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lena_larker

What Actually Caused Your Depression?

  

1,104 members have voted

  1. 1. What do you think caused your Depression?

    • It was all me.
    • Family.
    • So called "friends".
    • Everything. Everybody.
    • It was this one 'turning point' in my life.
    • I blame it on the genes.
    • I'm not actually depressed..
    • Really - I have no idea why I'm even depressed.
    • It's something else really..
  2. 2. At what age did you begin developing Depression?



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I became depressed after a traumatic brain injury. Since then, I've been in a number of other traumatic experiences. Also, I was born with a hyper-sensitive central nervous system, which my therapist says contributes.

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I feel like I'm over the "hump" of depression...after 5 years of serious treatment am trying to face it on my own without medication. But, in the beginning, I feel like it was a series of terrible events that just kept knocking me down and I was just unable to cope or handle on my own. It started with my father being killed in a bank robbery...we were incredibly close and it just devastated me. Before I could deal, I was diagnosed with cancer, which was in very early stages and I was lucky enough to be able to get away with just surgery to deal with it. Near after that, I lost my little brother. For years I just felt like I was under attack and couldn't quite get myself picked up and dusted off before being hit again. Healing is hard when you feel like the earth is constantly shattering under you and I am convinced that this is what let me get sick.

I think too that my very strong tendency towards introversion doesn't help...I'm a "hider" and just like to be in my quiet space and don't have the relflex to reach out for help. I'm trying to get better at this now...hence my decision to join and share once deciding to do this without meds

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Dealt with episodic depression from constant emotional abuse from my mother as a child. At age 12 I got sexually assaulted and that's when I started developing frequent depression. I also think genes play a part in acquiring this illness.

Edited by owlleef

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Although my parents divorced when I was 10 years old, it was after many years of constant fighting, ******ous horrible fighting, mental cruelty, abuse. My father won us in the court case and he was the abuser. He broke my mothers arm and jaw and still got the kids. He started right in on us. First he tried to teach us to behave as though we were in the army, beating us for any rule infraction. He kept changing the rules though, so he could just lash out and beat us for anything when ever he felt. We'd be beaten because of a wrong expression over dinner, for not cleaning the dishes correctly (he would break all the dishes) if we did not make the beds, he'd throw all of our belongings away, and so on.

In addition I was a tall girl, in the 5th grade I was as tall as my teacher, and people at school saw me as much older, and emotionally mature than I was. I was pushed in the back of the room with the low achievers, and ignored, since I was not really good at anything. Kids threw rocks at me, and no one wanted to be my friend. I would cry every day. People just did not treat me like a human being as though I had feelings. I had no friends-- I wanted to die even when I was a very young child.

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I suffered only one depressive episode in my life till now. My depression started when I was 16 and I have suffered very severe clinical depression 2 years back (I am 18 now). The reason is very sweet but the symptoms are horrible. Besides genes, I fell in love with a girl. So, I thought of making her love me too so I tried to make her love me.. tried alot.. tried, tried and kept trying, searching over internet how to make someone fall for you and applying those bulls*** techniques but failed to make her fall for me. She didn't love me and I got severely depressed and then decided to never love anyone until marriage because it's just useless and pointless. I recovered my depression with 6 months and now suffer GAD and maybe some form of OCD too.

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I could't vote as I don't blame my depression on anyone or myself. It is just the way my brain responded to the weight of grief I carried after the death of one of my best friends, and the systematic dismantling of my support system. I have always been very independent, but an excellent and loving friend. I had a small support system to begin with because I rarely needed it - just needed to know it was there, but now it's not. The ones I was closest to are dead or gone, and I don't know how to get close to new people.

I haven't figured out a way to make it better yet. But I will. I don't have any other option except to make my life something that doesn't suck as much as it does now. I think I'm making progress because I look back and things were worse before. So, I'm just trying to get back to the place I was when I felt free. I know I'm changed from all of this, but I have to believe that it gets better. I refuse to stay this way.

