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lena_larker

What Actually Caused Your Depression?

  

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  1. 1. What do you think caused your Depression?

    • It was all me.
    • Family.
    • So called "friends".
    • Everything. Everybody.
    • It was this one 'turning point' in my life.
    • I blame it on the genes.
    • I'm not actually depressed..
    • Really - I have no idea why I'm even depressed.
    • It's something else really..
  2. 2. At what age did you begin developing Depression?



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I believe I started to develop depression when I was12 years old, for the main reason being at that time - bullied and picked on. I'm 19 now and still depressed, but of an entirely different issue. I know, you may think this "disorder" is a tad bit stupid, but what caused my depression starting in my 9th year of high school was really the fact that I had issues 'swallowing' in public. It was the most painful shyt I had to endure in my 19 years of living (and onward) really. Because I had serious nervous tensions swallowing in public, I had problems talking to people, raising my hand to answer questions, and basically it was impossible for me to do anything. I couldn't go out to family dinners for the fact that I would be extremely embarrassed if anyone were to caught me "making sounds" while eating my food, and that most terrible annoying 'slimy sound' I make when I try my hardest to swallow food. I recall always being constantly jealous of all these young people around me that lived such great and exciting lives because they didn't have this crappin problem that I had. The only reason they could go out to parties, shopping, dates, vacation spots, and do anything they wanted to was because they had too good of lives to free of disorders to be able to do anything they wanted to. If I could, I would've had the opportunities to do all the things these 'prioritized' individuals could do that I could never not.

On a daily basis I find it very dissappointing that I'm gifted with high intelligence and beauty YET I'm cursed with this most agonizing issue. I kind of feel like had it not been for the disorder I have, I would've lived a COMPLETELY opposite lifestyle that I have as of now. Go out with friends, actually HAVE friends, have a life, and if I could enjoy it. But I can't. Everytime I push myself to swallow or eat publicly, I always end up doing an entirely embarrassing mistake and everyone ends staring in my direction and get extremely uncomfortable around me. Gosh I hate it when people get extremely uneasy around your issue. I just think of it as their way of telling you how nasty you're sounding and that it's something you can't hide publicly. God I hate people that are like that. I just wish I never had this disorder in the first place.

Aside from that I always managed to blame my issue on my own mother. Probably because she's a woman, and as a woman she does not give the less CARE about decency and manners and all that when she's eating. She chews horrendously when she eats and act like nothing's completely wrong with what she's doing by giving you this most annoying "cutesy attitude". Sometimes my mom can act like the most annoying 2 year old baby I've ever met. I swear she acts more childish than children younger than me. And don't let me get started on my dad - that man acts like a freakin hyena when he chews on his food. He's not scared to chew with his mouth open big and wide so you can clearly see all that gross and disgusting mixtures of food that's been cramped together like a garbage dump inside. I've always blamed my disorder on my parents because I guess in a way, I can't help it but hate everything about them. I've always blamed the genes I was cursed with to be the cause of my disorder, but I guess in a way, the blame is also on myself, for not even "managing" to change.

What do you guys think, and what are your stories? I'm very interested to hear and would love to chat with you all :)

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Hi lena_larker

This is a very interesting topic and I am sure it is going to be very active. I am not a professional, but it almost seems that you fear of swallowing in public is almost an obsession. Have you ever considered going to a therapist in regards to helping you break patterns that come from your family?

Anyway, what caused my depression (I do not suffer from it anymore, I am on the other side of the dark side now). My depression was not clinical, it was situational. My ex husband walked out on me and our two very small kids for another woman, actually a woman and a girl (yes 2, one a minor), he never looked back. He took everything that we had, including all my money, he left us with only our clothes and no roof over our heads and he also left me with all his debt, mountains of it and then proceeded to make more in my name after he left. My kids and I had to sleep in one tiny room on blow up mattress's together in my Mothers house (who is abusive) for almost two years, until I could save the money to get us all out of there, which I eventually did.

During this time, I got really ill as well and got diagnosed with a chronic illness called Lupus.

Anyway, I am now very happy and my whole life is different and really good, thanks to DF and an excellent therapist.

Trace

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I've got a long family history of depression on my father's side, so I was at risk for it anyway. My depression was triggered by a job in a spectacularly disfunctional company, working for The Boss From Hell. My stress level went through the roof, and I eventually had my very first depressive episode, staying out of work for a week.

