him some printed info about depression to read. I think it will give him a better understanding of what you are experiencing. He will also be able to give you better support and maybe some encouragement.

Sheepwoman

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Thanks for the responses. I guess I didn't ask for help here, . . . maybe because I just wanted to be around those who know how I feel. It's hard when you have those who know what is going on, but do not understand. I've been on the anti-depressant now for about a month, and I am due to see my psychiatrist this week. We might have to up the dose, because I haven't had much of a change. As far as work goes, I hit my breaking point a couple of months ago, and my boss suggested I should take some time off . . . so I did. Was about 20 days, which was nice. The problem with that was, with nothing to get me out of the house I just sat around and didn't accomplish anything. Barely took showers. I felt very guilty about not using my vacation for something positive. As far as moving closer, I'm working on it. But it's hard to get a transfer when the hours have been cut so bad. And I want to stay with my company because I have worked my way up to a senior technician and I don't want to start over again.

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  • 7 years later...
On ‎7‎/‎10‎/‎2011 at 1:29 PM, blindfoldedgirl said:

 

 

Hello, my name is Michelle, and I am 29 years old. Even though I have felt this way as long as I can remember, I have only recently been diagnosed with a major depressive

disorder. I have started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I was also prescribed an anti-depressant to help me feel better. So far though, none of these things are helping

me feel any better. Where do I begin?

I work at a pharmacy and I hate my job. I work 40 hours a week, and commute over 2 hours a day to get there and back. I have no free time. I literally wake up, get ready for work, work, 

come home, go to bed, and start it all over again the next day. My job is stressful, and very busy. Customers are nasty to me all day, for no reason at all. Work is the only time my depression

turns to anger. Either I am mad at people for giving me a hard time for things that are not my fault, or I am mad because some of my co - workers lack any kind of work ethic, and I get

extremely tired of having to work harder for people who don't wan to work at all. Sometimes I literally feel like my head is going to explode . . . and I have no release for my anger,

because I'm one of those people that just keeps it all inside. It would take me days to complete my rant about work, so I will just move on.

My mind is always full of negative thoughts. I hate myself, and have zero self esteem. I have no friends. I am tired all the time. I have no motivation to do anything, even things I like. Sometimes

it feels so hard enough to get out of bed, or even take a shower. On days I have off, I don't even want to move, let alone clean the house. My husband will end up doing the housework and making

me feel bad about it.

I love my husband very much, and I know if I ever lost him it would hurt me. But at the same time, I just want to be alone. For the last year or so, it has felt more like living with my

best friend, rather than living with my husband. There is no sex, no romance, no kissing, barely even a hug, and no intimacy of any kind. Not because of him, but because of me. I just have

no interest. I feel like I am broken. He is understanding most of the time, or at least pretends to be. Other times he makes me feel really bad, saying that it feels like I don't love him anymore. If

we do have sex, it is like a chore. I do it because, otherwise I end up feeling scared that he will leave me, or cheat on me. He doesn't understand what I am going through with this depression.

Sometimes it is just too much to have to deal with how I feel and how he is feeling at the same time. Sometimes, I feel selfish that I keep him for myself . . . when someone else would make him

happier than I can right now. I just know that without him, I would be completely lost. But as of this second, I feel I don't deserve him. I feel tremendous guilt about what I must be doing to him. These

are when the scariest and saddest thoughts come into my mind. Running away, or even the slightest thoughts of suicide.

I started therapy but I don't feel like I have gotten much out of it. We talk things over, but never go deep into why I am the way I am or how I can fix it. I just feel like I am setting myself up to eventually

lose everything.

 

 

Michelle, I'm so sorry that you are having some rough times right now.  Hang in

there my friend and I pray nothing but the best for you and your husband moving

forward from this point.       

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