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(1)Emotional Deprivation Disorder

(2) http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343/ref=pd_sim_b_7

Mother love is often seen as sacred, but for many children the relationship is a painful struggle. Using the newest research on human attachment and brain development, Terri Apter, an internationally acclaimed psychologist and writer, unlocks the mysteries of this complicated bond. She showcases the five different types of difficult mother—the angry mother, the controlling mother, the narcissistic mother, the envious mother, and the emotionally neglectful mother—and explains the patterns of behavior seen in each type. Apter also explores the dilemma at the heart of a difficult relationship: why a mother has such a powerful impact on us and why we continue to care about her responses long after we have outgrown our dependence. She then shows how we can conduct an “emotional audit” on ourselves to overcome the power of the complex feelings a difficult mother inflicts. In the end this book celebrates the great resilience of sons and daughters of difficult mothers as well as acknowledging their special challenges.

With Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.

In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse.

Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.

Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.

In her well-researched study freelance journalist Secunda draws on 100 interviews with grown daughters in which they describe early painful relationships with their mothers, protracted in their adult emotional lives and memories. To help repair the damage done to the psyches of daughters whose mothers are characterized as, for instance, the Avenger, the Doormat, the Smotherer, the author suggests a measure of separation from the mother--"divorce" if need be--designed to rid the daughter of guilt, restore her self-esteem and prepare her for her own motherhood. Secunda advises daughters to forgive their fallible mothers, "who did the best they could," and attempt a balance based on generosity and self-preservation. Nevertheless, this study tends to treat daughters as hapless victims, underestimating the pressures imposed on mothers of yesterday and today.
Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved, usually through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the chain. Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring additional attention to this book.
-Marguerite Mroz, Baltimore Cty. P.L.

Emotional Deprivation Disorder 2292.jpg
Emotional Deprivation Disorder was first discovered by Dutch psychiatrist Dr. Anna A. Terruwe in the 1950's and was called the Frustration Neurosis (De frustratie neurose in Dutch; Deprivation Neurosis when translated into the English language by her colleague, Dr. Conrad W. Baars).

Dr. Terruwe found that a person could exhibit symptoms of an anxiety disorder or repressive disorder when these symptoms, in fact, were not the result of repression, but rather the result of a lack of unconditional love in early life. Emotional Deprivation Disorder is a syndrome which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one's life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individual’s stunted emotional growth. Unaffirmed persons are incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person. Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a person’s body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will.1
Symptoms and Characteristics of Emotional Deprivation Disorder:

Please see Healing the Unaffirmed for a complete description of the symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder as well as discussions on therapy and prevention of this disorder.


image002.gif Insufficiently Developed Emotional Life
Abnormal Rapport
o Incapable of establishing normal, mature contact with others
o Feels lonely and uncomfortable in social settings
o Capable of a willed rapport but not an emotional investment in relationships
Egocentric
o Childhood level of emotional development
o Feels like a child or and infant and others must focus their attention on the individual just as an adult would focus on a young child.
o Incapable of emotional surrender to a spouse
Reactions Around Others
o May be fearful in nature or courageous and energetic
o More fearful people tend to become discouraged or depressed
o More courageous and energetic persons can become more aggressive
image002.gif Uncertainty & Insecurity
Fear or anxiety
o Can be in the form of a generalized anxiety
o Fear of hurting someone else’s feelings
o Fear of hurting others or contaminating them (e.g. with germs or a cold)
o Need for frequent reassurance
Feels incapable of coping with life
o Worry that they’ll be put in a situation they can’t handle
o Can be easily discouraged or depressed
o May pretend to be in control in order to mask inner feelings and fearfulness
Hesitation and Indecisiveness
o Difficulty in making decisions
o Easily changes mind
Oversensitivity
o Overly sensitive to the judgments of others, criticism or slights
o Easily hurt or embarrassed
Need to Please Others
o Pleases others in order to protect self from criticism or rejection and gain approval of others
o Easily taken advantage of or exploited
o Fear of asking for favors or services needed
Self-consciousness
o Worried about what other people think
o Self-doubt and need for reassurance
Helplessness
o Do not dare to say “no” for fear of rejection
image002.gif Inferiority and Inadequacy
Feel Unloved
o Believe that no one could possibly love them
o Feel devoid of all feelings of love
o Believe they are incapable of loving others or God
o Suspicious of any token of affection – continually doubt sincerity of others
Physical Appearance
o May have feelings of inadequacy due to physical appearance
Feelings of Intellectual Incompetence
o May have difficult completing projects
o Repeated failure or fear of failure
Show Signs of Disintegration in New Circumstances
o Fear of new situations and challenges
o Difficulty coping with new job, landlord, moving, etc.