I did have enough sense to see a doctor, get diagnosed, and start on therapy fairly soon. One of the first things we settled on was that I had to get out of that job, whatever the consequences. I'm still not sure if I quit or they fired me, but I had my office packed up within forty-eight hours. Being unemployed sucks, but that was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

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I think my depression started when I was 12. I can't point to any specific cause, most of it seemed to be very internal, but a lot of things have fed into it over the years. I didn't have many long lasting friends at that point. And the one I treated very badly because of my feelings, (something I just now apologized for), my sister also attempted suicide around this time, and I'm sure that was very confusing for me. I was already shy and no longer trustworthy of people, but in late 2007, a *former* role model of mine did something extremely ignorant and horrible, long story short I'm glad he's sitting in prison right now. I didn't realize until about a year ago that this had profoundly affected my ability to trust anyone, especially men.

In 2009 it seemed like although all the negative thoughts were still there, things weren't as bad. BUT, I foolishly convinced myself that in the year 2010 my life would magically turn around, but in reality it ended up being the worst year of my life. Literally no more than a week into 2010 I started having many external and internal problems. And all this just crushed me because I realized it just wouldn't go away overnight, and it sent me into the worst episodes of my life and many of my symptoms have gotten much worse since the beginning of 2010.

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Hi Lena,

It's very sad that such a normal part of a persons life for most people affects you so much. You shouldn't blame yourself at all though as you clearly want to change but are finding it difficult. Have you tried any therapy to see if it helps? Or maybe just to try to stop thinking about what others think of it? I'm sure those who care about you don't mind any noises you make, especially with your good qualities too. :) We've all got a few imperfections though, even if it doesn't seem like those other people have problems, they do.

My story: I was 14/15 when it really started. I was learning more about the world, the people in it (as adults as opposed to children) and discovering who I wanted to be as a person. I found I didn't like what I saw, the way people treat the world and each other, that we seem to carelessly destroy it all and the people with the wealth and power do little to make the difference they can.

I realise just how different I was that I hated lying, and refused to be mean to people and wanted a loving peaceful world. I have a strange set of beliefs and morals that made it difficult to maintain close friendships, I'd grown old enough to make my own decisions and could finally say no to doing things I didn't want to do. At first I was still naive and tried partying a bit, but I didn't really like it's effects on people and I slowly grew out of it. I've always wanted to settle down and have a proper relationship, I have no interest in forming anything that isn't going to last as I see it as a waste of time. This again helped isolate me, especially when I loved someone in a way I've never felt since. I felt like I was meant to be with her the day I met her, I've never been able to explain it, and I've always felt love at first sight a bit fanciful as you need to know someone really well as a friend to love them. I often wondered if she didn't have good qualities if I'd have just gone off of her like others but this didn't happen. She never had an interest in me.

I tried to move on as I had no choice and I dated someone who lied to me, used me, cheated on me and abused me emotionally and at times physically. My dream of settling down to start a family and only being with one person(something I felt extremely strong about and was very clear with people about) was over. At the same time my grades had fallen away at school as I just couldn't concentrate on anything for long enough. I guess when I was young and there was less work I could focus enough but I couldn't do it anymore. I think now perhaps I have ADD, but I always just thought I learned differently to others and got bored easily, especially as I'd always been so bright and they thought I was underachieving. I managed to fail my favourite subject, even though I knew so much more than the rest of class I just couldn't write the long essays required or express things well. Dropped out a few months later and had to give up my career plans - and I'd already given up my fav sport to make time to study and to sleep as my sleep had become extremely disturbed and I felt edgy and nervous. There didn't seem to be enough time for things. I put everything down to being a teenager, stressful exams, my emotions, being naturally different - it felt like everything was going wrong for me and I was dealing with it alone. I was self-harming and suicidal, especially after the breakup. Since then I've been in and out of work, tried to study again but mostly learn things on my own, tried to find a new career but still no breaks. Tried to get over what happened, but every time I feel like I might be ready for another relationship I get used/lied to/cheated on/abused or some combination of these all over again. I gave up wanting to live in a world like this, where people are so unnecessarily destructive. I couldn't see a future anymore with all my hopes and dreams in ruins and some nights I just don't sleep at all. It's like I have nothing to dream of, to chase after or look forward to so I end up wishing I was dead.