Sense Impairments
o Undeveloped or underdeveloped senses (touch, taste, sight, smell)
o Lack of order, disorganization
o Fatigue
image002.gif Further symptoms found in some individuals with emotional deprivation disorder:

o Deep feelings of guilt
o Kleptomania
o Need to collect and hoard useless things
o Paranoid condition
The Cure? …Affirmation!
Affirmation: When one person is the source of unconditional love and emotional strengthening for another person. See also our page on Affirmation Therapy. This syndrome and its related symptoms and therapy are discussed at length in Healing the Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder.

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Now this gets to the heart of the matter. For me, it is most likely a combination of environment and genetics. My mother was clearly an undiagnosed depressive, although I only realized that later in life. The environment though, tipped the balance. Without going into the details, neither of my parents were actually fit to be parents. It's a pity there is no such thing as a test to determine a-priori if individuals should be allowed to have children. If there were it would obviate a great deal of suffering in this world. Anyhow, combine that with years of uncertainty plus unrelenting fear for the future and you have a toxic mix that overshadows the rest of your life.

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I began developing depression at the age of 9 (or as it was diagnosed from) and having been bullied and changing primary school with no friends, I was alone to face the changes in my life. Once I changed schools I became a solitude, being on my own and couldn't stop crying in lessons. But when I came to accept the change of schools, that last year of primary school was the best I had experienced.

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I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since I was very very young. As soon as I started to equate my worth as a person with personal success. Being really clever, having lots of friends, being really pretty, being talented at everything I turned my hand to...obviously this is an impossibly high bar but it was set for me by my father. When I wasn't good at something he never said "That's okay", he always said "Why?". And it wasn't as though he chose to attack me for things I was slacking on. I always gunned for top marks in everything, because I wanted to please him. I wanted to make it impossible for him to be disappointed in me. Nothing was ever good enough. Ever. 97% in a test? Second place in a competition? It all came down to me not working hard enough. My father was the person who instructed me to wear makeup to cover my acne. He constantly criticised me for my weight, or my clothing. He chose the friends I could hang out with and then made fun of me when I didn't socialise. I had no one left, he had ostracised me and I was being targeted in school by bullies.

When he found out I'd been self-harming to cope he eased off, but the damage was done. I am now so self-critical that the most meagre of tasks causes me distress. If it is not completed to perfection, I feel sick and ashamed. Even my own handwriting bothers me. What makes me sicker is that my father has now got such low expectations for me...he regularly refers to me as his burden. He steals credit for my small victories over my depression. I'm locked in.

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My depression came about by child sexual abuse done by my father and brother and holding the guilt and shame inside. My depression takes a turn for the worse when my mother verbally abuses me. I guess this is my lot in life...to be abused in any way and by everyone

Edited by shatteredwarrior

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Brain chemistry. I'll tell you what I think and you may think I'm totally nuts, but I was born nicotine-addicted, because my mom smoked throughout her life--and during her pregnancy. I believe at birth, I experienced withdrawal.

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For me, I feel like I can very much identify both the genetic factors and the environmental ones. Mental illness runs deep in both my mother and fathers families. From eating disorders to depression treated (in the 40's) by electric shock therapy. My father definitely has depression and my mom had several breakdowns in her life.

My childhood was very unstable - we were evicted a lot, homeless for a few months, and there was constant arguing between my parents.

I developed agoraphobia at 13 after experiencing my first round of intense panic attacks. That sort of kicked off years of medication and therapy and it coming in waves off and on.

I developed intense social anxiety and with that came OCD, BDD, and depression from fighting with myself all of the time.

It's hard to not wish things had been different or to want to blame my parents for not supporting me differently, because then I might be healthier....

My mother was also so so critical and impatient with me. I read somewhere your inner voice develops largely based on what you heard from your mother which would explain why I am so hard on myself....

Edited by Thegirlupstairs

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That's the most frustrating thing I find with my depression - I genuinely have no idea at all what caused me to feel like this, I've felt this way for as long as I remember. I really don't know. I don't have a terrible life, there must be millions upon millions worse off than I am. I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not and that just makes me feel ungrateful and unappreciative.

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For me it probably started in middle school. I never felt "right" around other people. I just felt like I was watching life happen instead of actually living. In High School I was very smart, but didn't get very good grades and since the family didn't have money, I joined the military. I got into a very challenging field (they say the most challenging of all jobs in any branch, at least academically) and have spent 23 years there. I'm about to retire and now it hits me, in the middle of a divorce, child custody battle, retirement, complete rejection by the one woman that I worshipped. Its really hard to even breathe right now, but I think I've ALWAYS been depressed. I just never sought out a doc because in my field, if you do that it is a sign of weakness and only "quitters" do that. But now, i'm on the way out and FINALLY realized that I don't have to feel like this anymore. I hope I can get help and have a chance at real happiness in a relationship. I can only hope.

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Have had it on and off since 17, triggered by stress, but the episodes always lifted and I got back to normal. I've now been depressed for 8 months due to drug abuse. I'm slowly climbing out of the darkness though.

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1. Family problems growing up

2. Being bullied/having s***ty friends

3. A s***ty relationship

4. Being taken advantage of sexually... I think.... you could probably call it rape...I don't know... big can of worms....

5. Feeling like I never really fit in anywhere when I was growing up and that I was different and misunderstood and that everyone thought I was a loser even though I knew I was smart

6. I think the depression got worse because I never got help for it when I was younger so it's been kind of like a festering wound for 10ish years that I am just now getting help for, but when you're a teenager and feel like you can't talk to your parents about it... what option do you really have?

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I think it's a combination of a dysfunctional childhood environment and the culture I live in. People have been telling me I'd love to live abroad my entire life, but it wasn't until I started actually studying other cultures that I realized how out of place I am as opposed to simply being a broken person. There are places out there with social norms and attitudes that I'd thrive under instead of fake conforming to out of fear of total and absolute rejection. Knowing this only makes it harder to live here now...

Edited by Licorice

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I'm sure I already posted in here, but if I haven't.... as of right now I'm deeply depressed by my past and the abuse my ex boyfriend put me through. I still continue to have flashback and second guess myself half the time cause of the horrible things he's said to me. Right now I'm dealing with nightmares, crying spells, self hatred and paranoia, lots of mood changes.

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The first time I remember depression effecting me was on 9/1/88 the day my infant daughter died. It opened a pandoras box I never knew existed or wss even possible. My mother also suffered from depression so maybe its a combination of both

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It's great that everyone is sharing their stories here - even the difficult personal bits. There are so many posts I want to read through them all but realistically speaking I can only get through a few. I will come back and look here from time to time though, I feel like it's good to hear other perspectives on your story so I'd be happy to continue the trend we have here of providing that.

This might get pretty long and unnecessarily detailed, but I feel like writing this will be pretty cathartic, so perhaps this is more for me than anybody else. I'm really trying to pick up on as many past triggers and possible answers as I can find, with the hindsight and knowledge I have now. Here goes:

I think, for me, the seeds were sewn when I was in my final year of school (sixth form), and I was at a boarding school in Canterbury, in a house of about 18 girls. This house, Bailey, was treated as the loser house, as the school started from year 9, but: 1. all the girls in Bailey joined in year 12, missing some key formative friendship years for the rest of the school and 2. I have no real confirmation of this but the story goes that the girls that did the best in their sixth form entrance exams were put in Bailey, so we were dubbed a nerd house. In the previous years, the house had been dominated by Asian international students who had genuinely come to this country to excel academically (which is absolutely fine), which I believe contributed to this stereotype. Anyway, our year, and the school in general, was populated by what I can only call the "upper class public school" sector of Britain, who had their own tight social circles and perpetuated their own ideas of what was acceptable and what wasn't. Needless to say it was very difficult fitting in, and I was a pretty loud, sometimes annoying, awkward, gangly, boyish bundle of late-pubescent nerves. After a year, and a couple confusing and humiliating crushes on (unfortunately quite popular and mouthy) people, the damage had been done, and my own small insecurities became rather mammoth-sized.