Sorry that's so long, and there's so much more.

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Hi,

I had my first bout of depression and anxiety in 2007 when my thyroid went overactive ,this triggered a Lupus flare and I have slowly got worse and worse, I had no idea what depression was and how it affected people at this point. I am still fairly depressed/anxious and I have tried quite a few treatments including counselling.

The counselling has helped a lot and has made me realise I have been mildly depressed since the age of 12 due to the way my mother treated me.

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My whole life is what has counted. I had always been a very deep thinker. Or very otherwise very of another thing. But that's the base. I am a Scorpio. I see all the horror and negativity in this world. I am very good at cracking mysteries and lies. Had a narrow middle class upbringing. It all crashed (divorced) in my first year of high school. Bipolar mother wasted all the divorce money on bad investments. Dad has done dodgy stuff for payouts, has bisexual girlfriend no longer is the man I knew therefore no longer a father figure. Woke Mother up from a suicide attempt.

To be frank, since the treatment began for bipolar II for normal teenage misbehavior: it has only gotten worse. Sometimes I think psych is too much and too definitive.

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I think what started it was I was molested at the age of 5. I did not understand the seriousness of it as a child but as I got into my teen years I started remembering back to that day and the seriousness of what happened. When I was 16 I became pregnant and felt so alone and felt like I was being forced into everything so the depression became worse and the doctor tried to tell my mom I was suffering from PPD but she did not want to hear any of it. When I moved to Virginia in 2008 I think it was that is when the depression really hit hard and interfering with my life. I felt alone, I felt like all my parents did was use and abuse me. They have done everything they could to stop me from succeeding in life, at 23 I finally got my GED and now at 24 I am hoping to start college in the fall but it seems they are trying to stop that from happening too.

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I'v had my depression all my life in fact i didn't even know i had it untill my wife got me to a doctor who relized i was undiagnosed since then i have started meds and things are a lot better .When i was depressed i thought that was normal

Cheers Phil

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I blame most of it on social anxiety, because it always kept me from leading a happy life and made me feel like I didn't belong. However, I used to be an optimistic child and firmly believed that my problems would go away on their own someday. But as I grew older, I realized it was getting worse instead of improving, so it became harder to keep up the positive attitude. When I was about 13/14, the situations where I would feel cornered and helpless increased and insecurity and some bad luck caused me to make stupid mistakes. So I started hating myself, self-punishing and thinking I deserved to be mistreated.

I guess that was the point when my depression started. I felt like I didn't have the right to be depressed and was ashamed of my irrational fears and selfish suicidal thoughts, that increased the self-hatred. In between were episodes when I felt great without a reason, thought I could achieve anything and had pretty unrealistic beliefs. I thought I could change the world on my own.

But something would always cause me to fall down again, to see no sense in life and wish I could be erased from existence, so that nobody would miss me and I couldn't do any more damage. I hated people for destroying each other, the world and all life on it. And I hated myself for being a failure and of no use.

I ended up confused and empty. I was sick of living behind a mask, lying to everybody and not knowing why I wasn't able to change. That's where I am now. I can't trust anyone, am scared of people and afraid of being left alone. I worry about everything, all I do is bound to fail and I don't want to go on like this. So I finally decided to get help. Let's see if I can get stable again...

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Like many of you, I was also young (13 or 14) when my depression began. Its onset was accompanied by a generalized, intense anxiety. A few crises in my family around that same time led me to cope by restricting my diet and obsessing over my weight. I had always been thin, and had never had a bad body image, but the anxiety and depression fueled the disorder throughout my teens until I was about 23. I had found myself seeing changes in my family that made me very insecure and that things in my life were going haywire. It was the common ED logic that restricting equals having control in your life, which I am glad to say I learned is sooooo incorrect.

So, the depression came and went for various lengths of time, and the anxiety not only kept me in an ED but also gradually became primarily social anxiety. After graduating high school in 2001, though, my dieting gradually faded. In '03, as a sophomore in college, I pulled away from the obsessive thoughts of restricting my diet for good. But, in my junior year of college (in '04), I had become racked with intense social phobia and frequent drops in my mood, and just made up my mind one day to get help. I got counseling and started taking Effexor, through my college health center, and began a choppy recovery that has now been 7 years in the making. The counseling was hugely helpful, and included talking about the ED that I was working to leave behind me. I was able to exorcise so much pain from about 10 years of my life, and finally just let go of things that I didn't need to hang onto anymore. I say the recovery from depression and anxiety has been choppy, because of course I've had ups and downs, and the last year was very difficult (a 2-year relationship ended, and my Dad died).