The girlish banterous teasing that happened within my own house, between friends, that, in retrospect was harmless, really got to me. A pattern seemed to emerge. I tried really hard to be like the other girls, play up what I thought was pretty about me, I tried to walk in heels (and learned to do it pretty well but that's beside the point), I wore hair extensions, I thought long and hard about boys in our year that I really did like, that I really did have chemistry with - because people were saying I was gay. I didn't want to be lesbian. I really didn't. I stopped wearing trainers, and all my preening and lying to myself went into hyperdrive.

I thought I had something with a guy the previous year, but never spoke to him, and developed a rather awkward embarrassed relationship with him that never really grew past that. I did have several female best friends however, and with each one, people would point out how similar to a relationship the dynamics were. In my final year, I developed a crush on my last best female friend. I remember the day when I reasoned with myself, and finally allowed the thought that she was "sexy" to surface.

One night, towards the end of the year, around the exam period, I felt so ugly and disgusting. I looked in the mirror and was embarrassed at my own manly face, and awkward nature, and my inability to really navigate my relationships with boys because of this (well that's what I thought then anyway). I read about it, and finally asked myself if I felt like a girl. I was horrified to hear the answer in myself - that I didn't. I didn't feel like anything. I sucked it up and continued wearing skimpy dresses, heels and extensions to parties, knowing that all I was doing was confusing myself more. I was hurting. I felt awkward with how differently people would treat me when I was dressed up. I hated how the dynamics in all my relationships changed (except for those with my closest girl-friends in the house). Interacting with boys was different. I hated that they were suddenly all nice and buddy with me. I hated that I wanted to hook up with them to confirm my own value as a woman/whatever I felt like. I hated that I never had the confidence to just walk through the library with no make up, dressed how I felt inside. When I had just arrived at boarding school, I could do all that with ease. I just was. I never thought twice about who or how I was, and wouldn't even entertain ideas that would challenge it. To this day I still pine for the days when I felt that way.

When I left boarding school and attained my A-Level results, I had flunked them. I felt awful. I couldn't go to any of the universities I had received offers for. I took a gap year.

A few days into my gap year, this feeling of masculine, gangly awkwardness came back. But this time, I didn't even have my boarding house friends to distract myself with, by joking around or something like that. I was alone, living at home, powering through my retakes, and frightened of who I actually was. I realised I had flunked my A-Levels for that exact reason. I enjoyed distracting myself from myself. I enjoyed putting the approval of others before my own values or comfort or even wellbeing. I yearned, more than anything, for superficial approval, and love, and lots of it. I was almost numb to what was going on in my own life. I would lie about attraction to boys when really, what my girl friends were talking about, I never even came close to going through. I was so used to masking reality that I wasn't even sure what it felt like or what was true, and what was so wrong with a lie. All these things would come back to haunt me as I grew more and more depressed.

After a few weeks of crying and attending class at my retake college with no friends, I came out to myself. I left a million and one cries for help on Yahoo Answers, various LGBT messaging boards and helplines. I realised I was gay, and though I didn't say it to anyone, I did manage to find an LGBT youth counsellor in London who helped me talk through my confusion.

I relaxed into myself, but there was a lot more self-discovery and learning to be done. I had no friends at this college, and that really got to me. I really wanted some form of intellectual stimulation, and all of my old friends were now at university. I didn't join any clubs, but plucked up the courage to go to the LGBT youth group a little before the end of the year. I'd love to say that that year with no friends didn't affect my outlook on life and myself, but it did. All those voices that called me a loser at boarding school, that I tried to silence my trying to impress everyone, had come back, and this time they were accompanied by internal homophobia. My family are Christian and Jamaican, so the attitudes towards the LGBT community weren't exactly open-minded. I constantly worried and burst into tears about my "secret", wanting to tell someone but having no friends to talk to, and no family that would want to listen to this particular problem. I felt ugly, and isolated and alone. For some reason, being "ugly" played a bit part in my feeling like I belonged on this earth. Me fitting in socially played a huge part too.

As the counselling sessions progressed, I gained courage, and gradually became more optimistic about myself and my prospects in life. I did well in my A-Levels, and even went to France during the summer for two months for work experience. I had no friends there either, which again fed my insecurities about being a "loser", but you can't have it all.

I arrived at uni, and these insecurities came with me. I still hadn't come out to many/any people, except one bisexual friend I had met up with over summer. The best friend from boarding school that I had a crush on was Christian and somewhat homophobic, which didn't help when it came to needing someone to open up to. I struggled to have things in common with those in my halls at uni, hated the music played in the clubs we went to, and noticed that the few connections I had made were very sad, borderline-depressed spirits too. They were disappointed with the people they had met at uni (I personally think there aren't enough creative minds at my uni) and I could see it was impacting their enjoyment there. A month in, I finally plucked up the courage to come out to a friend of mine, and she accepted me. My insecurity and feelings of masculine ugliness mixed with a desire to mask it and impress people meant I had made very few friends in my lectures, halls and the parties I had gone to, compared to others I lived with. I felt alone and frustrated, but glad that I had one friend that understood. The next term I joined the LGBT group, and went to their socials. I met some other black LGBT people there which really changed my outlook, especially as they, again, felt the same way about the general public on campus. As I hung out with them more, I grew in confidence, and though I still had issues with avoiding my own work and plans, I got better at it.

Unfortunately, it was too late. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had developed a complex about being a loser, not being good enough, not being worth anything, even though I had a few people around me who actually cared for me. I began to entertain the idea that my true feelings weren't worth being expressed to others, as it would only make social interactions more cumbersome. I didn't think I could attract a partner by being myself. I didn't think anyone would like me for me. I felt like a freakshow, an anomaly.

At the same time, oddly, without noticing, I worked through a lot of the issues I had developed with the world around me. I came out to my "homophobic" best friend, who accepted me with open arms. I came out to a few other groups of friends who did the same, and eventually I came out to my parents. Though they couldn't fully grasp my certainty, they still accepted me for who I was and am. I continued to get counselling, this time from the university campus counsellor. I even had a few "tussles" with some girls from the LGBT group, which, as lame as it is, really did help with my confidence.

My LGBT friends took me to a few gay clubs over the summer, but my discomfort with my image STILL affected my confidence, and only served to confirm my "loser" complex. A month in to that summer, I became deeply depressed and anxious, and considered ******* myself. I had reasoned that all the people that liked me were stupid and didn't know any better, and were bad people, and all the people that could make me happy would never like me because I was too uncool and weird for them. I even saw the traits I didn't like in my family as an extension to this. I hated myself and the skin I was in and wanted to trade.

I got some emergency counselling and journaled a lot of my thoughts, and eventually I was well enough to be ready for the new year at uni. This year. I had thought through a lot of my social problems, and thanks to some great advice from friends, family and most importantly the Internet, I learned that even if I don't feel like I'm good enough, I AM good enough. I stopped hating my family and friends and started to see that they needed the love and patience that I needed so badly too. It made things a lot simpler.

Still, I have difficulties motivating myself, just like I did over this summer, but I know there is a truth to life. I know that if I agree to take on board all the positive facts I know, if I agree to accept them as fact, then they will become true, and I will, eventually, be happy. It's not easy, and it's pretty day-to-day, but it's good knowing I've come this far.

I still have moments where I just want to stop thinking positively about life (I am an over-thinker, so even living positively becomes exhausting sometimes), and drop everything and be depressed again, but I know it won't achieve anything, and that things will just get on top of me. Plus, however you think about something, it doesn't change the facts. Whether you do or you don't think everyone hates you, how they feel is how they feel. No amount of paranoid second-guessing can change that.

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I think it was because I am very unhappy in my job. I am so lonely and would love to be in a relationship again. Then there are all these stupid little problems that keep happening all the time, and I am all alone in having to deal with them. It feels like I am just putting out fires the whole time.

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Wow, Black Thought...anyone who can write with the kind of depth you did above is definitely "good enough". :)That was a powerful read. Thanks for sharing it with us.

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