I just transitioned from Effexor to Celexa yesterday, so I'm physically feeling a whole bunch of withdrawal/side effects and who knows what else. But, after being on Effexor for 6 of the last 7 years, I had gradually started feeling like I wasn't taking anything, even though I still was. So, as whacked out as I feel now, I'm still looking forward to possibly feeling much better once I acclimate to Celexa.

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mine traces back to when I started secondary school really, I didnt fit in at all and by the time I was 12 I was spending almost all my time outside of lessons by myself, I guess it dosent help that my two best friends werent around either, one moved away and I havent heard from him since, the other became a totally different person to who she used to be and we just drifted apart I guess, but at like 13 I was pretty much always alone, kids at school didnt like me becuase I was kinda weird and liked different things to them and once you have a label at school it sticks sadly, so being the weird loner was all I could ever be there. I got bullied alot at school as well, felt pretty crap and lonely all through it, then I went to college to do an IT course, that went okay, but I only really made one friend there even, then i went to Uni for the first time and whilst I did make friends I still felt really low all the time and then I feel behind on my course becuase I was ill so had to drop out of that, tbh I spent most of 2008 doing nothing and just in my room alone, after that I did voluntary work for a while, when I first started it was okay, but after a while I just lost all my motivation for it, luckily I managed to get into another college so didnt have to worry about that anymore, made friends on my course and did pretty well despite really struggling with how I felt still, so I guess that's good, just finished my first year of Uni even, which went well in terms of making friends, though none of them do I really feel able to talk to about this stuff :( idk, anyway I think I may have failed my first year becuase instead of working I spent alot of my time alone just feeling crap and wanting to do nothing, plus I had a really rough time toward the end of the year, what with exam stress on top of breaking up with my first ever girlfriend in what now seems like it wasnt even a proper relationship, I really couldnt cope and self harmed, now im home for the holidays, im alone, im tired all the time, I feel like crap about everything but I dont want to say anything cause my mum will just worry and I know she has her own things to deal with, my sister wouldnt understand and I have nobody I can talk to so I spend most of my time trying to distract myself with anything really, but none of it really lasts, frankly I dont know how much longer I can go on like this, feel like im wasting away :(`

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My whole life is what has counted. I had always been a very deep thinker. Or very otherwise very of another thing. But that's the base. I am a Scorpio. I see all the horror and negativity in this world. I am very good at cracking mysteries and lies. Had a narrow middle class upbringing. It all crashed (divorced) in my first year of high school. Bipolar mother wasted all the divorce money on bad investments. Dad has done dodgy stuff for payouts, has bisexual girlfriend no longer is the man I knew therefore no longer a father figure. Woke Mother up from a suicide attempt.

To be frank, since the treatment began for bipolar II for normal teenage misbehavior: it has only gotten worse. Sometimes I think psych is too much and too definitive.

No offense, but I high doubt a zoodiac sign determines personality of view of the world. I

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In my case, it started out as a child. I say 14 because it was the time it got unbearable, but at age 10 I wrote a very dramatic story in which the main character C.S. and my school performance was affected by my "mood". My teachers were aware that there was something wrong with me. I don't know if I did back then, but I'm currently living with it.

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Just like many other illnesses, I believe that depression has a lot to do with genetics. Nature and nurture both play huge roles, as some people who inherit depression will not present the illness. Experiences decide whether the illness will present itself, but genetics create this opportunity. There is a history of depression in my family, but there were precipitating events that caused it to surface. Had these events not occurred, there's no way to tell if my depression would have become an issue. Much like an addiction, it is impossible to determine whether a person would have became an addict had he or she never used drugs or alcohol to begin with.

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Current bout with depression? Peoples lies. Oh yeh we will hire you for sure when you finish your course. Course finished with honors. Oh well we are taking this kid instead of you.

Getting a job in the next town then getting hit by a car on the way home from work. No money no job, Finally getting a job in the field I wanted but for minimum wage. Why minimum wage? cause they know Im trapped. Bullying from ICBC, an employer, a wife,

what caused my depression?

BEING BORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Hi,

My depression really came out after I had my daughter.

I hoped it was only postpartum depression but it held

on so now I am on meds and have been for over 20 years.

I do, however, live a very happy and normal life with

the meds so I gladly take them.

best wishes,

starr

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:smilingteeth: Wow I was a vivacious, alive and full of life person. Curious about the world and everything it had to offer. I fell down the stairs four years ago and have been dealing with chronic pain every since. I am now not able to work, I am so grateful for family. When I came home I found that my mother is now depressed. So we both are now. We are just starting to seek counseling. I never knew what depression felt like until I could not walk, I could not talk and I could not focus and my spirit died. I want my life back. I want to be there for my mother. What a cosmic two by four over the head! Thats some of my story.

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For me, it's a mix of various factors - family history/background, genetics, childhood, situational, anxiety, etc. Sometimes my anxiety can trigger it, other times my family dysfunction, other times situational (work stress, etc), loneliness, painful memories, etc...I've done my best to deal with all of these feelings and triggers, and overall, I'm in a much better place than when my symptoms started (around the age of 20) :)

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I can pinpoint my depression to one event: the death of a friend when I was 12. That was when I started feeling... different. I was diagnosed with depression a year later. I had some anxiety issues prior to this though. Depression runs in both sides of my family, so I guess I was out of luck no matter.

That was the trigger for my first round of depression. It went into remission when I started high school, after treatment. I started relapsing a few years into college. I don't know what triggered the relapse, since I remained on a maintenance dose of Prozac.

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My whole life is what has counted. I had always been a very deep thinker. Or very otherwise very of another thing. But that's the base. I am a Scorpio. I see all the horror and negativity in this world. I am very good at cracking mysteries and lies. Had a narrow middle class upbringing. It all crashed (divorced) in my first year of high school. Bipolar mother wasted all the divorce money on bad investments. Dad has done dodgy stuff for payouts, has bisexual girlfriend no longer is the man I knew therefore no longer a father figure. Woke Mother up from a suicide attempt.

To be frank, since the treatment began for bipolar II for normal teenage misbehavior: it has only gotten worse. Sometimes I think psych is too much and too definitive.

No offense, but I high doubt a zoodiac sign determines personality of view of the world. I

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My spirit died 2 years ago when my wife left me. Rarely see my 2 kids anymore, hate for them to see me feeling this way. Signed my life away so ex could have her own business and she failed, no choice but to file for bankruptcy soon after separation. Tried meds, not for me, still seeing a therapist. Worst part of all this is losing the will to enjoy life. Always waiting for this mess to pass. I still have a supply of ADs on hand, maybe i will try again. Latest issue is Cymbalta, what to do ?????????????:verysad3:

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Like several others, I was first aware of the sadness and "feeling different" when I was 12 or 13. It was about then that I realized that my mother had been telling me I used to be "such a nice girl" since I was about 9. She was critical of everything I did and I began to bury myself in books, as a way of escaping. (I have since learned my mother was probably depressed herself; she committed suicide when I was 18....and her mother had been institutionalized for some unknown, or undiscussed mental illness as well - so I believe genes are a big predisposing factor for me, but we didn't know that back then in the 1970's).

I had 3 good friends in highschool, which made those years bearable. Then my father died when I was 17, my best friend and the two others moved away, and I stayed home to help my mother. Then I realized her craziness was driving me crazy too, so I went to college about an hour away. I was gone a month when she died. It was after that that I experienced what I realized later was my first major depression...only I didn't have a name for it.

I'd always had an intense fear of and a too-strong desire for a "romantic" relationship, and my inability to overcome the fear made me feel more and more different, more and more afraid of ever having what I considered a 'normal' life. I spent so many years believing that if I just worked on being a better person, I would feel better about life and happier being alive. I put a lot of energy into it....exercise, reading self help books, understanding psychology and philosophy, practicing my faith.

Eventually I did meet someone and got married....put the guy through professional school, had a baby....and the SOB took off with the receptionist a year after he graduated. My second experience with major depression.

I finally went for an evaluation, was told that all those years I'd probably been suffering from dysthymia, and 'double depression' when my parents died, and then my husband left.

So, what was the question? Oh yeah...what caused my depression. I think I was genetically predisposed to dysthymia...and major life events triggered major depressive episodes first. I've had several since....as we know now, one episode increases the likelihood of another, and on it goes.

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